Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The women who never leave must either be afraid of having to downsize to a one bedroom and accept change or they really think their cheating spouse is a prize package worth the agony. [/quote]

As I've become older I've seen many situations. Finances, special needs kids, and health problem to name a few.

Many disengage and merely view the cheater as a pay check going forward. The cheater usually cheats themselves the most from what I've observed. [/quote]

Does it all just really come down to money then? If you handed one of these women a couple million, do you think they'd still bail? [/quote]

NP.  I would assume that if the cheated on wife had all the money she wants, why would she stay on with a cheating husband?  Company isn't there anyway since he's off with someone else anyway.  Question is why would cheater stay with the wife if it isn't for money.[/quote]

Fear? Of being alone, of the wrath of the wife and families? I mean, it takes guts on sone level to tell someone you’re done with a relationship and leave that person for someone else. And go through the divorce process which is grueling for most. As a PP said, it’s a cake and eat it too situation. I get the satisfying side piece and avoid the embarrassing fallout. The mistress is the drug habit that keeps them from facing their true misery. [/quote]

I mean if you cheat, you're not concerned with your wife anyway.  Why not go find someone else?  Is there a fallout from divorce that can't be changed over time?  It just seems like inertia/laziness.  [/quote]

Some of it might be inertia and laziness. It's a lot of work to upend your family's life and build new. I think a lot of it is financial though. Celebrities have a high divorce rate because they can easily afford to say to heck with this, and each person goes off into separate fully staffed mansions and splits the ginormous net worth. [/quote]

Agreed.  I think a lot of this is convenience for them/him.  So it's selfish twice over:  once for cheating and then for keeping it a secret because it's not the right time for him to seek a divorce.  I think it becomes quite apparent that these people are just selfish people.  I do feel bad for the wife because she's going to be surprised when he'll want a divorce when it's convenient for him.  By this time, she will have lost so much of her time with a selfish jerk like him.

He's so strident about his cheating and unapologetically selfish about his actions.  I don't think it's worth engaging with him anymore.  I don't think he has it in him to do the right thing.  It's too bad really, especially for his wife.[/quote]This is the right thing for me to do at this time.  I don't expect you to understand.  As for selfish, I've admitted as much.  I want sex, I'll have sex, I refuse to shut down my sex life as she has so I'll selfishly have sex with someone in the same situation.

Let me ask you this.  Serious question. Wouldn't it also be selfish to divorce her over just this one issue?  And it would be just sex.  Take sex out of the picture and I'd never consider divorce.  I'm not considering it now.  So, is "doing the right thing" by divorcing her, just so I'm free to have sex as a single man who isn't cheating, selfish.  That seems like a whole other level of selfish to me.

As for her losing her time with her selfish husband?  She continues to make that choice.  She has chosen spend our married days in a sexless marriage and she knows what that means to me.  It's her time to waste.  I'm not wasting her time.  She wouldn't be blindsided or surprised at all if I talked divorce. I've been VERY clear with her that I don't accept this situation.  She isn't some naive little girl who doesn't know how things work.  Quite the opposite.  She's chosen this for chapter of our marriage and she can make a choice to try to fix it.

Maybe she will come around some day.  Maybe she will bump her head, or accidentally shock herself, or have a high fever that will re-wire her head and spark her desire again.  I really believe it could happen but I'm not waiting for it to happen any longer.  If it did, we could live happily ever after into old age.  What I'm doing now, gets us through these times.  I have no plans to divorce her but perhaps she will have enough of this marriage so lacking in passion that she pulls the plug.  For now, that doesn't seem to bother her at all.  We all do what we have to to get by.[/quote]

Why are you wasting time trying time trying to explain this simple concept to idiots who just want to troll you? Every non-idiot understands a sexless marriage is NOT sexless at all: the normal libido (usually the man) is absolutely getting sex elsewhere. Your wife certainly knows. You don’t owe her or DCUM any further explanation. Carry on.[/quote]

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