DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

If this was my child, I’d encourage him to transfer to one of the local schools and take classes part time while living at home and working. That would be my condition for not charging rent/car pay etc. It is likely that after spending a year (or less) working at the restaurant he will want to do something better with his life. The novelty will wear off. At the end of the day it’s hard and boring work. But it will be a good life experience.

[Anonymous]

Your son made a very mature decision and kudos for him to reaching out to the school to figure out options. He needs a break. I agree with a PP who stated that kids who graduated in 2021 got screwed. My DC graduated in 2022 and feels blessed that he had a real senior year. But missed out on some international HS trips he hoped to do. Here was our deal -- he must start college by Fall 2023 (Take a gap year we weren't going to force him to start in fall 2022) he needed to be basically "off our budget and insurance" by the time he turned 24 (we know it is age 26 --). The expectation was he needed to get a college degree in that time and here is how much money we have. It was his decision to apply during his senior year, we were fully expecting him to sit out the application cycle. He applied, got in to a school he wanted and negotiated a one year deferral. He has a part time job, doing some social justice work, and planning a trip. We gave him some guard rails, told him we had his back, served as a sounding board and is figuring it out. OP -- your son doesn't want to quit, he needs a break -- give him the space to grow and figure it out within parameter you and your DH agree on....dont jeapordize your relationship with him over a mature decision he made

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right, 100%, but are going about it the wrong way.

First, apologize to your son. Tell him you are sorry about how you reacted, but you were surprised, and scared by his decision. Now that you've had some time to think, you'd like to talk about it.

Tell him you are proud of him considering all his choices, and you recognize he is at an age where he makes these choices for himself. But you need to make sure he understands what those choices are.

One choice is to return to school, and you and your DH will continue to pay for school and his expenses, because you know it's not realistic for him to study and work a full time job at the same time. He can return to the restaurant over breaks.

Another choice is to not return to school and work at the restaurant for a year. However, if he does that you will expect him to pay for his expenses, which include a portion of rent, utilities, car, insurance, phone, whatever. You are not doing this to punish him, but, rather, you want him to understand that adult choices require adult responsibilities. You can sit down with him and talk through each expense. If your DH is not on board with this, suggest that you all collect the money but secretly plan to return it to DS later in his life.

The key is to be calm and nonpunitive. Don't tell him is travel idea is bull. Don't tell him you think he just wants to goof around and blow his $300/night while you pay for his expenses. Just offer him these choices and be open to what he says. If he says he still wants to take a year off, at least you will know he'll have a more realistic picture of what life will be like without a degree. Also, if there is something else going on here (e.g., mental health issues) at least the lines of communication will still be open.

There is no way you can make him go back to school, especially if your DH is not on board with it. And it is not helpful for you to be mad at him for wanting something different than what you want. But it is reasonable, and desirable, to set some boundaries around your financial support of him.

He's just going to move into a group house with a bunch of alcoholic restaurant workers. That's one way to be an adult I guess.

And what if he does? It's probably going to be a dump, they will probable eat his food, someone won't pay for the electric on time, it will be hard to do laundry, etc. etc. That's a more realistic experience about what it's like to not go to college than it is to live rent free with your parents and pocket all the cash to have fun with. Living with his parents, even if he pays rent, can be cheaper and nicer.

[Anonymous]

OP - it seems like your child is doing this in a reasonable way.

1) they did well their first year both academically and socially
2) they secured a job for the summer
3) they have been above and beyond dedicated to the job
4) they contacted their school advisor in advance to inquire what his options are

This doesn't sound like a slacker - sounds like someone who is taking a break and intends to return. I'd almost call it a gap year, but just delayed one year. I also think it is very likely COVID related - these kids had very strange experience. It seems reasonable that he may be enjoying the job for it's social aspect and (since you say he's more of an introvert) it may be building his confidence socially. It is probably also building his confidence in a working environment. There are SOOO many valuable skills learned in that job to bring forward into a career (and the social one seems pretty invaluable for an introvert).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way!!! Nope!

This was my brother. Super smart, admitted to UCLA and other selective schools. Stopped out because he couldn't decide on his major junior year and took a job in a factory that paid "well" (in his 19-yr-old male mind) and is about to turn 51. No degree, of course.

My parents did exactly what your DH is suggesting and it was a freaking nightmare. He didn't move out of their house till he was almost 40. Sure, he had a ton of money saved because he lived rent free that entire time, even if he only earned factory level wages.

You probably can't force him to get his butt back in school with DH being united with you, but you definitely need to charge him rent and make him cover the basics of any non-college attending high school graduate who is over the age of 18: cell phone, car, gas, car insurance, and contribute toward groceries. He also needs to take on responsibility for paying for at least one utility or maybe being in charge of lawn care completely. The money a teen can earn these days is enough to give them a sense of being flush even though it isn't enough to cover living expenses given the increased cost of living.

The only way I would just leave things as they are is if he is saving 9/10ths of what he earns toward his future tuition money, in an account that you control. And that's really only if he was taking out loans or you were cash flowing.

Your brother sounds nothing like the OP's son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When he is not in college, he pays for his gas, his car insurance, his phone, and his health insurance. He also pays "rent" which includes his portion of utilities. You could save the "rent" to give to him when he graduates.

Basically, he needs to learn what paying for his expenses means, and get the motivation to save up for travel or whatever it is he wants to do. It's understandable he doesn't want to travel with his parents at his age.

Work becomes a lot less fun when you have to pay adult expenses with it.

I agree with this, even though I also think it's ok the Op's son is taking a "delayed gap year".

I think this is important to do for any kid that is living at home but not at school. Whether that be because they didn't go to college, are taking a break from college, or that they graduated college and came back home. It's really important to understand the cost of living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's making $300 a shift, which I believe because my daughter makes $400+ per shift, and he's working five shifts a week, and he's good at it which it sounds like he is and enjoys it which it sounds like he does, then he's likely to make $70K or more per year being a server.

If he moved out and paid rent and utilities and car payment and insurance and cell phone and food and whatever else he'd probably still have some money left to travel and could also save some.

I'm not sure why it's such a catastrophe for a kid to want to be a server for awhile. Maybe he'll go back to school next year or in a few years. It's kind of interesting to watch DCUM parents go into panic mode when their kid doesn't do what they are "supposed" to do. I think OP's DH has a healthier attitude about the whole thing.

It's a lot harder to go back to school a few years later, when he'll be older than all the other students. It's extremely likely that he's derailing his chances in life. Unless he sees himself as a manager of a restaurant some day, which I would not want to be or want for my kids. Waiting on tables is grueling physical work.

Why make fun of parents who are concerned about their DC's future?

If the OP is still going to fund the college later, it isn't any harder to go back to college. They may not get the same social college experience they would have gotten by going right out of HS but to be honest, they may be more engaged and more focused if they go back later because those few years of maturity are huge. I know people who went back to school 2-5 years later due to a variety of things (delayed due to family illness, military service, etc) and they were all far more mature, knew what they were interested in and very focused. All are just as successful as any other adult I know - and more successful than others!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op there is no easy answer here but I would start with trying to connect with your son rather than ice him out. You all fighting about this will get you no where. Make it your goal to better understand him and what is driving this. Try to connect and come to a place where you all can discuss things, where he trusts you’re not against him in this but want to work with him to figure it out. Then ask him to work with you to figure out what would be a reasonable approach to this. Involve him in it, don’t come down on him like he needs to pay rent as punishment but have him help you come up with a reasonable plan. If he wants to be an adult I do think he needs to contribute in some ways or have a plan with some of his money etc. If you do decide as a family that he should contribute money, you may want to consider saving that without telling him and give it back to him when he hopefully returns to school next year.

Try to figure out why this is happening beyond just oh he’s blinded by money and accusing him of that. There is likely more behind it because frankly most kids like to do what their friends are doing (going back to school) so usually there are multiple factors here making him want this different type of traveling. You’ve got to help him get down to what that is - he might not know yet but if you try to connect rather than punish you’re more likely to have success figuring it out as a family

This is very very wise advice and I agree

[Anonymous]

For most kids, a college degree isn’t what it used to be. The price is insane, even when parents pay it, it’s still insane. And ultimately stupid.

[Anonymous]

I mean, if food and the service industry are his passion, then that's one thing. If the access to quick cash is the only appealing factor for him, he needs to reconsider. Of course, a year of REALLY seeing what it's like to work in a restaurant may help him solidify his feelings.

I worked as a server every summer because it was good, fast money. I could work May-August and if I saved and spent wisely, I could avoid working at all during the school year.

However, what your DS may not realize right now is a) the restaurant is new and new restaurants are always packed and thriving right after opening. And b) it's the summer - more people eat out during the summer than they do during the cooler months. There are also more events and opportunities for catering and large to go orders during the summer (graduations, family reunions, bachelor/ette parties, etc.

Again, a full year of working at the location will teach him these things. I also worked as a server after graduation for two years because I graduated during the recession in 2007/2008 when no one was hiring. He'll quickly learn that the time after NYE until March madness kicks in are some of the slowest months as a server. January is especially brutal because everyone is coming off spending lots of $$$$ at Christmas and on NYE parties.

There were times when I'd go work a dinner shift in January and be lucky to make $75 where just a few weeks prior during December, I was rolling in cash making at least $350-500 a night.

My brother was never the academic type. He's smart but hated school. He started working as a server after high school, then switched to bar backing, then bartending, and he's now a bar manager. He makes around $110k/year... some years less and some years more. I'm a CPA so I do his taxes so I know what he makes. That said, the restaurant industry as a worker not an owner is brutal on your body. He's got bad knees and a bad back from so many long hours spent standing on concrete and lifting too many kegs. He's had reconstruction surgery on both shoulders that were screwed up from changing kegs and fighting too many drunks. He's 36 but he definitely has the body of someone in their late 40s according to his doctor, ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most kids, a college degree isn’t what it used to be. The price is insane, even when parents pay it, it’s still insane. And ultimately stupid.

This is very true. Gen Z has learned there are plenty of jobs out there where they can make money and not be thousands in debt. They are poised to become the most entrepreneurial generation.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernhardschroeder/2020/02/18/a-majority-of-gen-z-aspires-to-be-entrepreneurs-and-perhaps-delay-or-skip-college-why-that-might-be-a-good-idea/?sh=38c2503d5a45

I have four kids: 21, 19, 17, and 15.

My 21 year old has an online shop where she sells stickers she designs and she's done this since she was 16. When she asked if she could do it, I was like sure, sure, sell your little stickers to friends and family because that's the only people I thought would buy them. But no, thousands of people have purchased from her and she made enough to buy her own new car at 17. She also does art commissions from time to time on her Instagram and has charged and received $800 for a painting. She also paints custom AF1s for people and some of those can sell for $200-$400 a pair!

My 19 year old and his best friend sell sneakers. They find them at thrift stores, restore them, and then resell them for a profit. He's been doing that since he was 14 or 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices."

If he wants to be treated like an adult, then bring it on. Adulting means earning your own way. He can go rent an apartment and buy himself a car. Does he even have health insurance and PTO in case he gets sick and can't be in the restaurant earning tips?

This is my thought.

I am willing to support my adult (19yo) kid if they are going to school. If he wants to work at a restaurant and go that route, that’s fine - but the free ride ends. He needs to pay for his own health insurance, his car, pay rent, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

I’ve worked in restaurants and I think these two PPs might be on to something.

[Anonymous]

OP what kind of restaurant is it?