DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

Ask him to come up with a budget to support himself on his restaurant earnings, and then maybe do the same for the job he could obtain with a college degree (take benefit’s into account). You would be doing this not to prove yourself right, but to help him understand your concerns are long term. Would another option be to discuss him staying in d hook but maybe switching to a hospitality or management major (a win win for both interests)?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't push him as he will likely rebel---especially as your DH is on his side.

He should be paying all his expenses though short of medical if you still handle that.

Perhaps also suggest he take some community college (perhaps online?) classes to make it easier to transition back to college at some point.

[Anonymous]

Op there is no easy answer here but I would start with trying to connect with your son rather than ice him out. You all fighting about this will get you no where. Make it your goal to better understand him and what is driving this. Try to connect and come to a place where you all can discuss things, where he trusts you’re not against him in this but want to work with him to figure it out. Then ask him to work with you to figure out what would be a reasonable approach to this. Involve him in it, don’t come down on him like he needs to pay rent as punishment but have him help you come up with a reasonable plan. If he wants to be an adult I do think he needs to contribute in some ways or have a plan with some of his money etc. If you do decide as a family that he should contribute money, you may want to consider saving that without telling him and give it back to him when he hopefully returns to school next year.

Try to figure out why this is happening beyond just oh he’s blinded by money and accusing him of that. There is likely more behind it because frankly most kids like to do what their friends are doing (going back to school) so usually there are multiple factors here making him want this different type of traveling. You’ve got to help him get down to what that is - he might not know yet but if you try to connect rather than punish you’re more likely to have success figuring it out as a family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s asking to take a break not to quit. Who knows where it will lead. I think your husband is so sane here. Hes taking a year off. No one has a crystal ball.

What I’d do if your husband agrees is to develop a savings plan with your son. He sounds like he’s a really responsible young adult. But don’t blow up your relationship over this.

This 100%.

[Anonymous]

Guy friend of mine did that. Bragged about making $30k a year at 18. He's probably still making that at 50. He became a lifetime bartender.

Kids don't see that isn't a lot of $ in the grand scheme of things, but to an 18/19-year old..make it rain!

[Anonymous]

I would let him have a year off given that he can return without penalty. Let him work and travel. I would only charge rent if he didn't return the next year. I would lay this all out for him in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let him have a year off given that he can return without penalty. Let him work and travel. I would only charge rent if he didn't return the next year. I would lay this all out for him in advance.

I’m a PP that is team DH. But I do think if he decides not to return after a year, it’s fair to have a conversation about moving toward adulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him take a break. At some point the charm will wear off and he'll be ready to return to school. And if not that means he has found fulfilling work. Keep the funds available and keep the relationship open. Persisting through school when you are not into it is a waste. Let the 16 yr old work there now too bc then they will see the charm wear off too.

I agree but I think you shouldn’t just let him live rent free. All the money he is making is fun money. It’s not fun when it’s used to pay bills. Maybe give him a grace period and then say he has to pay bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s asking to take a break not to quit. Who knows where it will lead. I think your husband is so sane here. Hes taking a year off. No one has a crystal ball.

What I’d do if your husband agrees is to develop a savings plan with your son. He sounds like he’s a really responsible young adult. But don’t blow up your relationship over this.

This 100%.

+1 I just posted about trying to connect and I agree with this. Work with him to develop a savings plan together. And make a plan for next year - something like we support you in taking a break, we’ll support you financially this year while you work, save, travel, and do what you need to do to feel ready (and try to dig into what that is).then I would try to make a plan without it sounding like a threat because it isn’t but just an understanding that if he doesn’t return to school then that indicates he’s wanting to be independent as an adult so that would mean getting and funding his own apartment, car, etc. And then you stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Treat it like a gap year ,because it is. A lot of kids, especially boys, need a gap year. Plan for him to have one year to follow his new plan and then he’s back to college. If he’s not, then he has to leave your house and handle all his own expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS (19) completed his first year of college and things seemed to go fine. He made friends, did well in his classes, and the transition seemed to go smoothly.

He came home in May and got a job as a server at a restaurant that had been open for a few months. He'd never worked in that setting before. His only other jobs were scooping ice cream and lifeguarding. He didn't want to lifeguard this summer because his last 2 summers he was assigned to pools that were pretty much not used so he just sat bored for 8-10 hours each day.

He really enjoys the restaurant where he works and from what we've heard from the owner the times we've been in there to eat, he's fairly good at his job. She said he's very personable and knows how to connect with all types of customers which is key in a good server. That was interesting to hear because he's always seemed a bit reserved around new people but hey, maybe is the personal growth and independence from college, right? We were just happy he had a job and wasn't coming home grumpy each evening from boredom.

Since maybe mid-June, his hours have been increasing. He's worked doubles for weeks and then decided in early July to not go on the family vacation. He said that he'd rather stay and make money and he also didn't want to leave the restaurant short staffed. I told him that staffing issues was a management problem not an employee problem and that I thought he should go on vacation to have some downtime before school started back. We argued a bit but nothing major and in the end, DH said he's an adult so if his adult decision was to stay, we needed to respect that. Ok, I did.

But now the other night he sat us down and told us he doesn't want to return to school in a few weeks. He said he emailed his program advisor to find out his options and he can take 1-year off and keep his spot at the university. I feel so blindsided and disappointed that he's done all this without consulting us (we pay for his schooling) but DH was PROUD of DS for exploring his options and collecting the necessary information on his own. DS said he wants to keep working at the restaurant and possibly do some traveling. He and I fought, of course, because I think he's just seeing this instant cash each night and being blinded by it. Why go to college for 3 more years when he's making around $300/night! And his claim to want to travel? Pfft just smoke to me because he didn't want to travel (for free!) with us a few weeks ago because work was too busy and important. I think he'll keep working at this job for the fast cash and never go back to school or travel or do anything else he's dreamed of. I hate that he took this job and I can't even stand to hear him talk about his days there now.

What's worse, is that now our younger son has seen the money his big brother has made and wants to get a job there when he turns 16. Again, DH just sees that as being a responsible teen. Now way I'm letting that happen!

Oldest DS and I have not talked much. I voiced my displeasure with his sudden choice and he's been avoiding me much of the time since then. I told DH we should try to sway him to go back by telling him we'll charge him rent to live here and rent on his car plus make him pay for his insurance and cell phone. Let him get a real taste of adulthood and see that $300 a night isn't that much money when you have adult bills to cover. DH said that I was out of line and being petty and that would just cause our DS to do something drastic like move out. Again good! If he wants to skip his schooling in favor of being an adult for a year, he should experience it fully. DH told me I was crazy to think that way because the last thing we need is him outside of our house where he could get a girl pregnant all because I was so upset about him taking a year off. DH really thinks this will be a 1-year break and not permanent like I do. I think I'm the only sane one in my house right now!!

What should we do??

I dropped out and my parents took your hardline stance -- provide for yourself and see how hard the world is with no college degree or marketable skills -- and it worked, for me, I got back into school and back on track though it took two years instead of one.

[Anonymous]

It is frightening to me that not only are you wanting to control your adult son’s life but plan on it for your now 16 yo. I agree with everyone that he gets charged for room and board, plus car expenses and insurance if he isn’t paying that already. I’m okay that he is on your insurance; but he pays all copays, labs.

For the kid upthread who is making 200K at Apple, and the mom says go back so he can make more. I’d rather my kid make 200 with one year of college than be in more debt to maybe make “a lot” more.

He may decide to drop all together and the world needs servers and bartenders. There is no shame in making 30K or even 70K!

He might decide to go to trade school and we definitely need more people in trade school!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are right, 100%, but are going about it the wrong way.

First, apologize to your son. Tell him you are sorry about how you reacted, but you were surprised, and scared by his decision. Now that you've had some time to think, you'd like to talk about it.

Tell him you are proud of him considering all his choices, and you recognize he is at an age where he makes these choices for himself. But you need to make sure he understands what those choices are.

One choice is to return to school, and you and your DH will continue to pay for school and his expenses, because you know it's not realistic for him to study and work a full time job at the same time. He can return to the restaurant over breaks.

Another choice is to not return to school and work at the restaurant for a year. However, if he does that you will expect him to pay for his expenses, which include a portion of rent, utilities, car, insurance, phone, whatever. You are not doing this to punish him, but, rather, you want him to understand that adult choices require adult responsibilities. You can sit down with him and talk through each expense. If your DH is not on board with this, suggest that you all collect the money but secretly plan to return it to DS later in his life.

The key is to be calm and nonpunitive. Don't tell him is travel idea is bull. Don't tell him you think he just wants to goof around and blow his $300/night while you pay for his expenses. Just offer him these choices and be open to what he says. If he says he still wants to take a year off, at least you will know he'll have a more realistic picture of what life will be like without a degree. Also, if there is something else going on here (e.g., mental health issues) at least the lines of communication will still be open.

There is no way you can make him go back to school, especially if your DH is not on board with it. And it is not helpful for you to be mad at him for wanting something different than what you want. But it is reasonable, and desirable, to set some boundaries around your financial support of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right, 100%, but are going about it the wrong way.

First, apologize to your son. Tell him you are sorry about how you reacted, but you were surprised, and scared by his decision. Now that you've had some time to think, you'd like to talk about it.

Tell him you are proud of him considering all his choices, and you recognize he is at an age where he makes these choices for himself. But you need to make sure he understands what those choices are.

One choice is to return to school, and you and your DH will continue to pay for school and his expenses, because you know it's not realistic for him to study and work a full time job at the same time. He can return to the restaurant over breaks.

Another choice is to not return to school and work at the restaurant for a year. However, if he does that you will expect him to pay for his expenses, which include a portion of rent, utilities, car, insurance, phone, whatever. You are not doing this to punish him, but, rather, you want him to understand that adult choices require adult responsibilities. You can sit down with him and talk through each expense. If your DH is not on board with this, suggest that you all collect the money but secretly plan to return it to DS later in his life.

The key is to be calm and nonpunitive. Don't tell him is travel idea is bull. Don't tell him you think he just wants to goof around and blow his $300/night while you pay for his expenses. Just offer him these choices and be open to what he says. If he says he still wants to take a year off, at least you will know he'll have a more realistic picture of what life will be like without a degree. Also, if there is something else going on here (e.g., mental health issues) at least the lines of communication will still be open.

There is no way you can make him go back to school, especially if your DH is not on board with it. And it is not helpful for you to be mad at him for wanting something different than what you want. But it is reasonable, and desirable, to set some boundaries around your financial support of him.

He's just going to move into a group house with a bunch of alcoholic restaurant workers. That's one way to be an adult I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices. I think you should try to relax, maybe get some therapy for a place to vent and get perspective. If he takes one year off, staying rent free should be okay, but maybe set some limits like you will pay for his schooling if he returns in a year, but if he stays out longer he needs to pay rent or move out and needs to contribute a certain portion of his $$ to his future schooling.

I also think it is fine if your younger son wants to work in a restaurant for awhile.

The tone of your post sounded very controlling. If your DH thinks you are out of line, and you think you are the only sane one, you have a marriage problem too.

This is pretty much exactly what I what would have written if I'd gotten here a bit earlier. I left college for apparently different reasons than your son, and my parents responded pretty much exactly as you're describing. Being cast out on my own wasn't what I needed at the time (yes, my mom won that battle), although it turned out okay because of friends who helped me find affordable housing and a decent job. But it was really difficult to have my mother turn her back on me when I needed to get my feet on the ground. Sure, there needs to be a time limit set on your willingness to support him, as mentioned above, as well as clear expectations for where things need to go if he's going to keep living with you. But a year of leeway will give him some space to sort out his thoughts and figure out where he wants to go with his life. Maybe you'll even decide to talk with him about why he's making the decision and will find out that your assumptions aren't totally on the mark.

By the way, I went on to complete my bachelor's degree and also get a professional degree, and I view the time I took off as critical to my development. I am happy I did it and have no doubts.