Having a hard time coping with being cut out of my sibling's life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

The absence of gender and getting more specific is because my sibling and myself live in the DC area and it’s conceivable that they and other family or friends might recognize this if they read it. I’m not sure the gender matters to the account, though understand more specifics are helpful.

In terms of other posters saying I’m casting myself as a victim, I suppose I do, yes. At least in this instance. I’m actually not a person who enjoys drama and that is last of what I want to avoid by not showing up to Easter. I also fully realize that I’m not perfect. In this case, however, my sibling not only let me down but then turned on me pretty viciously when I expressed dismay that they hadn’t just let me know they weren’t able / interested in helping me during a significant crises. But I’m not a person with many crises - thankfully - and as I noted, I rarely ask / asked for help from people, my sibling included. It’s not as if I was constantly at their door asking to be bailed out of this or that.

It hurts to be cut off and cut out of someone’s life. I am a person who has many close relationships. I have wonderful a “family of choice”. But nothing has taken the devastation out of being cut out of my sibling’s life away. And it hurts that others in the family stand by someone who was so cruel to me - and yes, that term is one I don’t casually use but I believe applies.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. Even those who have suggested I’m to blame. It’s always good to have other perspectives.

If all the sibling had to do was let you know they weren't available in your time of need, why are you so angry and hurt? That seems like such a minor thing. In what manner did you express dismay? Again, your role in this vague crisis isn't really clear so it's hard to give advice when not much is known about the situation. If you hate drama just go to the dinner and let bygones be bygones and live in the present.

I had a personal crisis that required legal guidance by a certain date. I was blindsided by this event and - thank God - have never experienced anything like it before or since. I called my sibling when the crisis emerged simply to share the news. I’m perfectly capable of figuring out what to do but I turned to my sibling for comfort - as one does when you’re dealing with something big and just want to confide and get moral support.

Sibling volunteered to get me in touch with an attorney friend and assured me attorney friend would be delighted to help. I had a two week window to address the issue. I didn’t hear anything for several days. I reached out to sibling and asked if attorney friend was available and suggested I might proceed with securing my own attorney if attorney friend couldn’t assist for any reason.

Sibling was furious with me - how dare I be so impatient, attorney friend will be in contact soon, I should be grateful for their help. I felt terrible and apologized for implying I was not appreciative. I heard nothing for a few more days. At this point I only have three days before a deadline. I call around to a couple of attorneys, no one could see me before the deadline.

The day before the deadline, my sibling finally gets in touch and says that their attorney friend’s advice was “don’t worry, this [legal threat] isn’t a thing.” When I suggested that guidance didn’t seem consistent with A) the guidance of a reputable attorney and B) that this crisis was indeed pretty substantive, my sibling became irate and calling me names. I was blown away by this whole scenario and stunned because I could have gotten an attorney on my own and was now out of time. My sibling said I “yelled” at him and that he never wanted to speak to me again. And that was that. Sibling cut me off. It was bizarre and still so hard for me to grapple with.

Btw - I subsequently did secure an attorney to help me with the fall out of that crisis and missing that deadline, and they were perplexed that any legit attorney would have been dismissive of the issue or given the “it’s not a thing” advice.

Are you someone who is always turning a crisis into a legal battle? I have a relative who is constantly getting attorneys involved in stuff. It’s unnecessary drama and exhausting. Your sibling may have gotten fed up with it all. I personally do not want any involvement with my relative’s continued inability to live life without lawsuits and attorneys sending people letters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have a lot of issues with everyone around you and they are all toxic, cruel, narcissistic, etc. You've really painted yourself as the victim. I'm betting you're leaving a lot of details out, especially those that don't make you look very good. What's the real story? What did you really do?

+1 lots of "devastated" and "terribly" and "cruel" and "pain." Very dramatic language and twice in your post it made it clear that you are not to blame because "they volunteered" and it was a "crisis" but they bailed. Clearly your sibling doesn't see it that way. Without details strangers can't offer an opinion of where the fault lies. Maybe your fault is not having the ability to forgive? Maybe your sibling is a complete ass, in which case, good for you to have him/her out of your life. Or maybe you're the challenging one and they are lucky to be free of you. Or maybe you're both ok, but misunderstood. Can't tell. Sorry. What was the crisis and the volunteered help that didn't materialize?

New poster and reading this, it actually sounds like my brother is talking about me. Like, it’s very similar.

My reasons for cutting him out of my life are valid. He’s not a nice guy but he sure thinks he is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

The absence of gender and getting more specific is because my sibling and myself live in the DC area and it’s conceivable that they and other family or friends might recognize this if they read it. I’m not sure the gender matters to the account, though understand more specifics are helpful.

In terms of other posters saying I’m casting myself as a victim, I suppose I do, yes. At least in this instance. I’m actually not a person who enjoys drama and that is last of what I want to avoid by not showing up to Easter. I also fully realize that I’m not perfect. In this case, however, my sibling not only let me down but then turned on me pretty viciously when I expressed dismay that they hadn’t just let me know they weren’t able / interested in helping me during a significant crises. But I’m not a person with many crises - thankfully - and as I noted, I rarely ask / asked for help from people, my sibling included. It’s not as if I was constantly at their door asking to be bailed out of this or that.

It hurts to be cut off and cut out of someone’s life. I am a person who has many close relationships. I have wonderful a “family of choice”. But nothing has taken the devastation out of being cut out of my sibling’s life away. And it hurts that others in the family stand by someone who was so cruel to me - and yes, that term is one I don’t casually use but I believe applies.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. Even those who have suggested I’m to blame. It’s always good to have other perspectives.

If all the sibling had to do was let you know they weren't available in your time of need, why are you so angry and hurt? That seems like such a minor thing. In what manner did you express dismay? Again, your role in this vague crisis isn't really clear so it's hard to give advice when not much is known about the situation. If you hate drama just go to the dinner and let bygones be bygones and live in the present.

I had a personal crisis that required legal guidance by a certain date. I was blindsided by this event and - thank God - have never experienced anything like it before or since. I called my sibling when the crisis emerged simply to share the news. I’m perfectly capable of figuring out what to do but I turned to my sibling for comfort - as one does when you’re dealing with something big and just want to confide and get moral support.

Sibling volunteered to get me in touch with an attorney friend and assured me attorney friend would be delighted to help. I had a two week window to address the issue. I didn’t hear anything for several days. I reached out to sibling and asked if attorney friend was available and suggested I might proceed with securing my own attorney if attorney friend couldn’t assist for any reason.

Sibling was furious with me - how dare I be so impatient, attorney friend will be in contact soon, I should be grateful for their help. I felt terrible and apologized for implying I was not appreciative. I heard nothing for a few more days. At this point I only have three days before a deadline. I call around to a couple of attorneys, no one could see me before the deadline.

The day before the deadline, my sibling finally gets in touch and says that their attorney friend’s advice was “don’t worry, this [legal threat] isn’t a thing.” When I suggested that guidance didn’t seem consistent with A) the guidance of a reputable attorney and B) that this crisis was indeed pretty substantive, my sibling became irate and calling me names. I was blown away by this whole scenario and stunned because I could have gotten an attorney on my own and was now out of time. My sibling said I “yelled” at him and that he never wanted to speak to me again. And that was that. Sibling cut me off. It was bizarre and still so hard for me to grapple with.

Btw - I subsequently did secure an attorney to help me with the fall out of that crisis and missing that deadline, and they were perplexed that any legit attorney would have been dismissive of the issue or given the “it’s not a thing” advice.

Are you someone who is always turning a crisis into a legal battle? I have a relative who is constantly getting attorneys involved in stuff. It’s unnecessary drama and exhausting. Your sibling may have gotten fed up with it all. I personally do not want any involvement with my relative’s continued inability to live life without lawsuits and attorneys sending people letters.

Oh geez, no. It's quite literally the only time I've ever dealt with this type of situation and by no means something I seek out - or wish to be involved in again. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About four years ago my sibling cut me out of their life. I'm devasted by it - I find it really hard to cope and wonder if other posters have any wisdom or guidance they can share. Not sure that there's anything to take the pain away, but would love to know how others have dealt with the pain and, from my perspective, the injustice of it.

My sibling cut me off after a strange series of events where my sibling volunteered to help me address a crisis that was time sensitive and then, as it turned out, clearly had no intent or interest in assisting. When I became upset at the realization that they never had intended to help me and, as a result of stringing me along, kept me from pursuing help from other sources I could have accessed, they told me they never wanted to speak to me again. They blocked my number. They totally froze me out. They've since gotten married and had children who I've never met. I have children - for whom my sibling was a godparent - who have never seen my sibling since they cut me off. My youngest child doesn't even remember who my sibling is.

In retrospect there were other events that led up to being cut out of their lives that I did not see for what they were at the time. I had always felt very close to my sibling and thought of them as a best friend. I had helped them out on numerous occasions and rarely made any demands on them. The timing of our estrangement and these other events that led up to my sibling cutting me off coincides with my sibling getting engaged to their now-spouse, but I'm not sure if that is coincidence. And I guess it doesn't really matter.

Through therapy, I now recognize that there was a lot of toxicity to our relationship that I chalked up to "sibling stuff" and that my sibling could be incredibly abusive and narcissistic. But that intellectual discovery doesn't override my feelings of devastation and isolation and a sense that there is something broken and defective in me.

This estrangement has affected other relationships in my family. My mother, who is a certifiable narcissist and was - and sometimes is - terribly abusive to me, has taken my sibling's side saying that sibling was right to cut me off because I "yelled" at sibling when I discovered they had not followed up in helping me with the crises they volunteered to help me with. As if my reaction to being hurt was worse than the act that hurt me. That's been devastating too.

I resent, fairly or unfairly, that other members of my family have a relationship with my sibling and their spouse. For example, members of my family are coming into town for Easter and staying with the sibling. They want to see me at a family Easter gathering. I am reconsidering going to this event. I resent that family there is staying with people who were so cruel to me and that members of my family continue to be so inclusive to my sibling when I am continually shut out of family events because my sibling is invited and makes clear they don't want me there (sibling is not, apparently, joining for Easter). There's part of me that wants to move far, far away from everyone in my family who still connects, speaks, or talks to my sibling. It's not rational, it's not "mature", but it's the way I feel. And that in and of itself is devastating. I want my kids to have a relationship with my family - but I feel terribly betrayed by my family.

Anyway, I realize there's not much to this post other than a vent and desire to hear perspectives from others who may have experienced something similar. Four years and the pain gets deeper, not better.

This all sounds like it’s about money. Don’t involve your siblings in money issues. Stand on your own two feet and be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I suspect this was not the first time you drew family into your problems and then create/caused drama when they did not rescue you? Sibling may have just had enough and set up healthy limits for themselves. Everyone makes mistakes, and we can learn from them. You could take this Easter invitation as a new start - be warm and kind, if appropriate say you’re sorry for any issues you caused in the past and then - shut up about it. Will take time, but family estrangement can be resolved if both sides accept boundary limits and don’t push too hard. Don’t ask them to rescue you in the future.

Op here - I rarely ask for help from my family or others, and certainly don't expect anyone to rescue me from anything. I'm also not a person who is prone to big crises - thank God. But in this one instance I did accept help that was offered. Again, I didn't ask my sibling for help - my sibling offered it. I also gave my sibling an opportunity to back out when I suggested I contact my own attorney and my sibling reacted that I was too impatient.

I offer this not be be defensive but rather to say that it is that very thing - that I rarely ask for help, that my sibling offered it but clearly wasn't serious about it, that my sibling was then callously flippant and then cut me off - is what hurts so badly and what I struggle to cope with.

Also sibling hasn't invited me to Easter, to clarify. I was invited by other family members; my sibling is not attending but holding a separate event to which my young children and I are the only family members not invited.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your brother is a major jerk and perhaps your parents' favored child? it's a tough spot to be and i would be so angry at him, but even more, at my parents for excluding me from events at his request. i think i would freeze them all out, honestly, but it's easier sad than done and perhaps it would not be a good thing, either, because of your kids. i am sorry you are going through this. getting over it is really is extremely difficult and unfair to you.

if you want to maintain relationship with the rest of your family, as it seems you do want to, then you probably need to accept the crumbs they throw your way and take advantage of events you are permitted to attend, like this easter gathering. see if your children can connect to others there and hopefully, as they grow up, they will be able to establish some relationships without that much of your involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your brother is a major jerk and perhaps your parents' favored child? it's a tough spot to be and i would be so angry at him, but even more, at my parents for excluding me from events at his request. i think i would freeze them all out, honestly, but it's easier sad than done and perhaps it would not be a good thing, either, because of your kids. i am sorry you are going through this. getting over it is really is extremely difficult and unfair to you.

if you want to maintain relationship with the rest of your family, as it seems you do want to, then you probably need to accept the crumbs they throw your way and take advantage of events you are permitted to attend, like this easter gathering. see if your children can connect to others there and hopefully, as they grow up, they will be able to establish some relationships without that much of your involvement.

Yes, agree that I need to come to terms with this - that I should be grateful for what I'm permitted to attend. My kids are so young so it's hard to imagine a world where they connect to family without my involvement anytime in the next decade, but perhaps they will. Who knows?

And yes, my sibling is the favored child, though to their credit, never flaunted that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, they did you a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

I agree. Can you try again just using normal language? What was the time sensitive crisis? Have you tried writing to your sibling? Have you tried asking these family members that are in touch if there is an opening for you to reconnect with your sibling?

[Anonymous]

My story’s similar

Narcisstic mom

She told my brother all kinds of lies about me, he believed her. My brother and mother boycotted my wedding. I was shattered.

Brother refused contact with me for 5 years. My mom eventually turned the abuse shed normally put on me towards him and he realized she had been lying about me.

Brother reached out to me, but never really fully acknowledged what happened or apologized for his role/choices and how they had hurt me. Brother wants to pretend the estrangement never happened. I go along, but I find it’s on my mind every single time I see him. It never really goes away. Our relationship is very superficial. We talk maybe once a year and see each other every year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

I agree. Can you try again just using normal language? What was the time sensitive crisis? Have you tried writing to your sibling? Have you tried asking these family members that are in touch if there is an opening for you to reconnect with your sibling?

Good grief, reading is fundamental. The OP’s language is normal. Sorry the lack of gender pronouns is so challenging for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

I agree. Can you try again just using normal language? What was the time sensitive crisis? Have you tried writing to your sibling? Have you tried asking these family members that are in touch if there is an opening for you to reconnect with your sibling?

I haven't tried writing to my sibling, no. I texted them once when our mother experienced a medical emergency and was brought to the ER and never heard back. I reached out at that time to another family member to ask if they could relay the message and then learned from that family member that my sibling has blocked my number - something apparently well known to members of the family other than me.

I was told by this family member that my sibling had put my email address in "junk/delete" status. The sibling apparently told this family member that even if I was dying of cancer they would not want to hear from me again. So, with that, I have not reached out.

I've also avoided bringing this topic up with my family - to inquire, as you suggest, about an opening - because I believe it would make people uncomfortable and/or that it would spur gossip / drama that I'm trying to avoid.

[Anonymous]

You said you yelled, right? What exactly did you yell? Expressing your disappointment is different than ripping someone a new one.

[Anonymous]

OP get into therapy to help you deal with this. I wonder if you have considered the victim role you carry. It is a hard mantle to drop, as doing so requires you to take responsibility for yourself and become self sufficient- which is very empowering to you and likely unsettling to people accustomed to your victim role. Think about addressing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I haven't lived through a similar experience, not having any siblings, but I would strongly urge you to stay in contact with the other relatives. If anything, it will greatly help them see you as a human being to be respected, and it will detract from your sibling's narrative of being the victim.

For example, my mother bad-mouthed me to everyone in the family years ago, and it's only because they knew me, and knew that I would never do all the things she accused me of doing, that they could see both sides, and not take hers. Cultivate relationships. It's all PR and damage control, if you want to look at it from that angle Defend your side by showing up and being charming! Then people will say: "Oh, Sarah is delightful, and her kids are so grown up and well-behaved. I wonder what really happened between her and Jane. Makes me think Jane might have misconstrued some stuff..." that's always how it goes, OP. The side who shows up most usually wins.

I have two cousins who are sisters who are estranged. The one is pretty quiet and reserved, and also lives a few hours away, so can’t come to many family events. The other is nearby, shows up for everything and clearly thinks of herself as delightful and charming. She likes to think of herself as someone who cultivates relationships and is a “connector” of people.

The thing is, the rest of the family is very aware that her delightful and charming exterior is just a cover for how unpleasant she can be to anyone who dares to disagree with her in anyway. A number of us have experienced her unpleasant behavior and are in complete sympathy with her sister who wants nothing to do with her.

So, the person who shows up might think she has won, but she actually hasn’t.