Having a hard time coping with being cut out of my sibling's life

[Anonymous]

Do mental health issues run in your family? Were you been treated for yours at the time you yelled at him? Are you currently being treated for your mental health issues now. I would start there.

He may or not be willing to address his issues at this time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

That's just now how these things works. It's not like a recommendation for a plumber. If you have a crisis you need to act fast, ask multiple people for referrals, do your own research, you have to look out for yourself as an adult.

I hear you and I certainly regret not being more proactive. I was stunned by the crisis and was grateful for the help. It taught me a lesson that I quite literally paid dearly for. And for me, I don't offer help unless I can follow through and/or communicate if I can't deliver the help I promised. With that, the fact that my sibling didn't simply come to me and say that attorney friend couldn't / wouldn't assist is a mystery.

People are flaky. When someone says they can help, or "have a guy" more often than not they aren't going to follow through on that, even family. It's nice if they do, but I wouldn't sit back and wait for the help to come pouring in. If this was a serious legal issue you would probably want to go with a trusted name, someone successful in that area of expertise, not just some rando your sibling knows. Same for any serious medical issues. This situation called for more proaction, which obviously now you are aware. But, again, what exactly did you say or do after this didn't pan out the way you wanted? You must have seriously offended and insulted your sibling over something that was a crisis on your end, not theirs.

This wasn't a "rando" - to the contrary. This attorney friend is well-regarded. Again, the offer was one the sibling made and I could have and would have paid for counsel. My expectation wasn't free legal advice. Again, would do it differently next time.

When my sibling announced that attorney friend said "it's not a thing" - advice that isn't accurate or credible - and time had run out for more substantive advice, I was upset yes. I asked my sibling why they didn't say something earlier if they weren't able to get more substantive guidance. Yes, I was upset, I was in tears and exhausted from a two-week period that was incredibly stressful. My sibling also knew what was at stake - one of the reasons they offered to assist initially.

To your point that it was a crisis on my end, yes it was. My sibling offered to help - I didn't ask for help initially. If the roles were reversed, I would want to help my sibling in a time of crisis. While my sibling doesn't owe me anything, I've also been there for them during numerous crises in their lives. I rarely - if ever - ask for help from them.

for the love of everything holy, just say "he" and "my brother" Stop with the "they" and "my sibling"...it's crazy-making. you already slipped up and did so in a previous post anyway. sigh.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read through a lot not all. Here are my thoughts:

1. don't accept that kind of help from a sibling or family member. My mother would get "help" from her sibling and it always made things worse.

2. It sounds like you yelled at your brother (?) because of a situation that you put yourself in-- you needed reliable advice and counsel and (see item 1)

3. Your brother is holding a ridiculous grudge. That's not on you unless there are other things you haven't revealed. Move on, go to your Easter event (don't give up your entire family over this estrangement), ignore the elephant in the room. You can't change this situation, and frankly, it's not on you.

4. Maybe talk with a therapist because of item 3. You can't change this, it's not on you to try, and you need to come to terms with your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

That's just now how these things works. It's not like a recommendation for a plumber. If you have a crisis you need to act fast, ask multiple people for referrals, do your own research, you have to look out for yourself as an adult.

I hear you and I certainly regret not being more proactive. I was stunned by the crisis and was grateful for the help. It taught me a lesson that I quite literally paid dearly for. And for me, I don't offer help unless I can follow through and/or communicate if I can't deliver the help I promised. With that, the fact that my sibling didn't simply come to me and say that attorney friend couldn't / wouldn't assist is a mystery.

People are flaky. When someone says they can help, or "have a guy" more often than not they aren't going to follow through on that, even family. It's nice if they do, but I wouldn't sit back and wait for the help to come pouring in. If this was a serious legal issue you would probably want to go with a trusted name, someone successful in that area of expertise, not just some rando your sibling knows. Same for any serious medical issues. This situation called for more proaction, which obviously now you are aware. But, again, what exactly did you say or do after this didn't pan out the way you wanted? You must have seriously offended and insulted your sibling over something that was a crisis on your end, not theirs.

This wasn't a "rando" - to the contrary. This attorney friend is well-regarded. Again, the offer was one the sibling made and I could have and would have paid for counsel. My expectation wasn't free legal advice. Again, would do it differently next time.

When my sibling announced that attorney friend said "it's not a thing" - advice that isn't accurate or credible - and time had run out for more substantive advice, I was upset yes. I asked my sibling why they didn't say something earlier if they weren't able to get more substantive guidance. Yes, I was upset, I was in tears and exhausted from a two-week period that was incredibly stressful. My sibling also knew what was at stake - one of the reasons they offered to assist initially.

To your point that it was a crisis on my end, yes it was. My sibling offered to help - I didn't ask for help initially. If the roles were reversed, I would want to help my sibling in a time of crisis. While my sibling doesn't owe me anything, I've also been there for them during numerous crises in their lives. I rarely - if ever - ask for help from them.

for the love of everything holy, just say "he" and "my brother" Stop with the "they" and "my sibling"...it's crazy-making. you already slipped up and did so in a previous post anyway. sigh.

So what? Clearly the OP is sensitive to identifying too many specifics and explained why. Does it make you feel good to play gotcha?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do mental health issues run in your family? Were you been treated for yours at the time you yelled at him? Are you currently being treated for your mental health issues now. I would start there.

He may or not be willing to address his issues at this time.

Does everyone who yells at someone have mental health issues? Also the OP has said that he/she talks to a therapist. I swear some of you either don’t read the thread or are just posting to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

The absence of gender and getting more specific is because my sibling and myself live in the DC area and it’s conceivable that they and other family or friends might recognize this if they read it. I’m not sure the gender matters to the account, though understand more specifics are helpful.

In terms of other posters saying I’m casting myself as a victim, I suppose I do, yes. At least in this instance. I’m actually not a person who enjoys drama and that is last of what I want to avoid by not showing up to Easter. I also fully realize that I’m not perfect. In this case, however, my sibling not only let me down but then turned on me pretty viciously when I expressed dismay that they hadn’t just let me know they weren’t able / interested in helping me during a significant crises. But I’m not a person with many crises - thankfully - and as I noted, I rarely ask / asked for help from people, my sibling included. It’s not as if I was constantly at their door asking to be bailed out of this or that.

It hurts to be cut off and cut out of someone’s life. I am a person who has many close relationships. I have wonderful a “family of choice”. But nothing has taken the devastation out of being cut out of my sibling’s life away. And it hurts that others in the family stand by someone who was so cruel to me - and yes, that term is one I don’t casually use but I believe applies.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. Even those who have suggested I’m to blame. It’s always good to have other perspectives.

If all the sibling had to do was let you know they weren't available in your time of need, why are you so angry and hurt? That seems like such a minor thing. In what manner did you express dismay? Again, your role in this vague crisis isn't really clear so it's hard to give advice when not much is known about the situation. If you hate drama just go to the dinner and let bygones be bygones and live in the present.

I had a personal crisis that required legal guidance by a certain date. I was blindsided by this event and - thank God - have never experienced anything like it before or since. I called my sibling when the crisis emerged simply to share the news. I’m perfectly capable of figuring out what to do but I turned to my sibling for comfort - as one does when you’re dealing with something big and just want to confide and get moral support.

Sibling volunteered to get me in touch with an attorney friend and assured me attorney friend would be delighted to help. I had a two week window to address the issue. I didn’t hear anything for several days. I reached out to sibling and asked if attorney friend was available and suggested I might proceed with securing my own attorney if attorney friend couldn’t assist for any reason.

Sibling was furious with me - how dare I be so impatient, attorney friend will be in contact soon, I should be grateful for their help. I felt terrible and apologized for implying I was not appreciative. I heard nothing for a few more days. At this point I only have three days before a deadline. I call around to a couple of attorneys, no one could see me before the deadline.

The day before the deadline, my sibling finally gets in touch and says that their attorney friend’s advice was “don’t worry, this [legal threat] isn’t a thing.” When I suggested that guidance didn’t seem consistent with A) the guidance of a reputable attorney and B) that this crisis was indeed pretty substantive, my sibling became irate and calling me names. I was blown away by this whole scenario and stunned because I could have gotten an attorney on my own and was now out of time. My sibling said I “yelled” at him and that he never wanted to speak to me again. And that was that. Sibling cut me off. It was bizarre and still so hard for me to grapple with.

Btw - I subsequently did secure an attorney to help me with the fall out of that crisis and missing that deadline, and they were perplexed that any legit attorney would have been dismissive of the issue or given the “it’s not a thing” advice.

I figured it was something along these lines. I am sorry your sibling reacted so badly. Completely cutting you off, unless there's some other long history here, seems really extreme.

Family dynamics can be really strange. I think you have to forge your own path and honestly make your own mental health a priority. My opinion, as a random internet person who is not a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist is that you sound like you are still incredibly wounded and grieving. You've had a therapist that has helped you explore that but who isn't helping you to build YOUR life. You don't need to diagnose your sibling's possible narcissism. Don't engage your mom on it. You need to decide what you are going to do in spite of that. And not in a mean way/retribution. Go to the gathering you are invited to and keep and forge those relationships. If asked, say you are always open to re-starting your relationship with sibling. Maybe reach out once a year to sibling. But first and foremost, you need to find a therapist that will help you be you in this situation.

You don't sound like a drama queen to me. You sound like someone that needs to know and embrace their own worth.

[Anonymous]

If you really want your brother back, you’ll have to be willing to meet on his plane of reality and apologize and eat crow. I would snail mail him a letter saying you’re sorry and you miss him and asking how you can rebuild things.

I would also share with one or two family members who keep in touch with both you and your brother that you would like to repair things and ask if they think they have an opening to raise it with brother. Obviously don’t air all your dirty laundry and the whole story-that would be drama. But surely you have one or two relatives who could be trusted with this? Not your parents, but an aunt, cousin, or other sibling? They’ll be able to give you a reading. You wouldn’t want to force the issue but I think it is ok to try this once. If the answer is no, at least ask the relative to keep you updated if anything seems to shift so you could reach out again if sibling seems open to it in the future.

[Anonymous]

I just...why do you want this person in your life? Nothing you have said here makes them sound like they add to you and your life in any way, so what are you mourning, exactly, the relationship you would like to have but never had and never will have with your sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are mourning the loss of what you thought you had with your sibling, but also with the family you thought you had. It's confusing when the people you expect to be supportive are not.

My story is a little different. I have distanced myself from a sibling I was never close to who vacillated being cruel or just ignoring me during childhood and I barely saw her in adulthood. Once she realized she needed family to attend events or give her kid cousins or that sort of thing, then suddenly she wanted to be BFFs. She also asked for quite a few favors and had no concept of how time consuming they were. I found her needy and self-absorbed in general when she wasn't competitive or giving me jabs or doing passive aggressive things. Eventually there were major disagreements with eldercare and her trying to boss me around and I distanced more.

The family went nuts. You would think we had been BFFs forever. There was no real relationship. Basically for me the relationship is either giving or enduring insults and slights so not reciprocal in any way. Well she would tell you she sends me gifts (I didn't ask for). Those gifts have been broken items, used clothes for my kids with stains-that sort of thing. Basically unwanted recycled landfill clutter.

So yeah for me the issue is-stop gaslighting me into thinking there ever was a meaningful relationship. I haven't cut off. If anything I am just trying to go back to the status quo of barely seeing her. Our children are different ages and there is no real connection. I too would like to run away from my family. I just like peace. I have a good marriage and family life with the family I created. The rest just cause drama.

Omg I could’ve written this exact story. Narcissistic backstabbing sister and parents who fawn all over her and rail on me if I ever said anything. I’ve learned my lesson. Boundaries and letting go. It’s sad but I try to remember that you just can’t control others, even if it’s just wanting everyone to be nice and genuine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just...why do you want this person in your life? Nothing you have said here makes them sound like they add to you and your life in any way, so what are you mourning, exactly, the relationship you would like to have but never had and never will have with your sibling?

not OP but it sounds like sibling relationship prior to this minor incident was not bad. to cut someone for the rest of their life because they yelled (?!) is beyond cruel - it's completely ridiculous. and then the rest of the family follows along? what kind of family supports one child cutting other out because of... yelling?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it seems like maybe you were the dramatic one. You had a crisis, then relied on your sibling to refer you to a family friend/get the family friend’s advice. It sounds like you’re sibling actually did what you asked (idk why you think “they had no intention of helping you”) you just didn’t like the advice the family friend gave nor the timeliness of it (not your sibling’s fault). And then you freaked out because your time was up, even though you had had 2 weeks to figure it out (your fault). Again, it sounds like your sibling did what they were asked, so I could see them being frustrated with you when you took out your stress/anger on them. The rest of the family still supporting your sibling seems to suggest they don’t think what the sibling did was that bad, either. Your sibling clearly didn’t perform above and beyond like you expected them to (and your hurt feelings are valid if you thought your relationship was stronger/you could rely on them) but maybe you overreacted…?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been very disappointed by my only sibling for several years now. It began with him taking financial advantage of our elderly parent, and then not taking the time to help out or visit as their health declined. His job always took priority, but I was expected to put my life on the back burner to take care of everything.

Now, years later, I call my brother on birthdays and holidays but that’s about it. I still love him and wish him well, but I’ve lost a lot of respect and I don’t know how to get that back.

I hope time will heal your relationship, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it seems like maybe you were the dramatic one. You had a crisis, then relied on your sibling to refer you to a family friend/get the family friend’s advice. It sounds like you’re sibling actually did what you asked (idk why you think “they had no intention of helping you”) you just didn’t like the advice the family friend gave nor the timeliness of it (not your sibling’s fault). And then you freaked out because your time was up, even though you had had 2 weeks to figure it out (your fault). Again, it sounds like your sibling did what they were asked, so I could see them being frustrated with you when you took out your stress/anger on them. The rest of the family still supporting your sibling seems to suggest they don’t think what the sibling did was that bad, either. Your sibling clearly didn’t perform above and beyond like you expected them to (and your hurt feelings are valid if you thought your relationship was stronger/you could rely on them) but maybe you overreacted…?

omg this was FOUR YEARS AGO
it is completely irrelevant whether OP yelled for a reason or with no good reason. the whole family is cutting one person out because of this nothing burger. why can't they all just move on? what kind of family excludes members over stuff like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it seems like maybe you were the dramatic one. You had a crisis, then relied on your sibling to refer you to a family friend/get the family friend’s advice. It sounds like you’re sibling actually did what you asked (idk why you think “they had no intention of helping you”) you just didn’t like the advice the family friend gave nor the timeliness of it (not your sibling’s fault). And then you freaked out because your time was up, even though you had had 2 weeks to figure it out (your fault). Again, it sounds like your sibling did what they were asked, so I could see them being frustrated with you when you took out your stress/anger on them. The rest of the family still supporting your sibling seems to suggest they don’t think what the sibling did was that bad, either. Your sibling clearly didn’t perform above and beyond like you expected them to (and your hurt feelings are valid if you thought your relationship was stronger/you could rely on them) but maybe you overreacted…?

omg this was FOUR YEARS AGO
it is completely irrelevant whether OP yelled for a reason or with no good reason. the whole family is cutting one person out because of this nothing burger. why can't they all just move on? what kind of family excludes members over stuff like this?

The family isn’t excluding OP. She still sees them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it seems like maybe you were the dramatic one. You had a crisis, then relied on your sibling to refer you to a family friend/get the family friend’s advice. It sounds like you’re sibling actually did what you asked (idk why you think “they had no intention of helping you”) you just didn’t like the advice the family friend gave nor the timeliness of it (not your sibling’s fault). And then you freaked out because your time was up, even though you had had 2 weeks to figure it out (your fault). Again, it sounds like your sibling did what they were asked, so I could see them being frustrated with you when you took out your stress/anger on them. The rest of the family still supporting your sibling seems to suggest they don’t think what the sibling did was that bad, either. Your sibling clearly didn’t perform above and beyond like you expected them to (and your hurt feelings are valid if you thought your relationship was stronger/you could rely on them) but maybe you overreacted…?

omg this was FOUR YEARS AGO
it is completely irrelevant whether OP yelled for a reason or with no good reason. the whole family is cutting one person out because of this nothing burger. why can't they all just move on? what kind of family excludes members over stuff like this?

Because it was probably the last straw and OP has been vague about what she actually said or did. She hasn't taken responsibility for not taking care of her legal issues which were probably of her own making in the first place and blames her brother for not hopping to it to solve her self made problems. I'd distance myself from a needy, helpless, vampire like that too. He has his own family and problems and doesn't need his sister bringing him down. There's obviously more to the story.