I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

[Anonymous]

I've lived in DC for over a decade now and I keep winding up in situations where I am in close proximity to a very specific type of woman: type A, overachiever, from a doting family (think super involved grandparents, parents who always told her she was smarter and better than other kids), married to a high earning man (usually a somewhat bro-y guy who is easy going but kind of dense and boring). Very smart to the point of being manipulative in social settings. Can gossip/talk $hit about other women in a way that never comes off as gossipy but accomplishes the same goal. Forceful (which I might say is a euphemism for pushy, but she and others would describe her as forceful or "a force of nature"). Maneuvers into positions of authority in every setting -- work, volunteer orgs, PTA, neighborhood, her regular barre studio, a wedding party, the dog park. Has two kinds of friends: (1) frenemies, who are women who are just like her against whom she competes for control of things, but they are surface friends and they secretly do not like each other, and (2) minions, women who look up to her and sing her praises at every turn and whom she is often "helping" in ways that some people (me) would find condescending and over-involved.

Not here to discuss whether this type of person is good or bad. It's a type. There are many in DC, and I would like to minimize my exposure to them. I have found that once I am in a community with this sort of person, it is hard to get her to ignore me or leave me alone, and she either tries to adopt me as a minion (most common, I really hate this, I don't want to be someone's acolyte and I really, really hate being told how to handle my life so it just doesn't work) or she will target me as a threat and start talking negatively about me behind my back. Directness doesn't work because they will either just steamroll over your direct request ("please stop suggesting jobs for me, I am not job hunting" and then they keep doing it because they are convinced you don't know what is best for you) or will attempt to manipulate and maneuver around it.

So I give up. I just want one place where I can be social and have friends in DC where there isn't a woman like this. If this is you, where do you NOT go. Or have any of you found a secret place where these women aren't? I just want to be free. I am tired. Would moving away from DC help? If so, where?

[Anonymous]

Say what?

[Anonymous]

I'd say you probably won't find that lady at a Ren Faire.
Or your local Unitarian church

[Anonymous]

haha +1 to the Unitarian Church (All Souls) and truly none of these women there

Where to NOT spend time: hanging out with lawyers, anyone who does PR, lobbyists or Hill types

Yes to nonprofits, making friends with former Peace Corps volunteers. Don't laugh, but I began to love living in DC when I escaped the Hill bubble I was in and made friends with a bunch of RPCVs. Career Feds, think tankers (but they have other obnoxious tendencies) or anyone in a mission-driven career are also all over DC in droves.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live? You have to hang out with people a level below your own income level. We haven't moved out of our starter home for this reason. I want to HAVE money, not be around other people with money. Most of them are exactly like you describe.

[Anonymous]

People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. Our immediate neighborhood has one of these (you nailed the description) and it makes me want to move. I haven’t found too many people to be friends with, or they generally move away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Lol, found one.

[Anonymous]

Who is living in your head and why, Op.

What a weirdly specific rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is living in your head and why, Op.

What a weirdly specific rant.

Weirdly specific and yet I immediately thought of almost 10 women I know in DC who fit it, to a tee. Down to the doting parents and bro-y husband. "Forceful" is definitely a euphemism.

[Anonymous]

Someone revive the "bro dad wives" thread and move this over there. Lol
In answer to OP, no, these women are literally everywhere. Even trailer parks have their queen bees.

[Anonymous]

Literally all female managers at my prior government contracting job were like that. In my view, you can counter it by being extremely confident and behaving exact same way with her. She will consider you an equal and back off. Try to "take the lead" and mirror her. They all hate each other, yes. But this is the only way you can protect your self esteem and survive in this environment.

I tried to grey wall but they are just really invasive and would consider it as weakness, and continue gossip, plotting behind your back, invading your space and personal boundaries with "useful" suggestions and attempts to micromanage.

This is the quintessential "DC woman" type. I don't know how husbands survive with them.

I only found my inner peace after moving to Midwest. Men as bit...es here but women are fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. Our immediate neighborhood has one of these (you nailed the description) and it makes me want to move. I haven’t found too many people to be friends with, or they generally move away.

OP here. Our neighborhood is really diverse so it kind of amazes me how often I wind up in proximity to women like this but it pretty much always happens. Right now my elementary-age kid attends a school (local public) where two such women are engaged in a weird battle for control of the PTA and one of them keeps trying to adopt me to her side even though I'm not super into the PTA and it's so uncomfortable and weird. I am getting tired of just always plastering a smile on my face at school events and then trying to duck out early to avoid running into either of them or winding up in a conversation with another parent who wants to discuss this dumb battle. I just don't care. But it also means it's hard to make friends at the school because so much revolves around these women who suck all the air out of every room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say you probably won't find that lady at a Ren Faire.
Or your local Unitarian church

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

FOUND ONE!