Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women who never leave must either be afraid of having to downsize to a one bedroom and accept change or they really think their cheating spouse is a prize package worth the agony.

As I've become older I've seen many situations. Finances, special needs kids, and health problem to name a few.

Many disengage and merely view the cheater as a pay check going forward. The cheater usually cheats themselves the most from what I've observed.

Does it all just really come down to money then? If you handed one of these women a couple million, do you think they'd still bail?

Yes if they are with a no good spouse that cheats.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

This seems like a waste of energy to me. But it ain’t my life. *shrug*

Hell No. It sounds fun and like victory to mentally torment and destroy the marriage of somebody that helped ruin your life, and your kids as well. They destroy both the past and the future of the cheated spouse.

Karma will most likely take care of them both and they have to live with themselves on their death beds, but until karma kicks in gotta give a little yourself.

If more cheated on spouses did this Ashley Madison would start losing customers.

The sick part was my spouse and I had a very healthy sex life- several times per week-while he was screwing her unprotected so I was getting all of her germs for 4 years unknowingly and her husband was getting my husband’s. And, that poor guy had to sleep in the bed they screwed in. Not even washing the sheets after. Nasty

Something tells me this all kind of turns you on in a perverse sort of way.

NP but I agree. Weird energy in these BURN THEM AT THE STAKE!!!!!! STITCH A SCARLET “S” INTO THEIR FOREHEADS!!! posts. My life is too full and busy to waste my time meting out supposed punishment to two cheating losers.

Yeah, I get that she's all angry and bitter but it's taking a tone that is kind of creepy in how obsessed she is with the OW, her ex, and their bodily fluids.

And how does she know sheets weren't washed? That plus as the AP I'd be worried about getting the PP's germs. I know mental illness isn't catchy, but ...

Ha. Most likely. A whore that has sex in her husband's bed for YEARS with Internet strangers probably gets a sick thrill sleeping in those sheets. Is she really doing laundry/changing the full bed linens/sheets multiple times per week?

And, my god, I am with this woman. Sloppy seconds after he screws a dirty whore unprotected and then comes home to f*ck her to (shower or not) is absolutely repulsive.

That poster needs to tell the other husband, and simply move on. She should completely stop obsessing, and never talk to her ex again. Being happy will be the best revenge. If they have kids do neutral exchanges away from the home. I mean totally 86 him. Yes you can with kids.

Agree. I think that is the closure she needs. Making sure AP is held accountable in her own marriage and letting husband know what his wife is doing to him and his kids.

Some people need to get it out of their system. A little amount of pay back or justice is certainly acceptable. When I was cheated on by a live in boyfriend I got the AP fired. Got justice then swiftly moved forward. Karma certainly comes around at some point to rotten people. One of my in-laws was left by her husband after 30 years and 3 kids. He cheated with a old gf that was getting a divorce. She actually stalked him from another state, and was looking for another life raft. He took the bait, it was the ugliest 3 year divorce I've ever seen. She ended up with the house, and he had to pay alimony for 5 years. He didn't see any of that coming. He didn't have much in retirement but she did take less on that. The house appreciated quite a bit as this was in 2000. He literally had to start over at age 53. Well AP didn't have anything because she was bankrupt. Both owed divorce lawyers, and 5 years later the AP died from some heart valve thing. He ended up broke and 2 kids never talked to him after the divorce. He wasn't even invited to their wedding. How he allowed a outsider scammer to take everything away is beyond me. Yet you see enough of these idiots, or they cheat get caught and cry like babies in divorce court. Yet it was all predictable.

[Anonymous]

^ yes. I am one that will not be able to move forward with or without my spouse unless I see her pay the price. A bit of payback is exactly what I am planning. The thought of her getting off “Scott free” and she’s a repeat offender in her own marriage while my spouse and I are both paying the consequences of their stupid, selfish choice over many years is untenable.

I was raised in a family that does not let people mess with our family. Striking back and being strong was the way I was raised. At the minimum, letting her husband know who she really is and what she has been doing most of their marriage and health and safety risks for him and his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ yes. I am one that will not be able to move forward with or without my spouse unless I see her pay the price. A bit of payback is exactly what I am planning. The thought of her getting off “Scott free” and she’s a repeat offender in her own marriage while my spouse and I are both paying the consequences of their stupid, selfish choice over many years is untenable.

I was raised in a family that does not let people mess with our family. Striking back and being strong was the way I was raised. At the minimum, letting her husband know who she really is and what she has been doing most of their marriage and health and safety risks for him and his kids.

How did you find out she's cheating with the new husband?

If you're not together I'd cease all contact with her except for text about neutral child exchanges. If you let her DH know do it anon. and make sure there is documentation.

[Anonymous]

My ex cheated on me. He lost his job for cheating with a co-worker, then left me with two young children. It was awful. I was devastated and angry and paralyzed with fear. But I never tried to hurt anyone. I got therapy for myself and my children. I rebuilt our lives. I moved on. Five years later, I remarried. This was 22 years ago.

You are not the cosmic dispenser of karma. Getting revenge doesn’t help you heal. It just continues the pain cycle. I truly hope you find peace. Anger and bitterness will destroy you physically and emotionally. You are allowing yourself to be hurt over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex cheated on me. He lost his job for cheating with a co-worker, then left me with two young children. It was awful. I was devastated and angry and paralyzed with fear. But I never tried to hurt anyone. I got therapy for myself and my children. I rebuilt our lives. I moved on. Five years later, I remarried. This was 22 years ago.

You are not the cosmic dispenser of karma. Getting revenge doesn’t help you heal. It just continues the pain cycle. I truly hope you find peace. Anger and bitterness will destroy you physically and emotionally. You are allowing yourself to be hurt over and over again.

NP. I am glad you have found your peace. I agree with you that a human is “not the cosmic dispenser of justice”, but nor do victim spouses have to keep silent about the abuses perpetrated. Actions have consequences. When my DH cheated, it was not my responsibility to keep that secret. You may call that “seeking revenge”. I see it as choosing to live honestly and describe the situation as it was to people. It is not my job to cover up DH’s lies in order to save face for him.

Living honestly, and seeing justice served for his abuses did help me heal. Is it a magic recovery bullet? No, one also has to rebuild life. But, setting consequences and boundaries is also important to recovery. Otherwise you will be allowing yourself to be hurt over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t wait until she finds out and he turns into a complete p@ssy. I’ve seen it before, big strong arrogant guy turned into a groveling p@ssy when discovered

She’s likely having sex with somebody else which is why she’s not having it with him.

At this point, I'd be totally fine with that but, believe me, she isn't having sex with anyone. That part of her mind has shut down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women who never leave must either be afraid of having to downsize to a one bedroom and accept change or they really think their cheating spouse is a prize package worth the agony.

As I've become older I've seen many situations. Finances, special needs kids, and health problem to name a few.

Many disengage and merely view the cheater as a pay check going forward. The cheater usually cheats themselves the most from what I've observed.

Does it all just really come down to money then? If you handed one of these women a couple million, do you think they'd still bail?

NP. I would assume that if the cheated on wife had all the money she wants, why would she stay on with a cheating husband? Company isn't there anyway since he's off with someone else anyway. Question is why would cheater stay with the wife if it isn't for money.

Fear? Of being alone, of the wrath of the wife and families? I mean, it takes guts on sone level to tell someone you’re done with a relationship and leave that person for someone else. And go through the divorce process which is grueling for most. As a PP said, it’s a cake and eat it too situation. I get the satisfying side piece and avoid the embarrassing fallout. The mistress is the drug habit that keeps them from facing their true misery.

I mean if you cheat, you're not concerned with your wife anyway. Why not go find someone else? Is there a fallout from divorce that can't be changed over time? It just seems like inertia/laziness.

Some of it might be inertia and laziness. It's a lot of work to upend your family's life and build new. I think a lot of it is financial though. Celebrities have a high divorce rate because they can easily afford to say to heck with this, and each person goes off into separate fully staffed mansions and splits the ginormous net worth.

Agreed. I think a lot of this is convenience for them/him. So it's selfish twice over: once for cheating and then for keeping it a secret because it's not the right time for him to seek a divorce. I think it becomes quite apparent that these people are just selfish people. I do feel bad for the wife because she's going to be surprised when he'll want a divorce when it's convenient for him. By this time, she will have lost so much of her time with a selfish jerk like him.

He's so strident about his cheating and unapologetically selfish about his actions. I don't think it's worth engaging with him anymore. I don't think he has it in him to do the right thing. It's too bad really, especially for his wife.

This is the right thing for me to do at this time. I don't expect you to understand. As for selfish, I've admitted as much. I want sex, I'll have sex, I refuse to shut down my sex life as she has so I'll selfishly have sex with someone in the same situation.

Let me ask you this. Serious question. Wouldn't it also be selfish to divorce her over just this one issue? And it would be just sex. Take sex out of the picture and I'd never consider divorce. I'm not considering it now. So, is "doing the right thing" by divorcing her, just so I'm free to have sex as a single man who isn't cheating, selfish. That seems like a whole other level of selfish to me.

As for her losing her time with her selfish husband? She continues to make that choice. She has chosen spend our married days in a sexless marriage and she knows what that means to me. It's her time to waste. I'm not wasting her time. She wouldn't be blindsided or surprised at all if I talked divorce. I've been VERY clear with her that I don't accept this situation. She isn't some naive little girl who doesn't know how things work. Quite the opposite. She's chosen this for chapter of our marriage and she can make a choice to try to fix it.

Maybe she will come around some day. Maybe she will bump her head, or accidentally shock herself, or have a high fever that will re-wire her head and spark her desire again. I really believe it could happen but I'm not waiting for it to happen any longer. If it did, we could live happily ever after into old age. What I'm doing now, gets us through these times. I have no plans to divorce her but perhaps she will have enough of this marriage so lacking in passion that she pulls the plug. For now, that doesn't seem to bother her at all. We all do what we have to to get by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women who never leave must either be afraid of having to downsize to a one bedroom and accept change or they really think their cheating spouse is a prize package worth the agony.

As I've become older I've seen many situations. Finances, special needs kids, and health problem to name a few.

Many disengage and merely view the cheater as a pay check going forward. The cheater usually cheats themselves the most from what I've observed.

Does it all just really come down to money then? If you handed one of these women a couple million, do you think they'd still bail?

NP. I would assume that if the cheated on wife had all the money she wants, why would she stay on with a cheating husband? Company isn't there anyway since he's off with someone else anyway. Question is why would cheater stay with the wife if it isn't for money.

Fear? Of being alone, of the wrath of the wife and families? I mean, it takes guts on sone level to tell someone you’re done with a relationship and leave that person for someone else. And go through the divorce process which is grueling for most. As a PP said, it’s a cake and eat it too situation. I get the satisfying side piece and avoid the embarrassing fallout. The mistress is the drug habit that keeps them from facing their true misery.

I mean if you cheat, you're not concerned with your wife anyway. Why not go find someone else? Is there a fallout from divorce that can't be changed over time? It just seems like inertia/laziness.

Some of it might be inertia and laziness. It's a lot of work to upend your family's life and build new. I think a lot of it is financial though. Celebrities have a high divorce rate because they can easily afford to say to heck with this, and each person goes off into separate fully staffed mansions and splits the ginormous net worth.

Agreed. I think a lot of this is convenience for them/him. So it's selfish twice over: once for cheating and then for keeping it a secret because it's not the right time for him to seek a divorce. I think it becomes quite apparent that these people are just selfish people. I do feel bad for the wife because she's going to be surprised when he'll want a divorce when it's convenient for him. By this time, she will have lost so much of her time with a selfish jerk like him.

He's so strident about his cheating and unapologetically selfish about his actions. I don't think it's worth engaging with him anymore. I don't think he has it in him to do the right thing. It's too bad really, especially for his wife.

This is the right thing for me to do at this time. I don't expect you to understand. As for selfish, I've admitted as much. I want sex, I'll have sex, I refuse to shut down my sex life as she has so I'll selfishly have sex with someone in the same situation.

Let me ask you this. Serious question. Wouldn't it also be selfish to divorce her over just this one issue? And it would be just sex. Take sex out of the picture and I'd never consider divorce. I'm not considering it now. So, is "doing the right thing" by divorcing her, just so I'm free to have sex as a single man who isn't cheating, selfish. That seems like a whole other level of selfish to me.

As for her losing her time with her selfish husband? She continues to make that choice. She has chosen spend our married days in a sexless marriage and she knows what that means to me. It's her time to waste. I'm not wasting her time. She wouldn't be blindsided or surprised at all if I talked divorce. I've been VERY clear with her that I don't accept this situation. She isn't some naive little girl who doesn't know how things work. Quite the opposite. She's chosen this for chapter of our marriage and she can make a choice to try to fix it.

Maybe she will come around some day. Maybe she will bump her head, or accidentally shock herself, or have a high fever that will re-wire her head and spark her desire again. I really believe it could happen but I'm not waiting for it to happen any longer. If it did, we could live happily ever after into old age. What I'm doing now, gets us through these times. I have no plans to divorce her but perhaps she will have enough of this marriage so lacking in passion that she pulls the plug. For now, that doesn't seem to bother her at all. We all do what we have to to get by.

Why are you wasting time trying time trying to explain this simple concept to idiots who just want to troll you? Every non-idiot understands a sexless marriage is NOT sexless at all: the normal libido (usually the man) is absolutely getting sex elsewhere. Your wife certainly knows. You don’t owe her or DCUM any further explanation. Carry on.

[Anonymous]

^ his narcissism that has to put down all the women on this thread and feel justified and superior.

Narcissism. Plain and simple. His responses are so misogynistic.

Mommy didn’t love him or daddy was hard on him. Little bit acting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ his narcissism that has to put down all the women on this thread and feel justified and superior.

Narcissism. Plain and simple. His responses are so misogynistic.

Mommy didn’t love him or daddy was hard on him. Little bit acting out.

*boy.

And, doesn’t he have a job?? I come on here about once or twice per week and there are hundreds of messages from him. I guess he “tab-alts” over time this forum from Ashley Madison all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ his narcissism that has to put down all the women on this thread and feel justified and superior.

Narcissism. Plain and simple. His responses are so misogynistic.

Mommy didn’t love him or daddy was hard on him. Little bit acting out.

owwww! That's harsh. You really hurt my feelings. I didn't put down all the women in this thread. A lot of them understand this perfectly well. It's not a man against woman thing. Doesn't matter what your sex is If you deny your spouse sex you're going to have the same problems. I know it hurts some people here to believe otherwise and hold on to their denial but this is how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex cheated on me. He lost his job for cheating with a co-worker, then left me with two young children. It was awful. I was devastated and angry and paralyzed with fear. But I never tried to hurt anyone. I got therapy for myself and my children. I rebuilt our lives. I moved on. Five years later, I remarried. This was 22 years ago.

You are not the cosmic dispenser of karma. Getting revenge doesn’t help you heal. It just continues the pain cycle. I truly hope you find peace. Anger and bitterness will destroy you physically and emotionally. You are allowing yourself to be hurt over and over again.

NP. I am glad you have found your peace. I agree with you that a human is “not the cosmic dispenser of justice”, but nor do victim spouses have to keep silent about the abuses perpetrated. Actions have consequences. When my DH cheated, it was not my responsibility to keep that secret. You may call that “seeking revenge”. I see it as choosing to live honestly and describe the situation as it was to people. It is not my job to cover up DH’s lies in order to save face for him.

Living honestly, and seeing justice served for his abuses did help me heal. Is it a magic recovery bullet? No, one also has to rebuild life. But, setting consequences and boundaries is also important to recovery. Otherwise you will be allowing yourself to be hurt over and over again.

No one is saying to keep it a secret but all this handrubbing and mustache twirling and "I'll get you my prettyyyyyy" plans to torture someone slowly over years is nutso. It just is. My husband cheated, I called out everyone involved, I let his family and friends know he wasn't shit and then I moved on with life. I don't know or care where those people are or what they are doing. They are losers, why would I pay them anything but dust?

[Anonymous]

This long back and forth is a real reminder of the pain caused by cheating, the pain caused by sexual rejection, and the importance of maintaining sexual intimacy in marriage.

I hope the few posters yelling at each other here can find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women who never leave must either be afraid of having to downsize to a one bedroom and accept change or they really think their cheating spouse is a prize package worth the agony.

As I've become older I've seen many situations. Finances, special needs kids, and health problem to name a few.

Many disengage and merely view the cheater as a pay check going forward. The cheater usually cheats themselves the most from what I've observed.

Does it all just really come down to money then? If you handed one of these women a couple million, do you think they'd still bail?

Yes if they are with a no good spouse that cheats.

I've stayed with my DH after his adultery came to light, and I don't have financial concerns (and don't think he's a prize package). People are more than any one thing.