MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Walking around your own house isn’t “prowling”.

Ugh no. It is if you expect attention and pleasantries from me in the middle of the night.

I will never forget the time that my husband and drive 12hours with my two toddlers to visit my parents. The night before we left I ran the dryer with the last load of laundry at 8pm. My mom said it was too loud and I needed to turn it off. She was serious. So I had to wake up early and finish drying our clothes before we left and drove for hours. Never again. I decided right then and there that I would never make that drive or such a big effort to see them. (There we’re other examples of very inconsiderate behavior but this one really annoyed me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is way too much getting up in the middle of the night. I have a 3 month old and do none of that. Baby is in bassinet, if it wakes, bring it into bed to nurse. Then we go back to sleep. Baby never cries (grunts and moans- I don’t let it get to a cry), Dh never wakes up. I get going to the bathroom though. By 4 months the routine should be down and pretty seamless. I’m on my 3rd baby too and not great sleepers.

But yeah your mil is crazy and nosy. I also think it’s gross that they have their bedroom door open when guests are there. Dh should tell her to stop.

Oh and no diaper changes unless it’s poop. Which developmentally a 4 month old would be growing out of.

I'm not OP, and actually not even on OP's side, but even I can say your 2 posts are probably the least helpful responses I've ever read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, sounds like you were the rude one.

Nope, not after several nights of telling her all was well and that they would handle it, AND telling them even before the visit that all would be well and they would handle it. Nope, continuing to bother people when they have a situation totally in hand is not helpful, it's just trying to get attention and "be important." Get your validation elsewhere, and leave parents of babies alone.

Why must you assume the worst of her? Are you that hateful and sad with your life that you assume others are as bad as you? OP, she likely just wants to be involved. Rather than tell her you got it, ask her if she'd like to hold the baby after you're done feeding? Or if she would mind changing the diaper while you go to the bathroom. Wanting to be involved doesn't mean she's trying to be important - it may mean she loves the baby.

NOPE, that just makes life harder for tired mom and dad! They have their routine, they've got it. Grandma can hold the baby during the day and can be helpful during the day. Parents have already said that they don't want "help" in the middle of the night. It was made clear several times. Anyone who wants to "help" parents of babies can start by listening to what the parents say will actually be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I stayed with a friend with a newborn and it was torture to stay in my room and hear the baby cry—I so wanted to get up and help/hold the baby. It’s nature, op. We are wired to respond to infant cries. You explaining your routine doesn’t negate that. You could have just say shhh, she’s going back to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, sounds like you were the rude one.

Nope, not after several nights of telling her all was well and that they would handle it, AND telling them even before the visit that all would be well and they would handle it. Nope, continuing to bother people when they have a situation totally in hand is not helpful, it's just trying to get attention and "be important." Get your validation elsewhere, and leave parents of babies alone.

Why must you assume the worst of her? Are you that hateful and sad with your life that you assume others are as bad as you? OP, she likely just wants to be involved. Rather than tell her you got it, ask her if she'd like to hold the baby after you're done feeding? Or if she would mind changing the diaper while you go to the bathroom. Wanting to be involved doesn't mean she's trying to be important - it may mean she loves the baby.

NOPE, that just makes life harder for tired mom and dad! They have their routine, they've got it. Grandma can hold the baby during the day and can be helpful during the day. Parents have already said that they don't want "help" in the middle of the night. It was made clear several times. Anyone who wants to "help" parents of babies can start by listening to what the parents say will actually be helpful.

Mom and dad need to figure out a routine where they BOTH aren't getting up together in the middle of the night to tend to 1 baby.

[Anonymous]

You clearly just want people to hold your hand and agree that your MIL is just soooooo mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We drove 5+ hours to visit ILs with our 4mo baby over Thanksgiving. We stayed in a back bedroom and were as quiet as possible, but of course baby cried a bit at night, especially in a new environment.

EVERY single night, MIL would get up and prowl around and full-voiced ask questions and "check in" when we told her all was under control and to go back to bed. Our routine is that DH changes the diaper while I go to the restroom, and then I breastfeed while DH goes to the restroom and goes back to sleep, then I put the baby down and go back to sleep. The most the crying ever lasted was four minutes. And baby only woke once each night.

ILs sleep with their door open and refused to close it, and also refused my offer of a white noise machine that I brought along, as I could also just use the app on my phone.

Both before the visit and after the first night, we explained our routine and that the crying would only last for a few minutes during the diaper change. Each night, MIL would be walking down the hall toward our bedroom as I went to the bathroom, and I would whisper to her all is well, go back to bed, we've got this.

Finally, on the last night, I had had more than enough of MIL prowling around, speaking loudly and just generally being a nuisance. So when I was walking down the hall, as she loudly asked "What's wrong? What's going on?" I simply brushed past her, said nothing, went to the bathroom, and ignored her again on my way back to the bedroom.

She is now pissed at me, and I'm just as pissed at her. DH is sticking up for me, saying "Mom, we kept telling you it was fine, we asked that you close your door and even offered you a white noise machine." He then added (without asking me) that we won't be visiting again until baby is solidly STTN, that they can visit us if they want because they'll be in our finished basement guest suite and won't hear us upstairs if there is noise in the night.

WWYD?

Expand on the bolded, please.

Did you intentionally bump into her or what do you mean by brushing past her? I hope not.

OP here. I made no physical contact with her. I meant to convey that I just walked on by and didn't acknowledge her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

Not OP, but NO. No one needs to have a conversation with me at 3am or prolong the whole episode by trying to “help” change the diaper and taking 5 times as long and waking the baby up fully. No no no and no.

Agree. It is insane to try to interact with someone in the middle of the night when you’ve been warned not to engage repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed with a friend with a newborn and it was torture to stay in my room and hear the baby cry—I so wanted to get up and help/hold the baby. It’s nature, op. We are wired to respond to infant cries. You explaining your routine doesn’t negate that. You could have just say shhh, she’s going back to sleep.

+1. You can't tune it out and there's probably some biological drive to want to make the crying stop. OP needs to chill, the baby will outgrow this stage you she will become more confident over time. I think part of the overreaction is feeling like the MIL doesn't think she's handling it well so she's defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We drove 5+ hours to visit ILs with our 4mo baby over Thanksgiving. We stayed in a back bedroom and were as quiet as possible, but of course baby cried a bit at night, especially in a new environment.

EVERY single night, MIL would get up and prowl around and full-voiced ask questions and "check in" when we told her all was under control and to go back to bed. Our routine is that DH changes the diaper while I go to the restroom, and then I breastfeed while DH goes to the restroom and goes back to sleep, then I put the baby down and go back to sleep. The most the crying ever lasted was four minutes. And baby only woke once each night.

ILs sleep with their door open and refused to close it, and also refused my offer of a white noise machine that I brought along, as I could also just use the app on my phone.

Both before the visit and after the first night, we explained our routine and that the crying would only last for a few minutes during the diaper change. Each night, MIL would be walking down the hall toward our bedroom as I went to the bathroom, and I would whisper to her all is well, go back to bed, we've got this.

Finally, on the last night, I had had more than enough of MIL prowling around, speaking loudly and just generally being a nuisance. So when I was walking down the hall, as she loudly asked "What's wrong? What's going on?" I simply brushed past her, said nothing, went to the bathroom, and ignored her again on my way back to the bedroom.

She is now pissed at me, and I'm just as pissed at her. DH is sticking up for me, saying "Mom, we kept telling you it was fine, we asked that you close your door and even offered you a white noise machine." He then added (without asking me) that we won't be visiting again until baby is solidly STTN, that they can visit us if they want because they'll be in our finished basement guest suite and won't hear us upstairs if there is noise in the night.

WWYD?

I think you made a big deal over nothing. MIL was most likely excited to have the new baby in the house and wanted to make sure you had help. Just say you are sleep deprived and apologize if you were rude last night. Pick your battles.

I agree 1000 percent. I feel so sorry for the MILs of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

You and DH both told her multiple times. If she ignores that, that is on her. Just because you're a grandmother doesn't give you the option to ignore parents' information and requests.

I think your DH handled it perfectly.

I have no idea of what MIL is like, but some people consistently do what they want regardless because no one ever calls them out on it. You're right to set boundaries now.

[Anonymous]

Cut them off. If that doesn't work, divorce is your next best option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut them off. If that doesn't work, divorce is your next best option.

Divorce will give the MIL the 1:1 time with the baby without the pesky mother in the way, I don't think that's what she really wants out of that

[Anonymous]

This is a tough situation. I wonder if MIL has anxiety. Apparently the repeated reassurance from OP and her H were not enough. She must do what she must do. On the other hand, it's very tiring to deal with this night after night, when MIL's loud voice actually makes the situation worse, not better.

I think the only solution is to stay in a hotel. Maybe move out after day 2 or day 3. If MIL gets offended, that's entirely on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, sounds like you were the rude one.

Nope, not after several nights of telling her all was well and that they would handle it, AND telling them even before the visit that all would be well and they would handle it. Nope, continuing to bother people when they have a situation totally in hand is not helpful, it's just trying to get attention and "be important." Get your validation elsewhere, and leave parents of babies alone.

Why must you assume the worst of her? Are you that hateful and sad with your life that you assume others are as bad as you? OP, she likely just wants to be involved. Rather than tell her you got it, ask her if she'd like to hold the baby after you're done feeding? Or if she would mind changing the diaper while you go to the bathroom. Wanting to be involved doesn't mean she's trying to be important - it may mean she loves the baby.

NOPE, that just makes life harder for tired mom and dad! They have their routine, they've got it. Grandma can hold the baby during the day and can be helpful during the day. Parents have already said that they don't want "help" in the middle of the night. It was made clear several times. Anyone who wants to "help" parents of babies can start by listening to what the parents say will actually be helpful.

+1. It's obviously not remotely helpful to prolong what should be 15 minutes of wakefulness for the parents to change diaper and nurse by barging in and making noise and offering to "help" (by doing what, exactly?). Nobody needs to be "involved" with these simple tasks in the middle of the night. I'm on my third baby and generally don't even involve my husband, but in OP's case they already have two adults doing what needs to be done.