DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

OP,
How much are you out in non-refundable fees for housing, dining hall contract, etc? I'd require him to pay you back now for those if he doesn't return. Does he have no sense of commitment to whoever he was supposed to room with? I'd check and see what he may have already cancelled without telling you.

If he takes a year off make it contingent on finding an internship and leaving the restaurant job. It's a bad influence. He is not even old enough to drink. He needs to be working towards a future career and being a waiter is not it. It is a dead end job.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever come back?

[Anonymous]

OP are you out there?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP. Here is what I see, your son was happy at school and now is happy at work. He seems to be easily made happy. I am guessing at this job there is either a hot girl or a fun crew and he enjoying things and doesn't want it to end. But he is living in a fantasy world of easy money and no bills and getting out of step with college doesn't make it easy to rejoin. Given that he was happy in both situations, he should make the right long term choice and go back to school. If he wants to graduate and take time off and work in a restaurant at that point, so be it. But it should be with rent and bills being paid, not just spending money living with the parents.

[Anonymous]

I would let him take a year off but would not let him live at home. Finding an apartment and being 100 percent responsible for his bills and expenses should be a big motivator to go back to college. I wouldn't frame having him move out as a punishment, he is an adult and shouldn't be living at home unless it's just for school breaks. Frame it as an opportunity to use the year to become more independent.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say, you are not wrong to be freaked out. It is much easier for people who are not in the situation to judge you. You don't have a crystal ball, you don't know for sure it is not permanent. Having said that, there is nothing you can do. Grit your teeth, perhaps suggest some CC courses in the gap year, and encourage him to go back. Wish you, your son the very best and happiness in the long run.

Anonymous wrote:DS (19) completed his first year of college and things seemed to go fine. He made friends, did well in his classes, and the transition seemed to go smoothly.

He came home in May and got a job as a server at a restaurant that had been open for a few months. He'd never worked in that setting before. His only other jobs were scooping ice cream and lifeguarding. He didn't want to lifeguard this summer because his last 2 summers he was assigned to pools that were pretty much not used so he just sat bored for 8-10 hours each day.

He really enjoys the restaurant where he works and from what we've heard from the owner the times we've been in there to eat, he's fairly good at his job. She said he's very personable and knows how to connect with all types of customers which is key in a good server. That was interesting to hear because he's always seemed a bit reserved around new people but hey, maybe is the personal growth and independence from college, right? We were just happy he had a job and wasn't coming home grumpy each evening from boredom.

Since maybe mid-June, his hours have been increasing. He's worked doubles for weeks and then decided in early July to not go on the family vacation. He said that he'd rather stay and make money and he also didn't want to leave the restaurant short staffed. I told him that staffing issues was a management problem not an employee problem and that I thought he should go on vacation to have some downtime before school started back. We argued a bit but nothing major and in the end, DH said he's an adult so if his adult decision was to stay, we needed to respect that. Ok, I did.



But now the other night he sat us down and told us he doesn't want to return to school in a few weeks. He said he emailed his program advisor to find out his options and he can take 1-year off and keep his spot at the university. I feel so blindsided and disappointed that he's done all this without consulting us (we pay for his schooling) but DH was PROUD of DS for exploring his options and collecting the necessary information on his own. DS said he wants to keep working at the restaurant and possibly do some traveling. He and I fought, of course, because I think he's just seeing this instant cash each night and being blinded by it. Why go to college for 3 more years when he's making around $300/night! And his claim to want to travel? Pfft just smoke to me because he didn't want to travel (for free!) with us a few weeks ago because work was too busy and important. I think he'll keep working at this job for the fast cash and never go back to school or travel or do anything else he's dreamed of. I hate that he took this job and I can't even stand to hear him talk about his days there now.

What's worse, is that now our younger son has seen the money his big brother has made and wants to get a job there when he turns 16. Again, DH just sees that as being a responsible teen. Now way I'm letting that happen!

Oldest DS and I have not talked much. I voiced my displeasure with his sudden choice and he's been avoiding me much of the time since then. I told DH we should try to sway him to go back by telling him we'll charge him rent to live here and rent on his car plus make him pay for his insurance and cell phone. Let him get a real taste of adulthood and see that $300 a night isn't that much money when you have adult bills to cover. DH said that I was out of line and being petty and that would just cause our DS to do something drastic like move out. Again good! If he wants to skip his schooling in favor of being an adult for a year, he should experience it fully. DH told me I was crazy to think that way because the last thing we need is him outside of our house where he could get a girl pregnant all because I was so upset about him taking a year off. DH really thinks this will be a 1-year break and not permanent like I do. I think I'm the only sane one in my house right now!!

What should we do??

[Anonymous]

Could you encourage him to take 1 class a semester either at a community college or online during this working time?

It is SO hard to get back into the school mindset once you start working full time. This way you both kind of win. He gets some transfer credits and he still gets to work.

Maybe he wants to explore hospitality and business. Encourage him to take a class on it.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness. I ran a restaurant and saw kids drop out of college all the time. THEY NEVER GO BACK! They party and see all the easy money. they don't know about how they can't do that into their 60s.

Sad. OP I hope your son will be the exception, or that he will take to the restaurant biz and move up in the ranks to managing/ multi unit managing. But I saw so many kids throw away a future for quick money.

[Anonymous]

Military is a good option

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way!!! Nope!

This was my brother. Super smart, admitted to UCLA and other selective schools. Stopped out because he couldn't decide on his major junior year and took a job in a factory that paid "well" (in his 19-yr-old male mind) and is about to turn 51. No degree, of course.

My parents did exactly what your DH is suggesting and it was a freaking nightmare. He didn't move out of their house till he was almost 40. Sure, he had a ton of money saved because he lived rent free that entire time, even if he only earned factory level wages.

You probably can't force him to get his butt back in school with DH being united with you, but you definitely need to charge him rent and make him cover the basics of any non-college attending high school graduate who is over the age of 18: cell phone, car, gas, car insurance, and contribute toward groceries. He also needs to take on responsibility for paying for at least one utility or maybe being in charge of lawn care completely. The money a teen can earn these days is enough to give them a sense of being flush even though it isn't enough to cover living expenses given the increased cost of living.

The only way I would just leave things as they are is if he is saving 9/10ths of what he earns toward his future tuition money, in an account that you control. And that's really only if he was taking out loans or you were cash flowing.

So what is so bad about your brother’s life? Do parents like having him at home? Does he help them out in any way? Is he a burden?

[Anonymous]

My son is only 12 so take this with a grain of salt but I used to think no way, once you “take a break” you never go back yadda yadda. Now I think I would let him stay, but I am low income so it is much easier for me to just ask him to contribute because I am not even sure how I am going to make it once child support is over.
My ex is one of those people who quit college to earn money (he was coding though) and then never truly returned, he just did some shabby online degree and that was that. So I won’t be surprised if the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my husband in the early 90s. He lived at home, took a handful of community college courses and even followed the Grateful Dead during a summer selling grilled cheese sandwhiches. His parents wanted to kill him, but after a year of this, he transferred to a different school and did great. He needed to mature a little more and his first school was a bad fit (academic pressure cooker; he was more academically laid back).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house, if you aren't in school you are working full time and paying your way. That means contributing toward rent, car payment, groceries, insurance, cell phone, internet, streaming services etc. OP's kid is not "mature", he has no clue what it is like to be "an adult".

+100%

[Anonymous]

Op is a troll