DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

I think it's funny that so many of you think restaurants are a cesspool of drugs, drinking and sex. From what I've seen that's what college is.

[Anonymous]

Everyone on this thread is convinced this young man is into drinking, drugs or a girl. Maybe he simply isn’t sure what he wants to major in and hopes to figure it out in this gap year.

To the OP, I would give him ONE year to figure this out. In reality, the school will probably want a decision from him much sooner because of housing and billing. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are in college and not that their college and (private) high school don’t take trips with friends — but their social media is full of them having fun on vacation with their families. If they were so miserable they wouldn’t be posting these trips on their own social media. Nor would they go, often during the school year.

I think it’s very bizarre a college kid wouldn’t want to go on the one summer trip with his family. And not because of an serious internship or otherwise professional commitment but because he wanted more hours at some dead-end job. Sounds like more than booze, to me, I’d be worried about drugs and him being involved with some druggy townie who works there.

I really do too. This raised (…summoned?) my spidey senses. OP did this strike you as out of character?

No, this is why so many kids have a tough time getting summer jobs. On summer jobs you are expected to work throughout the summer and not take off for family vacations. The culture on summer jobs will be one of work, not working for 3 weeks and taking off with Mom and Dad for 2 weeks.
Most college kids do not vacation with Mom and Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are in college and not that their college and (private) high school don’t take trips with friends — but their social media is full of them having fun on vacation with their families. If they were so miserable they wouldn’t be posting these trips on their own social media. Nor would they go, often during the school year.

I think it’s very bizarre a college kid wouldn’t want to go on the one summer trip with his family. And not because of an serious internship or otherwise professional commitment but because he wanted more hours at some dead-end job. Sounds like more than booze, to me, I’d be worried about drugs and him being involved with some druggy townie who works there.

I really do too. This raised (…summoned?) my spidey senses. OP did this strike you as out of character?

No, this is why so many kids have a tough time getting summer jobs. On summer jobs you are expected to work throughout the summer and not take off for family vacations. The culture on summer jobs will be one of work, not working for 3 weeks and taking off with Mom and Dad for 2 weeks.
Most college kids do not vacation with Mom and Dad.

Where do you get “most” from? My college kids do and all their friends. Would you miss a fully paid vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS (19) completed his first year of college and things seemed to go fine. He made friends, did well in his classes, and the transition seemed to go smoothly.

He came home in May and got a job as a server at a restaurant that had been open for a few months. He'd never worked in that setting before. His only other jobs were scooping ice cream and lifeguarding. He didn't want to lifeguard this summer because his last 2 summers he was assigned to pools that were pretty much not used so he just sat bored for 8-10 hours each day.

He really enjoys the restaurant where he works and from what we've heard from the owner the times we've been in there to eat, he's fairly good at his job. She said he's very personable and knows how to connect with all types of customers which is key in a good server. That was interesting to hear because he's always seemed a bit reserved around new people but hey, maybe is the personal growth and independence from college, right? We were just happy he had a job and wasn't coming home grumpy each evening from boredom.

Since maybe mid-June, his hours have been increasing. He's worked doubles for weeks and then decided in early July to not go on the family vacation. He said that he'd rather stay and make money and he also didn't want to leave the restaurant short staffed. I told him that staffing issues was a management problem not an employee problem and that I thought he should go on vacation to have some downtime before school started back. We argued a bit but nothing major and in the end, DH said he's an adult so if his adult decision was to stay, we needed to respect that. Ok, I did.

But now the other night he sat us down and told us he doesn't want to return to school in a few weeks. He said he emailed his program advisor to find out his options and he can take 1-year off and keep his spot at the university. I feel so blindsided and disappointed that he's done all this without consulting us (we pay for his schooling) but DH was PROUD of DS for exploring his options and collecting the necessary information on his own. DS said he wants to keep working at the restaurant and possibly do some traveling. He and I fought, of course, because I think he's just seeing this instant cash each night and being blinded by it. Why go to college for 3 more years when he's making around $300/night! And his claim to want to travel? Pfft just smoke to me because he didn't want to travel (for free!) with us a few weeks ago because work was too busy and important. I think he'll keep working at this job for the fast cash and never go back to school or travel or do anything else he's dreamed of. I hate that he took this job and I can't even stand to hear him talk about his days there now.

What's worse, is that now our younger son has seen the money his big brother has made and wants to get a job there when he turns 16. Again, DH just sees that as being a responsible teen. Now way I'm letting that happen!

Oldest DS and I have not talked much. I voiced my displeasure with his sudden choice and he's been avoiding me much of the time since then. I told DH we should try to sway him to go back by telling him we'll charge him rent to live here and rent on his car plus make him pay for his insurance and cell phone. Let him get a real taste of adulthood and see that $300 a night isn't that much money when you have adult bills to cover. DH said that I was out of line and being petty and that would just cause our DS to do something drastic like move out. Again good! If he wants to skip his schooling in favor of being an adult for a year, he should experience it fully. DH told me I was crazy to think that way because the last thing we need is him outside of our house where he could get a girl pregnant all because I was so upset about him taking a year off. DH really thinks this will be a 1-year break and not permanent like I do. I think I'm the only sane one in my house right now!!

What should we do??

I’d implore him to go back and see his education through. He will absolutely be thankful for this in a few years when he graduates. If he were taking on debt, it’s another matter entirely. As others have mentioned, if he’s not enrolled as a student, it’s time to be an adult. Rent, car payments, the whole thing. Free rides aren’t going to work. Parenting sucks sometimes as we have to make really difficult decisions. I don’t envy you right now, but I think you should trust your gut here. The kids change so fast in these few years. Try to keep him on his educational course and if that doesn’t work, then it’s time for him to learn what actual adulthood feels like.

[Anonymous]

Awful advice in here. My ignorant in-laws did the whole “pay your own bills” routine with their college quitting son, convinced he’d grow up and want to go back to college. 10 years later he’s still an apartment dwelling loser with a mediocre job. Even the dimmest of his classmates who finished through their bachelor’s make double his comp.

It’s actually harder to go back to college when you have a one year apartment lease in a diff town, multi-year car lease, etc. That’s not even factoring in a romantic fling with some local low class, life-altering pregnancy, trouble with the law, and/or substance abuse.

Plus once off the four-year track, you feel off track and “old” in your head, and the thought of going back becomes more and more embarrassing. There’s plenty of research on this that low and middle class boys are the least likely to go back and finish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's funny that so many of you think restaurants are a cesspool of drugs, drinking and sex. From what I've seen that's what college is.

You obviously have never worked in a restaurant. Drugs are commonplace as are low life workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS (19) completed his first year of college and things seemed to go fine. He made friends, did well in his classes, and the transition seemed to go smoothly.

He came home in May and got a job as a server at a restaurant that had been open for a few months. He'd never worked in that setting before. His only other jobs were scooping ice cream and lifeguarding. He didn't want to lifeguard this summer because his last 2 summers he was assigned to pools that were pretty much not used so he just sat bored for 8-10 hours each day.

He really enjoys the restaurant where he works and from what we've heard from the owner the times we've been in there to eat, he's fairly good at his job. She said he's very personable and knows how to connect with all types of customers which is key in a good server. That was interesting to hear because he's always seemed a bit reserved around new people but hey, maybe is the personal growth and independence from college, right? We were just happy he had a job and wasn't coming home grumpy each evening from boredom.

Since maybe mid-June, his hours have been increasing. He's worked doubles for weeks and then decided in early July to not go on the family vacation. He said that he'd rather stay and make money and he also didn't want to leave the restaurant short staffed. I told him that staffing issues was a management problem not an employee problem and that I thought he should go on vacation to have some downtime before school started back. We argued a bit but nothing major and in the end, DH said he's an adult so if his adult decision was to stay, we needed to respect that. Ok, I did.

But now the other night he sat us down and told us he doesn't want to return to school in a few weeks. He said he emailed his program advisor to find out his options and he can take 1-year off and keep his spot at the university. I feel so blindsided and disappointed that he's done all this without consulting us (we pay for his schooling) but DH was PROUD of DS for exploring his options and collecting the necessary information on his own. DS said he wants to keep working at the restaurant and possibly do some traveling. He and I fought, of course, because I think he's just seeing this instant cash each night and being blinded by it. Why go to college for 3 more years when he's making around $300/night! And his claim to want to travel? Pfft just smoke to me because he didn't want to travel (for free!) with us a few weeks ago because work was too busy and important. I think he'll keep working at this job for the fast cash and never go back to school or travel or do anything else he's dreamed of. I hate that he took this job and I can't even stand to hear him talk about his days there now.

What's worse, is that now our younger son has seen the money his big brother has made and wants to get a job there when he turns 16. Again, DH just sees that as being a responsible teen. Now way I'm letting that happen!

Oldest DS and I have not talked much. I voiced my displeasure with his sudden choice and he's been avoiding me much of the time since then. I told DH we should try to sway him to go back by telling him we'll charge him rent to live here and rent on his car plus make him pay for his insurance and cell phone. Let him get a real taste of adulthood and see that $300 a night isn't that much money when you have adult bills to cover. DH said that I was out of line and being petty and that would just cause our DS to do something drastic like move out. Again good! If he wants to skip his schooling in favor of being an adult for a year, he should experience it fully. DH told me I was crazy to think that way because the last thing we need is him outside of our house where he could get a girl pregnant all because I was so upset about him taking a year off. DH really thinks this will be a 1-year break and not permanent like I do. I think I'm the only sane one in my house right now!!

What should we do??

My thought is that all 3 individuals are correct in this situation.

My suggestion for the original poster is to gather information from the college or university about its study abroad options. This may reignite your son's interest in returning to school. To further spark his interest in returning to school either this year or next, consider sharing some recruiting materials for the armed services.

[Anonymous]

Give him one year.
Charge some token rent etc. not sure excessive.
Reassess in a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awful advice in here. My ignorant in-laws did the whole “pay your own bills” routine with their college quitting son, convinced he’d grow up and want to go back to college. 10 years later he’s still an apartment dwelling loser with a mediocre job. Even the dimmest of his classmates who finished through their bachelor’s make double his comp.

It’s actually harder to go back to college when you have a one year apartment lease in a diff town, multi-year car lease, etc. That’s not even factoring in a romantic fling with some local low class, life-altering pregnancy, trouble with the law, and/or substance abuse.

Plus once off the four-year track, you feel off track and “old” in your head, and the thought of going back becomes more and more embarrassing. There’s plenty of research on this that low and middle class boys are the least likely to go back and finish.

Him not going back significantly increases the chances that he will not get a college degree. There is no upside justifying that risk. If he wants to travel he can do a study abroad program. I'd really hold the line here, OP.

Try to do some investigating and figure out the driver - a person, drugs/drink/party scene, the glamour of having $, etc? I'd tell him to go back in the fall and you will consider a junior year abroad program through his school.

Has he kept in touch with college friends over the summer or is he totally caught up in this restaurant and its "social scene?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's funny that so many of you think restaurants are a cesspool of drugs, drinking and sex. From what I've seen that's what college is.

You obviously have never worked in a restaurant. Drugs are commonplace as are low life workers.

Not true. Maybe in a burger/ beer place. Never in my 25 years have I worked or visited such a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Why can;t he work doubles on weekends and go to school?
"Management problem" - now I know where the younger generation gets their attitude. Our management decided not to hire any students next summer because of their short stay. We did fine with people coming and going the last 17 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, where was he to live this coming year? Have those fees been paid?

I think you are the one who should listen to instincts. He is about to seriously risk de-railing his life and you don't even know WHY?

Have you noticed signs of drinking or drug use?

Is he using a family car? Maybe use an airtag and track it. Is he really working "doubles" or is something else going on?

[Anonymous]

What about the roommate he was to share with this coming year or the apartment he was going to live in? Has he been in touch with those people or given up that spot without telling you?

[Anonymous]

My dc decided about august 1; they were not going back to school. Was probably the best decision they ever made. Stayed home, got a job and an internship, and took a few gen Ed classes at local community college. We were fully supportive. Dc actually applied to transfer and got into much better schools then the first one. Decided their break was over and went to a new school in the spring. New school was a much better fit, had a better understanding of where they wanted to go in life, and graduated with an amazing job. It could have gone wrong in so many ways, but stepping back as a parent was the best decision we could have made.