Worth breaking up over a birthday?

[Anonymous]

If OP told him or any potential partner that she would break up with the person who forgets her birthday, I wonder if she would ever get a second date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If something is really important to you, you shouldn't pretend like it isn't. Since you are dating and you have the past experiences with your ex and your BF knows that, it would be weird if he didn't do something. But you have to not catastrophize.

This. You get to decide what's important to you in a relationship, OP.

That said, wait and see if he does something, either before your trip or after you return. If nothing, you might consider ONE TIME explicitly telling him, that was really important to me, so wtf?

You could also just end it, again, if he does nothing. Having to spell everything out for people can get really old, especially if you've already been reasonably clear. Some people require more spoon-feeding than others, and it's fine to decide you don't want to do that for the rest of your life.

OP: Thank you, you pretty much nailed it. He is a wonderful guy. I just don't want to have to tell someone/remind someone to do something (anything!) nice on a birthday for the rest of my life, already knowing and feeling what that is like given my experience. But you're right, I will wait to see if there is anything either before or after.

How someone treats a birthday when dating is very different than after being married twenty years. Sure some people do the surprise parties and flowers and dinners out every single year, but it’s also incredibly common to fall into cards/friendly birthday greetings and maybe doing something special just on milestone birthdays. If this truly is a deal breaker for you for the rest of your life, you need to make that crystal clear, or you will easily be disappointed again. Or he may walk thinking that’s just too high maintenance to commit to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if he doesn’t do anything, you now consider him not a thoughtful person? One incident? I realize it’s a big deal to you, but if he wasn’t a thoughtful person, you would have discovered it by now.

I didn’t like that wording either. Spouse and I aren’t into birthday celebrations because neither of us was raised that way. It doesn’t mean we aren’t compassionate, caring and thoughtful partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100% team OP. She already used her words and told him that birthdays are important to her. And yet he hasn’t bothered to talk about plans when her birthday is only two days away? Not cool. 6 months in he should focused on making her happy (and vice versa). Doesn’t seem like he’s doing that.

Do he can't surprise her,?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the DCUM Cool Girls, OP. You’re still early enough in the relationship that he should be putting his best foot forward and you shouldn’t have to spell out to a partner that you’d like him to celebrate your birthday. That’s such a low bar.

It’s like the threads we get every mother’s day and Valentine’s Day from wives upset that their DHs dropped the ball. The response is always “just buy yourself something next year and make your own dinner reservation.” Seriously the bar is in hell. And it totally misses the point of having someone plan something nice for you on their own initiative.

It’s like a BJ. Sure it’s still nice if you ask for it and get it, ut getting it unprompted is a whole different thing.

THIS.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

[Anonymous]

It's not fair that he may fail a test he doesn't know he is taking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

Agree. I think it is really weird and immature.

Why is it considered "immature" to hope that the MOST important person in your life acknowledges your birthday in some nice way? Genuine question.

After six months he is the MOST important person? My parents aren't living but I would still not consider my BF of six months to be the most important....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find grown adults who insist on making a big deal out of their birthdays to be so, so tiresome and high maintenance.

Agree. I think it is really weird and immature.

Why is it considered "immature" to hope that the MOST important person in your life acknowledges your birthday in some nice way? Genuine question.

After six months he is the MOST important person? My parents aren't living but I would still not consider my BF of six months to be the most important....

NP. The idea is that if you get married that person will be the most important person in life, and you cannot that once a person becomes the most important person in life they will step up and do what you hope a spouse does. My husband is the most important person in my life and I expect him to acknowledge my birthday in a nice way. It seems like people are suggesting that is immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

Oh come on. He is definitely going to do something.

[Anonymous]

I had this issue in a long term relationship. Lasted 7.5 years. Finally broke up with him after he did basically nothing for my 30th. SO so much happier now with DH. He doesn't put on a show, and I really don't want/need much, but it's always heartfelt. With you, OP. He sounds either totally clueless or like he doesn't care enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

But why oh why would you just smile and say nothing?! If I were your boyfriend, I would take that to mean you don’t want to do anything and I would think ‘oh crap, she doesn’t want me to do anything for her birthday, I should cancel the XYZ I had planned!’ You had one conversation months ago about how you like a big to do about your birthday, and he keeps bringing it up and you keep shutting it down! You are sending mixed signals and the guy is probably very confused. I do not like celebrating my birthday and if someone brought it up to me, I would definitely just smile and say yes and change the subject. That to me clearly conveys I don’t want to do anything and I don’t want to talk about it!

[Anonymous]

NP.

Let's take this from the BF's perspective:

I'm really into this girl. We've been dating for 6 months and she is awesome. She is smart, and funny and has a successful, busy career. I don't want to mess things up. Her birthday is coming up in two days, and I'm trying to feel out whether she is as in to me as I am into her, and whether she wants to celebrate with me. On about 5 different occasions over the last two weeks, i have NOT subtly said something like "hey, your bday is coming up!" and she has gotten weird and looked the other way. I'm want to do something for her, but I don't want to come across as creepy or more into her than she is into me, and i'm getting pretty strong vibes from her that she doesn't want to celebrate her bday with me. I don't want to mess this up, so i'm going to respect the vibes I'm getting from her. If she wanted to spend her bday with me, she would have said something by now.

Just sayin....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope that OP keeps us updated. This is the best will-he-or-won't-he I've read in a while.

For the record, I'm Team OP. She told him it was important to celebrate her birthday. If he drops the ball, they are incompatible. Doesn't matter how any of us celebrate or don't celebrate our birthdays.

OP: thank you We went for a walk last night and grabbed a quick bit to eat and at one point he again said, "someone's birthday's coming up!" and I smiled. But, no mention of any plans for before (it would have to be tonight) or after birthday. Trying to be chill- it's hard!

But why oh why would you just smile and say nothing?! If I were your boyfriend, I would take that to mean you don’t want to do anything and I would think ‘oh crap, she doesn’t want me to do anything for her birthday, I should cancel the XYZ I had planned!’ You had one conversation months ago about how you like a big to do about your birthday, and he keeps bringing it up and you keep shutting it down! You are sending mixed signals and the guy is probably very confused. I do not like celebrating my birthday and if someone brought it up to me, I would definitely just smile and say yes and change the subject. That to me clearly conveys I don’t want to do anything and I don’t want to talk about it!

Funny, i'm not this PP but i'm the PP in the immediate next post, and i just said the exact same thing. OP - this is YOUR issue at this point. How are people not picking up on this in the comments so far?