Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

^ NOT TRUE

It does not address narcissists, personality disorders and sex addictions.

Men that grew up with cheating/philandering fathers are 75% more likely to cheat as well. That has nothing to do with the quality of their current marriage.

Gottman method is pure bullsh@t.

Cheating is an active choice. The cheater is 200% responsible for their actions. Betrayal and sex outside of the marriage without their partner’s consent is always 100% on the cheater.

99.9% of couples therapy is crap because they don’t address any of the above. They expect to have the spouse blamed for their partner’s lying and cheating.

I said hell no to couples therapy after the first time and how it made things worse. Cheater felt vindicated since counselor never stated the cheating was wrong and his choice.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the responses/self-justifications from cheaters on this thread completely demonstrate the mind of the cheater, as asked in the thread title.

They believe what they are doing is right and justified by their view of the circumstances and that they do not owe any transparency to their spouse and have no intention, desire or will to stop cheating.

This pretty much sums up my own experience with my cheater spouse with whom I was having sex multiple times a week.

After a period of time investigating him to figure out what he was really doing (as it was evident he was lying to me), I came to understand that our moral world views were fundamentally different and deeply incompatible and that I didn’t want to be tied to him any longer (indeed, it was unsafe, unhealthy and dangerous for me and the kids).

We split up, and I experienced a huge degree of relief and subsequent happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not difficult to understand. When two people are in a relationship there are expectations. Think of it like a checklist. The problem occurs when one or both people's checklists are not being checked off.

It can be anything from common interests, common way of thinking about things, common approach to finance, common parenting approach, sex, affection, etc.

Once enough checkboxes are not checked off...that's when love slowly disappears. Once love is gone there is no emotional attachment to stay in a relationship.

The above is what any therapist will tell you and instead of paying $200/hour for it...it's free here

That's it entirely.

For healthy people one thing isn't going to topple a marriage. Even sex. If many boxes are checked and there's no attempt to fix...then yes it is time to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the responses/self-justifications from cheaters on this thread completely demonstrate the mind of the cheater, as asked in the thread title.

They believe what they are doing is right and justified by their view of the circumstances and that they do not owe any transparency to their spouse and have no intention, desire or will to stop cheating.

This pretty much sums up my own experience with my cheater spouse with whom I was having sex multiple times a week.

After a period of time investigating him to figure out what he was really doing (as it was evident he was lying to me), I came to understand that our moral world views were fundamentally different and deeply incompatible and that I didn’t want to be tied to him any longer (indeed, it was unsafe, unhealthy and dangerous for me and the kids).

We split up, and I experienced a huge degree of relief and subsequent happiness.

Good for you. From my experience I ignored all the red flags. He didn't come from a good family, dad was no good. Our morals were completely different, and he didn't view cheating as a deal breaker. Good morals demonstrated by a clean past should be the only candidates going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

This seems like a waste of energy to me. But it ain’t my life. *shrug*

Hell No. It sounds fun and like victory to mentally torment and destroy the marriage of somebody that helped ruin your life, and your kids as well. They destroy both the past and the future of the cheated spouse.

Karma will most likely take care of them both and they have to live with themselves on their death beds, but until karma kicks in gotta give a little yourself.

If more cheated on spouses did this Ashley Madison would start losing customers.

The sick part was my spouse and I had a very healthy sex life- several times per week-while he was screwing her unprotected so I was getting all of her germs for 4 years unknowingly and her husband was getting my husband’s. And, that poor guy had to sleep in the bed they screwed in. Not even washing the sheets after. Nasty

Something tells me this all kind of turns you on in a perverse sort of way.

NP but I agree. Weird energy in these BURN THEM AT THE STAKE!!!!!! STITCH A SCARLET “S” INTO THEIR FOREHEADS!!! posts. My life is too full and busy to waste my time meting out supposed punishment to two cheating losers.

[Anonymous]

On page 4 of this discussion I wrote, "I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find."

Then I wrote on most of the next 20 pages answering every question I could, sometimes multiple times for it all to come back to my original statement. Some of you find this to be such a complicated issue where it really is simple. And yes, the exceptions are always pointed out. I will acknowledge the following:
-Some wives are really saints, put out 2-3 times a week and indulge most anything sexual the H wants. But he is still a pig who felt entitled to cheat.

-Having sex with someone other than your W exposes you to a risk of STDs.

-No, I wouldn't want my hypothetical daughter to have a cheating husband.

-Yes, my moral compass is not up to your standards. If you are denied sex and have just learned to accept that your married sex life is over, yet you don't currently cheat, you are entitled to look down on me.

-No, you are wrong. Divorce is not the best option at this time. You can't argue otherwise because you don't know us. take my word for it or not.

-No, telling her is a VERY BAD idea. Telling her, ever, is a very bad idea. And yes, I owe my AP the same discretion I expect of her. It's an agreement among cheaters. We don't reveal the affair.

So look, like it or not it's still sex driven. I am driven to have sex. Many here would say, and have said, that makes me a narcissistic, selfish, immoral, asshole. I can deal with that as long as I'm all that and getting laid. I'm sorry if you aren't or you don't think your spouse deserves to have the sex life they expected in marraige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

This seems like a waste of energy to me. But it ain’t my life. *shrug*

Hell No. It sounds fun and like victory to mentally torment and destroy the marriage of somebody that helped ruin your life, and your kids as well. They destroy both the past and the future of the cheated spouse.

Karma will most likely take care of them both and they have to live with themselves on their death beds, but until karma kicks in gotta give a little yourself.

If more cheated on spouses did this Ashley Madison would start losing customers.

The sick part was my spouse and I had a very healthy sex life- several times per week-while he was screwing her unprotected so I was getting all of her germs for 4 years unknowingly and her husband was getting my husband’s. And, that poor guy had to sleep in the bed they screwed in. Not even washing the sheets after. Nasty

Something tells me this all kind of turns you on in a perverse sort of way.

NP but I agree. Weird energy in these BURN THEM AT THE STAKE!!!!!! STITCH A SCARLET “S” INTO THEIR FOREHEADS!!! posts. My life is too full and busy to waste my time meting out supposed punishment to two cheating losers.

Yeah, I get that she's all angry and bitter but it's taking a tone that is kind of creepy in how obsessed she is with the OW, her ex, and their bodily fluids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those cheaters who "assume" their spouses know, why don't you have an honest conversation and tell them, instead of lying to them about your whereabouts and communications? If you "assume" they know, why not tell the truth instead of lie?

For the same reason you don't tell your wife she looks fat in that dress or your husband he isn't actually better looking as a bald guy. Just because someone know something doesn't mean you need to humiliate them with it.

You really think someone several months or years into a sexless marriage is suddenly celibate?

Yes I do believe that. Men can have loss in sex drive as well as they age. This is my belief based on what I see. So please don’t assume women know what you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On page 4 of this discussion I wrote, "I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find."

Then I wrote on most of the next 20 pages answering every question I could, sometimes multiple times for it all to come back to my original statement. Some of you find this to be such a complicated issue where it really is simple. And yes, the exceptions are always pointed out. I will acknowledge the following:
-Some wives are really saints, put out 2-3 times a week and indulge most anything sexual the H wants. But he is still a pig who felt entitled to cheat.

-Having sex with someone other than your W exposes you to a risk of STDs.

-No, I wouldn't want my hypothetical daughter to have a cheating husband.

-Yes, my moral compass is not up to your standards. If you are denied sex and have just learned to accept that your married sex life is over, yet you don't currently cheat, you are entitled to look down on me.

-No, you are wrong. Divorce is not the best option at this time. You can't argue otherwise because you don't know us. take my word for it or not.

-No, telling her is a VERY BAD idea. Telling her, ever, is a very bad idea. And yes, I owe my AP the same discretion I expect of her. It's an agreement among cheaters. We don't reveal the affair.

So look, like it or not it's still sex driven. I am driven to have sex. Many here would say, and have said, that makes me a narcissistic, selfish, immoral, asshole. I can deal with that as long as I'm all that and getting laid. I'm sorry if you aren't or you don't think your spouse deserves to have the sex life they expected in marraige.

All you have to do is tell your wife. Not that different.
Also, I thought you didn’t care if your daughter was cheated on? Was it you who stayed that it’s her fault for not keeping her husband happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On page 4 of this discussion I wrote, "I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find."

Then I wrote on most of the next 20 pages answering every question I could, sometimes multiple times for it all to come back to my original statement. Some of you find this to be such a complicated issue where it really is simple. And yes, the exceptions are always pointed out. I will acknowledge the following:
-Some wives are really saints, put out 2-3 times a week and indulge most anything sexual the H wants. But he is still a pig who felt entitled to cheat.

-Having sex with someone other than your W exposes you to a risk of STDs.

-No, I wouldn't want my hypothetical daughter to have a cheating husband.

-Yes, my moral compass is not up to your standards. If you are denied sex and have just learned to accept that your married sex life is over, yet you don't currently cheat, you are entitled to look down on me.

-No, you are wrong. Divorce is not the best option at this time. You can't argue otherwise because you don't know us. take my word for it or not.

-No, telling her is a VERY BAD idea. Telling her, ever, is a very bad idea. And yes, I owe my AP the same discretion I expect of her. It's an agreement among cheaters. We don't reveal the affair.

So look, like it or not it's still sex driven. I am driven to have sex. Many here would say, and have said, that makes me a narcissistic, selfish, immoral, asshole. I can deal with that as long as I'm all that and getting laid. I'm sorry if you aren't or you don't think your spouse deserves to have the sex life they expected in marraige.

Until one of you does. Happens a lot. Or, you are not being as discrete as you think you are, ad someone else tells your wife. I was told by an anonymous person who found my work contact info. on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

This seems like a waste of energy to me. But it ain’t my life. *shrug*

Hell No. It sounds fun and like victory to mentally torment and destroy the marriage of somebody that helped ruin your life, and your kids as well. They destroy both the past and the future of the cheated spouse.

Karma will most likely take care of them both and they have to live with themselves on their death beds, but until karma kicks in gotta give a little yourself.

If more cheated on spouses did this Ashley Madison would start losing customers.

The sick part was my spouse and I had a very healthy sex life- several times per week-while he was screwing her unprotected so I was getting all of her germs for 4 years unknowingly and her husband was getting my husband’s. And, that poor guy had to sleep in the bed they screwed in. Not even washing the sheets after. Nasty

Something tells me this all kind of turns you on in a perverse sort of way.

NP but I agree. Weird energy in these BURN THEM AT THE STAKE!!!!!! STITCH A SCARLET “S” INTO THEIR FOREHEADS!!! posts. My life is too full and busy to waste my time meting out supposed punishment to two cheating losers.

Yeah, I get that she's all angry and bitter but it's taking a tone that is kind of creepy in how obsessed she is with the OW, her ex, and their bodily fluids.

And how does she know sheets weren't washed? That plus as the AP I'd be worried about getting the PP's germs. I know mental illness isn't catchy, but ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

This seems like a waste of energy to me. But it ain’t my life. *shrug*

Hell No. It sounds fun and like victory to mentally torment and destroy the marriage of somebody that helped ruin your life, and your kids as well. They destroy both the past and the future of the cheated spouse.

Karma will most likely take care of them both and they have to live with themselves on their death beds, but until karma kicks in gotta give a little yourself.

If more cheated on spouses did this Ashley Madison would start losing customers.

The sick part was my spouse and I had a very healthy sex life- several times per week-while he was screwing her unprotected so I was getting all of her germs for 4 years unknowingly and her husband was getting my husband’s. And, that poor guy had to sleep in the bed they screwed in. Not even washing the sheets after. Nasty

Something tells me this all kind of turns you on in a perverse sort of way.

NP but I agree. Weird energy in these BURN THEM AT THE STAKE!!!!!! STITCH A SCARLET “S” INTO THEIR FOREHEADS!!! posts. My life is too full and busy to waste my time meting out supposed punishment to two cheating losers.

Yeah, I get that she's all angry and bitter but it's taking a tone that is kind of creepy in how obsessed she is with the OW, her ex, and their bodily fluids.

And how does she know sheets weren't washed? That plus as the AP I'd be worried about getting the PP's germs. I know mental illness isn't catchy, but ...

Ha. Most likely. A whore that has sex in her husband's bed for YEARS with Internet strangers probably gets a sick thrill sleeping in those sheets. Is she really doing laundry/changing the full bed linens/sheets multiple times per week?

And, my god, I am with this woman. Sloppy seconds after he screws a dirty whore unprotected and then comes home to f*ck her to (shower or not) is absolutely repulsive.

[Anonymous]

The women who never leave must either be afraid of having to downsize to a one bedroom and accept change or they really think their cheating spouse is a prize package worth the agony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women who never leave must either be afraid of having to downsize to a one bedroom and accept change or they really think their cheating spouse is a prize package worth the agony.

As I've become older I've seen many situations. Finances, special needs kids, and health problem to name a few.

Many disengage and merely view the cheater as a pay check going forward. The cheater usually cheats themselves the most from what I've observed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

This seems like a waste of energy to me. But it ain’t my life. *shrug*

Hell No. It sounds fun and like victory to mentally torment and destroy the marriage of somebody that helped ruin your life, and your kids as well. They destroy both the past and the future of the cheated spouse.

Karma will most likely take care of them both and they have to live with themselves on their death beds, but until karma kicks in gotta give a little yourself.

If more cheated on spouses did this Ashley Madison would start losing customers.

The sick part was my spouse and I had a very healthy sex life- several times per week-while he was screwing her unprotected so I was getting all of her germs for 4 years unknowingly and her husband was getting my husband’s. And, that poor guy had to sleep in the bed they screwed in. Not even washing the sheets after. Nasty

Something tells me this all kind of turns you on in a perverse sort of way.

NP but I agree. Weird energy in these BURN THEM AT THE STAKE!!!!!! STITCH A SCARLET “S” INTO THEIR FOREHEADS!!! posts. My life is too full and busy to waste my time meting out supposed punishment to two cheating losers.

Yeah, I get that she's all angry and bitter but it's taking a tone that is kind of creepy in how obsessed she is with the OW, her ex, and their bodily fluids.

And how does she know sheets weren't washed? That plus as the AP I'd be worried about getting the PP's germs. I know mental illness isn't catchy, but ...

Ha. Most likely. A whore that has sex in her husband's bed for YEARS with Internet strangers probably gets a sick thrill sleeping in those sheets. Is she really doing laundry/changing the full bed linens/sheets multiple times per week?

And, my god, I am with this woman. Sloppy seconds after he screws a dirty whore unprotected and then comes home to f*ck her to (shower or not) is absolutely repulsive.

That poster needs to tell the other husband, and simply move on. She should completely stop obsessing, and never talk to her ex again. Being happy will be the best revenge. If they have kids do neutral exchanges away from the home. I mean totally 86 him. Yes you can with kids.