what to do if your significant other can't or won't do your love language?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read through all the comments, but the one about feeling like the relationship is superficial jumped out at me.

I don’t buy into the whole love languages thing, but I definitely believe in having needs identified, explored and discussed. Have you talked specifically about your feelings I’d superficiality? And how did that go?

It is possible that he isn’t able to offer anything deeper. Which, can be OK if you are able to adjust your expectations. The reality is most men don’t and so it’s better to know now ans accept it for what it is than to think otherwise only to realise it 15 years and kids later.

Start asking yourself some different questions. What other relationships do you have in your life? Can you be a fulfilled person without this from a partner? What does he provide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

One thing to keep in mind is that men who are good with words about feelings aren't good with them for your sake. They are just generally good with words, for EVERYONE. They've said these words of affirmation a thousand times to a thousand women. It's not special whatsoever. Certainly it is much better to have a man who behaves well rather than talks well.

This. It's fine if that's what you need to feel loved, I guess, but it's not a sign that the guy actually loves you more (or at all). It's usually a sign that he's comfortable saying these kinds of things, that his personality is effusive or that he's from a culture or family or personality that frequently expresses affection. It might mean that he's learned this is a good way to get chicks. Don't confuse the way that someone expresses love with the intensity or sincerity of their love.

What a ridiculous argument you make! It makes her feel good. That's what's important.

Imagine dcum saying to men: "your girlfriend having sex with you is not a sign that she actually loves you. It's usually a sign that she is comfortable having sex and that she has a high libido. It might mean that she has learned that frequent sex is a good way to get boyfriends. Don't confuse frequent sex with love."

Many men will say " sign me up!".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love language? Most men would find you exasperating. My husbands actions speak much louder than words and I’m not just talking about sex. (which is great by the way). He’s very sweet and affectionate, he respects me, he backs me up and he really enjoys spending time with me. He often says he loves me but he’s not Mr. Verbal. You need to accept that his love language isn’t yours and you need to get comfortable with it.

This is BS. Women deserve better than “just accept he won’t speak your language”. And men can do better.

The men who refuse to meet their wives’ love language eventually find themselves with a wife who refuses to meet their physical touch love language.

+1. What would it cost you to tell your wife she is sexy/ hot?

Yet women are supposed to have maintenance sex with their husbands even when they don't feel like it...

My DH would do it in a heartbeat if that was my love language.

OP is not asking for much.

This is NOT what the "words of affirmation" love language means. Any guy can tell his wife/ gf that she looks good; that's easy. True "words of affirmation" are when my DH tells me how proud he was of me when I finally finished a huge work project, and it went well. Or when I hear him telling other people what a good job I do with the kids.

True.

I mixed up OP's post with a PP's comments(something about wanting her DH to say things to her that he won't say to his mother).

But the principle still holds. It shouldn't be that hard or time consuming to say words that make your girlfriend feel good.

[Anonymous]

You have options other than “get over it” or “dump him”.

Men need explicit instructions and to be reminded….a lot. If I tell my H I’m feeling down, or feeling bad about myself, or feeling insecure in our relationship, he’ll just say “sorry, that sucks”. I have to tell him exactly what to do, like sit down on the couch with me and hold me and give me reassurance.

Have a talk with him and explain exactly what you need - what you need him to say and how often. Repeat as necessary.

Now, if he gives you pushback, or if you keep gently reminding him for months and he still doesn’t do it, then bail.

[Anonymous]

Your love language might not be words of affirmation. When you want to know your true love language, look at how your best friend or sister treats you. What makes you feel loved? It think so many people only see what’s lacking in their love life and then think it’s their love language.

Mine is acts of service. Nothing is missing from my marriage, it’s just how I feel most loved. On my birthday I don’t want presents, I want a new light fixture hung or my porch power washed. Dh totally gets it and always asks what I want done for my birthday (versus asking what gift I want for him to buy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

I am a straight woman, and I would scream and run if someone demanded this of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have options other than “get over it” or “dump him”.

Men need explicit instructions and to be reminded….a lot. If I tell my H I’m feeling down, or feeling bad about myself, or feeling insecure in our relationship, he’ll just say “sorry, that sucks”. I have to tell him exactly what to do, like sit down on the couch with me and hold me and give me reassurance.

Have a talk with him and explain exactly what you need - what you need him to say and how often. Repeat as necessary.

Now, if he gives you pushback, or if you keep gently reminding him for months and he still doesn’t do it, then bail.

What the what?? Married and grown women need to be held and given reassurance about themselves? I’m sorry but that’s a lot for a husband to need to do. Love yourself, know yourself and make yourself who you want to be. Men can’t give that to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausting.

Agree 100%.

I find OP hard to take. (Female, here.) Needing regular, non-prompted affirmation that another is loved, rocks, is amazing, is the most important to me, would be a non-starter for me. It screams lack of self-esteem, regardless of what another PP has said. Once a week! Keeping track? That is exhausting.

NP also agree. OP sounds low self esteem & needy with the mentality of a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Words of affirmation are "You're really smart" "You're a great mom" "You're so beautiful" "You're an amazing girlfriend, I'm a lucky guy!" - not constantly wanting to talking about the status of the relationship and asking him to tell you how he feels about you every other day. You sound exhausting and insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have options other than “get over it” or “dump him”.

Men need explicit instructions and to be reminded….a lot. If I tell my H I’m feeling down, or feeling bad about myself, or feeling insecure in our relationship, he’ll just say “sorry, that sucks”. I have to tell him exactly what to do, like sit down on the couch with me and hold me and give me reassurance.

Have a talk with him and explain exactly what you need - what you need him to say and how often. Repeat as necessary.

Now, if he gives you pushback, or if you keep gently reminding him for months and he still doesn’t do it, then bail.

What the what?? Married and grown women need to be held and given reassurance about themselves? I’m sorry but that’s a lot for a husband to need to do. Love yourself, know yourself and make yourself who you want to be. Men can’t give that to you.

Yep! That’s what I’m need, and I’m over being shamed by men and women alike over it. I was very clear when dating, if it’s too much for a man to do, he can go elsewhere. If they can’t spare a few minutes for me, why should I do anything for them, like sex?

I am very happy with myself and my life, but that doesn’t mean I stop being human.

We really need to stop telling women they don’t deserve to have their needs met because it’s too much for men. It’s not, they are very capable, we just keep the bar so low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

I'm pretty sure every man's "love language" is physical touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

That pp also sounds high maintenance and needy. Some stuff you need to work out in therapy instead of making your spouse do things.

Well my ex ended up being gay, so maybe now you can imagine how little desire he showed verbally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love language? Most men would find you exasperating. My husbands actions speak much louder than words and I’m not just talking about sex. (which is great by the way). He’s very sweet and affectionate, he respects me, he backs me up and he really enjoys spending time with me. He often says he loves me but he’s not Mr. Verbal. You need to accept that his love language isn’t yours and you need to get comfortable with it.

This is BS. Women deserve better than “just accept he won’t speak your language”. And men can do better.

The men who refuse to meet their wives’ love language eventually find themselves with a wife who refuses to meet their physical touch love language.

+1. What would it cost you to tell your wife she is sexy/ hot?

Yet women are supposed to have maintenance sex with their husbands even when they don't feel like it...

My DH would do it in a heartbeat if that was my love language.

OP is not asking for much.

This is NOT what the "words of affirmation" love language means. Any guy can tell his wife/ gf that she looks good; that's easy. True "words of affirmation" are when my DH tells me how proud he was of me when I finally finished a huge work project, and it went well. Or when I hear him telling other people what a good job I do with the kids.

Eh, that's your definition. For me, I just wanted to be told I looked hot or my tits looked great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your love language might not be words of affirmation. When you want to know your true love language, look at how your best friend or sister treats you. What makes you feel loved? It think so many people only see what’s lacking in their love life and then think it’s their love language.

Mine is acts of service. Nothing is missing from my marriage, it’s just how I feel most loved. On my birthday I don’t want presents, I want a new light fixture hung or my porch power washed. Dh totally gets it and always asks what I want done for my birthday (versus asking what gift I want for him to buy).

What I don't understand about this is, why aren't those services just being done because they have to be because that's life and basic home maintenance? How is it a gift to you, when it just means he's lazy the other 364 days of the year? Raise your standards.

[Anonymous]

You say you want him to tell you how he feels about you but what if he's not sure how he feels about you. What if he has doubts sometimes, like for instance when you bring up this love language thing, lots of guys might start having doubts about a woman who does that.

If he is unsure how he feels or sometimes has negative feelings toward you I think he shows good judgment in not expressing those feelings. After all, he may feel more secure about the relationship later, I mean it's only been 8 months.