DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

Read Anthony Bourdain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's funny that so many of you think restaurants are a cesspool of drugs, drinking and sex. From what I've seen that's what college is.

You obviously have never worked in a restaurant. Drugs are commonplace as are low life workers.

Not true. Maybe in a burger/ beer place. Never in my 25 years have I worked or visited such a restaurant.

Dude, you are clueless.

[Anonymous]

"Awful advice in here. My ignorant in-laws did the whole “pay your own bills” routine with their college quitting son, convinced he’d grow up and want to go back to college. 10 years later he’s still an apartment dwelling loser with a mediocre job. Even the dimmest of his classmates who finished through their bachelor’s make double his comp.

It’s actually harder to go back to college when you have a one year apartment lease in a diff town, multi-year car lease, etc. That’s not even factoring in a romantic fling with some local low class, life-altering pregnancy, trouble with the law, and/or substance abuse.

Plus once off the four-year track, you feel off track and “old” in your head, and the thought of going back becomes more and more embarrassing. There’s plenty of research on this that low and middle class boys are the least likely to go back and finish."

I can't tell which way this PP is arguing. But I am pretty sure that nobody has suggested he actually get an apartment with a lease. More like he should take over his share of those things that are being subsidized.

[Anonymous]

I've been pondering this situation since reading the OP. Let's say he does need a mental health break because of COVID and so on. And it definitely will be difficult to force him back in a few weeks without dad on board. So, how about the parents say yes to travel? Right now. Like, work another month and we'll buy the airplane ticket and you use what you've got saved from the summer till next month for your expenses. Spend 6-8 months traveling the world and get it out of your system. And btw have a great time. Don't even come home for Christmas, just check out Germany or Norway over the holidays, or I hear Oaxaca has a fantastic Christmas season.

This won't cost them any more than they would have spent on tuition. I bet the airfare will be less than the groceries a 19-yr-old boy eats.

It gets him out of the grip of the restaurant and whatever negative influences may be present there, and it takes away his ability to be pissed off at mom and dad. When he gets back next spring he can get another job to pull together funds for the 23-34 school year and he will be able to return to campus without hanging his head in shame and feeling off track. Instead, he's the coolest kid on campus who got to serve beer in an English pub and two months later was swimming at a waterfront resort in Croatia. He will also have been exposed to the wide wide world and feel on a visceral level how small that little restaurant in a DMV suburb really is. Finishing college might be a no brainer for him at that point. The other great thing about this is that it will force him to count dollars as he selects pensiones and hostels and thinks about his day-to-day grocery bill. He'll have to decide on taking a bus or the more expensive train. Spending more will mean his money runs out sooner. All of these things are great lessons, and what you'd hope to teach him about money by charging him for his living expenses back home. Most young people traveling internationally are not eating out and living big, even if they come from UMC families. It's the free time that costs money, which is why working class kids like I was never get to have this sort of adventure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been pondering this situation since reading the OP. Let's say he does need a mental health break because of COVID and so on. And it definitely will be difficult to force him back in a few weeks without dad on board. So, how about the parents say yes to travel? Right now. Like, work another month and we'll buy the airplane ticket and you use what you've got saved from the summer till next month for your expenses. Spend 6-8 months traveling the world and get it out of your system. And btw have a great time. Don't even come home for Christmas, just check out Germany or Norway over the holidays, or I hear Oaxaca has a fantastic Christmas season.

This won't cost them any more than they would have spent on tuition. I bet the airfare will be less than the groceries a 19-yr-old boy eats.

It gets him out of the grip of the restaurant and whatever negative influences may be present there, and it takes away his ability to be pissed off at mom and dad. When he gets back next spring he can get another job to pull together funds for the 23-34 school year and he will be able to return to campus without hanging his head in shame and feeling off track. Instead, he's the coolest kid on campus who got to serve beer in an English pub and two months later was swimming at a waterfront resort in Croatia. He will also have been exposed to the wide wide world and feel on a visceral level how small that little restaurant in a DMV suburb really is. Finishing college might be a no brainer for him at that point. The other great thing about this is that it will force him to count dollars as he selects pensiones and hostels and thinks about his day-to-day grocery bill. He'll have to decide on taking a bus or the more expensive train. Spending more will mean his money runs out sooner. All of these things are great lessons, and what you'd hope to teach him about money by charging him for his living expenses back home. Most young people traveling internationally are not eating out and living big, even if they come from UMC families. It's the free time that costs money, which is why working class kids like I was never get to have this sort of adventure.

Well now we know you aren't Tucker Carlson. Seriously, this is a great alternative approach to try to gety him to go along with. Makes a lot of sense & gets him away from the influences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dc decided about august 1; they were not going back to school. Was probably the best decision they ever made. Stayed home, got a job and an internship, and took a few gen Ed classes at local community college. We were fully supportive. Dc actually applied to transfer and got into much better schools then the first one. Decided their break was over and went to a new school in the spring. New school was a much better fit, had a better understanding of where they wanted to go in life, and graduated with an amazing job. It could have gone wrong in so many ways, but stepping back as a parent was the best decision we could have made.

Has OP been back?

OP would your kid be down for this? Or is it an "endless summer" he thinks you will subsidize? Does he have goals for life, career, etc? I'm curious if he has been in touch with college or HS friends over the summer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Restaurant workers do not have the healthiest lifestyles, often. There is generally a lot of smoking, drinking and late hours. Not to mention drugs among the kitchen staff. I would worry about what he is being exposed to.

This. If there's one thing I learned during my years as a server (during HS, college, and grad school), it's that the restaurant industry is full of drugs, booze, and convicts.

Know why you see so many restaurant workers walking or biking to work? Not because they can't afford a car, but because they've lost their license from DUIs.

The BOH in a restaurant is full of criminals on parole and usually even ankle monitors. Most are high af during their shifts, too.

When I had kids, I told my partner that they would never be allowed to work as servers or any position in a restaurant.

I've seen the allure of cash and access to drugs derail so many young people during my time serving.

True. I know a head head chef of a high end place who boated to work. Sounds cool, right? He had lost his license for the same reason.

[Anonymous]

I would rather have DS traveling the world than working in a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your DH need to get on the same page. You both have fears @ DS's future, you are expressing them different ways.

Surely a housing contract and other fees have been paid for the coming year? Why not tell DS that you will explore a junior year abroad and he can travel the following summer but he has to finish on time.

Or a bribe, you will buy him a car, if you can swing it, if he graduates on time?

Do you genuinely have no sense if he is drinking, drugging or dating someone connected to the restaurant?

[Anonymous]

For love of God would you push-over saps please get a grif and stop making freshman year of college sound like he was working in a coal mine for 80 hours a week or fighting on the front lines of a hot war. Going away for college when mom and dad (or even loans) are paying for it is EASY STREET. It's like a never-ending spring break with a few classes during the day. Spare the Covid crap, that nonsense really wasn't impacting anything this most recent year. This is an immature teen who clearly had some easy course load last year, not some pre-med gunner who just plowed through 30 STEM credit hours and needed to ace all of them.

[Anonymous]

let him do as he wishes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For love of God would you push-over saps please get a grif and stop making freshman year of college sound like he was working in a coal mine for 80 hours a week or fighting on the front lines of a hot war. Going away for college when mom and dad (or even loans) are paying for it is EASY STREET. It's like a never-ending spring break with a few classes during the day. Spare the Covid crap, that nonsense really wasn't impacting anything this most recent year. This is an immature teen who clearly had some easy course load last year, not some pre-med gunner who just plowed through 30 STEM credit hours and needed to ace all of them.

Not OP, but, agree with you. What would you suggest OP actually DO?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's funny that so many of you think restaurants are a cesspool of drugs, drinking and sex. From what I've seen that's what college is.

I waited tables at a beach bar in California and the nights lasted until morning and there were so so many driugs. I would go home by 3:00 a.m. to avoid the hardcore stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's funny that so many of you think restaurants are a cesspool of drugs, drinking and sex. From what I've seen that's what college is.

You obviously have never worked in a restaurant. Drugs are commonplace as are low life workers.

Not true. Maybe in a burger/ beer place. Never in my 25 years have I worked or visited such a restaurant.

Dude, you are clueless.

+1 I clicked to the end of this thread without reading because the answer is obvious: he is sucked deep in to partying life underbelly of restaurants.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s impulsive decision because he is having fun and earning good $. I also think its fair to charge him rent and for other expenses. Perhaps if he does the math on the expenses that he will have, he will change his mind.