Having a hard time coping with being cut out of my sibling's life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it seems like maybe you were the dramatic one. You had a crisis, then relied on your sibling to refer you to a family friend/get the family friend’s advice. It sounds like you’re sibling actually did what you asked (idk why you think “they had no intention of helping you”) you just didn’t like the advice the family friend gave nor the timeliness of it (not your sibling’s fault). And then you freaked out because your time was up, even though you had had 2 weeks to figure it out (your fault). Again, it sounds like your sibling did what they were asked, so I could see them being frustrated with you when you took out your stress/anger on them. The rest of the family still supporting your sibling seems to suggest they don’t think what the sibling did was that bad, either. Your sibling clearly didn’t perform above and beyond like you expected them to (and your hurt feelings are valid if you thought your relationship was stronger/you could rely on them) but maybe you overreacted…?

omg this was FOUR YEARS AGO
it is completely irrelevant whether OP yelled for a reason or with no good reason. the whole family is cutting one person out because of this nothing burger. why can't they all just move on? what kind of family excludes members over stuff like this?

Because it was probably the last straw and OP has been vague about what she actually said or did. She hasn't taken responsibility for not taking care of her legal issues which were probably of her own making in the first place and blames her brother for not hopping to it to solve her self made problems. I'd distance myself from a needy, helpless, vampire like that too. He has his own family and problems and doesn't need his sister bringing him down. There's obviously more to the story.

I’m following this thread since I relate to aspects of it and it’s amazing how posters like you are attacking the OP as a user and vampire even though the OP has clearly stated they don’t ask for help very often. Also, the sibling OFFERED to help and could have rescinded the offer at any time.

And since when is asking for help a crime or being a vampire?!? I read on this forum and elsewhere all the time “ask for help”, “don’t see asking for help as a sign of weakness”, “accept help when offered” …. And then you are bludgeoned and flamed if you do! WTF.

WTF indeed. When you ask for help and someone offers but then you call, harass, and harangue them to hurry up because you are on a deadline, then, you are the a-hole. If you want something done right, do it yourself. If should have been obvious that the clock was ticking and OP needed to put her big girl panties on and clean up her own mess. Would have been nice to get help, but again, it's her life and problem and she's ultimately responsible. What would you do if someone went off on you when you didn't help fast enough to clean up a mess of their own making?

while agree that, four years ago, OP needed to pursue other solutions and not wait for her brother's lead to pan out, it is vicious to cut off a sibling over this and, even more so, to tolerate a child who cut off contact with one's other child over this. if one of my children wanted to cut off their siblings over such minor (relatively speaking, especially after several years) event, I would absolutely not tolerate it. as I said, at this point, it is completely irrelevant who was to blame for the event from four years ago. the person who still holds the grudge and excludes a family member and her kids because of it, is the evil one.

Isn't the more likely story that this was the last straw? OP admits she "yelled" but for some reason won't admit what she said. Again, likely because it's unflattering. I think you need to read between the lines here because it doesn't all add up. Otherwise her brother is totally insane and then why would she want to reconnect anyway? If you believe OP at face value, I think that's naive.

I am already pricing this in. I am assuming that OP said something unflattering about her SIL. The problem, as I see it, is not so much the brother but the parents. They are not supposed so side with one child so egregiously no matter what was said.

But none of that is clear. OP is invited to Easter, her brother can choose to not come. Sounds like she is in touch with all the family she's just mad they aren't taking sides and shunning the brother because he was "so cruel" sounds more like the family isn't getting involved. So what if extended family is staying with brother? Maybe he has the space and they don't care to get involved. OP is mad they aren't taking her side, and again, her mother is mad about what she said that OP apparently dare not repeat here. So it must have been egregious.

[Anonymous]

So what if it was egregious? It is family. I don't think you are grasping what is happening - the only reason OP can attend Easter is because her brother decided not to. If he wanted to, she would've been out of it. The brother has the first pick of all family gatherings, and OP can only attend those he is not interested in. Personally, this would not fly with me and I would actively seek revenge against my parents and my brother. But OP does seem to be a doormat. But while I don't love doormats, that's very different from what you are accusing her of.

[Anonymous]

Her brother has set a boundary and OP has to respect it. He doesn’t want to see her.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but if everyone is taking the brother's side, there has to be more going on than OP is telling us -- she does not seem to be the victim here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but if everyone is taking the brother's side, there has to be more going on than OP is telling us -- she does not seem to be the victim here

Not sure why you are suggesting they’re taking the brothers side. That’s not what the OP has said if you read the thread. OP said simply that the mom (who OP said has been abusive in the past) has sided w/ the sibling and that members of the family still engage with the sinking, including at family get togethers that the sibling insists that OP and her kids are excluded from. I think that latter part is - to use the OP’s language - cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but if everyone is taking the brother's side, there has to be more going on than OP is telling us -- she does not seem to be the victim here

Not sure why you are suggesting they’re taking the brothers side. That’s not what the OP has said if you read the thread. OP said simply that the mom (who OP said has been abusive in the past) has sided w/ the sibling and that members of the family still engage with the sinking, including at family get togethers that the sibling insists that OP and her kids are excluded from. I think that latter part is - to use the OP’s language - cruel.

Also want to add, people don’t always gravitate to what’s “right” and “just”. Often the “nice people” are trampled on in favor of the people who are deemed more charismatic or popular or powerful. This is doubly true in families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if it was egregious? It is family. I don't think you are grasping what is happening - the only reason OP can attend Easter is because her brother decided not to. If he wanted to, she would've been out of it. The brother has the first pick of all family gatherings, and OP can only attend those he is not interested in. Personally, this would not fly with me and I would actively seek revenge against my parents and my brother. But OP does seem to be a doormat. But while I don't love doormats, that's very different from what you are accusing her of.

What do you mean by “active revenge”? People are saying OP is toxic for evening questioning the unfairness you captured so well.

[Anonymous]

Go to the gathering. Work, do your part, to make it drama-free. For the whole next year, re: this sibling, work to make it an entire drama-free year. Maybe by next Easter it will be an ordinary experience for you two to be in each other's company.


The sibling doesn’t want to see me; in fact, they are not coming because I’m going to this Easter event

Good. Go. Same advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if it was egregious? It is family. I don't think you are grasping what is happening - the only reason OP can attend Easter is because her brother decided not to. If he wanted to, she would've been out of it. The brother has the first pick of all family gatherings, and OP can only attend those he is not interested in. Personally, this would not fly with me and I would actively seek revenge against my parents and my brother. But OP does seem to be a doormat. But while I don't love doormats, that's very different from what you are accusing her of.

What do you mean by “active revenge”? People are saying OP is toxic for evening questioning the unfairness you captured so well.

People here are clearly projecting their own issues and simply adding stuff to the story with zero evidence that anything like it happened. Sure, we only know OP’s side of the story but we can’t simply add random events to it to make it more balanced and then pass judgment as if this were the true story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if it was egregious? It is family. I don't think you are grasping what is happening - the only reason OP can attend Easter is because her brother decided not to. If he wanted to, she would've been out of it. The brother has the first pick of all family gatherings, and OP can only attend those he is not interested in. Personally, this would not fly with me and I would actively seek revenge against my parents and my brother. But OP does seem to be a doormat. But while I don't love doormats, that's very different from what you are accusing her of.

What do you mean by “active revenge”? People are saying OP is toxic for evening questioning the unfairness you captured so well.

People here are clearly projecting their own issues and simply adding stuff to the story with zero evidence that anything like it happened. Sure, we only know OP’s side of the story but we can’t simply add random events to it to make it more balanced and then pass judgment as if this were the true story.

Don’t be so naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry, but I can't get through your post. your determination to keep gender out of it and not offer any specifics makes it super hard to follow.

I agree. Can you try again just using normal language? What was the time sensitive crisis? Have you tried writing to your sibling? Have you tried asking these family members that are in touch if there is an opening for you to reconnect with your sibling?

I haven't tried writing to my sibling, no. I texted them once when our mother experienced a medical emergency and was brought to the ER and never heard back. I reached out at that time to another family member to ask if they could relay the message and then learned from that family member that my sibling has blocked my number - something apparently well known to members of the family other than me.

I was told by this family member that my sibling had put my email address in "junk/delete" status. The sibling apparently told this family member that even if I was dying of cancer they would not want to hear from me again. So, with that, I have not reached out.

I've also avoided bringing this topic up with my family - to inquire, as you suggest, about an opening - because I believe it would make people uncomfortable and/or that it would spur gossip / drama that I'm trying to avoid.

If your objective is to get your sibling back into your life, then I’d write to them via snail mail and apologize. Don’t point the finger. Don’t expect an apology. Just say you’re sorry and you want sib back in your life and ask what you need to do.

You could also discreetly ask a family member to assess whether there’s an opening to reconnect. Don’t share backstory. Just ask if they will ask sibling on your behalf for a meeting. Don’t choose your gossipy cousin or your parents-surely you have a stable and sane family member who can give you an honest assessment and raise this with sibling without drama. Don’t do this repeatedly (that’s drama), but one time is ok.

Then be prepared to put your money where your mouth is-DO NOT reshash, do not point the finger, etc. Just say you’re sorry, let the past go, and move forward if your sibling is open to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if it was egregious? It is family. I don't think you are grasping what is happening - the only reason OP can attend Easter is because her brother decided not to. If he wanted to, she would've been out of it. The brother has the first pick of all family gatherings, and OP can only attend those he is not interested in. Personally, this would not fly with me and I would actively seek revenge against my parents and my brother. But OP does seem to be a doormat. But while I don't love doormats, that's very different from what you are accusing her of.

What do you mean by “active revenge”? People are saying OP is toxic for evening questioning the unfairness you captured so well.

People here are clearly projecting their own issues and simply adding stuff to the story with zero evidence that anything like it happened. Sure, we only know OP’s side of the story but we can’t simply add random events to it to make it more balanced and then pass judgment as if this were the true story.

Don’t be so naive.

Naive about what? I’ve read every post from the OP - that I identify as the OP. I then read the responses, many are thoughtful but many of them full of accusations about what “must have” happened and/or OP not being honest or OP is a “vampire”. It’s sort of nuts.

Then there are the posters who say OP is a terrible toxic person and then people like the poster above - OP is a doormat for not seeking revenge. What?

[Anonymous]

How much of it is actually wanting your sibling back vs. just wanting to solve the pain of having been rejected?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of it is actually wanting your sibling back vs. just wanting to solve the pain of having been rejected?

Can’t it be both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if it was egregious? It is family. I don't think you are grasping what is happening - the only reason OP can attend Easter is because her brother decided not to. If he wanted to, she would've been out of it. The brother has the first pick of all family gatherings, and OP can only attend those he is not interested in. Personally, this would not fly with me and I would actively seek revenge against my parents and my brother. But OP does seem to be a doormat. But while I don't love doormats, that's very different from what you are accusing her of.

What do you mean by “active revenge”? People are saying OP is toxic for evening questioning the unfairness you captured so well.

People here are clearly projecting their own issues and simply adding stuff to the story with zero evidence that anything like it happened. Sure, we only know OP’s side of the story but we can’t simply add random events to it to make it more balanced and then pass judgment as if this were the true story.

Don’t be so naive.

Naive about what? I’ve read every post from the OP - that I identify as the OP. I then read the responses, many are thoughtful but many of them full of accusations about what “must have” happened and/or OP not being honest or OP is a “vampire”. It’s sort of nuts.

Then there are the posters who say OP is a terrible toxic person and then people like the poster above - OP is a doormat for not seeking revenge. What?

Cool. If you want to believe that OP isn't exaggerating or leaving out key facts, which happens allll the time on here, that's your choice. Others can see what's not being said (what did she "yell" exactly?) and can read between the lines when presented with one biased side of a story. And this was all over a legal problem that could have been solved by OP making a few phone calls. Why would someone blow up their family over not taking initiative to make a phone call? Kind of weird.