MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother always woke up and prowled around when we were similarly situated, but she WANTED TO, and never gave us grief for it. What exactly is yours pissed about? The wake-ups or that you seemed annoyed at her presence?

OP here. What bothers me is that we explained everything to her, even before the visit, and after the first night, that yes sorry about the noise, but we've got it under control. We also asked her to lower her voice the first, second and third nights, and she continued to speak very loudly, which of course will just keep the baby awake. What bothers me is she totally ignored us, night after night, even though we very specifically said please lower your voice and please let us do what we need to do, please go back to bed.

It's like she wanted attention, and wouldn't take "we don't need your help right now" for an answer. She also doesn't like that we are choosing to breastfeed, which may have something to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

Help that isn't wanted isn't helpful. We include her all day every day and didn't want the help in the night, as we made perfectly clear even before the visit.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. My MIL is the same way. She is a light sleeper and she thinks she can be helpful. I don’t really want my in-laws to see me bleary eyes and in my PJs, trying to breastfeed in a strange bed/chair. Feeding a baby at night is so automatic. If someone talks to me or disrupts the routine it makes it impossible to fall back asleep.
My MIL also would sit super close to me and stare at me breastfeeding during the day as if she was studying me and trying to figure out how it works. She BF her own kids. I just asked her to give me more personal space and she backed off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, sounds like you were the rude one.

Nope, not after several nights of telling her all was well and that they would handle it, AND telling them even before the visit that all would be well and they would handle it. Nope, continuing to bother people when they have a situation totally in hand is not helpful, it's just trying to get attention and "be important." Get your validation elsewhere, and leave parents of babies alone.

Why must you assume the worst of her? Are you that hateful and sad with your life that you assume others are as bad as you? OP, she likely just wants to be involved. Rather than tell her you got it, ask her if she'd like to hold the baby after you're done feeding? Or if she would mind changing the diaper while you go to the bathroom. Wanting to be involved doesn't mean she's trying to be important - it may mean she loves the baby.

[Anonymous]

I'd do nothing. Just go back home and IGNORE. This doesn't need to be settled.

Don't act mad, just move on. I firmly believe no one is their best self in the middle of the night.

I would stay in a hotel next time. Other than that, dumb and cheerful when around her. "Oh what? Middle of the night? Oh I barely remember that Thanksgiving I was out of my mind with sleep deprivation!"

[Anonymous]

OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

Not OP, but NO. No one needs to have a conversation with me at 3am or prolong the whole episode by trying to “help” change the diaper and taking 5 times as long and waking the baby up fully. No no no and no.

[Anonymous]

You need to stay in a hotel. The crying probably woke her up. Dictating how someone behave and move around their own house is ridiculous. Having a baby doesn't mean you lose all sense of decency and manners. I can only imagine if your MIL tried to explain to you how things go in your house. You explained it all to her, why didn't she salute you and say "Yes, Ma'am!" What entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We drove 5+ hours to visit ILs with our 4mo baby over Thanksgiving. We stayed in a back bedroom and were as quiet as possible, but of course baby cried a bit at night, especially in a new environment.

EVERY single night, MIL would get up and prowl around and full-voiced ask questions and "check in" when we told her all was under control and to go back to bed. Our routine is that DH changes the diaper while I go to the restroom, and then I breastfeed while DH goes to the restroom and goes back to sleep, then I put the baby down and go back to sleep. The most the crying ever lasted was four minutes. And baby only woke once each night.

ILs sleep with their door open and refused to close it, and also refused my offer of a white noise machine that I brought along, as I could also just use the app on my phone.

Both before the visit and after the first night, we explained our routine and that the crying would only last for a few minutes during the diaper change. Each night, MIL would be walking down the hall toward our bedroom as I went to the bathroom, and I would whisper to her all is well, go back to bed, we've got this.

Finally, on the last night, I had had more than enough of MIL prowling around, speaking loudly and just generally being a nuisance. So when I was walking down the hall, as she loudly asked "What's wrong? What's going on?" I simply brushed past her, said nothing, went to the bathroom, and ignored her again on my way back to the bedroom.

She is now pissed at me, and I'm just as pissed at her. DH is sticking up for me, saying "Mom, we kept telling you it was fine, we asked that you close your door and even offered you a white noise machine." He then added (without asking me) that we won't be visiting again until baby is solidly STTN, that they can visit us if they want because they'll be in our finished basement guest suite and won't hear us upstairs if there is noise in the night.

WWYD?

Expand on the bolded, please.

Did you intentionally bump into her or what do you mean by brushing past her? I hope not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We drove 5+ hours to visit ILs with our 4mo baby over Thanksgiving. We stayed in a back bedroom and were as quiet as possible, but of course baby cried a bit at night, especially in a new environment.

EVERY single night, MIL would get up and prowl around and full-voiced ask questions and "check in" when we told her all was under control and to go back to bed. Our routine is that DH changes the diaper while I go to the restroom, and then I breastfeed while DH goes to the restroom and goes back to sleep, then I put the baby down and go back to sleep. The most the crying ever lasted was four minutes. And baby only woke once each night.

ILs sleep with their door open and refused to close it, and also refused my offer of a white noise machine that I brought along, as I could also just use the app on my phone.

Both before the visit and after the first night, we explained our routine and that the crying would only last for a few minutes during the diaper change. Each night, MIL would be walking down the hall toward our bedroom as I went to the bathroom, and I would whisper to her all is well, go back to bed, we've got this.

Finally, on the last night, I had had more than enough of MIL prowling around, speaking loudly and just generally being a nuisance. So when I was walking down the hall, as she loudly asked "What's wrong? What's going on?" I simply brushed past her, said nothing, went to the bathroom, and ignored her again on my way back to the bedroom.

She is now pissed at me, and I'm just as pissed at her. DH is sticking up for me, saying "Mom, we kept telling you it was fine, we asked that you close your door and even offered you a white noise machine." He then added (without asking me) that we won't be visiting again until baby is solidly STTN, that they can visit us if they want because they'll be in our finished basement guest suite and won't hear us upstairs if there is noise in the night.

WWYD?

Expand on the bolded, please.

Did you intentionally bump into her or what do you mean by brushing past her? I hope not.

Yes, and being a nuisance in her own home? You're lucky she didn't throw you out in the middle of the night. She must have the patience of a saint. You on the other hand sound like a complete psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

[Anonymous]

This is way too much getting up in the middle of the night. I have a 3 month old and do none of that. Baby is in bassinet, if it wakes, bring it into bed to nurse. Then we go back to sleep. Baby never cries (grunts and moans- I don’t let it get to a cry), Dh never wakes up. I get going to the bathroom though. By 4 months the routine should be down and pretty seamless. I’m on my 3rd baby too and not great sleepers.

But yeah your mil is crazy and nosy. I also think it’s gross that they have their bedroom door open when guests are there. Dh should tell her to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is way too much getting up in the middle of the night. I have a 3 month old and do none of that. Baby is in bassinet, if it wakes, bring it into bed to nurse. Then we go back to sleep. Baby never cries (grunts and moans- I don’t let it get to a cry), Dh never wakes up. I get going to the bathroom though. By 4 months the routine should be down and pretty seamless. I’m on my 3rd baby too and not great sleepers.

But yeah your mil is crazy and nosy. I also think it’s gross that they have their bedroom door open when guests are there. Dh should tell her to stop.

Oh and no diaper changes unless it’s poop. Which developmentally a 4 month old would be growing out of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

I will bet you vastly underestimate how long the baby cried or how loud it was. My kids are still little but I think I will spring into action for years and years. I think once you're a parent you permanently sleep with one eye open on high alert. I doubt I could ignore a baby crying in my house even if it wasn't mine. Cut her some slack, you're being very aggressive and hostile. Which is probably irritating and hurtful to her, in her own home, mind you.