Reply to DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you are right, 100%, but are going about it the wrong way.

First, apologize to your son. Tell him you are sorry about how you reacted, but you were surprised, and scared by his decision. Now that you've had some time to think, you'd like to talk about it.

Tell him you are proud of him considering all his choices, and you recognize he is at an age where he makes these choices for himself. But you need to make sure he understands what those choices are.

One choice is to return to school, and you and your DH will continue to pay for school and his expenses, because you know it's not realistic for him to study and work a full time job at the same time. He can return to the restaurant over breaks.

Another choice is to not return to school and work at the restaurant for a year. However, if he does that you will expect him to pay for his expenses, which include a portion of rent, utilities, car, insurance, phone, whatever. You are not doing this to punish him, but, rather, you want him to understand that adult choices require adult responsibilities. You can sit down with him and talk through each expense. If your DH is not on board with this, suggest that you all collect the money but secretly plan to return it to DS later in his life.

The key is to be calm and nonpunitive. Don't tell him is travel idea is bull. Don't tell him you think he just wants to goof around and blow his $300/night while you pay for his expenses. Just offer him these choices and be open to what he says. If he says he still wants to take a year off, at least you will know he'll have a more realistic picture of what life will be like without a degree. Also, if there is something else going on here (e.g., mental health issues) at least the lines of communication will still be open.

There is no way you can make him go back to school, especially if your DH is not on board with it. And it is not helpful for you to be mad at him for wanting something different than what you want. But it is reasonable, and desirable, to set some boundaries around your financial support of him. 
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