Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

There are consequences to treating your children unequally. You want to favor one set of grandkids, go ahead but don’t be surprised if you set up this type of dynamic.

Exactly. This is one factor among many why OP’s wife is the clear headed one. That one lady who keeps on popping up to defend the SIL also has some interesting views about how wome should be the caters, should be taking care of these family matters. Definitely team wife. OP needs to check on the status of his marriage and check for resentment.

I absolutely do not believe that women should be labeled the caregivers of the family. I SAID that the adult children, in this case Op and his sister, are EQUALLY responsible for helping their Dad out during this time of crisis. This is a crisis which you handle by helping Dad to get a more permanent solution in place.

MIL lived close to the sister and I'm sure that made daily interaction with the sister's kids easy and very doable. That doesn't mean that it's now sister's job to 100% take on the eldercare of a very sick parent.

Unless Op's wife had a daughter like relationship with her MIL (apparently not the case), Op's wife does not need to feel obligated to play a role in the direct care of her MIL. That is her husband's job.

What??? So, MIL living close to the sister explains why she could help with childcare. Yet, the sister lives just as close to her mom but can’t provide more than one (maybe 2) check ins a week??? How does it make sense for the brother who lives far away to be the one shouldering the bulk of the visits? He has to drive one hour each way after work whereas the sister lives nearby.

Please explain the logic, because this makes no sense.

They are helping their overwhelmed father take care of their mother while keeping a roof over his own head. It benefits no one for Dad to lose his job and possibly his own physical and mental health. This is damage control and, yes, Op needs to step up.

And why not the sister of OP? If I were OP's wife, I would ring that *beep* up and chew her out for being such a user. It's not going to sound politically correct, but I am the type who wouldn't do anything unless the other person is also pulling their weight. That is what is grating on OP's wife. Childcare history aside, she sees that it's entirely on HER and DH to help when the MIL actually has TWO live and able-bodied children. SMH.

You are a terrible DIL and no one would WANT you to help out. Relax. The one who needs to be helping is the son of this woman. Just because he's a boy doesn't mean that he's off the hook. I don't care how much his wife twists herself into a knot to say otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

There are consequences to treating your children unequally. You want to favor one set of grandkids, go ahead but don’t be surprised if you set up this type of dynamic.

Exactly. This is one factor among many why OP’s wife is the clear headed one. That one lady who keeps on popping up to defend the SIL also has some interesting views about how wome should be the caters, should be taking care of these family matters. Definitely team wife. OP needs to check on the status of his marriage and check for resentment.

I absolutely do not believe that women should be labeled the caregivers of the family. I SAID that the adult children, in this case Op and his sister, are EQUALLY responsible for helping their Dad out during this time of crisis. This is a crisis which you handle by helping Dad to get a more permanent solution in place.

MIL lived close to the sister and I'm sure that made daily interaction with the sister's kids easy and very doable. That doesn't mean that it's now sister's job to 100% take on the eldercare of a very sick parent.

Unless Op's wife had a daughter like relationship with her MIL (apparently not the case), Op's wife does not need to feel obligated to play a role in the direct care of her MIL. That is her husband's job.

What??? So, MIL living close to the sister explains why she could help with childcare. Yet, the sister lives just as close to her mom but can’t provide more than one (maybe 2) check ins a week??? How does it make sense for the brother who lives far away to be the one shouldering the bulk of the visits? He has to drive one hour each way after work whereas the sister lives nearby.

Please explain the logic, because this makes no sense.

They are helping their overwhelmed father take care of their mother while keeping a roof over his own head. It benefits no one for Dad to lose his job and possibly his own physical and mental health. This is damage control and, yes, Op needs to step up.

And why not the sister of OP? If I were OP's wife, I would ring that *beep* up and chew her out for being such a user. It's not going to sound politically correct, but I am the type who wouldn't do anything unless the other person is also pulling their weight. That is what is grating on OP's wife. Childcare history aside, she sees that it's entirely on HER and DH to help when the MIL actually has TWO live and able-bodied children. SMH.

You are a terrible DIL and no one would WANT you to help out. Relax. The one who needs to be helping is the son of this woman. Just because he's a boy doesn't mean that he's off the hook. I don't care how much his wife twists herself into a knot to say otherwise.

Please answer the question!

If MILs proximity to SIL is why she could help with daily childcare (and couldn’t help son) why does SIL’s proximity not mean she should help her mom now? Why should the brother who has a 2 hour commute to his mother have to do FOUR times as many trips as the sister who lives down the street?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

Op's dad is only 63 years old. I doubt that the adult children are going to be getting an inheritance any time soon.

This is more about doing the right thing. My dad got very sick when he was in his 60's. My mom was still working full time, I was working full time, my siblings had work/families, too, and it was just a really difficult time. You can see when a situation has become overwhelming to the point where someone is drowning. That was the situation for my mom. I stepped up and did what I could - just keeping an eye on dad for an afternoon was such a help, it wasn't much by comparison to what my mom was doing but I think it meant the world to her that I did step up.

That's interesting -- because it seems a bit like the flip side of that is happening here. The husband's family did NOT step up when OP and his wife were struggling. And it meant a lot to the wife, too, it's just that what it meant was not good. And I kind of can't blame someone who watched her in-laws leave her to struggle when she was having a hard time resist sacrificing for the in-laws when they are struggling. These parents DIDN'T help their son, but they sure expect him to help them. OP's wife maybe should be a better person than they were to her, but she's only human, and it sounds like she's pretty busy herself, if she's working and has kids.

Weirdly, when I saw what was going on with my parents I had gotten to the point where I really didn't see too much of them. I can't say that my parents had helped me much (if at all) since I had moved out of their house and moved in with roommates. I was sort of the black sheep of the family if you want to be dramatic or at least at the time I sure felt that way. But when I saw my folks in real pain that is all it took. I was there with them and for them. No hesitation. It felt like the right thing to do. Not the easiest thing but the right thing.

On the positive side, we got through that rough time with Dad. I later got married and had kids of my own. My mom became the world's best grandma to them, loved them to pieces and made SAH with them even more fun for me. My life has been very blessed.

Do the right thing, Op, no matter what others may or may not do. You know your limits, you know what you can do and what you can't do - you do not have to do it all. Just do what you can. Hang in there and I am really sorry about your mom.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

My mom only collects SSDI. She was not eligible for social security retirement. My wife always disagreed with my moms choice to collect disability and then watch my sisters children 40+ hours/week.

And my parents took out a reverse mortgage on their house years ago. They owe more than they have in equity so I doubt we would receive much in inheritance. There is a lot of debt and very little assets.

Sorry to say, but if your mom had truthfully told the SSA that she retained the functional capacity to care for a child, much less multiple kids for years and years, disability benefits would never have been approved. SSDI was meant for people who are genuinely disabled, not for stay at home mothers or grandmothers choosing to help out with childcare full time or close to full time. If your mom was caring for kids because your sister was out working, your sister was also complicit in lying to the government that entire time your mom was receiving SSDI.

I can understand why your wife is putting her foot down. Your sister is a taker and this is the start of your family taking on more and more financial burden unless your sister steps up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not with this comically optimistic schedule. You live an hour from your parents so you're planning to drive an hour to check on your mom from 4-4:30, high five your dad when he gets home and leave immediately (I call unlikely), drive an hour in rush hour traffic to get back by 5:30 (see how this is all wishful thinking), and relieve the nanny at 5:30 instead of 3:30? What's it going to cost you when you don't beat your wife home and the nanny has to stay until 6?

And the dinner that you probably usually prepped if not made because you got home in the afternoon - whose job is that now? The nanny? That's going to cost you more than $20/day. What about the days your sister decides not to check in because she said 1 or 2 days a week and you're off work anyway? Will the nanny cover those on short notice?

Your wife is defending her boundaries because your family keeps violating them. You're saying $40/day but it's also 10-15 hours more per week of your kids in childcare instead of with a parent, upending your weekday routine, and YET AGAIN bending over backwards because your sister sucks.

+1

Op is being optimistic about returning by 5:30pm and the sister not dumping more days on him as time passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You seem to be caught in the middle of a dysfunctional family. You might want to read a book or something to understand the dynamics of caring for an ailing parent in this situation. Typically it gets worse not better, sadly.
Already you are blaming your wife right there in the title. She is your wife and mother of your children and also financial partner. She needs more respect and less being the monkey in the middle.

+1
Let all the numerous Team Wife responses give you a wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP's Dad gets off work at 4 but someone need to be with mom around that time. And he's going to retire in a couple of years. So hasn't he built up enough good will with his employer to ask for slightly altered hours that would allow him to leave by 3 or 3:30 each day? He has lots of leave built up? So why can't he ask if he can use one hour of leave a day for the next several months if they are unwilling to adjust his hours? One full day of leave would allow him to leave work early for 7 or 8 days! I agree that OP is seeming more and more like a troll. There have been so many obvious opportunities for solutions but he seemed completely intent on just railroading his wife (who he still stuck with the work of solving the problem). And why the hell is the wife now expected to spend her weekends driving far to take care of MIL rather than spending time with her children. OP needs to be making those weekend trips for the most part.

When OP added the info that Dad had "weeks of vacation" and FMLA, I felt almost betrayed. Why was OP willing to add 2 hours of driving plus the 30 minutes plus the $10k/year and the burden on his own wife (by being away and not doing parenting or houseworj or whatever he would have done 3:30-5:30) before Dad had done what he could? The title of this post makes it seem the wife is doing something wrong or selfish and if you look at the situation and read through 20+ pages of this, one finds out that it was actually the OP who was acting selfish by expecting his wife to change her mind about their family contributing financially and adding babysitter care to his kids.

Plus I never understood him throwing up his hands at the "agency requires 4 hours minimum" instead of trying alternative ways (such as hiring one of Mom's neighbors) to cover the 30 minutes.

What happens when Mom and Dad don't qualify for Medicaid? Or it doesn't cover in home care? Why is his default choice that he will add two hours of driving time? Of course he loves his mom. But his choices affect his wife and his own kids too.

[Anonymous]

This family is very dysfunctional. With all that debt they should step back and get Medicaid. I think mom is way over a spot check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you proposing OP? Are you going to be the one checking on your mother or does that fall to your wife? Will whatever you propose alter the evening routine for your wife?

+1 The fact that he keeps using "we" blur the fact that he's asking her to do this is sketchy, and that he would even start this thread scapegoating his wife when it's his sister at fault is worse yet. Add in the way OP refuses to answer any question about his sister's spouse and there's nothing to say but #teamwife.

That's not what he has said. He said she won't agree to pay for extra childcare so he could do it.

Op here

This is correct. My wife does not want to pay our sitter an extra $40/day (we pay her $20/hr for after school care) so that I can spend 2-3 hours with my mom in the afternoon.

Im off at 3, but my parents live 1 hour from my work. I would get home around 5PM, my wife gets home at 6. Normally we had a sitter pick our kids up from school and watch them until I got home at 3:30. But we would now need them to watch the kids from 7-5:30. My parents live 1 hour from my house.

My wife does not like my sister in general. She is married to an alcoholic and his behavior at holidays has been terrible. He is completely useless and can’t be trusted to watch his mother in law. My sister has spent many nights at our house with her kids, saying she’s going to leave him but she never does. I think my wife kind of lost it after she helped my sister get set up with counselling and a plan to leave and she never followed through:

My wife is a social worker and is vehemently opposed to the idea in general.

Yeah, this is a lot of family history here. You have got to leave your wife out of these arrangements for the time being and tell you sister that DW is not available, no explanation.

I bet your wife might come around on her own, over time. Forcing the issue is going to cause more tension and trouble than it's worth.

[Anonymous]

You and your sister should do the check ins. Your wife should not be involved. Your sister should do 3-4 times a week...you should do 1-2. Problem solved.

Your wife should not be doing any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about you and your sister pitch in to have a home health aide check in on her during those times?

You and your sister split the cost of an aide with your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with your wife on this, too. This is not for her to solve.

Yes it is. You marry into a family and you help with elderly parents. OP, if I were you, I would just hire someone to be with her. Your wife sounds like a real bitch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get this. If your dad gets off at 4 and home at 4:30, what does he need someone to do at 4?? What a waste to drive there an hour each way for such little time.

Make sure you install cameras on your mom.

I don't get it either.

Add me to the confused list here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry about your situation, OP.

Your wife seems to be a person who does not recognize how she in injuring her own relationship with you.

All I can say is that I am embarrassed for your wife. Helping a little bit now allows your dad to be more financially secure and less of a burden on you down the road.

I agree. You are entitled to help your dad financially if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op how far is your sister from your parents house? Does she work?

You have said that your sister is now in a great financial place probably from not having to pay childcare.

Your sister needs to do at least 3 days. She can opt to pay for help for one of those days if she needs to.

That will leave two days between you and your dad which I think will be easier to manage.

Back your wife on this one. She is telling you she has reached her limit. You just want her to quit complaining and go along with you, the sort of resentment that will lead to will stay in your marriage for a long time.

This is early days yet, your mother will need far more care in the years to come so go easy now because it's only going to get harder. Listen to your wife. Tell your sister that you can't manage it at the moment.

This is good advice.

Bad advice. Sister has offered 2 days. That is what she can do. Op should do 2 days, also. They can come up with a plan B for the other day.

Mom providing childcare to sister's kids was between sis and Mom. You are confusing that childcare arrangement into meaning that the sister now OWES her mom eldercare - sister never agreed to those terms but Mom did agree to provide childcare. Two different things.

The other thing that is not your business is what you think your sister can afford. That is her business and her budget. You don't get to decide what she pays. She decides that. If she is ahead financially now and married to an alcoholic to boot than good for her. She has climbed some mountains to accomplish what she has whether you like her or not.

Now for what IS actually Op's business: How do we best help out dad while he figures out a long term care plan for **our** mother. Obviously, your spouses are not helpful people and should not be included in this conversation.

Your poor dad. He is clearly going through hell right now. Help that man.

+1