Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the state medicaid does not pay for in home care. In MD, it does not and only pays for a nursing home and its income qualified. She is right that Dad should consider taking a leave of absence or retiring. Where do you expect your wife to do all this? You are putting it all on her and you need to step up and help. She is working full time and has her own kids. You don't help much it sounds like. They can hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom.

It isn't sister owes mom care. Her mom choose to care for her grandkids and good for her. But, if both women are working full time its not realistic and they need to hire in care or Dad/husband needs to take care of her or something needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

That is what the wife eventually did. Found the best solution. Just remember, you are not always the best solution, though you would probably hate to know that.

And being left alone at home for 4 hours at a time every weekday is not safe for this MIL. Team Wife for being willing to call BS on the rest of the family's delusions.

Again. This is FIL's life and this is Op and his sisters' mom that we are talking about. There is a grieving process going on here and it can take a little time for a family to accept what is happening to their loved one. I remember the day we place dad in a locked Alzheimer's ward. It was horrible, sad but also something that I knew needed to be done. We knew at that point that there was no choice.

You have to be a little bit patient with people. This is not a "case" to them, this is a much beloved family member.

so when did the sister start posting on here?

OP needs to back his wife and make his sister accountable. OP's wife is the one who has finally come up with a resolution in all of this mess. What is OP's sister doing? OP needs to understand how this is going to mentally affect his relationship with his wife. He has not done right by her.

You have clearly never gone through anything like this in your family but I actually have. Losing a 60 something, formerly capable parent to early onset Alzheimer's is horrifying and not something that you just all of a sudden know how to handle. By the time they get diagnosed with it, they are having significant issues. You try meds at first to see if the progression can be slowed down. But they keep on deteriorating anyway....I can not imagine going up to a man who is losing his wife and the mother of children in such a horrific way and telling him to speed up the decision process buddy, the Nanny ain't cheap!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

And her ILs ignored her (and her kids) when she had postpartum depression. The wife’s parents are dead and her ILs have shown her they don’t care about her. Of course she doesn’t want to overextend herself to provide care in a situation like this. Especially when the OP’s plan is to overextend their family so his sister doesn’t have to lift a finger. And OP wants her to agree to do this for TWO YEARS!

No, no, no. And hell NO!

She clearly resents the f*** out of Op's family and she is not the person who should be called on to help. We get it. Poor, poor, poooor her.

Say what? Where’s all this anger coming from? Why is it okay for this woman’s daughter to say “I can’t help.” But somehow the Daughter-in-law is an evil shrew for saying the same?

Project much?

Really. The responses from that other poster, likely a troll just like op, are so over the top hateful and specific and sexist to boot that this can't be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom.

It isn't sister owes mom care. Her mom choose to care for her grandkids and good for her. But, if both women are working full time its not realistic and they need to hire in care or Dad/husband needs to take care of her or something needs to change.

Just for the record in case people are confused, it is not a SAHM's job to provide free eldercare for all of the elderly and infirm people in their family. I know some who so wish it were so though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Again your wife does everything. You suck. Admit it you're a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

The aggravation involved Op's wife trying to prevent her husband from helping out his own parents because she was embittered about some childcare that MIL did for SIL some time ago. The whole thing sounded petty and extremely spiteful which is why she got called out for it.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom.

It isn't sister owes mom care. Her mom choose to care for her grandkids and good for her. But, if both women are working full time its not realistic and they need to hire in care or Dad/husband needs to take care of her or something needs to change.

Just for the record in case people are confused, it is not a SAHM's job to provide free eldercare for all of the elderly and infirm people in their family. I know some who so wish it were so though.

No, it's not anybody's job to provide free eldercare. It sounds like all the players in this situation are working. Hopefully Dad can figure out how to make it work; paying a nanny and driving 2+ hours regularly to "check on" Mom is a horrible waste of time and money. Whatever Wife's beef with Sister and Mom, Wife was right to shoot down this plan as unworkable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I saw your update and I’m glad your wife was able to help your dad find a solution.

I do think it’s telling that your dad had vacation time that he could use as well FMLA and you were hung up on forcing your wife to accept the most unreasonable solution of all. Your title says your wife doesn’t want to pitch in, but you neglected to mention she was willing to go help on weekends. She was just unwilling to make a daily 2hour drive after work, when you have young kids at home. That’s completely reasonable.

I think you need to be very aware that when it comes to your family, you are not objective. You were willing to throw your wife under the bus and assign the worst motives to her objections. Be very careful going forward. Your wife is on your side but you’re going to destroy your relationship if you keep doubting her and painting her as the villain. Maybe she won’t divorce you right away, but your marriage will be over.

I agree. OP's plan was completely unsustainable, which many people pointed out. And his dad had vacation time and FMLA? And no one had through to look into Medicaid or other benefits?

In the meantime, the wife WAS willing to "pitch in," just not by requiring her kids to spend 11+ hours a day with the nanny and spending $10K/year extra so OP could spend 30 minutes with his mom a few times a week, which was clearly inadequate to the situation. OP framed it entirely in terms of his wife's resentment, when she might just have been practical. And was completely willing to accept his sister's choice, but was upset about his wife's perfectly justifiable objections. This is a terrible dynamic. She wasn't "refusing to pitch in," she just didn't want to do it this one way.

And so many people jumped on the wife as some kind of heartless money-grubbing villain, when apparently his wife is pretty level-headed and he and his dad and his sister were just being short-sighted and not considering all the options.

Nope. Just one troll who started this thread and is playing both parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Great, where do we send your award?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom.

It isn't sister owes mom care. Her mom choose to care for her grandkids and good for her. But, if both women are working full time its not realistic and they need to hire in care or Dad/husband needs to take care of her or something needs to change.

Just for the record in case people are confused, it is not a SAHM's job to provide free eldercare for all of the elderly and infirm people in their family. I know some who so wish it were so though.

No, it's not anybody's job to provide free eldercare. It sounds like all the players in this situation are working. Hopefully Dad can figure out how to make it work; paying a nanny and driving 2+ hours regularly to "check on" Mom is a horrible waste of time and money. Whatever Wife's beef with Sister and Mom, Wife was right to shoot down this plan as unworkable.

eh, it's probably still going to be needed. No it is not a long term plan but Op and his sister have to help Dad find a good place for their mom. They are going to spend time with Dad over the next couple of months, there really is no avoiding that. They'll be visiting Mom in the nursing home and spending time with their dad who now lives alone. It's a process. Unless you've gone through it, you have no idea. I hope Op's wife can be patient and realize that her husband needs to do for his parents now. The crisis will pass and there will eventually be a new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

The aggravation involved Op's wife trying to prevent her husband from helping out his own parents because she was embittered about some childcare that MIL did for SIL some time ago. The whole thing sounded petty and extremely spiteful which is why she got called out for it.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

Nah. We know who the shrew is here.

These are people who take advantage of other people including the husband who treats his wife like a day laborer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np - not being snarky but I thought it’s not that easy to quality for Medicaid and that they don’t pay for in home care. How will the mom qualify when dad is still working and when he retires will receive a pension?

+1000