I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately these women and a variety of prototypes of these women are everywhere. And there are plenty of young girls like these too.

For me, I attend to attract these type of women. I am nice, empathetic and a good listener. I realized I was either being put in a "therapist" type role or a dumping of childcare type role. Or at work, people would talk over me. My job is comprised of 99% women. It's a very lateral type job with not huge opportunities for advancement. These women are terrible gossips, lots of social mongering but are nice individually or even small groups (with a good mix of people not other Queen B's).

I am friendly but I have cleaned house of many of these people. I don't have time to be everyone's sounding board especially because these people never listen to me if I have an issue. I now grey rock and block.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've lived in DC for over a decade now and I keep winding up in situations where I am in close proximity to a very specific type of woman: type A, overachiever, from a doting family (think super involved grandparents, parents who always told her she was smarter and better than other kids), married to a high earning man (usually a somewhat bro-y guy who is easy going but kind of dense and boring). Very smart to the point of being manipulative in social settings. Can gossip/talk $hit about other women in a way that never comes off as gossipy but accomplishes the same goal. Forceful (which I might say is a euphemism for pushy, but she and others would describe her as forceful or "a force of nature"). Maneuvers into positions of authority in every setting -- work, volunteer orgs, PTA, neighborhood, her regular barre studio, a wedding party, the dog park. Has two kinds of friends: (1) frenemies, who are women who are just like her against whom she competes for control of things, but they are surface friends and they secretly do not like each other, and (2) minions, women who look up to her and sing her praises at every turn and whom she is often "helping" in ways that some people (me) would find condescending and over-involved.

Not here to discuss whether this type of person is good or bad. It's a type. There are many in DC, and I would like to minimize my exposure to them. I have found that once I am in a community with this sort of person, it is hard to get her to ignore me or leave me alone, and she either tries to adopt me as a minion (most common, I really hate this, I don't want to be someone's acolyte and I really, really hate being told how to handle my life so it just doesn't work) or she will target me as a threat and start talking negatively about me behind my back. Directness doesn't work because they will either just steamroll over your direct request ("please stop suggesting jobs for me, I am not job hunting" and then they keep doing it because they are convinced you don't know what is best for you) or will attempt to manipulate and maneuver around it.

So I give up. I just want one place where I can be social and have friends in DC where there isn't a woman like this. If this is you, where do you NOT go. Or have any of you found a secret place where these women aren't? I just want to be free. I am tired. Would moving away from DC help? If so, where?

Go to a Rust Belt city/town in western PA or eastern Ohio. Deer Hunter-type place. Johnstown, Clairton, Altoona, Steubenville…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t actually know anyone like that. But we’re kind of middle class.

OP here. We are not "kind of" middle class. We are middle class. We own a tiny home we bought for under 500k when rates were really low and cannot afford to fix it up or to move. We have extremely normal jobs with no power or prestige. Public schools, modest backgrounds. I work in a field with a lot of jobs in the DC area due to the federal government and all the universities, which is how we wound up here, but it's not a glamorous field at all.

My perception is that a lot of the people I encounter like this only make slightly more than we do, but either have a spouse making a lot or have money from family. We don't live in NW DC or one of the pricy suburbs. I assume this issue is even worse in those communities, but I'll never find out because we could never afford to live there, nor will we ever send our kids to any of these elite privates (or any private school) or get them involved in any super expensive EC. But even in our very middle class existence, I encounter people like this a lot.

This kind of shocks me. Your post sounds like you are upper middle class. I am the poster who has lived here since 1999. My kids are elementary and middle school. I am divorced. My ex's (our former) home is worth 1.3 and mine is worth a little over $1 million. Ex and I independently are "the millionaries next door" (not flashy). I have never met any of these women that you describe, but honestly my life is only work and kids and I work more than the average person. Be polite and don't be friends. Focus on your kids (and/or work); there is no reason to engage with these types of people.

The PP knows the other families makes far more $$ because the wives chose wisely: there is no virtue in marrying down or choosing a man who doesn’t earn well over six figures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately these women and a variety of prototypes of these women are everywhere. And there are plenty of young girls like these too.

For me, I attend to attract these type of women. I am nice, empathetic and a good listener. I realized I was either being put in a "therapist" type role or a dumping of childcare type role. Or at work, people would talk over me. My job is comprised of 99% women. It's a very lateral type job with not huge opportunities for advancement. These women are terrible gossips, lots of social mongering but are nice individually or even small groups (with a good mix of people not other Queen B's).

I am friendly but I have cleaned house of many of these people. I don't have time to be everyone's sounding board especially because these people never listen to me if I have an issue. I now grey rock and block.

Therapist role is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

There is an amazing version of this woman as a character in kimmy Schmidt called Deidre - you should watch.

I find them super transparent. They are trying to fill a void and prove something bc they don’t feel good enough. Disagree they got told they are amazing by their parents - I think prob the opposite

[Anonymous]

You sound like a misogynist who dues not know how to make deep, authentic relationships.

All groups have good and bad people.
Stop focusing on the type that rub you the wrong way. It is silly to ask where there is no one like that.

Try joining some groups that are focused on helping local people or advancing social causes (not chichi charity work).

These groups will have leaders (of both genders), and not all may be your cup of tea, but that should not be a requirement for you to pitch in and contribute (rather than judge).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is an amazing version of this woman as a character in kimmy Schmidt called Deidre - you should watch.

I find them super transparent. They are trying to fill a void and prove something bc they don’t feel good enough. Disagree they got told they are amazing by their parents - I think prob the opposite

"Oh Deirdre, I can never tell if you're trying to help me or destroy me!"

"I honestly don't know!"

[Anonymous]

One thing that drives me nuts about this type is they often present themselves as great "problem solvers" or the sort of person who always knows a terrific life hack to make things easier.

But 9 times out of 10, the hack is just "spend more money." And it will be something everyone already knows or can intuit, like that hiring an experienced nanny will be better and more helpful than cobbling together childcare from high school and college age sitters. Yet this woman will breathlessly explain to you how she "discovered" this and now insists on sharing this "tip" with all her friends. This is the stuff that I find insufferable -- the self-congratulations for stuff that isn't impressive at all.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah.. all those women too busy for this have figured it out. Dont engage - find cooler people and your tribe anywhere.

It’s really only a couple of nights a year you are forced into their hive. Just play act to have a bit of fun. Life is short:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds exhausting. I'm from a doting family and married to a kind man and volunteer a ton. But I don't have minions or frenemies and gossiping is exhausting and useless. I have a lovely number of neighbor and mom and organization communities where we just try to do things together. None of this "wrestling control". It's enough that we get people to volunteer time to help with anything.

I know tons of women similar to OPs description, but there are exceptions. There is one mom I know who can be described this way but she is legitimately a kind helpful person and her dc is wonderful and was wonderful to my dc when he was struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t actually know anyone like that. But we’re kind of middle class.

OP here. We are not "kind of" middle class. We are middle class. We own a tiny home we bought for under 500k when rates were really low and cannot afford to fix it up or to move. We have extremely normal jobs with no power or prestige. Public schools, modest backgrounds. I work in a field with a lot of jobs in the DC area due to the federal government and all the universities, which is how we wound up here, but it's not a glamorous field at all.

My perception is that a lot of the people I encounter like this only make slightly more than we do, but either have a spouse making a lot or have money from family. We don't live in NW DC or one of the pricy suburbs. I assume this issue is even worse in those communities, but I'll never find out because we could never afford to live there, nor will we ever send our kids to any of these elite privates (or any private school) or get them involved in any super expensive EC. But even in our very middle class existence, I encounter people like this a lot.

This kind of shocks me. Your post sounds like you are upper middle class. I am the poster who has lived here since 1999. My kids are elementary and middle school. I am divorced. My ex's (our former) home is worth 1.3 and mine is worth a little over $1 million. Ex and I independently are "the millionaries next door" (not flashy). I have never met any of these women that you describe, but honestly my life is only work and kids and I work more than the average person. Be polite and don't be friends. Focus on your kids (and/or work); there is no reason to engage with these types of people.

The PP knows the other families makes far more $$ because the wives chose wisely: there is no virtue in marrying down or choosing a man who doesn’t earn well over six figures.

It’s even better to make your own money. But not all women/people are capable.