Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np - not being snarky but I thought it’s not that easy to quality for Medicaid and that they don’t pay for in home care. How will the mom qualify when dad is still working and when he retires will receive a pension?

OP's mom is disabled. If you're already on SS disability I think Medicaid is automatic, you don't have to qualify through poverty. I could be wrong but that's my understanding.

That would be awesome if true.

[Anonymous]

I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

The reality is that it never works this way. Usually when a parent is helping out an adult child in a heavy duty way, that dynamic doesn't suddenly and miraculously reverse when it comes time for the parent to need care. Maybe that's the way that things are supposed to be but the reality is...no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

His wife is working full time. She has young kids as well. Op is not offering to help. He is demanding his wife do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

The reality is that it never works this way. Usually when a parent is helping out an adult child in a heavy duty way, that dynamic doesn't suddenly and miraculously reverse when it comes time for the parent to need care. Maybe that's the way that things are supposed to be but the reality is...no.

Truth. Both the parents and OP and his wife have had to help the sister over the years - she's unstable and in a bad marriage. And now that the parents need help, it falls on OP and his wife yet again, while the sister says she can maybe help for a day or two. The resentment is understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np - not being snarky but I thought it’s not that easy to quality for Medicaid and that they don’t pay for in home care. How will the mom qualify when dad is still working and when he retires will receive a pension?

This is a very good question because unless the laws have changed A LOT, qualifying for Medicaid is not so easy peasy. It certainly wasn't back when my Mom was dealing with it.

Dad is working, they have money. She will not qualify for Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

NOPE, DO NOT EVER OFFER HELP.

Visits -yes, help - no and yes, I am screaming it at you. Because it will quickly escalate and you can not help at this stage. Your mom is in decline and needs trained caregivers.
I watched a couple colleagues from a far go through this with their parents and the moms were the ones in decline and the dads refused to put them in a home. One coworker eventually got fired because he just couldn't keep up. The other coworker ended up having a heart attack. Even after that the dad still insisted he come and help. He didn't thank goodness.

Your dad is still working so presumably is intelligent and could easily have determined what choices he needs to make and how to make them. He didn't need your wife to do so. He just didn't want to.

Do yourself and your family a favor, do nothing else for your dad. Visit your mom but don't offer to help. Don't offer to find resources. Nothing. Let him burn himself out. It's the only way he will accept the inevitable. Only help when he is willing to do the right thing - get full time care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

The reality is that it never works this way. Usually when a parent is helping out an adult child in a heavy duty way, that dynamic doesn't suddenly and miraculously reverse when it comes time for the parent to need care. Maybe that's the way that things are supposed to be but the reality is...no.

Truth. Both the parents and OP and his wife have had to help the sister over the years - she's unstable and in a bad marriage. And now that the parents need help, it falls on OP and his wife yet again, while the sister says she can maybe help for a day or two. The resentment is understandable.

The thing that I'm picking up on though is the resentment that Op and his wife have over MIL watching the sister's children, but also the fact that Op/his wife now view the sister as well off and therefore able to do X, Y, Z. This is the part that makes me wonder a bit about Op's version of this whole thing. It is also the part that makes me think that Op needs to work on being more straightforward with his sister and not keeping her out of the decision making process. There is some seething jealousy beneath the surface here and it makes me wonder if Op and his wife are not as well established as they claim to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team wife 100%. My husband's family always helped his sister and never us because I had a better job than she did, even though I went through two high risk pregnancies. You reap what you sow.

We went through a similar situation, as my DH's family didn't want to have anything to do with us, but were always helping his sister and her lazy husband. Free child care, etc. We didn't care in the least because we liked being self sufficient. It was just a kick in the teeth when my FIL was sick for months after a double knee replacement gone bad and my husband stepped up and was at his bedside every damn day for months (with a new baby at home no less), because he loved his father and wanted to help. The kick in the teeth came when he passed away soon after and the sister was named executor and told my husband that their father left everything to her because he said SHE was the only one that helped their father when their mother died. In truth, she had an attic apartment that she let him move in to and charged him rent to live in.

It took my husband years to get over the hurt. Didn't care about the money....just the hurt he felt until I could convince him that there is no way his father didn't appreciate all the time he took with him and all the care he showed him in his last few months of life.


Just out of curiosity, though, I still wish I could have seen a copy of the will. She was sneaky in the way this was handled and it always made me wonder. She sent me a copy of the death certificate as she said we would need it for the life insurance claim, and she also made it a point to one day say she was coming over with a check from the life insurance policy. When she got here, she pulled my husband aside and told him that she "decided" to keep all the money for herself as their father wanted her to have it all. Something didn't add up and my husband was too passive to question it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

That is what the wife eventually did. Found the best solution. Just remember, you are not always the best solution, though you would probably hate to know that.

And being left alone at home for 4 hours at a time every weekday is not safe for this MIL. Team Wife for being willing to call BS on the rest of the family's delusions.

Again. This is FIL's life and this is Op and his sisters' mom that we are talking about. There is a grieving process going on here and it can take a little time for a family to accept what is happening to their loved one. I remember the day we place dad in a locked Alzheimer's ward. It was horrible, sad but also something that I knew needed to be done. We knew at that point that there was no choice.

You have to be a little bit patient with people. This is not a "case" to them, this is a much beloved family member.

so when did the sister start posting on here?

OP needs to back his wife and make his sister accountable. OP's wife is the one who has finally come up with a resolution in all of this mess. What is OP's sister doing? OP needs to understand how this is going to mentally affect his relationship with his wife. He has not done right by her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I saw your update and I’m glad your wife was able to help your dad find a solution.

I do think it’s telling that your dad had vacation time that he could use as well FMLA and you were hung up on forcing your wife to accept the most unreasonable solution of all. Your title says your wife doesn’t want to pitch in, but you neglected to mention she was willing to go help on weekends. She was just unwilling to make a daily 2hour drive after work, when you have young kids at home. That’s completely reasonable.

I think you need to be very aware that when it comes to your family, you are not objective. You were willing to throw your wife under the bus and assign the worst motives to her objections. Be very careful going forward. Your wife is on your side but you’re going to destroy your relationship if you keep doubting her and painting her as the villain. Maybe she won’t divorce you right away, but your marriage will be over.

This. I hope what transpired in this situation is not reflective of how you generally treat your wife, OP.

But your wife some flowers, OP.
Seriously. You need to do something to show her you appreciate her. This is a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

No. She doesn't. Providing free eldercare to a dementia patient would be hell on earth for most people. That is precisely why FIL's children should both step up and help him sort all of this out.

Choosing to help out your own daughter by providing childcare for your grandchildren is not the same thing as agreeing to change your mother's Depends. And no mother in their right mind would ever expect such a trade.