Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

My mother has multiple chronic illnesses and it’s been recommended that she not be left alone for more than four hours at a time. She needs someone to check in on her, make sure she’s taken her meds and has eaten.

My Dad is still working, he’s 63 and has 2 years left until he can retire. If he took a retirement now he would take a cut of his pension.

This means it’s up to either my sister or I to check in on our mother. My dad can’t afford to take an early retirement or leave work early because of their mounting medical bills.

My mom took care of my sisters children for 10+ years so they never had to be put in daycare. My wife is "putting her foot down" and refusing to increase the costs we are paying for our after school nanny to adjust our work schedules to check in on my mom. Basically someone needs to check in on my mom at 12 and 4. My dad gets off work at 4 but my mom starts to sundown by that time and gets agitated. My dad checks in on her on his lunch break but he can’t always be there at 4 so he has asked me and my sister to do so.

My wife is saying this is my sisters responsibility. She holds a grudge against my sister because she always felt my sister was taking advantage of our mother. I don’t disagree with this. My mom basically raised my sisters kids.

Except my sister says they can’t adjust their work schedules 5 days/week to check in on mom. She has offered to do 1 or 2 days/week but my wife says they should be taking care of my mom now that my mom took care of their children for 10 years.

If we did 3 days/week, we would have to change our hours at work at either start earlier or pay our after school care an extra hour or two, 3 days/week. My wife refuses to absorb the cost. I understand her anger, but feels it’s misplaced. Now is not the time to "stick it to my sister", it’s about my mom.

We did not receive any help from my family when my wife went through a difficult pregnancy and childbirth/post partum. My wife’s parents are deceased and we didn’t have any help or support in raising our children in the way my sister has. My wife has always been vocally critical of my sister. My sister has now checked out and has never understood the gravity of our mothers health. Im caught in the middle.

[Anonymous]

How about you and your sister pitch in to have a home health aide check in on her during those times?

[Anonymous]

How far does your mother live from you? Could you take time off work to check in on her twice a week?

[Anonymous]

I'm team wife on this one. I'm the sibling who has been helping much of DH's family, and at some point I would expect others to step in as well. Your wife should not be brought into this discussion - it's really between your sister, you and your Dad.

[Anonymous]

IF $ is the issue, can your sister help with the costs?

[Anonymous]

I’m with your wife on this, too. This is not for her to solve.

[Anonymous]

Would they qualify for free health aide visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm team wife on this one. I'm the sibling who has been helping much of DH's family, and at some point I would expect others to step in as well. Your wife should not be brought into this discussion - it's really between your sister, you and your Dad.

+1. This is not your wife's responsibility. This belongs to you, your sister, and your dad.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I don't see why you guys should be redirecting funds that could go to your own retirement so that your FIL can have a higher pension.

I'm also confused - where do you live? Is there no covid there? If you are going into work and not quaranting, you should not be around your sick and elderly mother. It's better to let her sundown for an hour or so than it is to expose her to covid.

[Anonymous]

You and your sister need to figure this out. This is not on your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm team wife on this one. I'm the sibling who has been helping much of DH's family, and at some point I would expect others to step in as well. Your wife should not be brought into this discussion - it's really between your sister, you and your Dad.

+1. This is not your wife's responsibility. This belongs to you, your sister, and your dad.

+2

OP it is not your wife's responsibility to take care of your mother. You guys hire someone if you can't deal with it between you, your sister, and your dad. I say this as someone who has dealt with the health decline and death of my own two parents.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire help. It's absolutely your sister's responsibility but she's not stepping up. Get a home health aide to stop by for 30 minutes 3xs/week and have a serious conversation with your dad about what this means to you - you are making a financial sacrifice and impacting your marriage to be the only decent child they have. If your dad isn't going to retire for another 3 years, minimum, and your mom cannot be left alone, then you need a longer-term solution.

[Anonymous]

"Pitch in" is a red flag here. That's the language of devaluing someone's labor. What you really mean is that your wife refuses to leave work twice a week to do something for free for you. Lots of bosses like to ask people to 'pitch in' by staying late, working weekends, etc. The phrase "pitch in" is usually used by people who are used to being in charge, who like to boss others around, and who don't actually think of other people's wants and needs as being as important as their own.

[Anonymous]

It's pathetic how you talk about how your sister and wife should care for your mom. WHAT ABOUT YOU? She's YOUR mother. YOU go take care of her.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your sister asking her husband to help or is your wife the only IL who's expected to pitch in?