what to do if your significant other can't or won't do your love language?

[Anonymous]

This “love languages” nonsense is just trendy pop-psych drivel. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

One thing to keep in mind is that men who are good with words about feelings aren't good with them for your sake. They are just generally good with words, for EVERYONE. They've said these words of affirmation a thousand times to a thousand women. It's not special whatsoever. Certainly it is much better to have a man who behaves well rather than talks well.

Wrong. My husband is good with words about feelings for everybody, but he’s not going around telling everybody “you are such an incredible person,” “I’m so happy i have you in my life,” “I love you so dang much,” “I just love to snuggle you,” etc. He wants a certain level of emotional intimacy with lots of people but he doesn’t develop that emotional intimacy nearly as much as he does with me. I mean maybe he did with women in the past but that’s not relevant at all to our relationship .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This “love languages” nonsense is just trendy pop-psych drivel. Yuck.

You would think so, especially because the author is a complete hack, but because it got so popular a lot of legitimate research has been done on it and it is actually a pretty solid framework. One big problem with it is that it has only five love languages, when somebody might feel the most loved when maybe their spouse shows interest in what they are interested in. It also suggests that somebody has only one, when that’s probably not the case for most people. But yeah as much as it pains me to to say there is something to what Chapman claims, it’s true, there is.

[Anonymous]

Op, coming on here, you are going to have an audience of a lot of tired parents who are exhausted from tending to the needs of their children, running a household, taking care of a home, taking care of their aging parents, taking care of their community, while living up to society’s expectations that not only are you supposed to have a thriving career, but you are somehow also supposed to be a great parent who is present and available and supportive and encouraging in all the ways that their parents were not.

And the last thing we need as that parent is another person in our life who is supposed to be our partner in all things, to expect something else from us. I think you are fine- I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting/needing to have love expressed to you verbally. But for many people’s lived experience, I think that ends up mattering less than showing up every day, for your family, in all of the different ways.

If you recognize that as a dealbreaker for you, you should seek out someone who is very expressive to those they love. It is rare but they are definitely out there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, coming on here, you are going to have an audience of a lot of tired parents who are exhausted from tending to the needs of their children, running a household, taking care of a home, taking care of their aging parents, taking care of their community, while living up to society’s expectations that not only are you supposed to have a thriving career, but you are somehow also supposed to be a great parent who is present and available and supportive and encouraging in all the ways that their parents were not.

And the last thing we need as that parent is another person in our life who is supposed to be our partner in all things, to expect something else from us. I think you are fine- I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting/needing to have love expressed to you verbally. But for many people’s lived experience, I think that ends up mattering less than showing up every day, for your family, in all of the different ways.

If you recognize that as a dealbreaker for you, you should seek out someone who is very expressive to those they love. It is rare but they are definitely out there!

And to add… I don’t think you can necessarily conclude your love language is verbal expression of love. It may be that you are just feeling uncertain and insecure in your relationship- which is natural in the beginning of a relationship but there could me many other factors causing that uncertainty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

Meh. My H is amazing with words and sometimes leaves me beautiful notes. I always pull out the special occasion lingerie on those days 😈

Hope that appearing straight is worth the sexless life!

You both sound amazing. I would write beautiful heart felt love notes to my wife if she made the effort you do.

[Anonymous]

Man here, of course mine is physical touch (agree that's probably true for 90% of men) and having made the mistake if marrying a woman who gets touched out easily and doesn't love cuddling let alone sex that often, I will encourage you to break up and move on. Regardless of whether your needs sound needy to others, they are what you need and if you ignore them, you will either be miserable or find yourself cheating to get them from someone else.

[Anonymous]

You can’t change your bF- there’s nothing wrong with him and in fact he sounds like a great catch. I also think he sounds great and is already saying lots and lots of affirmations and compliments, so I also question what else it is you are looking for.

So you have to decide (I) if you break up over this, (ii) if you stay together and live with it, or (iii) go to therapy to see why you need more than what your bf can give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This “love languages” nonsense is just trendy pop-psych drivel. Yuck.

+1 I agree. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing but the nonsense can be damaging. OP’s BF sounds like a very nice guy who she can easily lose if it’s her way or the highway. My husband is not a wordy affirmation type but I know he loves me as he shows it in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

Meh. My H is amazing with words and sometimes leaves me beautiful notes. I always pull out the special occasion lingerie on those days 😈

Hope that appearing straight is worth the sexless life!

Yes but is he doing it spontaneously or did you have to hand him a weekly schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, coming on here, you are going to have an audience of a lot of tired parents who are exhausted from tending to the needs of their children, running a household, taking care of a home, taking care of their aging parents, taking care of their community, while living up to society’s expectations that not only are you supposed to have a thriving career, but you are somehow also supposed to be a great parent who is present and available and supportive and encouraging in all the ways that their parents were not.

And the last thing we need as that parent is another person in our life who is supposed to be our partner in all things, to expect something else from us. I think you are fine- I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting/needing to have love expressed to you verbally. But for many people’s lived experience, I think that ends up mattering less than showing up every day, for your family, in all of the different ways.

If you recognize that as a dealbreaker for you, you should seek out someone who is very expressive to those they love. It is rare but they are definitely out there!

I don't think that is always true, or at least people don't really have tolerance for the idea. Look at how common it is to think that wives should have sex with their husbands on a regular basis, even when its a big effort for them or even when they don't want to, because that's how men feel loved.

And I would be nowhere near as satisfied in my relationship if my husband didn't tell me on a regular basis how he felt about me. Wanting to hear a spontaneous "I love you" or "I think you're amazing" once a week is a reasonable expectation no matter how long you have been married.

It sounds like you're saying that a lot of people on this board are just doing too much so they don't want to be expected to do something on top of that for their spouses. That's reasonable, but I don't think the spouse dumping normal expectations of their spouse is the answer. The answer is doing less. If you think about it, it doesn't make sense to run around fulfilling society's expectations for us to the point where we cannot really be there for our partners emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

The love language thing is way overblown.

Seems there is something you want to hear and he is not saying...such as I am in love with you...please marry me...?

But, if that isn't the case and it is words of affirmation and he has given you those...then...consider this question OP, why is it so important for you to hear these 'things' repeated many times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This “love languages” nonsense is just trendy pop-psych drivel. Yuck.

+1 I agree. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing but the nonsense can be damaging. OP’s BF sounds like a very nice guy who she can easily lose if it’s her way or the highway. My husband is not a wordy affirmation type but I know he loves me as he shows it in so many ways.

+1

“love languages” pure nonsense. This would not make up the top 1000 reasons to break up.

[Anonymous]

Everyone should be adept enough at all the love languages to where they are doing them to some extent. Giving a pass to one of them or some of them is what brews contempt.

[Anonymous]

Guys, the love languages thing is not bunk. Just because it's pop psychology written by a sexist hack doesn't mean it's wrong. A broken clock is right twice a day.

You can find plenty about it on google scholar:

https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=chapman%27s+love+languages+validity&hl=en&as_sdt=0,47&as_vis=1