Having a hard time coping with being cut out of my sibling's life

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she is the narcissist and gaslighting to make herself the victim. Textbook narc behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you that they sound toxic. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree though. You too are part of the toxicity; you have to be. If you want it to change, remove yourself, heal, set boundaries, then re-engage in a drama free sort of way.

And your story is incomplete, confusing, and accusatory. This tells me that you are trying to paint a certain picture, but are leaving out your part in the drama. You are hurt. I get that. You probably did some hurting to your family too.

It’s entirely possible that I’m toxic and something I continually explore and try to investigate and improve upon through therapy, among other things. In terms of the bolded, I’m the one who was removed and I’m in search of healing. Four years later and I’m still devastated and struggling to come to terms with being cut off. It makes me want to retreat from the rest of the family, which I realize isn’t fair or rational; it’s just my instinct. Easter has surfaced a lot of these feelings anew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like she is the narcissist and gaslighting to make herself the victim. Textbook narc behavior.

Hey, I’m the OP. I’m not a narcissist - plenty of imperfections but that’s not one of them. And yes, I’m this particular instance, I do feel like the victim. Regardless, I’m certainly appreciative of your perspective that I’m not.

[Anonymous]

This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

*sibling not sinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

That's just now how these things works. It's not like a recommendation for a plumber. If you have a crisis you need to act fast, ask multiple people for referrals, do your own research, you have to look out for yourself as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like she is the narcissist and gaslighting to make herself the victim. Textbook narc behavior.

Hey, I’m the OP. I’m not a narcissist - plenty of imperfections but that’s not one of them. And yes, I’m this particular instance, I do feel like the victim. Regardless, I’m certainly appreciative of your perspective that I’m not.

Op, this quote from your initial post suggests that your family agrees, at least in part, with the stance your OP has taken.

"I resent that family there is staying with people who were so cruel to me and that members of my family continue to be so inclusive to my sibling when I am continually shut out of family events because my sibling is invited and makes clear they don't want me there (sibling is not, apparently, joining for Easter)."

It may be good to reflect on that. Perhaps you are not as blameless as you believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like she is the narcissist and gaslighting to make herself the victim. Textbook narc behavior.

Hey, I’m the OP. I’m not a narcissist - plenty of imperfections but that’s not one of them. And yes, I’m this particular instance, I do feel like the victim. Regardless, I’m certainly appreciative of your perspective that I’m not.

Op, this quote from your initial post suggests that your family agrees, at least in part, with the stance your OP has taken.

"I resent that family there is staying with people who were so cruel to me and that members of my family continue to be so inclusive to my sibling when I am continually shut out of family events because my sibling is invited and makes clear they don't want me there (sibling is not, apparently, joining for Easter)."

It may be good to reflect on that. Perhaps you are not as blameless as you believe.

Open to that and acknowledge my imperfections. As for my family shutting me out of events, they do so at the insistence of my sibling who does not want me included in events and/or threatens - apparently - not to join events if I'm invited. I make no such requests, by the way. Not sure that is an indictment of me or not but will reflect on that further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

That's just now how these things works. It's not like a recommendation for a plumber. If you have a crisis you need to act fast, ask multiple people for referrals, do your own research, you have to look out for yourself as an adult.

I hear you and I certainly regret not being more proactive. I was stunned by the crisis and was grateful for the help. It taught me a lesson that I quite literally paid dearly for. And for me, I don't offer help unless I can follow through and/or communicate if I can't deliver the help I promised. With that, the fact that my sibling didn't simply come to me and say that attorney friend couldn't / wouldn't assist is a mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

That's just now how these things works. It's not like a recommendation for a plumber. If you have a crisis you need to act fast, ask multiple people for referrals, do your own research, you have to look out for yourself as an adult.

I hear you and I certainly regret not being more proactive. I was stunned by the crisis and was grateful for the help. It taught me a lesson that I quite literally paid dearly for. And for me, I don't offer help unless I can follow through and/or communicate if I can't deliver the help I promised. With that, the fact that my sibling didn't simply come to me and say that attorney friend couldn't / wouldn't assist is a mystery.

People are flaky. When someone says they can help, or "have a guy" more often than not they aren't going to follow through on that, even family. It's nice if they do, but I wouldn't sit back and wait for the help to come pouring in. If this was a serious legal issue you would probably want to go with a trusted name, someone successful in that area of expertise, not just some rando your sibling knows. Same for any serious medical issues. This situation called for more proaction, which obviously now you are aware. But, again, what exactly did you say or do after this didn't pan out the way you wanted? You must have seriously offended and insulted your sibling over something that was a crisis on your end, not theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not your siblings fault. You should have secured an attorney in the meantime, just in case, and you could have switched if your sibling pulled through. But, come on, you dropped the ball and twiddled your thumbs in the midst of your own emergency.

Perhaps. And I regret not getting an attorney right away. I took my sinking at their word and was afraid to seek another attorney after sinking became angry with me for being impatient. I didn’t want them to be angry. Of course now I see the irony of that and regret it deeply.

That's just now how these things works. It's not like a recommendation for a plumber. If you have a crisis you need to act fast, ask multiple people for referrals, do your own research, you have to look out for yourself as an adult.

I hear you and I certainly regret not being more proactive. I was stunned by the crisis and was grateful for the help. It taught me a lesson that I quite literally paid dearly for. And for me, I don't offer help unless I can follow through and/or communicate if I can't deliver the help I promised. With that, the fact that my sibling didn't simply come to me and say that attorney friend couldn't / wouldn't assist is a mystery.

People are flaky. When someone says they can help, or "have a guy" more often than not they aren't going to follow through on that, even family. It's nice if they do, but I wouldn't sit back and wait for the help to come pouring in. If this was a serious legal issue you would probably want to go with a trusted name, someone successful in that area of expertise, not just some rando your sibling knows. Same for any serious medical issues. This situation called for more proaction, which obviously now you are aware. But, again, what exactly did you say or do after this didn't pan out the way you wanted? You must have seriously offended and insulted your sibling over something that was a crisis on your end, not theirs.

This wasn't a "rando" - to the contrary. This attorney friend is well-regarded. Again, the offer was one the sibling made and I could have and would have paid for counsel. My expectation wasn't free legal advice. Again, would do it differently next time.

When my sibling announced that attorney friend said "it's not a thing" - advice that isn't accurate or credible - and time had run out for more substantive advice, I was upset yes. I asked my sibling why they didn't say something earlier if they weren't able to get more substantive guidance. Yes, I was upset, I was in tears and exhausted from a two-week period that was incredibly stressful. My sibling also knew what was at stake - one of the reasons they offered to assist initially.

To your point that it was a crisis on my end, yes it was. My sibling offered to help - I didn't ask for help initially. If the roles were reversed, I would want to help my sibling in a time of crisis. While my sibling doesn't owe me anything, I've also been there for them during numerous crises in their lives. I rarely - if ever - ask for help from them.

[Anonymous]

I suspect this was not the first time you drew family into your problems and then create/caused drama when they did not rescue you? Sibling may have just had enough and set up healthy limits for themselves. Everyone makes mistakes, and we can learn from them. You could take this Easter invitation as a new start - be warm and kind, if appropriate say you’re sorry for any issues you caused in the past and then - shut up about it. Will take time, but family estrangement can be resolved if both sides accept boundary limits and don’t push too hard. Don’t ask them to rescue you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a rough situation. I feel for you OP. I agree with a previous poster who said don’t cut off the rest of the family. Try to get through one more year as drama free as possible. Maybe things will improve. Your sibling sounds petty and immature. Try to build a supportive community of friends. You don’t have to be that close to your family. Seeing them once in a while is ok.

[Anonymous]

Easter is a time of renewal, and I hope you can use this season to try to move past what seems to be a very distressing incident for all involved. As others have said, it’s impossible for us all to judge what happened because I’m sure it involved personalities and interactions among you both that predated this one lawyer incident. I would argue though that our read of the exact reason for your brother’s cutting you off really doesn’t matter - it’s about how you move forward.

It’s not fair of you to ask your family to take sides in this sibling squabble. It’s not fair for you to judge them for maintaining relationships with the both of you. They love you both.

Go to the gathering, refrain from adding to the drama, and allow some time to pass for healing.

Forgive yourself and move forward.

If you feel you have actions you need to make amends for, then apologize, but recognize that may not bring your sibling back into your life - and it may not be healthiest for your sibling to return to your life, frankly. You can make amends, say the words you feel you should say for your conscience to clear (if that’s the case), and yet also recognize that the two of you have an unhealthy dynamic and distance may be best.