Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Op here.

No, we’ve talked with the doctor about it. She doesn’t qualify for home health through Medicare because she doesn’t show enough improvement on a week to week basis. We tried it before and PT/OT only came out for a few weeks and she refused most visits.

Home health care we’ve been through. It cost my Dad $25/hr, minimum 4 hour visit and my mom would at times get agitated and call the police saying theres strangers in her home.

She really needs to be in a care facility but my dad is vehemently against it. He thinks we can coast along until he retires. Both my dad and sister are in a little bit of denial.

My dad can’t keep up with the $2000/month cost of in home care. I have asked my wife if we can pitch in but she is refusing, saying my sister is the one who benefited from no childcare costs and she should be the one to pitch in.

[Anonymous]

Team wife. Your dad needs to hire someone to check on his wife. Or you or your sister do it. Wife shouldn’t have to do anything.

What you’re not mentioning is that by making your after care nanny stay longer, you’re also seeing your own kids less. That’s not right. Your kids need to come first.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t pitch in because that’s just a bandaid. Clearly mom shouldn’t be home alone and they need to realize that sooner rather than later. I realize no one wants to pay, but that’s what your parents saved for 30 years to be able to do. Then need to dip into her retirement. Is she getting social security?

[Anonymous]

Where is your moms money? She should claim social security now and your dad should delay his to get the higher amount. Your mom has the need now

[Anonymous]

OP, does your sister have a spouse? How does that person factor in? Why does your sister think doing less than half is fair, by offering 1-2 days per week? How many days a week can you yourself or the 4.00 check-in? Is your sister willing to chip in toward your costs of additional childcare if you and your wife do more than half of the 4:00 check-ins? If someone can’t do the labor then they have to buy their way out of doing it.

What kind of job does everybody have? Who has flexibility and who doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

Team wife.

Since you and your dad don't want to put out your sister, why don't you go at noon (and forgo your lunch break) and your dad skip his lunch break and leave work 30 minutes early to get home before the 4pm sundowning?

Any chance your mother/sister made snarky comments to your wife about your kids being in daycare -- I've noticed there are a lot of smug parents/grandparents out there who feel this way. That would make her even less willing to "pitch in."

[Anonymous]

Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

[Anonymous]

I think the family should help for 24 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with your wife on this, too. This is not for her to solve.

This, and your sister is a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Sounds like wife has a perfectly good job and MIL isn't going to leave much of an inheritance anyway.

[Anonymous]

Whatever solution you come up with needs to include no more using your wife as scapegoat. This isn’t on her, and she isn’t wrong.

[Anonymous]

Op here again.

My mom only collects SSDI. She was not eligible for social security retirement. My wife always disagreed with my moms choice to collect disability and then watch my sisters children 40+ hours/week.

And my parents took out a reverse mortgage on their house years ago. They owe more than they have in equity so I doubt we would receive much in inheritance. There is a lot of debt and very little assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

So blow up the marriage over this? That isn’t a helpful suggestion.

[Anonymous]

The coverage at 4pm is something you and your sister need to figure out. Your dad has the 12pm covered, so you and your sister (not your wife) need to figure it out.

I am curious why you are so focused on your wife, yet you don’t comment on your sister’s spouse/partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Parents should leave money to whomever they please. Spouses should share money as they please. Period.