what to do if your significant other can't or won't do your love language?

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't get better and yes it's worth breaking up over.

[Anonymous]

Worth breaking up over, IMO, since you have already told him it's important to do it and he, apparently, hasn't done it.

Unless, of course, you are okay with a relationship in which you make an effort to express love in your partner's language but he doesn't do the same for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't get better and yes it's worth breaking up over.

+1 There's nothing wrong with either of you, you're just not a good fit. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worth breaking up over, IMO, since you have already told him it's important to do it and he, apparently, hasn't done it.

Unless, of course, you are okay with a relationship in which you make an effort to express love in your partner's language but he doesn't do the same for you.

OP: I get what you're saying. For me, it's doesn't require effort to express love in his language because I love sex and being physically affectionate with him. I can tell he is uncomfortable with expressing emotions in words, though, which I know many guys are. Wondering if I should be making an exception for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worth breaking up over, IMO, since you have already told him it's important to do it and he, apparently, hasn't done it.

Unless, of course, you are okay with a relationship in which you make an effort to express love in your partner's language but he doesn't do the same for you.

OP: I get what you're saying. For me, it's doesn't require effort to express love in his language because I love sex and being physically affectionate with him. I can tell he is uncomfortable with expressing emotions in words, though, which I know many guys are. Wondering if I should be making an exception for this.

Okay, in that case, it's worth breaking up over unless you are okay being in a relationship where your partner gets to feel loved but you don't.

[Anonymous]

You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausting.

Then don't date her.

[Anonymous]

I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

[Anonymous]

Expectation too high? Who knows, only you can say.
However, I do think that if he's actually uncomfortable doing what you want him to do (as opposed to fine with the concept, but needs to learn to remember to do it), then it's probably not fair to expect him to often be uncomfortable for the purpose of making you feel better. So you'd have to either drastically cut down on your expectations or move on to someone with whom you are more compatible.

And the other thing is to remember that this, right now, is the best you can expect. It is usually the case (I know, not always, but usually), that things like physical and verbal expressions of love go down (or become more rote) over the course of a long relationship, maybe you can expect that it might stay the same. But increasing? Hardly ever. All to say, if you aren't satisfied now, its hard to envision the world where you are content.

And last, why does saying words of affirmation make him uncomfortable? If he's interested, maybe he can do some emotional reflection around that and try to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

OP: yes, good points and that's why I'm wondering if the problem is with me. I do want him to share his feelings about me, otherwise I feel kind of empty and like our relationship is superficial. I want there to be emotional intimacy, and I'm not sure if the depth of feelings is there. I realize it's been 8 months, but I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. I would like to hear that he cares about me and I mean something to him once a week- is that realistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worth breaking up over, IMO, since you have already told him it's important to do it and he, apparently, hasn't done it.

Unless, of course, you are okay with a relationship in which you make an effort to express love in your partner's language but he doesn't do the same for you.

OP: I get what you're saying. For me, it's doesn't require effort to express love in his language because I love sex and being physically affectionate with him. I can tell he is uncomfortable with expressing emotions in words, though, which I know many guys are. Wondering if I should be making an exception for this.

This is what I hate about the love languages, people don't really explore what theirs truly are. Men just automatically say it's touch and women will say that men are uncomfortable with expressing emotions. Sometimes your love language is hiding behind something that you never receive or something you want. If you never get appreciated, you are going to say that your love language is words of affirmation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

Blech, can we please get rid of the myth that wanting somebody to spontaneously express love with their words means you are needy or have low self-esteem? I could just as easily say OP's bf is emotionally stunted because he won't share how he is feeling about something unless specifically asked and doesn't seem to put himself in a position to be emotionally vulnerable. But I won't, because being like that is okay as long as it doesn't hamper your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausting.

Agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

It doesn't really matter whether your expectations are realistic. You're not happy with a guy who is kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine, who gives you compliments, and who says that he adores you and cares about you but only when you bring it up. Unless you've seen him freely share his feelings towards other people, my guess is that he's just not an expressive guy and this doesn't come naturally to him, so it's unlikely to change. You apparently need these specific words said to you without prompting. He's not the guy to do that. Let him go find someone who doesn't really care about that but who values the ways that he does express his love. You go find someone who says the things you want a romantic partner to say.