I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. Our immediate neighborhood has one of these (you nailed the description) and it makes me want to move. I haven’t found too many people to be friends with, or they generally move away.

OP here. Our neighborhood is really diverse so it kind of amazes me how often I wind up in proximity to women like this but it pretty much always happens. Right now my elementary-age kid attends a school (local public) where two such women are engaged in a weird battle for control of the PTA and one of them keeps trying to adopt me to her side even though I'm not super into the PTA and it's so uncomfortable and weird. I am getting tired of just always plastering a smile on my face at school events and then trying to duck out early to avoid running into either of them or winding up in a conversation with another parent who wants to discuss this dumb battle. I just don't care. But it also means it's hard to make friends at the school because so much revolves around these women who suck all the air out of every room.

You don't have to befriend moms at your kids' school. This is an easy problem to solve. Be friendly but don't be friends. You have to change the tone you are giving off.

Super easy to not join the pta. I am on the pta and most people decline.

I joined because my very nice friend was president last year. This year the president is like one of the moms OP is describing. I just see her at pta meetings and some birthday parties and don’t hang out socially as adults.

This is what gives me pause about OP’s post. It is easy to avoid these people and just not engage with any of this. If you are drawn into it then you are part of it so not sure what to say. Examine why you feel drawn to it OP is my advice.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Actually it completely does. As evidenced by the amount of work you put into copying OP’s post, complete with overly familiar, not funny references (stage 5 clinger, SWF).

Your post isn’t clever and the OP does describe you. You were triggered for this reason.

LOL, wasn’t hard to copy and paste. I did add paragraph breaks because OP “who works in comms” doesn’t know how to use them. The only thing difficult about copying her writing style was that I would never be so long-winded.

So if you don't feel personally attacked by this thread topic, you are spending your Saturday posting extensively in this thread because... why?

No one would get this invested in this topic if their actual response to the OP was "huh, I have never encountered that, how strange." You are responding defensively.

And why shouldn’t I defend the women OP is trying to ridicule or diminish? Sure, I’m standing up for women whose crime is seemingly to exist, and be more popular, essential, successful and relevant than OP.

I thought your claim is that such women don't exist.

And why would anyone "popular, essential, successful, and relevant" need to be defended in a weekend thread on DCUM? The woman you describe would be 100% fine without your intervention.

They’re human, too, and don’t deserve to be shat upon just because OP feels insecure, except when she’s an anonymous keyboard warrior. Because it’s gross that she probably smiles to their face and then spews this jealous, bitter poison.

You were worried for successful, popular women who might stumble upon this thread and apparently take offense, so you thought you should write a screed making fun of people for being fat or friendless to defend them?

You do know the popular girl is not going to befriend you because you stuck up for a hypothetical version of her on some dumb anonymous message board? Right?

You do know that all the women you are so transparently jealous of and resentful of aren’t going to become miserable, bitter shrews like you just because you throw anonymous hate their way? Right?

Of course they won't. It won't impact those women in any way. Some people who struggle with this personality type blew off some steam. The only person melting down here is you, for some reason.

You can obviously aren't a super successful, confident, capable person, or you wouldn't be on this thread throwing a fit. Yet you claim to hate those of us who are jealous of and resent such women. I honestly don't get what your deal is.

I’m participating in a thread that I find interesting, same as you. I’m making counterpoints and arguments, same as you. Are you MAGA? Because the only people I know who characterize discourse they don’t like or agree with as “melting down” are MAGA types. How very interesting.

If I used all caps, or foul language, you may have a point. But no, all I’m doing is…not agreeing with you. And you’re calling that a meltdown. I fin that to be extremely amusing. That’s my “deal”: it amuses me that you can’t handle someone with a different viewpoint.

If you are the person who wrote the lengthy parody of the OP making fun of fat people and people from dysfunctional families, yes, I think you are melting down. That was one of the meanest things I've read on this site in a while. You are punching down.

Accusing me of being MAGA because I disagree with you? That also tracks with your other behavior I'm this thread.

No, I didn’t write the parody. But I think it’s very interesting that OP’s post was somehow just “venting” but any pushback on it is people being horrible.

I didn’t accuse you of being MAGA because you disagree with me. I accused you of being MAGA because those are seriously the only people I know who characterize disagreement as “melting down” and “throwing a fit.” If the shoe fits…

MAGA aren’t the only people who deflect. Any reasonable person would agree that that evil, vile response to the OP was a meltdown…I am trying to unsee it. It’s interesting that you didn’t write the parody but you seem to defend it. I hope the parody poster (PP) doesn’t have children, can you imagine sending your DC to play in a household with someone or multiple people that think like this and model this mentality with their own children.
? Talk about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors. Is there a fiery inferno burning in PP’s basement? OMG

So you aren’t going to address the fact that you accused someone who disagreed with you as throwing a fit and melting down, when they used neither all caps nor foul language, they simply don’t agree with you. Got it. You don’t apologize or acknowledge when you were wrong. Noted.

PP you are right I apologize your hand-me-down home doesn’t have a basement. So sorry to offend you. I was totally out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. Our immediate neighborhood has one of these (you nailed the description) and it makes me want to move. I haven’t found too many people to be friends with, or they generally move away.

OP here. Our neighborhood is really diverse so it kind of amazes me how often I wind up in proximity to women like this but it pretty much always happens. Right now my elementary-age kid attends a school (local public) where two such women are engaged in a weird battle for control of the PTA and one of them keeps trying to adopt me to her side even though I'm not super into the PTA and it's so uncomfortable and weird. I am getting tired of just always plastering a smile on my face at school events and then trying to duck out early to avoid running into either of them or winding up in a conversation with another parent who wants to discuss this dumb battle. I just don't care. But it also means it's hard to make friends at the school because so much revolves around these women who suck all the air out of every room.

You don't have to befriend moms at your kids' school. This is an easy problem to solve. Be friendly but don't be friends. You have to change the tone you are giving off.

Super easy to not join the pta. I am on the pta and most people decline.

I joined because my very nice friend was president last year. This year the president is like one of the moms OP is describing. I just see her at pta meetings and some birthday parties and don’t hang out socially as adults.

This is what gives me pause about OP’s post. It is easy to avoid these people and just not engage with any of this. If you are drawn into it then you are part of it so not sure what to say. Examine why you feel drawn to it OP is my advice.

+1. There are a very few women that I know who do hold some positions of influence in the school or the HOA or the club or whatever, but I just…don’t engage with them that much. And when I do, I’m polite. I volunteer a bit but not over the top. Yes, sometimes when I volunteer for the school musical, I don’t love the way the committee chair is doing this or that. But I sure am glad other people stepped up to be committee chairs, because I sure as heck didn’t want to. I do my part and don’t engage with anything that is unpleasant. Some women aren’t super friendly, but that doesn’t mean they are manipulative, evil witches whose every waking moment is devoted to making my life miserable. I leave them to it.

My goodness, OP. What a diatribe about people easily avoided or simply kept at arm’s length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Actually it completely does. As evidenced by the amount of work you put into copying OP’s post, complete with overly familiar, not funny references (stage 5 clinger, SWF).

Your post isn’t clever and the OP does describe you. You were triggered for this reason.

LOL, wasn’t hard to copy and paste. I did add paragraph breaks because OP “who works in comms” doesn’t know how to use them. The only thing difficult about copying her writing style was that I would never be so long-winded.

So if you don't feel personally attacked by this thread topic, you are spending your Saturday posting extensively in this thread because... why?

No one would get this invested in this topic if their actual response to the OP was "huh, I have never encountered that, how strange." You are responding defensively.

And why shouldn’t I defend the women OP is trying to ridicule or diminish? Sure, I’m standing up for women whose crime is seemingly to exist, and be more popular, essential, successful and relevant than OP.

I thought your claim is that such women don't exist.

And why would anyone "popular, essential, successful, and relevant" need to be defended in a weekend thread on DCUM? The woman you describe would be 100% fine without your intervention.

They’re human, too, and don’t deserve to be shat upon just because OP feels insecure, except when she’s an anonymous keyboard warrior. Because it’s gross that she probably smiles to their face and then spews this jealous, bitter poison.

You were worried for successful, popular women who might stumble upon this thread and apparently take offense, so you thought you should write a screed making fun of people for being fat or friendless to defend them?

You do know the popular girl is not going to befriend you because you stuck up for a hypothetical version of her on some dumb anonymous message board? Right?

You do know that all the women you are so transparently jealous of and resentful of aren’t going to become miserable, bitter shrews like you just because you throw anonymous hate their way? Right?

Of course they won't. It won't impact those women in any way. Some people who struggle with this personality type blew off some steam. The only person melting down here is you, for some reason.

You can obviously aren't a super successful, confident, capable person, or you wouldn't be on this thread throwing a fit. Yet you claim to hate those of us who are jealous of and resent such women. I honestly don't get what your deal is.

I’m participating in a thread that I find interesting, same as you. I’m making counterpoints and arguments, same as you. Are you MAGA? Because the only people I know who characterize discourse they don’t like or agree with as “melting down” are MAGA types. How very interesting.

If I used all caps, or foul language, you may have a point. But no, all I’m doing is…not agreeing with you. And you’re calling that a meltdown. I fin that to be extremely amusing. That’s my “deal”: it amuses me that you can’t handle someone with a different viewpoint.

If you are the person who wrote the lengthy parody of the OP making fun of fat people and people from dysfunctional families, yes, I think you are melting down. That was one of the meanest things I've read on this site in a while. You are punching down.

Accusing me of being MAGA because I disagree with you? That also tracks with your other behavior I'm this thread.

No, I didn’t write the parody. But I think it’s very interesting that OP’s post was somehow just “venting” but any pushback on it is people being horrible.

I didn’t accuse you of being MAGA because you disagree with me. I accused you of being MAGA because those are seriously the only people I know who characterize disagreement as “melting down” and “throwing a fit.” If the shoe fits…

MAGA aren’t the only people who deflect. Any reasonable person would agree that that evil, vile response to the OP was a meltdown…I am trying to unsee it. It’s interesting that you didn’t write the parody but you seem to defend it. I hope the parody poster (PP) doesn’t have children, can you imagine sending your DC to play in a household with someone or multiple people that think like this and model this mentality with their own children.
? Talk about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors. Is there a fiery inferno burning in PP’s basement? OMG

So you aren’t going to address the fact that you accused someone who disagreed with you as throwing a fit and melting down, when they used neither all caps nor foul language, they simply don’t agree with you. Got it. You don’t apologize or acknowledge when you were wrong. Noted.

PP you are right I apologize your hand-me-down home doesn’t have a basement. So sorry to offend you. I was totally out of line.

Stay activated! Stay bothered. I’m tip-toeing through the tulips of your easily addled brain. Love ratting that cage. Keep crashing out. Love that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happens is sh*t needs to get done, so people ask people who have done the sh*t before successfully. Are they the nicest women you’d want to be friends with? Maybe not always. But they are there, doing things that benefit the community. Do they get a big head, are they rich enough that they have time to spare? Yes, often yes. This is the price of asking the quintessential PTA Mom or Church Lady to run things.

These women are rarely asked.

So why are others not stepping in and taking charge before they "maneuver" their way in? Others don't want to do take charge. It's similar to politics. A certain kind of personality is drawn to politics. People criticize them but don't want to jump in.

This is a good point and I need to remind myself of it personally. I look at some of the PTA moms as an outsider and frequently feel irritated by their attitudes. But I need to remind myself that they are getting sh** done. I have a special needs child at home and have no bandwidth to contribute to the PTA at my other child’s school. I wish it was different but my reality at home is very difficult. So yeah, I don’t love some personalities but if I’m being honest, these women do a great job and our kids are lucky to be at such an amazing school with cool events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happens is sh*t needs to get done, so people ask people who have done the sh*t before successfully. Are they the nicest women you’d want to be friends with? Maybe not always. But they are there, doing things that benefit the community. Do they get a big head, are they rich enough that they have time to spare? Yes, often yes. This is the price of asking the quintessential PTA Mom or Church Lady to run things.

These women are rarely asked.

Busy women in my tiny neighborhood are always formally asked to run fundraisers or Girl Scout stuff or host a parent party, etc.

No one volunteers for this. Someone suggests it.

Military wives have to host stuff all the time though.

[Anonymous]

I disagree women like this are always easily kept at arm's length. The whole issue with this personality is that they are pushy and that can impact other people. I have worked for a woman like this and I've dealt with one at my kid's school and both times it was pretty annoying to deal with them frequently pushing for personal advantages or stepping on toes or overreaching. It's not a crisis or anything, but it's a difficult personality type.

I don't know this person but one example of someone with this personality who would drive me nuts if our kids were in school together is that mom who was pushing really hard to redshirt her kid in DCPS earlier this year. I remember reading about that, and seeing interviews with her. Obviously people like that exist and sometimes their behavior has negative impacts on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happens is sh*t needs to get done, so people ask people who have done the sh*t before successfully. Are they the nicest women you’d want to be friends with? Maybe not always. But they are there, doing things that benefit the community. Do they get a big head, are they rich enough that they have time to spare? Yes, often yes. This is the price of asking the quintessential PTA Mom or Church Lady to run things.

These women are rarely asked.

So why are others not stepping in and taking charge before they "maneuver" their way in? Others don't want to do take charge. It's similar to politics. A certain kind of personality is drawn to politics. People criticize them but don't want to jump in.

Someone else be proactive for a community event? Gasp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happens is sh*t needs to get done, so people ask people who have done the sh*t before successfully. Are they the nicest women you’d want to be friends with? Maybe not always. But they are there, doing things that benefit the community. Do they get a big head, are they rich enough that they have time to spare? Yes, often yes. This is the price of asking the quintessential PTA Mom or Church Lady to run things.

These women are rarely asked.

So why are others not stepping in and taking charge before they "maneuver" their way in? Others don't want to do take charge. It's similar to politics. A certain kind of personality is drawn to politics. People criticize them but don't want to jump in.

Perhaps this is the case in some situations. Maybe with a PTA where leadership is totally volunteer based and really is a lot of work that most people don't want to do.

I was in a work situation once, though, where the person in charge was definitely manipulative and controlling and I know many people on staff (including me) had very real frustrations with the situation. There were several people who were ready and willing to take on more responsibility but the Queen B hated delegating and tended to view those people as threatening to her power, so they were sidelined and in some places pushed out. So it's not always the case that no one else is willing to do the work or take responsibility. Sometimes they aren't given opportunities.

After I left that job, I know that woman ultimately wound up doing something so egregious that she had to be asked to leave, and the people who replaced her were definitely more functional and less manipulative/controlling. But it took her taking something waaaaaay too far to get to that point -- she made things very unpleasant for many people, including me, for years before that finally happened.

This was for actual work deliverables!!?

Or some internal thing like the office holiday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree women like this are always easily kept at arm's length. The whole issue with this personality is that they are pushy and that can impact other people. I have worked for a woman like this and I've dealt with one at my kid's school and both times it was pretty annoying to deal with them frequently pushing for personal advantages or stepping on toes or overreaching. It's not a crisis or anything, but it's a difficult personality type.

I don't know this person but one example of someone with this personality who would drive me nuts if our kids were in school together is that mom who was pushing really hard to redshirt her kid in DCPS earlier this year. I remember reading about that, and seeing interviews with her. Obviously people like that exist and sometimes their behavior has negative impacts on others.

Oh no, you were annoyed? People are sometimes difficult?

I love that you probably have, like, a “Rebel Girls” book that’s all about RBG, Rosa Parks, Sally Ride, Susan B. Anthony, and other annoying-ass women who wouldn’t stop being so damn pushy all the time. We encourage our girls to be assertive, invested, dedicated, determined, and outspoken, but then when women in our life actually do that, those pushy broads need to STFU, sit down and stop taking up so much space. How dare they want to influence their communities and advocate for their own best interest, and the best interests of their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happens is sh*t needs to get done, so people ask people who have done the sh*t before successfully. Are they the nicest women you’d want to be friends with? Maybe not always. But they are there, doing things that benefit the community. Do they get a big head, are they rich enough that they have time to spare? Yes, often yes. This is the price of asking the quintessential PTA Mom or Church Lady to run things.

These women are rarely asked.

So why are others not stepping in and taking charge before they "maneuver" their way in? Others don't want to do take charge. It's similar to politics. A certain kind of personality is drawn to politics. People criticize them but don't want to jump in.

Someone else be proactive for a community event? Gasp.

Often other people don't step in because they don't want the event.

Our PTA organizes so many events throughout the year, I feel like it's too much. It becomes burdensome as a parent to participate because it seems like there is always something coming up that requires contributions and participation. My kids want to go to the event because it's talked up at school and their friends will be there, but for me it just means we're going to have to organize a weeknight around something at the school. I know some people love going but we don't -- I'm not super into small talk with other parents and on a weeknight my focus is on dinner, making sure kids do homework and take showers, and having a normal bedtime. I resent having those routines disrupted multiple times a month for school events.

The the school needs chaperones or volunteers to help with stuff around the school, my spouse and almost always volunteer. But we are not event people. I don't volunteer for these events because I don't like them. And I'm not particularly grateful to the people who organize them because they mostly just create obligation for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Actually it completely does. As evidenced by the amount of work you put into copying OP’s post, complete with overly familiar, not funny references (stage 5 clinger, SWF).

Your post isn’t clever and the OP does describe you. You were triggered for this reason.

LOL, wasn’t hard to copy and paste. I did add paragraph breaks because OP “who works in comms” doesn’t know how to use them. The only thing difficult about copying her writing style was that I would never be so long-winded.

So if you don't feel personally attacked by this thread topic, you are spending your Saturday posting extensively in this thread because... why?

No one would get this invested in this topic if their actual response to the OP was "huh, I have never encountered that, how strange." You are responding defensively.

And why shouldn’t I defend the women OP is trying to ridicule or diminish? Sure, I’m standing up for women whose crime is seemingly to exist, and be more popular, essential, successful and relevant than OP.

I thought your claim is that such women don't exist.

And why would anyone "popular, essential, successful, and relevant" need to be defended in a weekend thread on DCUM? The woman you describe would be 100% fine without your intervention.

I don’t care what anyone’s claim is.

I find people like Op claiming to know everything about someone’s childhood, marriage, spouse, kids, and academic history to be beyond pretentious and stupid.

So that’s when and where I stopped taking Op seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happens is sh*t needs to get done, so people ask people who have done the sh*t before successfully. Are they the nicest women you’d want to be friends with? Maybe not always. But they are there, doing things that benefit the community. Do they get a big head, are they rich enough that they have time to spare? Yes, often yes. This is the price of asking the quintessential PTA Mom or Church Lady to run things.

These women are rarely asked.

So why are others not stepping in and taking charge before they "maneuver" their way in? Others don't want to do take charge. It's similar to politics. A certain kind of personality is drawn to politics. People criticize them but don't want to jump in.

Someone else be proactive for a community event? Gasp.

Often other people don't step in because they don't want the event.

Our PTA organizes so many events throughout the year, I feel like it's too much. It becomes burdensome as a parent to participate because it seems like there is always something coming up that requires contributions and participation. My kids want to go to the event because it's talked up at school and their friends will be there, but for me it just means we're going to have to organize a weeknight around something at the school. I know some people love going but we don't -- I'm not super into small talk with other parents and on a weeknight my focus is on dinner, making sure kids do homework and take showers, and having a normal bedtime. I resent having those routines disrupted multiple times a month for school events.

The the school needs chaperones or volunteers to help with stuff around the school, my spouse and almost always volunteer. But we are not event people. I don't volunteer for these events because I don't like them. And I'm not particularly grateful to the people who organize them because they mostly just create obligation for me.

Hi, PP. It’s you, from the future, when you got wise enough to simply not do the things that you deem are “too much.” Wow, our life is sure easier now that we just do what we want to do, and don’t do what we don’t want to do, knowing that the only obligation to be in the PTA is the $5 membership fee.

We feel so free now that we know what the words “requirements” and “obligations” really, actually mean, and that those words don’t appy to 99.5% of the opportunities that are presented to us in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree women like this are always easily kept at arm's length. The whole issue with this personality is that they are pushy and that can impact other people. I have worked for a woman like this and I've dealt with one at my kid's school and both times it was pretty annoying to deal with them frequently pushing for personal advantages or stepping on toes or overreaching. It's not a crisis or anything, but it's a difficult personality type.

I don't know this person but one example of someone with this personality who would drive me nuts if our kids were in school together is that mom who was pushing really hard to redshirt her kid in DCPS earlier this year. I remember reading about that, and seeing interviews with her. Obviously people like that exist and sometimes their behavior has negative impacts on others.

Oh no, you were annoyed? People are sometimes difficult?

I love that you probably have, like, a “Rebel Girls” book that’s all about RBG, Rosa Parks, Sally Ride, Susan B. Anthony, and other annoying-ass women who wouldn’t stop being so damn pushy all the time. We encourage our girls to be assertive, invested, dedicated, determined, and outspoken, but then when women in our life actually do that, those pushy broads need to STFU, sit down and stop taking up so much space. How dare they want to influence their communities and advocate for their own best interest, and the best interests of their kids?

Uh, if you can't tell the difference between pushing for civil rights and pushing for your kid to get special treatment at their public school, I don't know what to say. No one here is complaining about Rosa Parks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happens is sh*t needs to get done, so people ask people who have done the sh*t before successfully. Are they the nicest women you’d want to be friends with? Maybe not always. But they are there, doing things that benefit the community. Do they get a big head, are they rich enough that they have time to spare? Yes, often yes. This is the price of asking the quintessential PTA Mom or Church Lady to run things.

These women are rarely asked.

So why are others not stepping in and taking charge before they "maneuver" their way in? Others don't want to do take charge. It's similar to politics. A certain kind of personality is drawn to politics. People criticize them but don't want to jump in.

no.
Politics is overpromising things to people so they like you and vote for you. Rarely is it about governing or managing a budget, set of teams, and compromising.