Having a hard time coping with being cut out of my sibling's life

[Anonymous]

About four years ago my sibling cut me out of their life. I'm devasted by it - I find it really hard to cope and wonder if other posters have any wisdom or guidance they can share. Not sure that there's anything to take the pain away, but would love to know how others have dealt with the pain and, from my perspective, the injustice of it.

My sibling cut me off after a strange series of events where my sibling volunteered to help me address a crisis that was time sensitive and then, as it turned out, clearly had no intent or interest in assisting. When I became upset at the realization that they never had intended to help me and, as a result of stringing me along, kept me from pursuing help from other sources I could have accessed, they told me they never wanted to speak to me again. They blocked my number. They totally froze me out. They've since gotten married and had children who I've never met. I have children - for whom my sibling was a godparent - who have never seen my sibling since they cut me off. My youngest child doesn't even remember who my sibling is.

In retrospect there were other events that led up to being cut out of their lives that I did not see for what they were at the time. I had always felt very close to my sibling and thought of them as a best friend. I had helped them out on numerous occasions and rarely made any demands on them. The timing of our estrangement and these other events that led up to my sibling cutting me off coincides with my sibling getting engaged to their now-spouse, but I'm not sure if that is coincidence. And I guess it doesn't really matter.

Through therapy, I now recognize that there was a lot of toxicity to our relationship that I chalked up to "sibling stuff" and that my sibling could be incredibly abusive and narcissistic. But that intellectual discovery doesn't override my feelings of devastation and isolation and a sense that there is something broken and defective in me.

This estrangement has affected other relationships in my family. My mother, who is a certifiable narcissist and was - and sometimes is - terribly abusive to me, has taken my sibling's side saying that sibling was right to cut me off because I "yelled" at sibling when I discovered they had not followed up in helping me with the crises they volunteered to help me with. As if my reaction to being hurt was worse than the act that hurt me. That's been devastating too.

I resent, fairly or unfairly, that other members of my family have a relationship with my sibling and their spouse. For example, members of my family are coming into town for Easter and staying with the sibling. They want to see me at a family Easter gathering. I am reconsidering going to this event. I resent that family there is staying with people who were so cruel to me and that members of my family continue to be so inclusive to my sibling when I am continually shut out of family events because my sibling is invited and makes clear they don't want me there (sibling is not, apparently, joining for Easter). There's part of me that wants to move far, far away from everyone in my family who still connects, speaks, or talks to my sibling. It's not rational, it's not "mature", but it's the way I feel. And that in and of itself is devastating. I want my kids to have a relationship with my family - but I feel terribly betrayed by my family.

Anyway, I realize there's not much to this post other than a vent and desire to hear perspectives from others who may have experienced something similar. Four years and the pain gets deeper, not better.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are mourning the loss of what you thought you had with your sibling, but also with the family you thought you had. It's confusing when the people you expect to be supportive are not.

My story is a little different. I have distanced myself from a sibling I was never close to who vacillated being cruel or just ignoring me during childhood and I barely saw her in adulthood. Once she realized she needed family to attend events or give her kid cousins or that sort of thing, then suddenly she wanted to be BFFs. She also asked for quite a few favors and had no concept of how time consuming they were. I found her needy and self-absorbed in general when she wasn't competitive or giving me jabs or doing passive aggressive things. Eventually there were major disagreements with eldercare and her trying to boss me around and I distanced more.

The family went nuts. You would think we had been BFFs forever. There was no real relationship. Basically for me the relationship is either giving or enduring insults and slights so not reciprocal in any way. Well she would tell you she sends me gifts (I didn't ask for). Those gifts have been broken items, used clothes for my kids with stains-that sort of thing. Basically unwanted recycled landfill clutter.

So yeah for me the issue is-stop gaslighting me into thinking there ever was a meaningful relationship. I haven't cut off. If anything I am just trying to go back to the status quo of barely seeing her. Our children are different ages and there is no real connection. I too would like to run away from my family. I just like peace. I have a good marriage and family life with the family I created. The rest just cause drama.

[Anonymous]

sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a lot of issues with everyone around you and they are all toxic, cruel, narcissistic, etc. You've really painted yourself as the victim. I'm betting you're leaving a lot of details out, especially those that don't make you look very good. What's the real story? What did you really do?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I haven't lived through a similar experience, not having any siblings, but I would strongly urge you to stay in contact with the other relatives. If anything, it will greatly help them see you as a human being to be respected, and it will detract from your sibling's narrative of being the victim.

For example, my mother bad-mouthed me to everyone in the family years ago, and it's only because they knew me, and knew that I would never do all the things she accused me of doing, that they could see both sides, and not take hers. Cultivate relationships. It's all PR and damage control, if you want to look at it from that angle Defend your side by showing up and being charming! Then people will say: "Oh, Sarah is delightful, and her kids are so grown up and well-behaved. I wonder what really happened between her and Jane. Makes me think Jane might have misconstrued some stuff..." that's always how it goes, OP. The side who shows up most usually wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have a lot of issues with everyone around you and they are all toxic, cruel, narcissistic, etc. You've really painted yourself as the victim. I'm betting you're leaving a lot of details out, especially those that don't make you look very good. What's the real story? What did you really do?

+1 lots of "devastated" and "terribly" and "cruel" and "pain." Very dramatic language and twice in your post it made it clear that you are not to blame because "they volunteered" and it was a "crisis" but they bailed. Clearly your sibling doesn't see it that way. Without details strangers can't offer an opinion of where the fault lies. Maybe your fault is not having the ability to forgive? Maybe your sibling is a complete ass, in which case, good for you to have him/her out of your life. Or maybe you're the challenging one and they are lucky to be free of you. Or maybe you're both ok, but misunderstood. Can't tell. Sorry. What was the crisis and the volunteered help that didn't materialize?

[Anonymous]

They want to see me at a family Easter gathering

Go to the gathering. Work, do your part, to make it drama-free. For the whole next year, re: this sibling, work to make it an entire drama-free year. Maybe by next Easter it will be an ordinary experience for you two to be in each other's company.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe this is just me hitting my mid-40s, but I don’t care who is doing what, I don’t want to be involved in other family members’ drama. I guess I’ve gotten to the point in life where i recognize I’m definitely not perfect, so I try to extend some grace to those around me. I’m willing to bet a lot of your family is like me. Your an adult, you don’t need other people to side with you. Own your actions, and don’t expect others to fight your battles for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

The absence of gender and getting more specific is because my sibling and myself live in the DC area and it’s conceivable that they and other family or friends might recognize this if they read it. I’m not sure the gender matters to the account, though understand more specifics are helpful.

In terms of other posters saying I’m casting myself as a victim, I suppose I do, yes. At least in this instance. I’m actually not a person who enjoys drama and that is last of what I want to avoid by not showing up to Easter. I also fully realize that I’m not perfect. In this case, however, my sibling not only let me down but then turned on me pretty viciously when I expressed dismay that they hadn’t just let me know they weren’t able / interested in helping me during a significant crises. But I’m not a person with many crises - thankfully - and as I noted, I rarely ask / asked for help from people, my sibling included. It’s not as if I was constantly at their door asking to be bailed out of this or that.

It hurts to be cut off and cut out of someone’s life. I am a person who has many close relationships. I have wonderful a “family of choice”. But nothing has taken the devastation out of being cut out of my sibling’s life away. And it hurts that others in the family stand by someone who was so cruel to me - and yes, that term is one I don’t casually use but I believe applies.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. Even those who have suggested I’m to blame. It’s always good to have other perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that you have too many crisis situations and the sibling felt you were the toxic one? Have you tried to make amends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

The absence of gender and getting more specific is because my sibling and myself live in the DC area and it’s conceivable that they and other family or friends might recognize this if they read it. I’m not sure the gender matters to the account, though understand more specifics are helpful.

In terms of other posters saying I’m casting myself as a victim, I suppose I do, yes. At least in this instance. I’m actually not a person who enjoys drama and that is last of what I want to avoid by not showing up to Easter. I also fully realize that I’m not perfect. In this case, however, my sibling not only let me down but then turned on me pretty viciously when I expressed dismay that they hadn’t just let me know they weren’t able / interested in helping me during a significant crises. But I’m not a person with many crises - thankfully - and as I noted, I rarely ask / asked for help from people, my sibling included. It’s not as if I was constantly at their door asking to be bailed out of this or that.

It hurts to be cut off and cut out of someone’s life. I am a person who has many close relationships. I have wonderful a “family of choice”. But nothing has taken the devastation out of being cut out of my sibling’s life away. And it hurts that others in the family stand by someone who was so cruel to me - and yes, that term is one I don’t casually use but I believe applies.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. Even those who have suggested I’m to blame. It’s always good to have other perspectives.

If all the sibling had to do was let you know they weren't available in your time of need, why are you so angry and hurt? That seems like such a minor thing. In what manner did you express dismay? Again, your role in this vague crisis isn't really clear so it's hard to give advice when not much is known about the situation. If you hate drama just go to the dinner and let bygones be bygones and live in the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They want to see me at a family Easter gathering

Go to the gathering. Work, do your part, to make it drama-free. For the whole next year, re: this sibling, work to make it an entire drama-free year. Maybe by next Easter it will be an ordinary experience for you two to be in each other's company.

The sibling doesn’t want to see me; in fact, they are not coming because I’m going to this Easter event. There is a separate gathering hosted by my sibling for everyone on the family except me.

Also, and I know it’s impossible to gauge in an anonymous forum, but I’m not very dramatic. I’m an introverted person, I am not someone who seeks out confrontation, I am someone who is pretty deliberate about not asking for people to help me and being self reliant.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you that they sound toxic. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree though. You too are part of the toxicity; you have to be. If you want it to change, remove yourself, heal, set boundaries, then re-engage in a drama free sort of way.

And your story is incomplete, confusing, and accusatory. This tells me that you are trying to paint a certain picture, but are leaving out your part in the drama. You are hurt. I get that. You probably did some hurting to your family too.

[Anonymous]

If it's true that sibling was vicious, abusive, and cruel are you not better off without them in your life? Why open that door again? You "yelled" at sibling in your OP and likely said some hurtful things. Now you are being punished. Doesn't sound like sibling is over their hurt of what you did to them. Might need more time before reconciliation is possible on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

The absence of gender and getting more specific is because my sibling and myself live in the DC area and it’s conceivable that they and other family or friends might recognize this if they read it. I’m not sure the gender matters to the account, though understand more specifics are helpful.

In terms of other posters saying I’m casting myself as a victim, I suppose I do, yes. At least in this instance. I’m actually not a person who enjoys drama and that is last of what I want to avoid by not showing up to Easter. I also fully realize that I’m not perfect. In this case, however, my sibling not only let me down but then turned on me pretty viciously when I expressed dismay that they hadn’t just let me know they weren’t able / interested in helping me during a significant crises. But I’m not a person with many crises - thankfully - and as I noted, I rarely ask / asked for help from people, my sibling included. It’s not as if I was constantly at their door asking to be bailed out of this or that.

It hurts to be cut off and cut out of someone’s life. I am a person who has many close relationships. I have wonderful a “family of choice”. But nothing has taken the devastation out of being cut out of my sibling’s life away. And it hurts that others in the family stand by someone who was so cruel to me - and yes, that term is one I don’t casually use but I believe applies.

Anyway, thanks for your responses. Even those who have suggested I’m to blame. It’s always good to have other perspectives.

If all the sibling had to do was let you know they weren't available in your time of need, why are you so angry and hurt? That seems like such a minor thing. In what manner did you express dismay? Again, your role in this vague crisis isn't really clear so it's hard to give advice when not much is known about the situation. If you hate drama just go to the dinner and let bygones be bygones and live in the present.

I had a personal crisis that required legal guidance by a certain date. I was blindsided by this event and - thank God - have never experienced anything like it before or since. I called my sibling when the crisis emerged simply to share the news. I’m perfectly capable of figuring out what to do but I turned to my sibling for comfort - as one does when you’re dealing with something big and just want to confide and get moral support.

Sibling volunteered to get me in touch with an attorney friend and assured me attorney friend would be delighted to help. I had a two week window to address the issue. I didn’t hear anything for several days. I reached out to sibling and asked if attorney friend was available and suggested I might proceed with securing my own attorney if attorney friend couldn’t assist for any reason.

Sibling was furious with me - how dare I be so impatient, attorney friend will be in contact soon, I should be grateful for their help. I felt terrible and apologized for implying I was not appreciative. I heard nothing for a few more days. At this point I only have three days before a deadline. I call around to a couple of attorneys, no one could see me before the deadline.

The day before the deadline, my sibling finally gets in touch and says that their attorney friend’s advice was “don’t worry, this [legal threat] isn’t a thing.” When I suggested that guidance didn’t seem consistent with A) the guidance of a reputable attorney and B) that this crisis was indeed pretty substantive, my sibling became irate and calling me names. I was blown away by this whole scenario and stunned because I could have gotten an attorney on my own and was now out of time. My sibling said I “yelled” at him and that he never wanted to speak to me again. And that was that. Sibling cut me off. It was bizarre and still so hard for me to grapple with.

Btw - I subsequently did secure an attorney to help me with the fall out of that crisis and missing that deadline, and they were perplexed that any legit attorney would have been dismissive of the issue or given the “it’s not a thing” advice.