Stone deaf ILs

[Anonymous]

"Stone deaf"

LOL!

[Anonymous]

"Stone deaf"

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

Have you considered moving to their state? The distance is obviously going to make dropping in for a quick weekend difficult.

You are kidding me, right? I have a job. I have a house. They are one hour flight away.

I’m not kidding. You have unrealistic expectations. Get your parents to come for months at a time.

My parents live in another country. On another continent. They work for a living. My ILs have been retired for the past 5 years. They are not old or unwell. They are 1 hour away by plane. I am a working mother with 2 small children. Sure, let me pack up our stuff for the weekend. Have you traveled with young children? Probably not.

NP. I'm sorry OP, this sucks. My ILs are similar- retired, plenty of money, super-involved with SIL (who was a SAHM) and her family. They would regularly watch the other grandkids for days at a time when SIL/BIL went on vacation but have a very distant relationship with ours. They are a couple hours drive from them vs. a short plane ride from us, so that is certainly a factor, but it's like pulling teeth to get them to visit, and then they're constantly checking the weather and debating whether to go home early. DH doesn't even ask them for help much, the last time he asked them to come for one of our kids birthday because DC was really wishing they would come. Nope.

I know DH is hurt by it. I don't think it's intentional, for them I think it's a cultural thing to be more involved with your daughter's family than son's, not sure if that's a factor with yours at all. At one point MIL tried to blame MY mom as the reason they don't come more, saying my mom is "controlling" holidays/birthdays, but its totally manufactured in her head. My parents don't live here and my dad still works so they can't come that often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

So what? You can fly from another country or another state. Why are letting your parents off the hook for not coming to help, and fumin at your ILs? If your parents wanted to come and help you, they could presumably come as well. I doubt they live in a remote tribe several days walk away from the nearest airport.

Agree. Why are your parents getting a pass? Because they work? Don't they have vacation time? They can't spare a week or two? This reminds me of people that dump their children on SAHPs because they are home anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

So what? You can fly from another country or another state. Why are letting your parents off the hook for not coming to help, and fumin at your ILs? If your parents wanted to come and help you, they could presumably come as well. I doubt they live in a remote tribe several days walk away from the nearest airport.

Agree. Why are your parents getting a pass? Because they work? Don't they have vacation time? They can't spare a week or two? This reminds me of people that dump their children on SAHPs because they are home anyway.

She mentioned her parents live in another continent and they visit her during the summer.

[Anonymous]

Oh my, I could've written this post myself. I too stopped speaking to ILs over the lack of any engagement with their young grandchildren. No interest, no visits, no gifts, no phone calls, nothing. They reached after nearly a year of us not talking to them to ask what we were getting to their eldest grandchild for his HS graduation. And then proceeded to send us his wishlist. We totally ignored that.

We vacation in their state, we never see, we never reach out, because we know they will not want to see us. OP, I know you are tired, spousal deployments do take a toll. You are better off without them and so are your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a toddler who my parents have never met. She lives a few hours away from them. They texted that they were in the area on the baby’s first birthday (probably by chance, we don’t think they actually kept up with the birthdate). My sister invited them over for cake and to meet their grandchild, and they said no thanks, they were on vacation and didn’t want to mess up their schedule for the day. Whenever she gets upset that her friends have helper parents and she doesn’t have a built in sitter for emergencies, I sometimes ask if she’d actually want to leave her child with them after that. There’s no way I could trust someone who refuses to be involved at that level.

It took me a while to understand that she’s more upset that she doesn’t have the parents she needed as opposed to being upset that our parents won’t come visit or help out. Our parents are not the type most people would want caring for small children. I’m sorry for her that she’s dealing with those emotions, and that she’s still holding onto that sliver of hope that they'll change and that she feels anger every time they don’t. I’m getting a lot of that vibe off of OP’s posts. I hope you’re able to find some peace and let go of the anger.

All that said, I lived hundreds to thousands of miles from extended family when my kids were small. Even when we had family who wanted to help, the distance and everyone’s schedule usually didn’t allow for it. We had to do it ourselves or hire the help, and while it was frustrating and expensive, we survived. I wished things could be different, but I guess I don’t see the point of spending that much mental energy on being angry at people who won’t change and aren’t obligated to help, especially when I don’t actually like them or want to be near them.

Wow to your parents. Being in town on grandchild who they never met's first birthday and declining invite is truly something.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it and I'm sorry. My parents were like this. I knew they were like this so I just met them where they were.The issue for me came when they had endless expectations of ME as they aged and my kids were/are still at home. I was fine with dad who was reasonable, but mom literally reinvented history. She compared me to all her friend's daughters who helped more. She left out the part about how her friends would nanny for weeks at a time and did endless things to help.

Don't expect them to help. Don't express anger. They are who they are. Keep expectations low. If you need more distance from them and their travel photos, take it. Take the high road. Accept that they are limited and build your village where you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a toddler who my parents have never met. She lives a few hours away from them. They texted that they were in the area on the baby’s first birthday (probably by chance, we don’t think they actually kept up with the birthdate). My sister invited them over for cake and to meet their grandchild, and they said no thanks, they were on vacation and didn’t want to mess up their schedule for the day. Whenever she gets upset that her friends have helper parents and she doesn’t have a built in sitter for emergencies, I sometimes ask if she’d actually want to leave her child with them after that. There’s no way I could trust someone who refuses to be involved at that level.

It took me a while to understand that she’s more upset that she doesn’t have the parents she needed as opposed to being upset that our parents won’t come visit or help out. Our parents are not the type most people would want caring for small children. I’m sorry for her that she’s dealing with those emotions, and that she’s still holding onto that sliver of hope that they'll change and that she feels anger every time they don’t. I’m getting a lot of that vibe off of OP’s posts. I hope you’re able to find some peace and let go of the anger.

All that said, I lived hundreds to thousands of miles from extended family when my kids were small. Even when we had family who wanted to help, the distance and everyone’s schedule usually didn’t allow for it. We had to do it ourselves or hire the help, and while it was frustrating and expensive, we survived. I wished things could be different, but I guess I don’t see the point of spending that much mental energy on being angry at people who won’t change and aren’t obligated to help, especially when I don’t actually like them or want to be near them.

Wow to your parents. Being in town on grandchild who they never met's first birthday and declining invite is truly something.

To be fair, like I said, I doubt they realized it was the child's birthday. That was just a bonus helping of salt in the wound. But yeah, that's why some of us are estranged from our parents. Not because we're drama queens, because we're tired of unhealthy dynamics and want to protect our kids from that dysfunction.

The bigger point is that some people just aren't good at helping, and if they did pitch in, it probably wouldn't be helpful. It's best to move on and figure out a path that works and not count on people who aren't reliable. If they change and become helpful, it's even better. I can't imagine being a grandparent and not wanting to be included, but they're not actually obligated to help, so stop stressing over that and find a way forward that works for everyone. Focusing on how they suck and aren't as good as other grandparents seems fruitless and like it would take focus away from more pleasant or productive things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would start treating their texts like FB posts. Something you might look at when you're not busy but, otherwise, ignore. They're showing you who you they are. Believe them. If they need/want something, let them go through your DH. I think once you can let go of your (justifiable) anger/frustration/hurt, you'll have more peace of mind. Don't let this take up any more of your precious energy.
Hugs.

Haven't thought of it this way but this is the way I handle texts like that from my ILs.
And to commiserate OP, I am very pregnant and a SAHM to a toddler. While my DH was on a work trip recently I seriously injured myself and all outgoing flights were canceled due to weather where my DH was. Despite living 5 minutes away my ILs were zero help- they were 'busy' the entire time but offered for us to come "visit" when my DH was back from his trip. Unbelievable.

You SAH at have one child. What do you need help with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

+1

After coming back and reading all of OP’s responses, I was going to post the same thing. She wasn’t willing to entertain any advice given, and had an excuse/clap back for every point made. I’m not sure I’d be jumping to go spend lengthy amount of time with her either.

The title of the post is gives it all away. I thought I was going to read about elderly parents who won't see an audiologist, and I was going to say that "stone deaf" is not an appropriate term, but it turns out her ILs don't come when called and she is outraged. Given that her parents are overseas, maybe she's from a culture in which ILs step in more, but that's not the card she drew, and I can't see how anything she's doing now is going to change that.

Yep this is America. We encourage independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them out. They are not family. Do not contact them and certainly do not maintain any grandchildren relationship. These are not good people.

To all PPs who talk about "well they are not your free babysitters", this has nothing to do with money. OP works, she wrote it herself. Emotional support is needed.

Also babysitting is needed. Why hasn't OP hired one? She has the money, she said it herself. She specifically wants these people to share her burden by dropping everything and jumping on a plane. That's not rational.

OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues. I can hire babysitters. That's not the point. The point is that people who are supposedly family do not show any interest at all. To me, that's incomprehensible. My family lives abroad, yes, and they check up on me. They don't make it about themselves when they call me. My parents have other grandchildren but they always ask about mine. When my youngest was sick with COVID, I got texts, calls all from my side of the family. DH side of the family? Radio silence. This is not how humans should behave. This is not normal.

So, to calm everyone the #&% down, I got a babysitter for this weekend. And blocked his side of the family everywhere. I don't need "surface relationships".

You have YOUR normal and they have their normal. Neither normal trumps the other. Also, they will not notice they are blocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you are clearly very angry and I hope you catch a break this weekend.
I don’t think your expectations of in-laws are what most of us experience. Your family calls and is comfortable checking on you because they’re your family. It’s never the same with in-laws. Their focus on themselves will get far worse as they age. It’s just part of life. Make your plans without factoring in any help from them. Your reactivity isn’t going to help any.

I just don't understand it. These are your son's children. Can't you feign some interest? I went through my head if we have done anything to offend them. Was our wedding too unconventional for them? Was DH decision to remain on active duty not to their liking? Is our house too inhospitable? Did we send wrong presents to them and SIL and her children? Are they upset that I work?

Like I said. I can hire a babysitter. But I won't be forced to acknowledge emotionally distant people anymore or show them any respect for I have none.

OP you are going to have accept that not everyone is the same. This doesn’t make them bad. My MIL is like them and I love it! She only calls when there is a purpose, no general check ins. When she visits it’s never very long and she has her own things to do. She does do things with us and vice versa. It’s fun and our kids have a great relationship with her. She didn’t see them often when they were little as we lived across the country but now that the kids are older, we all live closer, and it’s more logistical we see her more. It’s awesome for me because I really don’t like obligatory relationships.

My SIL on the other hand is always upset that she wasn’t a traditional granny pushing her way in all the time, weekly calls, providing childcare etc. She’s more like you in being offended when others don’t fit your fantasy of how things should be.

Your mil sounds awesome. That is normal adult behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

+1

After coming back and reading all of OP’s responses, I was going to post the same thing. She wasn’t willing to entertain any advice given, and had an excuse/clap back for every point made. I’m not sure I’d be jumping to go spend lengthy amount of time with her either.

The title of the post is gives it all away. I thought I was going to read about elderly parents who won't see an audiologist, and I was going to say that "stone deaf" is not an appropriate term, but it turns out her ILs don't come when called and she is outraged. Given that her parents are overseas, maybe she's from a culture in which ILs step in more, but that's not the card she drew, and I can't see how anything she's doing now is going to change that.

Maybe she should have married someone from her own culture and stayed near her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Stone deaf"

LOL

I have to admit I was a bit like WTF on the title in more ways than one.