Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

There are consequences to treating your children unequally. You want to favor one set of grandkids, go ahead but don’t be surprised if you set up this type of dynamic.

Exactly. This is one factor among many why OP’s wife is the clear headed one. That one lady who keeps on popping up to defend the SIL also has some interesting views about how wome should be the caters, should be taking care of these family matters. Definitely team wife. OP needs to check on the status of his marriage and check for resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

There are consequences to treating your children unequally. You want to favor one set of grandkids, go ahead but don’t be surprised if you set up this type of dynamic.

Exactly. This is one factor among many why OP’s wife is the clear headed one. That one lady who keeps on popping up to defend the SIL also has some interesting views about how wome should be the caters, should be taking care of these family matters. Definitely team wife. OP needs to check on the status of his marriage and check for resentment.

I absolutely do not believe that women should be labeled the caregivers of the family. I SAID that the adult children, in this case Op and his sister, are EQUALLY responsible for helping their Dad out during this time of crisis. This is a crisis which you handle by helping Dad to get a more permanent solution in place.

MIL lived close to the sister and I'm sure that made daily interaction with the sister's kids easy and very doable. That doesn't mean that it's now sister's job to 100% take on the eldercare of a very sick parent.

Unless Op's wife had a daughter like relationship with her MIL (apparently not the case), Op's wife does not need to feel obligated to play a role in the direct care of her MIL. That is her husband's job.

[Anonymous]

So OP’s BIL gets a free pass because he’s an alky ? Why can’t he step up too? What a leech type of family situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP’s BIL gets a free pass because he’s an alky ? Why can’t he step up too? What a leech type of family situation.

Exactly. The whole SIL family benefited from MIL babysitting and so she should put in more effort. Instead she said she can only do 2 days and washes her hand of it and left it to her brother to figure it out. Ultimately, it’s OP’s wife who fixed it. SIL made less of an effort than the brother and his wife. She delegated the problem to her brother. SIL is really good at delegating her own problems to her family: babysitting, mom problem, potentially husband problem. There’s something strange with this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

While on fraudulent “I can’t work” taxpayer dole, so actually we all paid everything!

She was allowed to visit with her grandchildren and didn't collect a dime doing it so I'm not seeing the fraud. Not your beeswax so buzz out.

Are you OP? You seem mentally ill. Where do you live again? Doubt it is dc area.

No, the insane thing is you yammering on about some childcare this poor, sick woman did back in 2006 or whatever. Irrelevant.

NP. You are beginning to sound more and more crazy. Either you are the SIL/OP or you’re projecting a lot. Your viewpoints don’t make sense, especially with regards to accountability for the SIL. Something is not making since with how much you’re defending the SIL and trashing OP’s wife.

I am neither SIL or Op. In fact, when this sort of thing occurred in my own family I was a single, working woman with a demanding job, an apartment I shared with my boyfriend at the time and I had been out of my parents house for years, completely self sufficient. The reason I helped is because I could see with my own eyes that my parents *needed* help. I didn't start saying "Well Sue should help you because you helped her with X, Y, Z umpteen years ago" or "Bill should do it because Dad loaned him money and gave him a car X number of years ago". When people start doing that it totally detracts from the energy needed to put into solving the crisis.

I'm not going to spend an ounce of my energy rehashing who did what for whom in 2006. It's pointless and it does NOTHING to solve the problem.

The bolded matters.

Moreover, you didn’t have small children from whom you would be diverting significant time and resources. You can’t really compare what you were able/willing to do as a DINK to someone in the op’s scenario.

Well, we're dealing with round 2 now. I'm the only one with kids still at home and guess who it is falling to again.

No, this is about character. You either have it or you don't. There are some things in life that you just do.

And standing up for the needs of your own children when your family of origin is trying to take advantage of you at their expense also takes character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife most certainly should help. If she won’t DO NOT SHARE your inheritance check with her. It’s only fair. Parents should NOT leave money to those that won’t help them. Period.

So blow up the marriage over this? That isn’t a helpful suggestion.

Wife should leave you if you keep pushing this on her. Your SIL needs to step up, not your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP’s BIL gets a free pass because he’s an alky ? Why can’t he step up too? What a leech type of family situation.

That is not the type of relationship that he had with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Don’t forget MIL was collecting disability while caring for these children.

Well, there is that. Sounds like MIL was happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She was allowed to do that and she did.

While on fraudulent “I can’t work” taxpayer dole, so actually we all paid everything!

She was allowed to visit with her grandchildren and didn't collect a dime doing it so I'm not seeing the fraud. Not your beeswax so buzz out.

Are you OP? You seem mentally ill. Where do you live again? Doubt it is dc area.

No, the insane thing is you yammering on about some childcare this poor, sick woman did back in 2006 or whatever. Irrelevant.

NP. You are beginning to sound more and more crazy. Either you are the SIL/OP or you’re projecting a lot. Your viewpoints don’t make sense, especially with regards to accountability for the SIL. Something is not making since with how much you’re defending the SIL and trashing OP’s wife.

I am neither SIL or Op. In fact, when this sort of thing occurred in my own family I was a single, working woman with a demanding job, an apartment I shared with my boyfriend at the time and I had been out of my parents house for years, completely self sufficient. The reason I helped is because I could see with my own eyes that my parents *needed* help. I didn't start saying "Well Sue should help you because you helped her with X, Y, Z umpteen years ago" or "Bill should do it because Dad loaned him money and gave him a car X number of years ago". When people start doing that it totally detracts from the energy needed to put into solving the crisis.

I'm not going to spend an ounce of my energy rehashing who did what for whom in 2006. It's pointless and it does NOTHING to solve the problem.

The bolded matters.

Moreover, you didn’t have small children from whom you would be diverting significant time and resources. You can’t really compare what you were able/willing to do as a DINK to someone in the op’s scenario.

Well, we're dealing with round 2 now. I'm the only one with kids still at home and guess who it is falling to again.

No, this is about character. You either have it or you don't. There are some things in life that you just do.

And standing up for the needs of your own children when your family of origin is trying to take advantage of you at their expense also takes character.

Well, my kids love their grandparent and they are not aholes so....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP’s BIL gets a free pass because he’s an alky ? Why can’t he step up too? What a leech type of family situation.

That is not the type of relationship that he had with MIL.

But he benefitted too from MIL’s childcare labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP’s BIL gets a free pass because he’s an alky ? Why can’t he step up too? What a leech type of family situation.

That is not the type of relationship that he had with MIL.

But he benefitted too from MIL’s childcare labor.

So obviously Op gets to be paid for MIL's work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

There are consequences to treating your children unequally. You want to favor one set of grandkids, go ahead but don’t be surprised if you set up this type of dynamic.

Exactly. This is one factor among many why OP’s wife is the clear headed one. That one lady who keeps on popping up to defend the SIL also has some interesting views about how wome should be the caters, should be taking care of these family matters. Definitely team wife. OP needs to check on the status of his marriage and check for resentment.

I absolutely do not believe that women should be labeled the caregivers of the family. I SAID that the adult children, in this case Op and his sister, are EQUALLY responsible for helping their Dad out during this time of crisis. This is a crisis which you handle by helping Dad to get a more permanent solution in place.

MIL lived close to the sister and I'm sure that made daily interaction with the sister's kids easy and very doable. That doesn't mean that it's now sister's job to 100% take on the eldercare of a very sick parent.

Unless Op's wife had a daughter like relationship with her MIL (apparently not the case), Op's wife does not need to feel obligated to play a role in the direct care of her MIL. That is her husband's job.

What??? So, MIL living close to the sister explains why she could help with childcare. Yet, the sister lives just as close to her mom but can’t provide more than one (maybe 2) check ins a week??? How does it make sense for the brother who lives far away to be the one shouldering the bulk of the visits? He has to drive one hour each way after work whereas the sister lives nearby.

Please explain the logic, because this makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

There are consequences to treating your children unequally. You want to favor one set of grandkids, go ahead but don’t be surprised if you set up this type of dynamic.

Exactly. This is one factor among many why OP’s wife is the clear headed one. That one lady who keeps on popping up to defend the SIL also has some interesting views about how wome should be the caters, should be taking care of these family matters. Definitely team wife. OP needs to check on the status of his marriage and check for resentment.

I absolutely do not believe that women should be labeled the caregivers of the family. I SAID that the adult children, in this case Op and his sister, are EQUALLY responsible for helping their Dad out during this time of crisis. This is a crisis which you handle by helping Dad to get a more permanent solution in place.

MIL lived close to the sister and I'm sure that made daily interaction with the sister's kids easy and very doable. That doesn't mean that it's now sister's job to 100% take on the eldercare of a very sick parent.

Unless Op's wife had a daughter like relationship with her MIL (apparently not the case), Op's wife does not need to feel obligated to play a role in the direct care of her MIL. That is her husband's job.

What??? So, MIL living close to the sister explains why she could help with childcare. Yet, the sister lives just as close to her mom but can’t provide more than one (maybe 2) check ins a week??? How does it make sense for the brother who lives far away to be the one shouldering the bulk of the visits? He has to drive one hour each way after work whereas the sister lives nearby.

Please explain the logic, because this makes no sense.

They are helping their overwhelmed father take care of their mother while keeping a roof over his own head. It benefits no one for Dad to lose his job and possibly his own physical and mental health. This is damage control and, yes, Op needs to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OPs wife may be referring to sister and BIL likeliness to do almost nothing. Their offer rather feeble. That leaves the WHOLE JOB on Op and his wife. She would rather not set that expectation. She’s realistic.

Sister and BIL are waiting for OP and wife to step up so they can step back permanently. Until the Will is read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Wife here. Your mom provided thousands and thousands of dollars worth of free childcare to your sister. (Say, 2 kids x 5 years each x $16,000 = $160k at a minimum). She can pay for a service now.

Best post so far.

Nope. Mom agreed to do that for FREE. If my kid takes a job paying 8 bucks an hour, I can't years later decide that he was actually supposed to be paid $18/hour. It doesn't work that way.

Plus, you have no clue what SIL was doing for her mom in exchange for the babysitting. Regardless, it must have been a mutually agreeable arrangement of the time. And, no, Op doesn't "get" anything out of it now.

There are consequences to treating your children unequally. You want to favor one set of grandkids, go ahead but don’t be surprised if you set up this type of dynamic.

Exactly. This is one factor among many why OP’s wife is the clear headed one. That one lady who keeps on popping up to defend the SIL also has some interesting views about how wome should be the caters, should be taking care of these family matters. Definitely team wife. OP needs to check on the status of his marriage and check for resentment.

I absolutely do not believe that women should be labeled the caregivers of the family. I SAID that the adult children, in this case Op and his sister, are EQUALLY responsible for helping their Dad out during this time of crisis. This is a crisis which you handle by helping Dad to get a more permanent solution in place.

MIL lived close to the sister and I'm sure that made daily interaction with the sister's kids easy and very doable. That doesn't mean that it's now sister's job to 100% take on the eldercare of a very sick parent.

Unless Op's wife had a daughter like relationship with her MIL (apparently not the case), Op's wife does not need to feel obligated to play a role in the direct care of her MIL. That is her husband's job.

What??? So, MIL living close to the sister explains why she could help with childcare. Yet, the sister lives just as close to her mom but can’t provide more than one (maybe 2) check ins a week??? How does it make sense for the brother who lives far away to be the one shouldering the bulk of the visits? He has to drive one hour each way after work whereas the sister lives nearby.

Please explain the logic, because this makes no sense.

They are helping their overwhelmed father take care of their mother while keeping a roof over his own head. It benefits no one for Dad to lose his job and possibly his own physical and mental health. This is damage control and, yes, Op needs to step up.

And why not the sister of OP? If I were OP's wife, I would ring that *beep* up and chew her out for being such a user. It's not going to sound politically correct, but I am the type who wouldn't do anything unless the other person is also pulling their weight. That is what is grating on OP's wife. Childcare history aside, she sees that it's entirely on HER and DH to help when the MIL actually has TWO live and able-bodied children. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OPs wife may be referring to sister and BIL likeliness to do almost nothing. Their offer rather feeble. That leaves the WHOLE JOB on Op and his wife. She would rather not set that expectation. She’s realistic.

Sister and BIL are waiting for OP and wife to step up so they can step back permanently. Until the Will is read.

I would say that the exact opposite is happening. SIL is the one who stepped up and offered to help out a couple of days. She's got kids and a job, herself. She can not do it all. She needs her brother's help.

Op is busy trying to pin the blame on his wife - it is his wife who won't let Op help out. Yeah, right.