what to do if your significant other can't or won't do your love language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gary Chatman’s book on the 5 love languages can create train wrecks like OP is facing. She’s one thing and her BF is another so she’s considering breaking up with him. The key to the languages is to recognize that they are different but different doesn’t mean one is bad. When you know what their language is that’s helpful in understanding how someone communicates. It’s different but it’s not bad or wrong it’s just different. People have different management styles and they can be equally effective but different so learning how to work with someone with a different management style is critical.

That book was meant to help people understand their partners, not to engage in endless navel gazing followed by emotional extortion.

[Anonymous]

I broke up with a guy around 7 months of last year because he was not emotionally available and not very affectionate. He had kids who were on the autism spectrum and I wonder if he did too.

He was also very kind and treated me well but in the end it did leave me feeling a bit lonely.

I'm not going to settle because as someone said this is the best it will ever be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gary Chatman’s book on the 5 love languages can create train wrecks like OP is facing. She’s one thing and her BF is another so she’s considering breaking up with him. The key to the languages is to recognize that they are different but different doesn’t mean one is bad. When you know what their language is that’s helpful in understanding how someone communicates. It’s different but it’s not bad or wrong it’s just different. People have different management styles and they can be equally effective but different so learning how to work with someone with a different management style is critical.

That book was meant to help people understand their partners, not to engage in endless navel gazing followed by emotional extortion.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I broke up with a guy around 7 months of last year because he was not emotionally available and not very affectionate. He had kids who were on the autism spectrum and I wonder if he did too.

He was also very kind and treated me well but in the end it did leave me feeling a bit lonely.

I'm not going to settle because as someone said this is the best it will ever be.

This is all fine, but stop with the "love languages" point. You did not "like" this guy enough to want to be with him. In the same way you might not be into a guy who doesn't share your interest in fitness, or travel or being close with each other's families. Agree with the post above that love languages is about trying to understand the partner you're with; not about creating a list of needs in a potential partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I broke up with a guy around 7 months of last year because he was not emotionally available and not very affectionate. He had kids who were on the autism spectrum and I wonder if he did too.

He was also very kind and treated me well but in the end it did leave me feeling a bit lonely.

I'm not going to settle because as someone said this is the best it will ever be.

People do grow. You should communicate your needs. 7 months isn't very long, and I disagree that's the best it will ever be. It depends on the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I broke up with a guy around 7 months of last year because he was not emotionally available and not very affectionate. He had kids who were on the autism spectrum and I wonder if he did too.

He was also very kind and treated me well but in the end it did leave me feeling a bit lonely.

I'm not going to settle because as someone said this is the best it will ever be.

Just divorced a guy like this. Good move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke up with a guy around 7 months of last year because he was not emotionally available and not very affectionate. He had kids who were on the autism spectrum and I wonder if he did too.

He was also very kind and treated me well but in the end it did leave me feeling a bit lonely.

I'm not going to settle because as someone said this is the best it will ever be.

People do grow. You should communicate your needs. 7 months isn't very long, and I disagree that's the best it will ever be. It depends on the person.

I did. We went on a vacation for a week and I told him how I felt. He said this is what I'm like. OK. I then went away for 10 days. We texted everyday. But when I got back he never said he missed me or that he couldn't wait to see me. This is not supposed to happen in a new relationship. So I broke up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 8 months is extremely kind, consistent, reliable, and genuine. He's not particularly emotionally expressive. We've shared about our love languages (his is physical touch and mine is words of affirmation). I'm really good about physical touch with/for him (both sexual and non-sexual), but he doesn't freely share his feelings about me unless I bring it up or ask.

He has said he adores me and cares about me after I've brought it up, but I don't want to have to ask for that every time and I've told him it's important to me. I'm also good about modeling it (I tell him he's means a lot to me, for example). He's wonderful about giving general compliments such as, "you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're so gracious, etc". However, I don't like sharing my heart/mind/body with someone who can't or won't say how they feel about me.

Is the problem with me- are my expectations unrealistic? Or is this worth breaking up over?

NP. I sympathize with you, OP, because I wasted over two decades begging my (now ex) husband to please, please, please compliment me in a way that would be inappropriate to say to his mother ("hot" instead of "nice" for instance), to no avail. But what I'm confused by in your post is the line I bolded. I would've killed to hear these things! How are those not words of affirmation? And if he's saying those things *specifically because* you asked him for words of affirmation, then he is definitely trying! Which counts for a lot. So perhaps you need to be more explicit with him about YOUR exact definition. Because even as a fellow love-languager, I'm not clear on what would satisfy you.

If it's flowery language about how much he loves you, how he dreams of a future with you, etc -- that kind of stuff doesn't usually just come up in conversation naturally. So perhaps you could ask him to do a concrete "task" (cringe, but hear me out) that would convey this in a way that would give him space to formulate the words on his own, such as by asking him to write you a love note every Sunday with just a few sentences. If it doesn't come naturally to him, he will need very specific examples, and I think this would be a good idea if he's eager to please you. If he scoffs or slacks off, that's when I would tell you to give up and move on.

There isn't a single straight man in the world who wouldn't find this stupid, contrived and too high maintenance for words.

Meh. My H is amazing with words and sometimes leaves me beautiful notes. I always pull out the special occasion lingerie on those days 😈

Hope that appearing straight is worth the sexless life!

You both sound amazing. I would write beautiful heart felt love notes to my wife if she made the effort you do.

Try writing the notes anyway.

H and I don't do these things in an effort to get something from the other person. We do them because we genuinely love making each other happy.

[Anonymous]

Just because it's important to you doesn't mean you'll get it, Op. Either change your expectation or find another relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke up with a guy around 7 months of last year because he was not emotionally available and not very affectionate. He had kids who were on the autism spectrum and I wonder if he did too.

He was also very kind and treated me well but in the end it did leave me feeling a bit lonely.

I'm not going to settle because as someone said this is the best it will ever be.

People do grow. You should communicate your needs. 7 months isn't very long, and I disagree that's the best it will ever be. It depends on the person.

I did. We went on a vacation for a week and I told him how I felt. He said this is what I'm like. OK. I then went away for 10 days. We texted everyday. But when I got back he never said he missed me or that he couldn't wait to see me. This is not supposed to happen in a new relationship. So I broke up with him.

You are the type of person that is better off single

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke up with a guy around 7 months of last year because he was not emotionally available and not very affectionate. He had kids who were on the autism spectrum and I wonder if he did too.

He was also very kind and treated me well but in the end it did leave me feeling a bit lonely.

I'm not going to settle because as someone said this is the best it will ever be.

People do grow. You should communicate your needs. 7 months isn't very long, and I disagree that's the best it will ever be. It depends on the person.

I did. We went on a vacation for a week and I told him how I felt. He said this is what I'm like. OK. I then went away for 10 days. We texted everyday. But when I got back he never said he missed me or that he couldn't wait to see me. This is not supposed to happen in a new relationship. So I broke up with him.

You are the type of person that is better off single

Nope!

[Anonymous]

Nobody should settle for less. If you communicate how you feel and your needs are not being met you should both move on. You can find someone who is a better fit.

No shame in that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all.

Quick update: we went to a lovely dinner last night and he brought me flowers- we laugh so much, and he's really awesome. I gently mentioned (again) that I would love it if he sometimes expressed how he felt about me verbally, and he said, "but I always tell you you're amazing- just tell me what to say." And I said that I meant more like when I tell him that he means so much to me, I care about him, he's special to me, etc. And he said, "but I texted you a red heart emoji like 3 times this week!" and then tried to convince me that the emoji conveys a lot of meaning. It was pretty funny, but not sure if I should just let the whole thing go and be okay with it, or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

Quick update: we went to a lovely dinner last night and he brought me flowers- we laugh so much, and he's really awesome. I gently mentioned (again) that I would love it if he sometimes expressed how he felt about me verbally, and he said, "but I always tell you you're amazing- just tell me what to say." And I said that I meant more like when I tell him that he means so much to me, I care about him, he's special to me, etc. And he said, "but I texted you a red heart emoji like 3 times this week!" and then tried to convince me that the emoji conveys a lot of meaning. It was pretty funny, but not sure if I should just let the whole thing go and be okay with it, or not.

This is a red flag to me. You told him exactly what you wanted, and he dismissed it.

I think you need to be less gentle and more forthright. Tell him what you need him to say & how often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

Quick update: we went to a lovely dinner last night and he brought me flowers- we laugh so much, and he's really awesome. I gently mentioned (again) that I would love it if he sometimes expressed how he felt about me verbally, and he said, "but I always tell you you're amazing- just tell me what to say." And I said that I meant more like when I tell him that he means so much to me, I care about him, he's special to me, etc. And he said, "but I texted you a red heart emoji like 3 times this week!" and then tried to convince me that the emoji conveys a lot of meaning. It was pretty funny, but not sure if I should just let the whole thing go and be okay with it, or not.

I would not be able to handle a relationship like this. If someone is constantly doing actions to show love, then words matter, but not to this level. Women who have issues with their husbands not showing affection have dead bedrooms, guys that are away at work all the time or into their hobby. This just isn't the same thing.