Reply to Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that you have to set clear expectations and boundaries with a spouse who doesn’t proactively parent and would leave the work to you unless you said something.

There is a lot of pressure for women to pick up the slack and take on more work at home to keep the peace. It’s entirely fair to request an even distribution of labor at home and to not want to be taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t think real concerns over consistent inequalities with division of labor should be reduced to “tantrums” or “bean counting”. Flexibility is so important but both partners need to be offering it and it shouldn’t result in one partner continuously taking on the bulk of the work. That’s a pattern of behavior and it only leads to resentment and frustration [/quote]

Op here. This. He doesn’t proactively parent. Or proactively do things around the house. If I don’t ask him to do things, he’s satisfied to sit and either catch up on work or watch tv. Then he grumbles or half asses the task.

Recent example/ I asked him to please put away the dish towels as I folded laundry. He put them on top of
The stove. Not in the drawer  next to the stove. Jsut on top of the stove. Go ahead and flame me All you want but the weaponized incompetence and “I’ll don’t best she will do the rest” attitude is GRATING.  It makes me feel taken advantage of and used. And that he feels his time is so much more important that he can’t be bothered. I wanted a partner out of marriage. Not an intern waiting for assignments. At least an intern would do things more than half assed.[/quote]

Please get marriage therapy or your intense focus on details will kill you and his inabilty to focus on details will kill him.

If you've already tried therapy and want to dismiss the idea "because it didn't work," either try again or admit you are both failures are being married because your expections and his expectations are so ill-matched and because you both communicate horribly. And you both are focused on minutiae and keeping score and both have to be right, right, right.

Find a new couples therapist and commit to therapy (and to letting the towels thing just GO) if you want to stay married. I don't actually know why you married each other in the first place. Did you ever love each other? Why do your score-keeping parenting and household chores destroy whatever positives you saw in each other? [/quote]

I don’t disagree with any of this. It’s hard to not keep score and “bean count” when I look around and can’t figure out what he contributes to make life run easier smoother etc. I don’t see what positives he adds to my life, much of the time. I don’t need him for finances, and it’s not like he is leading the charge re parenting or the home. It’s hard to think of wiping the slate clean.

I was busting my ass working saving money while pregnant and he refused to get out there and try to make more money. I am so resentful for that. I begged him to take a non passion project job to pad our accounts for preparation for baby. I felt like I was thinking about what was best for us and our growing family, and he was only thinking about him.  That still feels true today. I don’t know how to just wipe that resentment away. Especially when it keeps Manifesting in different forms[/quote]

I understand why you feel resentful. You are in a partnership where you carry a lot more of the burden.

BUT . . . you're the one drinking the poison of that resentment. This is one of those situations where you need to change the things you can and then accept the things you can't change or choose not to change. Basically your choices are:

a) maintain the status quo, where you feel resentment and are unhappy
b) learn to focus on the positives and accept your husband's shortcomings
c) decide there's too little good/too much bad and divorce

You're stuck in A, which is the worst option of the 3. Move on to considering B and C.

Some people get stuck being martyrs. They seem to be fueled by the (avoidable, often self-inflicted) injustice they find themselves in. Who are they if they're not complaining about someone who did them wrong? I think if you spent some time in therapy or even just serious self-reflection, you'd come to understand what you get out of being a martyr.

You're clearly a very successful person, and I think you can draw on that to take ownership of your choices. If you're going to stay married, then you can stew in resentment and negativity, or not. It's an actual choice that you have. The injustice of not having a better spouse is not going to change (though I suspect if you got out of this negative cycle, you'd find that your perspective of him would improve and his contributions might as well). It's unfair, it's not what you expected or deserve, etc etc. But it is your reality. And choosing resentment over acceptance or divorce is harming you most of all. I hope you'll find a way to stop drinking that poison.[/quote]

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