DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
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Anonymous
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DS (19) completed his first year of college and things seemed to go fine. He made friends, did well in his classes, and the transition seemed to go smoothly.
He came home in May and got a job as a server at a restaurant that had been open for a few months. He'd never worked in that setting before. His only other jobs were scooping ice cream and lifeguarding. He didn't want to lifeguard this summer because his last 2 summers he was assigned to pools that were pretty much not used so he just sat bored for 8-10 hours each day. He really enjoys the restaurant where he works and from what we've heard from the owner the times we've been in there to eat, he's fairly good at his job. She said he's very personable and knows how to connect with all types of customers which is key in a good server. That was interesting to hear because he's always seemed a bit reserved around new people but hey, maybe is the personal growth and independence from college, right? We were just happy he had a job and wasn't coming home grumpy each evening from boredom. Since maybe mid-June, his hours have been increasing. He's worked doubles for weeks and then decided in early July to not go on the family vacation. He said that he'd rather stay and make money and he also didn't want to leave the restaurant short staffed. I told him that staffing issues was a management problem not an employee problem and that I thought he should go on vacation to have some downtime before school started back. We argued a bit but nothing major and in the end, DH said he's an adult so if his adult decision was to stay, we needed to respect that. Ok, I did. But now the other night he sat us down and told us he doesn't want to return to school in a few weeks. He said he emailed his program advisor to find out his options and he can take 1-year off and keep his spot at the university. I feel so blindsided and disappointed that he's done all this without consulting us (we pay for his schooling) but DH was PROUD of DS for exploring his options and collecting the necessary information on his own. DS said he wants to keep working at the restaurant and possibly do some traveling. He and I fought, of course, because I think he's just seeing this instant cash each night and being blinded by it. Why go to college for 3 more years when he's making around $300/night! And his claim to want to travel? Pfft just smoke to me because he didn't want to travel (for free!) with us a few weeks ago because work was too busy and important. I think he'll keep working at this job for the fast cash and never go back to school or travel or do anything else he's dreamed of. I hate that he took this job and I can't even stand to hear him talk about his days there now. What's worse, is that now our younger son has seen the money his big brother has made and wants to get a job there when he turns 16. Again, DH just sees that as being a responsible teen. Now way I'm letting that happen! Oldest DS and I have not talked much. I voiced my displeasure with his sudden choice and he's been avoiding me much of the time since then. I told DH we should try to sway him to go back by telling him we'll charge him rent to live here and rent on his car plus make him pay for his insurance and cell phone. Let him get a real taste of adulthood and see that $300 a night isn't that much money when you have adult bills to cover. DH said that I was out of line and being petty and that would just cause our DS to do something drastic like move out. Again good! If he wants to skip his schooling in favor of being an adult for a year, he should experience it fully. DH told me I was crazy to think that way because the last thing we need is him outside of our house where he could get a girl pregnant all because I was so upset about him taking a year off. DH really thinks this will be a 1-year break and not permanent like I do. I think I'm the only sane one in my house right now!! What should we do?? |
Anonymous
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I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices. I think you should try to relax, maybe get some therapy for a place to vent and get perspective. If he takes one year off, staying rent free should be okay, but maybe set some limits like you will pay for his schooling if he returns in a year, but if he stays out longer he needs to pay rent or move out and needs to contribute a certain portion of his $$ to his future schooling.
I also think it is fine if your younger son wants to work in a restaurant for awhile. The tone of your post sounded very controlling. If your DH thinks you are out of line, and you think you are the only sane one, you have a marriage problem too. |
Anonymous
| I agree with your husband. I think it’s great. Your kids only have so many opportunities to do things like take a year off to work and travel. Bribing him to do his sophomore year of college doesn’t seem like a good move. |
Anonymous
| Also, going to the beach with your parents is not the traveling a 19 yr old is interested in. |
Anonymous
| You need to back way off. The more you push, the more he will resist you. Apologize, tell him you are sorry you criticized his plan, and ask him where he intends to live for the next year. I could coordinate with your DH to decide what expenses your son will cover - phone, gas, etc. He should not get to live with you for free. But you have to let him learn his own path. |
Anonymous
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This sounds rough. I would be freaked out too but in the end your DH is probably right.
Keep encouraging him to go back to school in one year. |
Anonymous
| That’s disappointing! I know you’re not alone. Kids come home and decide college is not for them. Would he be willing to enroll in classes here while he works? The other option is to have him go back and tell him if he still wants to transfer after the next semester, you can discuss it then. I remember I came hone after freshmen year, was hanging out with my HS friend and decided I wanted to transfer to her school. I decided to go back to my regular school and about a week later that thought never entered my mind again. |
Anonymous
Totally agree with this. I’d charge him rent and put that money away for him for when the year is over. But I’d let him take the year off. There’s alot to be said for a gap year. Some kids need a break and that’s okay. |
Anonymous
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No way!!! Nope!
This was my brother. Super smart, admitted to UCLA and other selective schools. Stopped out because he couldn't decide on his major junior year and took a job in a factory that paid "well" (in his 19-yr-old male mind) and is about to turn 51. No degree, of course. My parents did exactly what your DH is suggesting and it was a freaking nightmare. He didn't move out of their house till he was almost 40. Sure, he had a ton of money saved because he lived rent free that entire time, even if he only earned factory level wages. You probably can't force him to get his butt back in school with DH being united with you, but you definitely need to charge him rent and make him cover the basics of any non-college attending high school graduate who is over the age of 18: cell phone, car, gas, car insurance, and contribute toward groceries. He also needs to take on responsibility for paying for at least one utility or maybe being in charge of lawn care completely. The money a teen can earn these days is enough to give them a sense of being flush even though it isn't enough to cover living expenses given the increased cost of living. The only way I would just leave things as they are is if he is saving 9/10ths of what he earns toward his future tuition money, in an account that you control. And that's really only if he was taking out loans or you were cash flowing. |
Anonymous
| Let him take a break. At some point the charm will wear off and he'll be ready to return to school. And if not that means he has found fulfilling work. Keep the funds available and keep the relationship open. Persisting through school when you are not into it is a waste. Let the 16 yr old work there now too bc then they will see the charm wear off too. |
Anonymous
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"I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices." If he wants to be treated like an adult, then bring it on. Adulting means earning your own way. He can go rent an apartment and buy himself a car. Does he even have health insurance and PTO in case he gets sick and can't be in the restaurant earning tips? |
Anonymous
+1 Older DS did not say he's quitting college, just that he wants to take a break. He was motivated enough to figure that out, and determine he can take a 1 year break and be allowed back to the university. Actually quite smart that he recognizes this and has a plan to explore and more importantly keep working. Fairly certain that anyone who has done a year of college will NOT end up thinking that working in a restaurant as waitstaff will be their dream job for the long haul---it's a lot of hard work and he will continue to see that. I for one would be proud that he realized he wants/needs a break, negotiated the year off without any impacts, and is dedicated to working long hours. That' what a gap year should be. For the younger DS, I'd also be thrilled he wants to work hard and earn money. If you dont' get on board with not controlling your kids and start allowing them to figure out their paths themselves, they might just stop talking to you and do it anyways. What we want for our kids is often different than what they want, and parents need to learn to stop forcing it. Forcing a kid to go to college when they don't want to is a terrible idea, will not end well and could ruin your relationship with your kid forever |
Anonymous
| I agree with the idea that if he isn't going to school, he should contribute towards house hold expense like an adult. But why not suggest he gets a job in a restaurant in his college town? Then he can earn enough money to take a few weeks next summer, or over January break to do the traveling he wants to do. |
Anonymous
Yup--charge him rent and help him work out what a true budget would be for him to "live on his own", so he can see how adults live. But I wouldn't charge him full rent of what an apt would be---just a bit so he's aware and I'd give it back later |
Anonymous
Because it sounds like her son actually wants/needs a break from school. Better to let him have that for his mental health than to "force" an adult back to school |