what to do if your significant other can't or won't do your love language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

Meh. My H is amazing with words and sometimes leaves me beautiful notes. I always pull out the special occasion lingerie on those days 😈

Hope that appearing straight is worth the sexless life!

[Anonymous]

Love language? Most men would find you exasperating. My husbands actions speak much louder than words and I’m not just talking about sex. (which is great by the way). He’s very sweet and affectionate, he respects me, he backs me up and he really enjoys spending time with me. He often says he loves me but he’s not Mr. Verbal. You need to accept that his love language isn’t yours and you need to get comfortable with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love language? Most men would find you exasperating. My husbands actions speak much louder than words and I’m not just talking about sex. (which is great by the way). He’s very sweet and affectionate, he respects me, he backs me up and he really enjoys spending time with me. He often says he loves me but he’s not Mr. Verbal. You need to accept that his love language isn’t yours and you need to get comfortable with it.

This is BS. Women deserve better than “just accept he won’t speak your language”. And men can do better.

The men who refuse to meet their wives’ love language eventually find themselves with a wife who refuses to meet their physical touch love language.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little confused about what you are looking for and maybe he is too. He compliments you. He tells you how he feels about you.

It seems he's a straight forward type of guy where you like to overanalyze and dramatize everything.

There may be room for compromise still like you tell him you'd like a card or note from time to time and he does that and you accept that he's not Shakespeare and he won't be writing you sonnets.

And generally speaking nobody owes you there every thought about you or other things.
If you're looking for a clone of yourself in a relationship you're bound to be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

He sounds great but most men are not very verbal. I think you should break up with him and send me his number.

[Anonymous]

OP: how old are you and your boyfriend? I am an older guy and have a hard time communicating that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

OP, what exactly are you looking for that he is not doing? Agree with others that you sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Gary Chatman’s book on the 5 love languages can create train wrecks like OP is facing. She’s one thing and her BF is another so she’s considering breaking up with him. The key to the languages is to recognize that they are different but different doesn’t mean one is bad. When you know what their language is that’s helpful in understanding how someone communicates. It’s different but it’s not bad or wrong it’s just different. People have different management styles and they can be equally effective but different so learning how to work with someone with a different management style is critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausting.

Agree 100%.

+1. "We've shared about our love languages" would have sent many decent guys running. Did he know WTH you were talking about OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

That pp also sounds high maintenance and needy. Some stuff you need to work out in therapy instead of making your spouse do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love language? Most men would find you exasperating. My husbands actions speak much louder than words and I’m not just talking about sex. (which is great by the way). He’s very sweet and affectionate, he respects me, he backs me up and he really enjoys spending time with me. He often says he loves me but he’s not Mr. Verbal. You need to accept that his love language isn’t yours and you need to get comfortable with it.

This is BS. Women deserve better than “just accept he won’t speak your language”. And men can do better.

The men who refuse to meet their wives’ love language eventually find themselves with a wife who refuses to meet their physical touch love language.

+1. What would it cost you to tell your wife she is sexy/ hot?

Yet women are supposed to have maintenance sex with their husbands even when they don't feel like it...

My DH would do it in a heartbeat if that was my love language.

OP is not asking for much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

Meh. My H is amazing with words and sometimes leaves me beautiful notes. I always pull out the special occasion lingerie on those days 😈

Hope that appearing straight is worth the sexless life!

You don't even have to be good with words to do this. Google is there to help.

OP, there are men out there who will not mind. Find them: this is not the guy for you. He will be here complaining about his sextile life when you marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love language? Most men would find you exasperating. My husbands actions speak much louder than words and I’m not just talking about sex. (which is great by the way). He’s very sweet and affectionate, he respects me, he backs me up and he really enjoys spending time with me. He often says he loves me but he’s not Mr. Verbal. You need to accept that his love language isn’t yours and you need to get comfortable with it.

This is BS. Women deserve better than “just accept he won’t speak your language”. And men can do better.

The men who refuse to meet their wives’ love language eventually find themselves with a wife who refuses to meet their physical touch love language.

+1. What would it cost you to tell your wife she is sexy/ hot?

Yet women are supposed to have maintenance sex with their husbands even when they don't feel like it...

My DH would do it in a heartbeat if that was my love language.

OP is not asking for much.

This is NOT what the "words of affirmation" love language means. Any guy can tell his wife/ gf that she looks good; that's easy. True "words of affirmation" are when my DH tells me how proud he was of me when I finally finished a huge work project, and it went well. Or when I hear him telling other people what a good job I do with the kids.