MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

Help that isn't wanted isn't helpful. We include her all day every day and didn't want the help in the night, as we made perfectly clear even before the visit.[/quote

You sound really difficult.

You told her to go back to bed? She is an adult in her own house.

You are a guest.

How she chooses to respond when you wake her night after night is her prerogative.

You were annoyed that you could not control what she did in her own house. That is how life works. If you don't like it, don't be a houseguest.

She doesn’t want to be a houseguest and neither does her DH. They won’t stay with MiL again. Personally I bet they won’t even once the baby is STTN, she sounds exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

She’s following your advice! She’s changing her behavior and only hers— staying elsewhere!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bet OP’s mom is local and/or sees the baby as often as she wants.

Why would this matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

This x1000. OP, you will be much happier if you tone down your own behavior and you change your expectations to only be about what you are doing. It is her house. She has a right to be up and walking around in her house. You cannot expect her to go to her room and stay there. That's crazy. I also agree with the PP's assessment that your reaction to this is going to start a chain reaction with your husband and he is going to resent that you aren't trying to get along with his mom.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

Oh, you only have one? Figures. You sounds inexperienced and new to this.

Yup! But learning very quickly to be thankful for my parents and in-laws who would never behave like this!

Mine aren't like that either, but the whole "it's MY baby not yours" sounds like very brand new mom speak. When you have more kids and are spread thin you become a little more grateful for the help you can get and aren't so worried about being judged for your parenting skills as a first time mom.

Oh I’m grateful for help, when it’s help! Someone loudly disturbing my baby during her middle of the night feeding isn’t help. Doing it repeatedly for several days is downright counterproductive. My mom and MiL are great help, which is to say they contribute actual assistance.

The baby was already up, and wasn't being disturbed you are twisting and making up facts to support your all MILs are evil agenda.
She offered help. That is not a crime. It is also not a reason for OP to push her or be nasty.

Perhaps it’s my youthful inexperience but my baby woke up once, had her diaper changed, ate and slept again peacefully. If someone or something disturbed her during that time, she took much longer to settle back down. Someone loudly talking outside the door would have disturbed her.

I don’t think MiLs are evil. Mine is great. She would also never stand outside my bedroom in the middle of the night talking loudly whether I had a baby or not.

Wait until you have your next baby and your now toddler screams outside the baby's door. This perfect routine only exists when there is 1 baby in the house, you have to learn to be much less rigid and flexible when you have another or more. The rigidity isn't helping, especially when traveling.

My baby travels fine thanks. She has stayed with her grandparents and she has even fussed in the middle of the night without them standing outside the door talking. You know what was super helpful? When my mom took her in the morning after she’d nursed so I could sleep for two more hours. Bliss! And? Actual help.

So did your mom just magically know to do this or did you tell her what would be helpful? If she had come to ask w if she could help would you have yelled at her and pushed her?

OMG.

They “told her what would be helpful” before they ever came.
They told her again on the second night.
And the third night.
Rinse, repeat.

So what? Sounds like MIL was concerned. How does she know if this is normal? She might have been worried the baby was getting sick, or was uncomfortable in the house and maybe it was too warm or too cold and maybe she could adjust the thermostat? They were in her house and she probably feels responsible and bad that maybe the baby is having a rough time and she wanted to know if they needed anything. It doesn't make her an evil witch trying to steal the baby away and engage in a power struggle. There are other ways to look at it which you seem incapable of doing.

She knows it is normal BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER REPEATEDLY.

God, the MIL brigade on DCUM is astonishing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

The parents of the baby were capable of handling the situation. What was the need for MIL to insert herself repeatedly?

Maybe the MIL was concerned something wrong because it doesn’t take two adults to change a diaper and feed a baby.

Right? If everyone is up and roaming around the house she was probably confused. And it's the middle of the night. But that's considered prowling to overprotective inept new parents who can't tag team.

If she was still “confused” by the second or third night, she needs to see a psychiatric professional for an age-related assessment STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say thank you. And move on.

No.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

The parents of the baby were capable of handling the situation. What was the need for MIL to insert herself repeatedly?

Maybe the MIL was concerned something wrong because it doesn’t take two adults to change a diaper and feed a baby.

+1
The whole set in stone routine of who does why, when each adult goes to the bathroom, etc is weird. Part of having kids is to go with the flow and teach the kids flexibility, too. It shouldn’t take 2 adults to do a quick middle of the night change/feed

Yeah, that’s how husbands wind up doing nothing. My first kid was wide awake after night feeds and it would take an hour to get him back to sleep. You’d better believe we had a routine like OP describes for the first few months. No way was I going to do all the feedings and then also stay up an extra hour each time to get him back to sleep. Especially because I also snap awake and have trouble going back to sleep, and DH doesn’t.

Second kid was more chill (or maybe I was more chill) and I did them myself, but I don’t judge or blame new parents for doing what works for them.

The issue is both parents shouldn't be up at the exact same time. Why is that necessary? Take turns. Mom nurses the baby hands it off to dad, goes back to bed, dad rocks and soothes puts baby to sleep, then he goes back to bed. Why is both people shuffling around the room at the same time beneficial? It might be fair, but it doesn't make sense.

Who the hell cares why? The point is there are already two adults who are the parents of the baby handling it and Grandma needs to butt. out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, this whole thread is so dumb, you guys are a bunch of crazies!

The gist of OP's post is that she just doesn't want to talk to anyone in the middle of the night. Get over it OP, it won't kill you to say "everything's fine, go back to sleep".

It also wouldn't kill MIL to listen to and respect what her son and DIL have repeatedly told her.

So much THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, life is full of ups and downs. You had a bad visit. Get over it and move on. Your MIL was just trying to be helpful. Also, don’t tell people how to keep their doors at night or offer white noise machines. That’s rude. Your MIL probably was hoping you would ask her to change the baby and comfort her until you and DH had used the bathroom, but was unsure of how to ask. It wouldn’t have killed you to let her change the baby or soothe her back to sleep. I’m sure she was so excited to have the baby there. You are way too rigid. Stop making it a her vs you situation.

This isn’t the grave insult you guys think it is. There is nowhere in the universe a gracious hostess stands outside her guests bedroom door talking loudly in the middle of the night, night after night, after being asked not to. Asking for peace and quiet at night is not “rigid” whether you have a baby or not!

It sounds like the MIL asked questions in a normal tone of voice at a time when every person in the house was awake.

The parents of the baby were capable of handling the situation. What was the need for MIL to insert herself repeatedly?

Maybe the MIL was concerned something wrong because it doesn’t take two adults to change a diaper and feed a baby.

+1
The whole set in stone routine of who does why, when each adult goes to the bathroom, etc is weird. Part of having kids is to go with the flow and teach the kids flexibility, too. It shouldn’t take 2 adults to do a quick middle of the night change/feed

Yeah, that’s how husbands wind up doing nothing. My first kid was wide awake after night feeds and it would take an hour to get him back to sleep. You’d better believe we had a routine like OP describes for the first few months. No way was I going to do all the feedings and then also stay up an extra hour each time to get him back to sleep. Especially because I also snap awake and have trouble going back to sleep, and DH doesn’t.

Second kid was more chill (or maybe I was more chill) and I did them myself, but I don’t judge or blame new parents for doing what works for them.

The issue is both parents shouldn't be up at the exact same time. Why is that necessary? Take turns. Mom nurses the baby hands it off to dad, goes back to bed, dad rocks and soothes puts baby to sleep, then he goes back to bed. Why is both people shuffling around the room at the same time beneficial? It might be fair, but it doesn't make sense.

Who the hell cares why? The point is there are already two adults who are the parents of the baby handling it and Grandma needs to butt. out.

Grandma didn’t even do anything. So much hyperventilating over nothing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are just too high maintenance to stay with your IL’s as a new mom. But it’s your baby….your rules. Maybe try again when baby is older.

[Anonymous]

I just want to bring up that my kid sleeps through the night at home but is 2.5 and NEVER sleeps through the night when we stay with grandparents. So… I wouldn’t expect this to be a problem that will just go away.

I would apologize to MIL for being sleep deprived and irrational (even if I didn’t actually feel this was true) but also before next visit I would bring up being concerned about not sleeping well and try to gently reset expectations.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call it "prowling" in her own house. I read that she was wanting to be helpful, but you've got your mind made up, so best of luck!