Stone deaf ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Stone deaf"

LOL

I have to admit I was a bit like WTF on the title in more ways than one.

Yes I thought it was going to be about hearing impaired in-laws, not people who don't hop to it when called.

I do have practically stone deaf in laws and was just going to add that family gatherings can be overwhelming because everyone is shouting so that the elders can hear. I try to just take a deep breath and know that will be me someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're your kids not theirs. They are living their best retired lives. I see nothing wrong with not helping out.

New PP here. Sure, don't help out. And don't expect your grown kids to take care of your crap when you are no longer independent.

Why would anyone expect their kids to take care of them? Why would you want to be a burden to your kids? The white Americans I know plan to pay people to take care of them and most purchase LT care insurance (though they really don’t need the insurance as can self pay). You can hire a bank/financial trustee to oversee the implementation of the policy, bank accounts, etc..and can hire health care fiduciary to oversee care if needed or if become incapacitated. We already have all this setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me I am in the wrong here.

DH is deployed. I work full time, I have 2 DCs, 5 yo and 2 yo. I have no nannies, no regular babysitters, I am doing all the drop offs and pickups. I am doing all the activities. I am IT when kids are sick. ILs are retired and live close to SIL, a SAHM with HS-aged DCs, in another state. I have not received one phone call "hey, how are you doing?", "hey, he is gone for a while now, can you use some help?"

Right after Christmas my youngest had COVID. Not a single text or phone call about how he was doing. NOTHING. Instead, I am bombarded with pictures of them lounging by the pool or on the ocean. Obviously no invite "hey, kids have spring break? Come visit us". But hey, I should send them annual pictures they can frame.

Should I confront them? I am fuming inside. I don't want to rile up DH but I am so sick of that.

My ILs are like this. There is no point to confront because they don’t care. You can’t shame them into being better people.

Or shame them into doing what YOU want. Good for in-laws for having boundaries. Hope they enjoy their retirement. Who would want to be a child caretaker when retired? They have been there done that.

[Anonymous]

No OP has started a new thread about family overseas. OP I see why your knows don’t want to be bothered you seem mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP has started a new thread about family overseas. OP I see why your knows don’t want to be bothered you seem mentally ill.

OP really does seem to think she deserves some special consideration for being a working parent. She wants everyone to drop what they're doing and come tend to her every need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're your kids not theirs. They are living their best retired lives. I see nothing wrong with not helping out.

New PP here. Sure, don't help out. And don't expect your grown kids to take care of your crap when you are no longer independent.

Difference is the parents have already done raising and doing things for op. That is why you help out your parents because of the sacrifaces they made. ( assuming they were good enough parents)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP has started a new thread about family overseas. OP I see why your knows don’t want to be bothered you seem mentally ill.

Different OP in that thread, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

I could see how someone would be hurt by uninvolved grandparents vacationing so often, but not bothering to see their grandchildren. I get it, people are retired, some have earned it....but some are useless and only care about themselves. My sentiment is that if someone is an uninvolved, tone deaf grandparent who plays favorites (favoritism is sometimes part of the big picture, before someone jumps on me for mentioning it), they likely were not very good, but very tone deaf parents (who also played favorites). It can be frustrating, because it is natural to want a healthy, involved extended family - but some families simply can not offer that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're your kids not theirs. They are living their best retired lives. I see nothing wrong with not helping out.

New PP here. Sure, don't help out. And don't expect your grown kids to take care of your crap when you are no longer independent.

Difference is the parents have already done raising and doing things for op. That is why you help out your parents because of the sacrifaces they made. ( assuming they were good enough parents)

And some parents really didn't make that many sacrifices, if at all, it was all about (that tuned out parent).......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice and ask for help. Have you asked them? They’re not mind readers. Pick up the phone and ask them.

If they turn you down/ say no then they suck. But if you’re waiting for anyone to just magically sweep in to help you’ll end up disappointed, which you are now.

My husband has to travel for very long stretches of time overseas for work. My parents rarely helped, even if I asked/begged. So I started asking friends, and many of them said yes.

So ask. Just ask them.

We did. When DH just found out about his deployment being so long, he reached out to his parents. He asked for help. And they changed the subject and started talking to them about his sister. His sister who claims "oh I love my nephews", has not called them ONCE in their lifetime to wish them a Happy Birthday or a Merry Christma. Not ONCE. But hey, send me your postcards, make them cute and all.

What help specifically did you ask for?
If you are stressed and need help call your MIL and say omg I am stressed and need help. can you do xyz?
Maybe they will help maybe not

My friend was in a similar situation and when her MIL did call one day she just vented like crazy and her MIL started throwing out suggestions and my friend ended up in tears and was even more mad. But something got through bc her FIL facetimed her one day out of the blue and said let me talk to the kids and he entertained them for a good hour over face time and even ended up reading them a story. He started doing it every week on the same day and time. Yeah it was a tiny little thing but the kids loved it and it gave her an hour of peace from the craziness. It was the best they could offer long distance.