Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom.

It isn't sister owes mom care. Her mom choose to care for her grandkids and good for her. But, if both women are working full time its not realistic and they need to hire in care or Dad/husband needs to take care of her or something needs to change.

Just for the record in case people are confused, it is not a SAHM's job to provide free eldercare for all of the elderly and infirm people in their family. I know some who so wish it were so though.

No, it's not anybody's job to provide free eldercare. It sounds like all the players in this situation are working. Hopefully Dad can figure out how to make it work; paying a nanny and driving 2+ hours regularly to "check on" Mom is a horrible waste of time and money. Whatever Wife's beef with Sister and Mom, Wife was right to shoot down this plan as unworkable.

eh, it's probably still going to be needed. No it is not a long term plan but Op and his sister have to help Dad find a good place for their mom. They are going to spend time with Dad over the next couple of months, there really is no avoiding that. They'll be visiting Mom in the nursing home and spending time with their dad who now lives alone. It's a process. Unless you've gone through it, you have no idea. I hope Op's wife can be patient and realize that her husband needs to do for his parents now. The crisis will pass and there will eventually be a new normal.

You are mistaken. I absolutely have been through this and my parents are still alive, so our situation is ongoing, though stable. Driving an hour to visit your Mom, bring the family dinner, give Dad a break, replace the light bulbs and cheer everyone up is absolutely necessary. Visiting nursing homes with Dad to help him evaluate- absolutely.

Driving two hours just to check on Mom for 20 minutes while paying extra for a babysitter and dinner still needs to be cooked at home doesn't do anything except make sure that Mom is still alive. It is a terrible use of resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

The aggravation involved Op's wife trying to prevent her husband from helping out his own parents because she was embittered about some childcare that MIL did for SIL some time ago. The whole thing sounded petty and extremely spiteful which is why she got called out for it.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

Nah. We know who the shrew is here.

These are people who take advantage of other people including the husband who treats his wife like a day laborer.

Yeah, I think that Op was making both his wife and his sister appear like unhelpful jerks when the reality is that they are the only ones who have actually offered to do anything for Op's dad. No need to stir up drama like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

Agreed. Her mom sacrificed her sunsetting years to allow for her to grow her career and save thousands upon thousands of dollars on child care. Time for her to step it up and go part time if she needs too to help support mom.

It isn't sister owes mom care. Her mom choose to care for her grandkids and good for her. But, if both women are working full time its not realistic and they need to hire in care or Dad/husband needs to take care of her or something needs to change.

Just for the record in case people are confused, it is not a SAHM's job to provide free eldercare for all of the elderly and infirm people in their family. I know some who so wish it were so though.

No, it's not anybody's job to provide free eldercare. It sounds like all the players in this situation are working. Hopefully Dad can figure out how to make it work; paying a nanny and driving 2+ hours regularly to "check on" Mom is a horrible waste of time and money. Whatever Wife's beef with Sister and Mom, Wife was right to shoot down this plan as unworkable.

eh, it's probably still going to be needed. No it is not a long term plan but Op and his sister have to help Dad find a good place for their mom. They are going to spend time with Dad over the next couple of months, there really is no avoiding that. They'll be visiting Mom in the nursing home and spending time with their dad who now lives alone. It's a process. Unless you've gone through it, you have no idea. I hope Op's wife can be patient and realize that her husband needs to do for his parents now. The crisis will pass and there will eventually be a new normal.

You are mistaken. I absolutely have been through this and my parents are still alive, so our situation is ongoing, though stable. Driving an hour to visit your Mom, bring the family dinner, give Dad a break, replace the light bulbs and cheer everyone up is absolutely necessary. Visiting nursing homes with Dad to help him evaluate- absolutely.

Driving two hours just to check on Mom for 20 minutes while paying extra for a babysitter and dinner still needs to be cooked at home doesn't do anything except make sure that Mom is still alive. It is a terrible use of resources.

I am not disagreeing that those checks are not sustainable. But until Mom is actually placed somewhere those checks might be necessary. It's temporary and Op just needs to do what needs to be done until a more permanent placement is made.

[Anonymous]

This thread is crazy!
But note that OP is the one who spun the tale of how DW wouldn’t help because she was bitter ... what a guy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Great, where do we send your award?

No award necessary. It’s not award worthy. It simply common decency. We are family. We take care of each other. And beyond that, yes. It’s sexist. Just not in a bad way. Women should take care of each other. We are the ones capable of navigating souls into this earth reality. We are the caregivers. The life givers. The comforters. The true healers. We are stronger than any man could ever be. We should always honor our elders. The OP’s sister sucks. That doesn’t mean OP and his wife have to act the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Great, where do we send your award?

No award necessary. It’s not award worthy. It simply common decency. We are family. We take care of each other. And beyond that, yes. It’s sexist. Just not in a bad way. Women should take care of each other. We are the ones capable of navigating souls into this earth reality. We are the caregivers. The life givers. The comforters. The true healers. We are stronger than any man could ever be. We should always honor our elders. The OP’s sister sucks. That doesn’t mean OP and his wife have to act the same way.

Oh, hell no. I will do what I can to help but do not tell me that it is my job to take on the heavy duty physical care of an old person. You are crazy as a cuckoo if you think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

No. She doesn't. Providing free eldercare to a dementia patient would be hell on earth for most people. That is precisely why FIL's children should both step up and help him sort all of this out.

Choosing to help out your own daughter by providing childcare for your grandchildren is not the same thing as agreeing to change your mother's Depends. And no mother in their right mind would ever expect such a trade.

I love how you completely let the sister off the hook for elder care — and yet you think this woman’s DIL should provide elder care???

Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just re-read the thread. It does sound like there is some resentment on the part of the wife, but at least some of that seems to be justified. I mean, it does seem like the ones who the parents helped the most in previous years (sister and BIL) should ideally leap in to help when things get tough in later years. Especially if the mom didn't work so that she could take care of grandkids and now has no SS benefit. I realize many families don't/can't work that way.

Exactly. It's like OP and his sister (who is now doing well financially) are skipping over this fact that has no doubt contributed to the gravity of this situation in the first place.

If the mother is on disability then she didn't quit working to babysit the grandchildren did she? I think that watching the grandchildren was MIL's choice. Maybe Op didn't agree with his Mom's choice but it was her choice to make and, no, his sister doesn't owe his mom free eldercare now.

Morally, she absolutely does.

No. She doesn't. Providing free eldercare to a dementia patient would be hell on earth for most people. That is precisely why FIL's children should both step up and help him sort all of this out.

Choosing to help out your own daughter by providing childcare for your grandchildren is not the same thing as agreeing to change your mother's Depends. And no mother in their right mind would ever expect such a trade.

I love how you completely let the sister off the hook for elder care — and yet you think this woman’s DIL should provide elder care???

Wow. Just wow.

I never said that the DIL should provide eldercare. I SAID that the DIL had no business preventing her HUSBAND from helping his DAD figure out how to care for his mom. I also said that Op's sister is not MORE responsible for providing help to her parents than Op is simply because MIL babysat the sister's kids at some point in the past. Op is the one asking why his wife and sister weren't doing more...which was ridiculous of him.

But keep on twisting yourself into a knot there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Great, where do we send your award?

No award necessary. It’s not award worthy. It simply common decency. We are family. We take care of each other. And beyond that, yes. It’s sexist. Just not in a bad way. Women should take care of each other. We are the ones capable of navigating souls into this earth reality. We are the caregivers. The life givers. The comforters. The true healers. We are stronger than any man could ever be. We should always honor our elders. The OP’s sister sucks. That doesn’t mean OP and his wife have to act the same way.

DP. Spoken like a person who has yet to live it long term. My FIL had a stroke, required someone with him 24/7. DH is an only child and so we became responsible for him. After 6 months, we were both exhausted even thought we had an aide. After 1.5 years, our marriage broke because of the unrelenting demands and DH was unwilling to have FIL go to a facility. After 2 years, I had developed depression, was on an SSRI and determined my mental health required me to divorce.

It's easy to say you'd do anything necessary until you're required to do it long term.

[Anonymous]

It’s brutal and it breaks families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Great, where do we send your award?

No award necessary. It’s not award worthy. It simply common decency. We are family. We take care of each other. And beyond that, yes. It’s sexist. Just not in a bad way. Women should take care of each other. We are the ones capable of navigating souls into this earth reality. We are the caregivers. The life givers. The comforters. The true healers. We are stronger than any man could ever be. We should always honor our elders. The OP’s sister sucks. That doesn’t mean OP and his wife have to act the same way.

This is such absolute bullshit. You post all this love, healing crap while tearing down any woman who doesn't live to your standard of martyrdom. This is such sexist bullshit that sounds so lovey dovey but is actually used to hold women back. It's the classic bitch/whore garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

You sound like a real wimp. You still stuck your wife into the position of having to solve the problem. If I were her I think I’d be about ready to walk. Your family sounds like nothing but problems and you, OP, seem to give everyone except your wife a pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your sister need to figure this out. This is not on your wife.

If you expect your wife to help your sister should expect her husband to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Great, where do we send your award?

No award necessary. It’s not award worthy. It simply common decency. We are family. We take care of each other. And beyond that, yes. It’s sexist. Just not in a bad way. Women should take care of each other. We are the ones capable of navigating souls into this earth reality. We are the caregivers. The life givers. The comforters. The true healers. We are stronger than any man could ever be. We should always honor our elders. The OP’s sister sucks. That doesn’t mean OP and his wife have to act the same way.

Wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I am just wondering though. When the OP's wife had a difficult pregnancy and post partum issues where was the MIL and SIL to show common decency, be family, take care of each other, be the caregivers and the comforters. Were there any of those things. No, they left her on her own and yet for some reason OP's wife is now expected to be all those things.

If OP's wife needed help with childcare again where was family - oh no where, yes that's right, no help. Yet SIL got all the childcare she needed.

Be thankful you have a great extended family however not everyone does. And OP's wife by the sounds of the update has stood up again when her husband and SIL were too useless to do anything. She definitely deserves an award.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

This is really based in sexism. This is how women are treated in all socioeconomic groups today.

The aggravation involved Op's wife trying to prevent her husband from helping out his own parents because she was embittered about some childcare that MIL did for SIL some time ago. The whole thing sounded petty and extremely spiteful which is why she got called out for it.

As it turns out, the wife may not have been the complete shrew that she first appeared to be.

Except she didn't do those things. She "appeared" to be a shrew because that's how her husband painted her (and because many posters projected a ton of crap onto her). She wouldn't agree to one form of help. Within 24 hours, she had provided advice and agreed to a different form of help. We have only OP's word for it that this was somehow driven by her being "embittered," because his mom provided absolutely no help when she had a difficult pregnancy and childbirth, while providing full-time care for his sister's kids. It's just as likely that she said no because it was a stupid and unsustainable plan. OP chucked his wife right under the bus, though, didn't he?