MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

This right here. See how you respected your sister’s wishes not to do it again, PP? See the difference in how MIL did not—she did it several times even after being asked not to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

Sounds like DH was pissed with his mom’s lack of listening and respecting him/his wife as parents, as he decided on his own—without telling OP first—to tell his parents they would be staying in a hotel until baby is solidly sleeping through the night. It was MIL’s obnoxious behavior that drove the wedge. It’s called listen to your adult son and his daughter when they are telling you what does and does not work when bringing a baby into your home, as you asked them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

This right here. See how you respected your sister’s wishes not to do it again, PP? See the difference in how MIL did not—she did it several times even after being asked not to?

I think people are intentionally forgetting that this is the issue. Not MIL getting up in her own house, or MIL wanting to help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

This right here. See how you respected your sister’s wishes not to do it again, PP? See the difference in how MIL did not—she did it several times even after being asked not to?

I think people are intentionally forgetting that this is the issue. Not MIL getting up in her own house, or MIL wanting to help out.

But we don’t know why she didn’t listen and OP has decided that it was malicious intent instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. It was her choice to be offended and get angry. Her reaction is within her control and others are telling her to relax. The baby is perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

This right here. See how you respected your sister’s wishes not to do it again, PP? See the difference in how MIL did not—she did it several times even after being asked not to?

I think people are intentionally forgetting that this is the issue. Not MIL getting up in her own house, or MIL wanting to help out.

But we don’t know why she didn’t listen and OP has decided that it was malicious intent instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. It was her choice to be offended and get angry. Her reaction is within her control and others are telling her to relax. The baby is perfectly fine.

There is no justification for not listening to and respecting the wishes of parents when it comes to the care of their child outside of senility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

This right here. See how you respected your sister’s wishes not to do it again, PP? See the difference in how MIL did not—she did it several times even after being asked not to?

I think people are intentionally forgetting that this is the issue. Not MIL getting up in her own house, or MIL wanting to help out.

But we don’t know why she didn’t listen and OP has decided that it was malicious intent instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. It was her choice to be offended and get angry. Her reaction is within her control and others are telling her to relax. The baby is perfectly fine.

There is no justification for not listening to and respecting the wishes of parents when it comes to the care of their child outside of senility.

That's one stance you can take. Another is that she may have a reason that was not discussed. Either way you can be chill and just get over it. You don't have to make it your hill to die on. It's not like MIL snatched the baby and tried to feed it formula. She did basically, nothing. If someone asking you "what's going on" causes a meltdown then perhaps you need to better control your emotions. Even if it happened, gasp 5 times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

Are you insane? No one gets do ANYTHING with my kids that I do not approve of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, look in your beautiful baby’s eyes and imagine yourself as the grandmother of her kids. Wouldn’t you want to be included? Letting a grandparent help with basic things, also makes future relationships so much closer. God willing, you will be older one day. I hope your kids/spouses show you more grace.

Found the clueless MIL.

Please….you guys are so tiring.

Nah, they are spot on. Having a baby is a lot of work and stressful at times. When they ask you to STOP, then you stop. You're the grandparent, not the parent. Piss off the parent? Then things will not go as you would want. Grandparents need to know their place and it is not to second-guess, oversee, nitpick. OPs MIL should have stayed in bed after the first night. Or not inserted herself. Period.

Personally, if it was my mother doing this, I would have pulled her aside after day 2 and told her she was being annoying AF (but more nicely) and knock it off. If she couldn't we'd go to a hotel so as not to wake her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

Are you insane? No one gets do ANYTHING with my kids that I do not approve of.

+2. Plus, even if MIL was "allowed to" get up and being a pain, she should not have done so. She did not respect boundaries. That is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

This right here. See how you respected your sister’s wishes not to do it again, PP? See the difference in how MIL did not—she did it several times even after being asked not to?

I think people are intentionally forgetting that this is the issue. Not MIL getting up in her own house, or MIL wanting to help out.

But we don’t know why she didn’t listen and OP has decided that it was malicious intent instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. It was her choice to be offended and get angry. Her reaction is within her control and others are telling her to relax. The baby is perfectly fine.

The bolded matters very little in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read most of the thread, but this reminds me of when my sister had a baby. At the time, I was single and visiting. I heard the baby crying in the middle of night and thought I would help my sister out by attending to him. Well, my sister freaked out! She didn't want my nephew getting more wound up with a new person checking in. Now, as a parent, I can totally see why. I had good intentions and believe your mother-in-law does as well.

After she freaked out, did you keep checking in night after night?

This right here. See how you respected your sister’s wishes not to do it again, PP? See the difference in how MIL did not—she did it several times even after being asked not to?

I think people are intentionally forgetting that this is the issue. Not MIL getting up in her own house, or MIL wanting to help out.

But we don’t know why she didn’t listen and OP has decided that it was malicious intent instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. It was her choice to be offended and get angry. Her reaction is within her control and others are telling her to relax. The baby is perfectly fine.

There is no justification for not listening to and respecting the wishes of parents when it comes to the care of their child outside of senility.

That's one stance you can take. Another is that she may have a reason that was not discussed. Either way you can be chill and just get over it. You don't have to make it your hill to die on. It's not like MIL snatched the baby and tried to feed it formula. She did basically, nothing. If someone asking you "what's going on" causes a meltdown then perhaps you need to better control your emotions. Even if it happened, gasp 5 times.

List some reasons why it’s OK to keep trying to butt into a situation with a baby ***when the parents have repeatedly asked you not to,*** whether you are a MIL, a best friend, a neighbor, or a stranger in the grocery store that don’t involve senility or some imminent danger like a fire the parents aren’t aware of.

Go on. I’ll wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

Are you insane? No one gets do ANYTHING with my kids that I do not approve of.

+2. Plus, even if MIL was "allowed to" get up and being a pain, she should not have done so. She did not respect boundaries. That is not acceptable.

Without knowing more context it's hard to answer the WWYD question. Does MIL always do things like this? If so, how do you normally handle this? IF this is new, wouldn't you want to know more about what happened in this particular case? If this is a one off, flying off the handle seems a little over the top. The MIL didn't do anything to the kid at all. This is all about OP not knowing how to handle her annoyance. This has nothing to do with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

Are you insane? No one gets do ANYTHING with my kids that I do not approve of.

+2. Plus, even if MIL was "allowed to" get up and being a pain, she should not have done so. She did not respect boundaries. That is not acceptable.

Without knowing more context it's hard to answer the WWYD question. Does MIL always do things like this? If so, how do you normally handle this? IF this is new, wouldn't you want to know more about what happened in this particular case? If this is a one off, flying off the handle seems a little over the top. The MIL didn't do anything to the kid at all. This is all about OP not knowing how to handle her annoyance. This has nothing to do with the baby.

Here’s the context: the MIL’s son and daughter-in-law are grown-ass adults who:
1) Offered to stay in a hotel, making it clear there were still night feedings for a 4yo—ILs said no, stay with us
2) OP and her husband told MIL/FIL before the trip even occurred that they would of course handle the night feeding
3) OP and her husband told her MIL every night for several nights—and during the day on the second day—to just leave them alone to handle it at night.

That’s the “context.” There’s nothing that justifies ignoring parents when it comes to their own child. And it by definition wasn’t a “one off” after the first night—do you get that? Do you get that several nights of telling MIL to lower her voice and leave them to it makes it inherently, be definition not a “one off”?

Welp, MIL’s prize for ignoring and disrespecting her son and DIL is that baby will no longer be staying with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

You really don't get it, do you?

You keep saying that she did not respect your decision... BUT you only get to decide what YOU do, not what other adults do.

She did not try to stop what you wanted to do with your baby. But you are mad because you could not stop what she did with her son/grandchild.

I predict that you will eventually driven a wedge between your husband and his mom.

Are you insane? No one gets do ANYTHING with my kids that I do not approve of.

+2. Plus, even if MIL was "allowed to" get up and being a pain, she should not have done so. She did not respect boundaries. That is not acceptable.

Without knowing more context it's hard to answer the WWYD question. Does MIL always do things like this? If so, how do you normally handle this? IF this is new, wouldn't you want to know more about what happened in this particular case? If this is a one off, flying off the handle seems a little over the top. The MIL didn't do anything to the kid at all. This is all about OP not knowing how to handle her annoyance. This has nothing to do with the baby.

Here’s the context: the MIL’s son and daughter-in-law are grown-ass adults who:
1) Offered to stay in a hotel, making it clear there were still night feedings for a 4yo—ILs said no, stay with us
2) OP and her husband told MIL/FIL before the trip even occurred that they would of course handle the night feeding
3) OP and her husband told her MIL every night for several nights—and during the day on the second day—to just leave them alone to handle it at night.

That’s the “context.” There’s nothing that justifies ignoring parents when it comes to their own child. And it by definition wasn’t a “one off” after the first night—do you get that? Do you get that several nights of telling MIL to lower her voice and leave them to it makes it inherently, be definition not a “one off”?

Welp, MIL’s prize for ignoring and disrespecting her son and DIL is that baby will no longer be staying with them.

You didn't answer the question nitwit. Has THIS MIL done this before? If you're not OP you can't answer that.