Reply to Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, can your MIL handle your DD solo for a few hours every weekend? That way, you and DH both get solo time at once, and the rest of the weekend you spend together as a family? I agree solo time is important, but when both parents work FT, there is not a lot of quality time during the week, so weekends are precious.

I also don’t think your solo time should be spent on home organization or grocery shopping or working. Do the errands together, the three of you. And keep weekends free of work (or alternatively designate 3 weeknights to keep free of work). Spend your solo time in r&r mode.[/quote]

I said the same as above. Look around the grocery store and Target on a Saturday morning, it's all kids with their parents. Why waste your time alone doing what could be done with the kid. My kids all loved going to Target, by the way. And do grocery delivery. Order school crap from Amazon. This doesn't have to be as hard as OP is making it out to be. But she really seems to want to maximize the victimhood. Her precious Saturday morning time is being squandered this way.[/quote]

So let dad take over the shopping and child errands and take his daughter shopping with him. Done.[/quote]

Sure why not. But op probably realizes she already gets the better shift maybe she thought it was the right thing to do. The morning person has a longer day. There are other ways to get the chores done so it’s weird that op wastes her “me” time doing them. Get the groceries delivered, Amazon, but she is a glutton for punishment and takes the hard road. None of this makes a lot of sense.[/quote]

I agree and wonder if this is a troll? If not it is really sad, for all 3 of them.

OP, your anger will not vanish when you file for divorce, I don't think. I don't think the current situation is sustainable, one or both of you is an affair waiting to happen but I think the same feelings will be there even after the split. You said you think so too.

Can you table the issues re: your obligations and try to go back in your history to find some of the roots of the rage and some of the patterns that are being replicated? Maybe journal or find a support group or a CBT or DBT therapist that will help you regulate some of your reactivity? Maybe a meditation practice and a book like Wherever You Go, There You Are?

There have been a few questions about your childhood experiences but your posts are just about DH and everyday obligations and chores. What makes you feel connected to yourself and others? What gives you joy? When do you laugh? You seem to have a very Calvinist approach to life yet it makes you miserable, yet you do not adopt other common approaches. It's a bit confusing. If you did outsource so the "burdens" would be gone, what would your identity be? Where would the anxiety focus then? If there was a cleaning service, a weekend babysitter, Amazon and grocery delivery? Are there any times that you are not "achieving" - cleaning, running errands that are optional, exercising, enriching kid, etc? What did you and DH do for dates before you were married?

You did not mention friends, family traditions, time with neighbors, etc. Chores, $ and power struggles seems to occupy so much of your sense of self and your time, when you could outsource and are financially stable. Did your family have issues around money? You mention DH losing one job, common, but now you don't trust him to be employed? There is a lot of anxiety around a lot of issues, a lot of time alone ruminating, all of that stokes the anger. But, if God forbid, DH's plane crashed, would you still rage about having to keep the house afloat financially and carry the insurance? Most of us take those things for granted, the weight and resentment you put on them speak to core wounds. Cutting DH loose is not going to resolve any of that, you need to do that introspection and processing.

[/quote]

Dh asked for the morning shift.

I come from supportive parents, who are still married. My dad was definitely involved and very caring, hands on. My mom was also extremely hands on, and very much a martyr. Interestingly, my mom out earned my dad their entitled marriage.

I love to read, travel, I try occasionally to get to a sat am Zumba type class, and I take my dd often to diff museums and parks during our solo time.

When dh is not here, I often feel more alive. I without question feel a peace and calm come over me. From his energy to literally not picking up after him- I feel like a better version of myself. And that’s a lot to type out but I am being honest.
[/quote]

Read Codependent No More.

Get to counseling and hold him accountable to some chores, let the rest go. You need to learn to mentally detach. You have taken on the martyr role you saw modeled. [/quote]

OP, do you socialize with other couples, and/or other families? It seems like you are alone a lot and in your head or one on one with a toddler. Instead of having social connections with others you ruminate. Do you have families over so the kids can play? Go to other people's houses to get a sense of more cohesive, loving family styles?

You are going to find ways to continue this pattern of externalizing your anxiety and deriving a sense of self from righteousness and power struggles even when DH is long gone. For some that is a big dopamine hit pattern. I predict a very difficult relationship with your daughter, between your toxic home which you are 50% responsible for and the looming divorce, she will NOT have had a happy childhood. Museums matter little in comparison to that. You will just apply this template until you change it. Do you have close friends? Get along well with people at work? You are 100% responsible for your reactions, they are choices.

Your DH is not great but he is not so dissimilar to many and not everyone chooses this War of the Roses life. Your kid is watching all of this and is not feeling cherished, happy, relaxed. With the same DH, you could choose to provide her with that type of home but it's all a zero sum game to you, it seems. No care about her emotional well being at all. What attracted you to DH? Why did you have a child with him? You are hurting your kid with your behavior and you don't even want to shift your focus off being a martyr for a minute to contemplate that. Your mom must be some piece of work. [/quote]

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