what to do if your significant other can't or won't do your love language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

OP: yes, good points and that's why I'm wondering if the problem is with me. I do want him to share his feelings about me, otherwise I feel kind of empty and like our relationship is superficial. I want there to be emotional intimacy, and I'm not sure if the depth of feelings is there. I realize it's been 8 months, but I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. I would like to hear that he cares about me and I mean something to him once a week- is that realistic?

Can't you tell how he feels about you otherwise, or is this the only way he's showing that he cares about you ever? Something is missing either in this relationship or in you. Do you have close bonds with your parents and were they verbally affirming when you were growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

Blech, can we please get rid of the myth that wanting somebody to spontaneously express love with their words means you are needy or have low self-esteem? I could just as easily say OP's bf is emotionally stunted because he won't share how he is feeling about something unless specifically asked and doesn't seem to put himself in a position to be emotionally vulnerable. But I won't, because being like that is okay as long as it doesn't hamper your relationships.

Yes I think you could say that her bf is emotionally stunted too. But it's OP who is asking the questions. Someone who doesn't want to be emotionally vulnerable with someone who is emotionally needy will make for a bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

OP: yes, good points and that's why I'm wondering if the problem is with me. I do want him to share his feelings about me, otherwise I feel kind of empty and like our relationship is superficial. I want there to be emotional intimacy, and I'm not sure if the depth of feelings is there. I realize it's been 8 months, but I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. I would like to hear that he cares about me and I mean something to him once a week- is that realistic?

Once a week? Yeah, that's not going to last in most relationships.

I also think you're equating "saying he loves me" with "emotional intimacy," when intimacy means a lot more than that. Intimacy is about sharing your hopes and fears, your worries, your joy. Do you really not think he cares about you? Does he really not demonstrate that you matter to him in any way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worth breaking up over, IMO, since you have already told him it's important to do it and he, apparently, hasn't done it.

Unless, of course, you are okay with a relationship in which you make an effort to express love in your partner's language but he doesn't do the same for you.

OP: I get what you're saying. For me, it's doesn't require effort to express love in his language because I love sex and being physically affectionate with him. I can tell he is uncomfortable with expressing emotions in words, though, which I know many guys are. Wondering if I should be making an exception for this.

This is what I hate about the love languages, people don't really explore what theirs truly are. Men just automatically say it's touch and women will say that men are uncomfortable with expressing emotions. Sometimes your love language is hiding behind something that you never receive or something you want. If you never get appreciated, you are going to say that your love language is words of affirmation.

Oh my goodness this is so true. When we got married husband said his was physical touch. About eight years later, he got really stressed out at work and I got depressed because of two challenging kids and a chronic illness. When I couldn't do as much as he wanted me to around the house but we were still having sex, his love language became acts of service.

Regardless, what matters most is deciding what you absolutely need in a relationship and assessing how likely it is that your partner is going to take care of those needs. People change, sure, but you don't want to start a marriage hoping for a change. If you want a guy who shares his feelings, date until you find a guy who shares his feelings (and PS my husband definitely shares his feelings, as do many others I know. Men don't tend to be that way, but you don't need to worry about the men who aren't. You only need one who is [and who is otherwise compatible]).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

Blech, can we please get rid of the myth that wanting somebody to spontaneously express love with their words means you are needy or have low self-esteem? I could just as easily say OP's bf is emotionally stunted because he won't share how he is feeling about something unless specifically asked and doesn't seem to put himself in a position to be emotionally vulnerable. But I won't, because being like that is okay as long as it doesn't hamper your relationships.

Yes I think you could say that her bf is emotionally stunted too. But it's OP who is asking the questions. Someone who doesn't want to be emotionally vulnerable with someone who is emotionally needy will make for a bad relationship.

Well then you're wrong on both counts.

She wants somebody who shares his feelings. That is not needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

OP: yes, good points and that's why I'm wondering if the problem is with me. I do want him to share his feelings about me, otherwise I feel kind of empty and like our relationship is superficial. I want there to be emotional intimacy, and I'm not sure if the depth of feelings is there. I realize it's been 8 months, but I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. I would like to hear that he cares about me and I mean something to him once a week- is that realistic?

Once a week? Yeah, that's not going to last in most relationships.

I also think you're equating "saying he loves me" with "emotional intimacy," when intimacy means a lot more than that. Intimacy is about sharing your hopes and fears, your worries, your joy. Do you really not think he cares about you? Does he really not demonstrate that you matter to him in any way?

+1 Do you really not feel that he cares for you in the absence of those specific words? It sounds like he’s verbally demonstrative in other ways and a pretty great guy. But I’m not the one in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

OP: yes, good points and that's why I'm wondering if the problem is with me. I do want him to share his feelings about me, otherwise I feel kind of empty and like our relationship is superficial. I want there to be emotional intimacy, and I'm not sure if the depth of feelings is there. I realize it's been 8 months, but I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. I would like to hear that he cares about me and I mean something to him once a week- is that realistic?

Once a week? Yeah, that's not going to last in most relationships.

I also think you're equating "saying he loves me" with "emotional intimacy," when intimacy means a lot more than that. Intimacy is about sharing your hopes and fears, your worries, your joy. Do you really not think he cares about you? Does he really not demonstrate that you matter to him in any way?

That is part of it, yes, and it sounds like OP's bf isn't doing much of that either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

OP: yes, good points and that's why I'm wondering if the problem is with me. I do want him to share his feelings about me, otherwise I feel kind of empty and like our relationship is superficial. I want there to be emotional intimacy, and I'm not sure if the depth of feelings is there. I realize it's been 8 months, but I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. I would like to hear that he cares about me and I mean something to him once a week- is that realistic?

Wow, this is my exact experience too. I just broke up with someone for the same reasons you are saying. I'm reading the book Attached. It might help you too - to understand him a little better. I realized that I have an anxious attachment style and he is avoidant. The worst combination to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

One thing to keep in mind is that men who are good with words about feelings aren't good with them for your sake. They are just generally good with words, for EVERYONE. They've said these words of affirmation a thousand times to a thousand women. It's not special whatsoever. Certainly it is much better to have a man who behaves well rather than talks well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

One thing to keep in mind is that men who are good with words about feelings aren't good with them for your sake. They are just generally good with words, for EVERYONE. They've said these words of affirmation a thousand times to a thousand women. It's not special whatsoever. Certainly it is much better to have a man who behaves well rather than talks well.

I followed this advice and found that my ex couldn't communicate and got lost in himself and became a fake person. I think being a good communicator with everyone is a plus. Sure words are not actions, but if you can't articulate you are going to act out in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausting.

Agree 100%.

I find OP hard to take. (Female, here.) Needing regular, non-prompted affirmation that another is loved, rocks, is amazing, is the most important to me, would be a non-starter for me. It screams lack of self-esteem, regardless of what another PP has said. Once a week! Keeping track? That is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound exhausting.

Agree 100%.

I find OP hard to take. (Female, here.) Needing regular, non-prompted affirmation that another is loved, rocks, is amazing, is the most important to me, would be a non-starter for me. It screams lack of self-esteem, regardless of what another PP has said. Once a week! Keeping track? That is exhausting.

I think her boyfriend is just parroting back whatever he hears from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't think you're a good fit.

I think you should look into your feelings about how you need words of affirmation. What you're saying is a bit different than what I've read words of affirmation to be. I too am words of affirmation (plus acts of service), but to me that is someone recognizing and thanking me for things that I've done. I mean this kindly, but yours sounds like low self esteem or a coping mechanism. Have you explored that? Adults don't need other people to nonstop verbalize how someone feels about them- and it's only been 8 months.

Things you said:
-share his feelings about me
-He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up
-who can't or won't say how they feel about me

OP: yes, good points and that's why I'm wondering if the problem is with me. I do want him to share his feelings about me, otherwise I feel kind of empty and like our relationship is superficial. I want there to be emotional intimacy, and I'm not sure if the depth of feelings is there. I realize it's been 8 months, but I feel like we've spent a lot of time together. I would like to hear that he cares about me and I mean something to him once a week- is that realistic?

To me, OP, you’ve answered your own question. Personally, I’d cut loose before you invest any more, in hopes of changing him. Life gets harder later, and if compatibility isn’t there when things are going to really go off the rails when real life kicks in.

[Anonymous]

Poll 1000 men about love languages and 999 would immediately go into defense mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

One thing to keep in mind is that men who are good with words about feelings aren't good with them for your sake. They are just generally good with words, for EVERYONE. They've said these words of affirmation a thousand times to a thousand women. It's not special whatsoever. Certainly it is much better to have a man who behaves well rather than talks well.

This. It's fine if that's what you need to feel loved, I guess, but it's not a sign that the guy actually loves you more (or at all). It's usually a sign that he's comfortable saying these kinds of things, that his personality is effusive or that he's from a culture or family or personality that frequently expresses affection. It might mean that he's learned this is a good way to get chicks. Don't confuse the way that someone expresses love with the intensity or sincerity of their love.