Having a hard time coping with being cut out of my sibling's life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About four years ago my sibling cut me out of their life. I'm devasted by it - I find it really hard to cope and wonder if other posters have any wisdom or guidance they can share. Not sure that there's anything to take the pain away, but would love to know how others have dealt with the pain and, from my perspective, the injustice of it.

My sibling cut me off after a strange series of events where my sibling volunteered to help me address a crisis that was time sensitive and then, as it turned out, clearly had no intent or interest in assisting. When I became upset at the realization that they never had intended to help me and, as a result of stringing me along, kept me from pursuing help from other sources I could have accessed, they told me they never wanted to speak to me again. They blocked my number. They totally froze me out. They've since gotten married and had children who I've never met. I have children - for whom my sibling was a godparent - who have never seen my sibling since they cut me off. My youngest child doesn't even remember who my sibling is.

In retrospect there were other events that led up to being cut out of their lives that I did not see for what they were at the time. I had always felt very close to my sibling and thought of them as a best friend. I had helped them out on numerous occasions and rarely made any demands on them. The timing of our estrangement and these other events that led up to my sibling cutting me off coincides with my sibling getting engaged to their now-spouse, but I'm not sure if that is coincidence. And I guess it doesn't really matter.

Through therapy, I now recognize that there was a lot of toxicity to our relationship that I chalked up to "sibling stuff" and that my sibling could be incredibly abusive and narcissistic. But that intellectual discovery doesn't override my feelings of devastation and isolation and a sense that there is something broken and defective in me.

This estrangement has affected other relationships in my family. My mother, who is a certifiable narcissist and was - and sometimes is - terribly abusive to me, has taken my sibling's side saying that sibling was right to cut me off because I "yelled" at sibling when I discovered they had not followed up in helping me with the crises they volunteered to help me with. As if my reaction to being hurt was worse than the act that hurt me. That's been devastating too.

I resent, fairly or unfairly, that other members of my family have a relationship with my sibling and their spouse. For example, members of my family are coming into town for Easter and staying with the sibling. They want to see me at a family Easter gathering. I am reconsidering going to this event. I resent that family there is staying with people who were so cruel to me and that members of my family continue to be so inclusive to my sibling when I am continually shut out of family events because my sibling is invited and makes clear they don't want me there (sibling is not, apparently, joining for Easter). There's part of me that wants to move far, far away from everyone in my family who still connects, speaks, or talks to my sibling. It's not rational, it's not "mature", but it's the way I feel. And that in and of itself is devastating. I want my kids to have a relationship with my family - but I feel terribly betrayed by my family.

Anyway, I realize there's not much to this post other than a vent and desire to hear perspectives from others who may have experienced something similar. Four years and the pain gets deeper, not better.

OP-- your sibling sounds emotionally abusive and you probably shouldn't seek to have him in your life. I don't think there's anything wrong with distancing yourself from your family-- they're agreeing to play these hurtful games. Maybe they're afraid they won't see your brother if they don't do it on his terms, but in the process, they're scapegoating and hurting you. I wouldn't stand for it. I don't think relationships should be maintained at any cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They want to see me at a family Easter gathering

Go to the gathering. Work, do your part, to make it drama-free. For the whole next year, re: this sibling, work to make it an entire drama-free year. Maybe by next Easter it will be an ordinary experience for you two to be in each other's company.

The sibling doesn’t want to see me; in fact, they are not coming because I’m going to this Easter event. There is a separate gathering hosted by my sibling for everyone on the family except me.

Also, and I know it’s impossible to gauge in an anonymous forum, but I’m not very dramatic. I’m an introverted person, I am not someone who seeks out confrontation, I am someone who is pretty deliberate about not asking for people to help me and being self reliant.

Worry about your own relationships. Accept your sibling doesn’t want to see you, accept it, and move on. Others are allowed to have a relationship independent from your with sibling. As long as they aren’t “getting in the middle” there is no reason for you to be bothered. Just move on. Invite who you want to see over your house or out somewhere. Accept abs move on OP. The worst thing you can do if force a relationship on someone that doesn’t want anything to do with you or to try and manipulate those around you to not visit sibling bc of how you think they treated you. You have nothing to do with their relationship