DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices."

If he wants to be treated like an adult, then bring it on. Adulting means earning your own way. He can go rent an apartment and buy himself a car. Does he even have health insurance and PTO in case he gets sick and can't be in the restaurant earning tips?

OP, I am in a similar boat like yours but my situation is a bit different.  My DS decided not to come back to Purdue for his second year and instead work for Apple as a software engineer in a full time position.  He is getting paid 200K/yr starting salary.  He is that good with software development.  I want him to go back to Purdue to continue his college education in Computer Engineering but he refuses to do so and DH supports DS with this decision.  I think DS is being shortsighted because he could be making a lot more than 200k/yr after graduation. DH and I have been fighting everyday over the past month on this and it is causing a rift in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

A 19 year old kid wanting to earn money and travel is a pretty good thing, IMO. I guess I'd want to make sure there were no other mental health/relationship/substance issues going on. But totally normal, and fun, and a stage a lot of people go through. For all the brutality of the US college system, one bright spot is that there are many options for "nontraditional" students who start later.

The only conversation I'd have with him is why he wouldn't want to move out on his own and work. He can work in a restaurant and go to college at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I assume this kid is 2021 HS grad. As in, the students who had much of their HS career affected by Covid. I have a '21 grad as well who started college last year. 3 of her friend group of 6 took some kind of leave last year for mental health issues that were severe enough to require removal from campus until they were stable with a treatment plan in place. One of them did not return for Spring semester. These kids have been through a lot. Kudos to your kid for making it through the year. Maybe it is catching up with him now and the restaurant work is giving him something he was missing from those pandemic years.

Time for you to let him make his own choices and live his life. I am team DH--good for him for figuring all this out on his own before telling you--that is being an adult!

It is hard when they don't do what we think they should be doing, but they get to make their own mistakes and figure out what works for them.

[Anonymous]

Once kids start earning money and are around people with no career ambitions, they often start seeing education as a waste of time, not all drop outs are as lucky as Steve Jobs or Bill Gates.

I wouldn't force him but ask another adult whom he respects to talk him into at least getting associate degree before putting education on back burner or completely abandoning it.

If he doesn't agree than he'll have to pay his bills. As far as him moving out and getting some girl pregnant, that can happen whiling living at home or at college. However, you don't want him to become alienated and only having people at restaurant to socialize with. Your aim isn't to teach him a lesson but to give him advice and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume this kid is 2021 HS grad. As in, the students who had much of their HS career affected by Covid. I have a '21 grad as well who started college last year. 3 of her friend group of 6 took some kind of leave last year for mental health issues that were severe enough to require removal from campus until they were stable with a treatment plan in place. One of them did not return for Spring semester. These kids have been through a lot. Kudos to your kid for making it through the year. Maybe it is catching up with him now and the restaurant work is giving him something he was missing from those pandemic years.

Time for you to let him make his own choices and live his life. I am team DH--good for him for figuring all this out on his own before telling you--that is being an adult!

It is hard when they don't do what we think they should be doing, but they get to make their own mistakes and figure out what works for them.

I agree. Kudos to her DS for putting a plan in place, likely for his own mental health. These kids have been trhu alot. For me, my kid's mental health tops anything and it's one of my first concerns. Her DS sounds like he's managing his mental health fairly well and knows what he needs. what he doesn't need is a parent who thinks he's a looser because he wants a year off---a year off to work majority of the time and travel some, a year off that he actually planned and managed to negotiate with his school to get off. Force him back this fall and there might be some really unfortunate events that follow, some that you can't undo.

[Anonymous]

Working at a restaurant or owning one are great but having some education (not necessarily a degree) is important too.

However, if an adult child can afford independent living, you need to let them go after some advice and a hug.

[Anonymous]

If there are mental health issues than its a completely different discussion.

[Anonymous]

I am with your DH completely.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he doesn’t have a vision for where school can lead him.

[Anonymous]

" Fairly certain that anyone who has done a year of college will NOT end up thinking that working in a restaurant as waitstaff will be their dream job for the long haul---it's a lot of hard work and he will continue to see that."

I'm the PP with the brother who never went back. He'd already completed TWO years of college and had earned good grades before he "stopped out." And he wasn't working in a restaurant bringing home $300/night. He was in FACTORY. The power of your peers can not be underestimated. You become what the people around you are. If they don't value college, you won't either. If they aren't into delayed gratification, why should you be?

[Anonymous]

May be he can knock off couple of easy graduation prerequisites through local community college to keep his study skills sharp for when he goes back.

[Anonymous]

He’s asking to take a break not to quit. Who knows where it will lead. I think your husband is so sane here. Hes taking a year off. No one has a crystal ball.

What I’d do if your husband agrees is to develop a savings plan with your son. He sounds like he’s a really responsible young adult. But don’t blow up your relationship over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices."

If he wants to be treated like an adult, then bring it on. Adulting means earning your own way. He can go rent an apartment and buy himself a car. Does he even have health insurance and PTO in case he gets sick and can't be in the restaurant earning tips?

+1

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that OP should be kicking out her kid, but a lot of the posters here are sounding extremely immature and certainly their guidance needs to be taken with a pound of salt.

This guy may be an "adult" but he is still feeding at the trough of mom and dad. Guess what, kid? You don't get to have your cake and eat it, too. So if he wants to be an adult then he can be an adult. Hopefully he will realize that he needs the degree. Any degree, frankly. It has become the new bottom level criteria for most white collar jobs and even some blue collar jobs. He needs to jump through the hoops and it is easier to do it now, in his teens and 20s, then it is to go back and do it in his late 20s or 30s.

If he decides to take a year off to work, then he needs a plan that all parties (presuming parents are footing the bill again) agree to. It should be written and there should be regular points of time to evaluate achievement against pre-set benchmarks and criteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" Fairly certain that anyone who has done a year of college will NOT end up thinking that working in a restaurant as waitstaff will be their dream job for the long haul---it's a lot of hard work and he will continue to see that."

I'm the PP with the brother who never went back. He'd already completed TWO years of college and had earned good grades before he "stopped out." And he wasn't working in a restaurant bringing home $300/night. He was in FACTORY. The power of your peers can not be underestimated. You become what the people around you are. If they don't value college, you won't either. If they aren't into delayed gratification, why should you be?

This is a valid point. It takes a lot of strength of character to break out of habits and peer dynamics. OP, does your son have what it takes to do that at the end of the year?

[Anonymous]

When he is not in college, he pays for his gas, his car insurance, his phone, and his health insurance. He also pays "rent" which includes his portion of utilities. You could save the "rent" to give to him when he graduates.

Basically, he needs to learn what paying for his expenses means, and get the motivation to save up for travel or whatever it is he wants to do. It's understandable he doesn't want to travel with his parents at his age.

Work becomes a lot less fun when you have to pay adult expenses with it.