Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

It's not really stopping caring, it's more like refusing to engage in these emotional circles. An example might be saying, when you're calm, I'll talk with you and refusing to engage when someone is out of control. Then go about your day. You're not trying to change the person (unproductive circle). You're taking control of what you can change - your response, which is you don't want to talk with a raging maniac. It takes a long time and consistency to reset patterns but it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH have space in the house that is considered "his"? Like an office, 1/2 of the bedroom, etc? Dump his stuff there. Let him deal with it. The only time my DH started caring about the mess he made and the piles of junk he amassed was when it was all piled in his space and it finally overwhelmed him. Took 9 months - when my limit is a few days of clutter. I don't really care about his space, I don't have to go in there ever and don't have to see it. But he had no choice but to realize that all of that stuff was his to deal with, and his fault. Nothing I could have said would have ever impressed that upon him.

But really, spend your time being angry about the real things.

For me, a clean house is a "real" thing. Wanting my husband to care about what I care about (such as a clean house) is a "real" thing. In return, I try to care about what he cares about (such as sex more frequently than perhaps I would choose on my own). Thank god my husband understands and tries. I can't get on board with this whole message. I think it's a really bad idea. It's basically for people who are a step or two away from divorce anyway. I don't think people with really strong, good marriages try to detach from their spouses and their spouses needs and wants.

The poster who wrote about this issue admitted there were way, way worse things going on like affairs, financial mishaps, etc. I would care much, much less about wiping a counter down than I would about my spouse cheating. You don't run around dusting while your house is on fire.

Exactly - I wasn't trying to say that a clean house wasn't a real thing, but the PP mentioned infidelity and financial problems being issues in her marriage - in light of that, her anger about the house is misplaced.

I'm the PP with the infidelity, financial issues, etc., on top of the messiness. I know that the infidelity and financial issues are a way bigger deal, but they seem to make the smaller things more annoying and infuriating than they were before. Like why can't he even just pick up his trash after he has created such havoc in other ways - is it too much to ask to just put stuff in the trash? Kind of just an everyday reminder of lack of respect. In any event, my problems are way bigger than the mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

Why do you want to save this marriage? Yes, children model what they see. Staying around is modeling that a person should tolerate that kind of behavior, and that it is acceptable, whether they engage with it or not.

Signed,
BTDT (and having to retrain my children about acceptable behavior, hopefully before it is too ingrained)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

WHY would you want to save a marriage to someone who is abusing you???? Your children will hear and see. Do you want that shit in their heads warping them??

THIS is what I cannot understand about this thread. Anecdote after anecdote of women tied to men who are disinterested, selfish, and rude at best to abusive at worst. WHY would you want to save these marriages? Ladies, you can do better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH have space in the house that is considered "his"? Like an office, 1/2 of the bedroom, etc? Dump his stuff there. Let him deal with it. The only time my DH started caring about the mess he made and the piles of junk he amassed was when it was all piled in his space and it finally overwhelmed him. Took 9 months - when my limit is a few days of clutter. I don't really care about his space, I don't have to go in there ever and don't have to see it. But he had no choice but to realize that all of that stuff was his to deal with, and his fault. Nothing I could have said would have ever impressed that upon him.

But really, spend your time being angry about the real things.

For me, a clean house is a "real" thing. Wanting my husband to care about what I care about (such as a clean house) is a "real" thing. In return, I try to care about what he cares about (such as sex more frequently than perhaps I would choose on my own). Thank god my husband understands and tries. I can't get on board with this whole message. I think it's a really bad idea. It's basically for people who are a step or two away from divorce anyway. I don't think people with really strong, good marriages try to detach from their spouses and their spouses needs and wants.

The poster who wrote about this issue admitted there were way, way worse things going on like affairs, financial mishaps, etc. I would care much, much less about wiping a counter down than I would about my spouse cheating. You don't run around dusting while your house is on fire.

Exactly - I wasn't trying to say that a clean house wasn't a real thing, but the PP mentioned infidelity and financial problems being issues in her marriage - in light of that, her anger about the house is misplaced.

I'm the PP with the infidelity, financial issues, etc., on top of the messiness. I know that the infidelity and financial issues are a way bigger deal, but they seem to make the smaller things more annoying and infuriating than they were before. Like why can't he even just pick up his trash after he has created such havoc in other ways - is it too much to ask to just put stuff in the trash? Kind of just an everyday reminder of lack of respect. In any event, my problems are way bigger than the mess.

This is EXACTLY how I see a husband's messiness - as a lack of respect. He is an adult. He is MORE than capable of picking up after himself. If you're married to a man who refuses to do this? It's a "real" problem. Don't discount it just because other people might say it is not that serious. If it is serious to you, it should be serious to him. That is how a good marriage functions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

Why do you want to save this marriage? Yes, children model what they see. Staying around is modeling that a person should tolerate that kind of behavior, and that it is acceptable, whether they engage with it or not.

Signed,
BTDT (and having to retrain my children about acceptable behavior, hopefully before it is too ingrained)

OP here. See, I don't have this issue. My husband and I are very, very cordial to each other. We made that a priority and it made not taking things so personally much, much easier. We have a low conflict household. I don't see how that would be worse for my kids than getting divorced and introducing a level of conflict, economic instability, and mess into their lives.

I don't profess my advice would work for everyone. What I will say is that caring less about my husband's opinion and putting more energy into my own happiness has made me a happier person who enjoys her marriage way more. There is something to be said for perspective and space and detachment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

It's not really stopping caring, it's more like refusing to engage in these emotional circles. An example might be saying, when you're calm, I'll talk with you and refusing to engage when someone is out of control. Then go about your day. You're not trying to change the person (unproductive circle). You're taking control of what you can change - your response, which is you don't want to talk with a raging maniac. It takes a long time and consistency to reset patterns but it works.

You aren't really answering the question about kids. Exposing your kids to a your shitty marriage with an emotionally stunted abusive parent is the same thing as hoping they marry someone just as big of an asshole. And they will. So kudos for being an adult who can shut down and ignore, what choice do your kids have? I am not surprised by the shit women put up with because they are desperate for a man but I am disgusted what they are ok with their kids putting up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

You're kids will be great, don't worry. Sounds like your six-year-old is already showing lots of leadership potential.

Thanks. I needed a good laugh this afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

When I changed, my dh did as well (and my dh sounds like yours). I'm pleasant toward him and he's generally the same toward me. If he comes home in a bad mood, I detach. Don't ask about it, just leave him alone. He cools off and goes back to normal. If something stupid sets him off, I just calmly say okay, and go about my business - I do not storm out, but will try to head in another direction, pick up something and put it away in another room, something like that.

As for your son, I think you need to explain to him that those outbursts are not okay. My ds is a few years older than yours, but he spends a lot more time with me than with his dad and I can tell that my influence on him is much greater than dh's. Can you arrange your day so you both have less interaction time with him?

Also, I wouldn't go so far as to say I "feel good" about this strategy. It's making the best of a bad situation. If something escalated to the point where I could not in good conscience explain it to my son, then I'd have to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?

Mine never said anything but after about six months he wondered why I so happy. Yup I leaned to give fewer fucks. I stop needed validation from him. Now I travel, see plays, go to concerts without caring if he wants to join me or not.

After reading this thread, I'm so happy to be divorced and dating a wonderful and kind man!

And now I know why so many people around here are so deeply unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

Why do you want to save this marriage? Yes, children model what they see. Staying around is modeling that a person should tolerate that kind of behavior, and that it is acceptable, whether they engage with it or not.

Signed,
BTDT (and having to retrain my children about acceptable behavior, hopefully before it is too ingrained)

OP here. See, I don't have this issue. My husband and I are very, very cordial to each other. We made that a priority and it made not taking things so personally much, much easier. We have a low conflict household. I don't see how that would be worse for my kids than getting divorced and introducing a level of conflict, economic instability, and mess into their lives.

I don't profess my advice would work for everyone. What I will say is that caring less about my husband's opinion and putting more energy into my own happiness has made me a happier person who enjoys her marriage way more. There is something to be said for perspective and space and detachment.

So how do you enjoy sex with him if you are emotionally detached?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?

Mine never said anything but after about six months he wondered why I so happy. Yup I leaned to give fewer fucks. I stop needed validation from him. Now I travel, see plays, go to concerts without caring if he wants to join me or not.

After reading this thread, I'm so happy to be divorced and dating a wonderful and kind man!

And now I know why so many people around here are so deeply unhappy.

Yeah, my husband was "wonderful and kind" when we were just dating also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?

Mine never said anything but after about six months he wondered why I so happy. Yup I leaned to give fewer fucks. I stop needed validation from him. Now I travel, see plays, go to concerts without caring if he wants to join me or not.

After reading this thread, I'm so happy to be divorced and dating a wonderful and kind man!

And now I know why so many people around here are so deeply unhappy.

Yeah, my husband was "wonderful and kind" when we were just dating also.

This is dumb. There are good and bad people out there, and I'd venture to guess that PP has picked better this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best thread ever, and clearly the strategy most likely to save my marriage to an emotionally abusive and absent spouse with a hot temper and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

But here's my big question for those who feel good about where they are with this strategy- how do you feel about the impact on your kids? I'm worried about what I'd be modeling for them and their future potential relationships. 6yo DS already mimics his Dad's hot button, unpredictably yelling. So how do I show him it's ok by trying to not care about it? Even if I stop caring, I don't want my son to think its okay to treat people that way.

Why do you want to save this marriage? Yes, children model what they see. Staying around is modeling that a person should tolerate that kind of behavior, and that it is acceptable, whether they engage with it or not.

Signed,
BTDT (and having to retrain my children about acceptable behavior, hopefully before it is too ingrained)

OP here. See, I don't have this issue. My husband and I are very, very cordial to each other. We made that a priority and it made not taking things so personally much, much easier. We have a low conflict household. I don't see how that would be worse for my kids than getting divorced and introducing a level of conflict, economic instability, and mess into their lives.

I don't profess my advice would work for everyone. What I will say is that caring less about my husband's opinion and putting more energy into my own happiness has made me a happier person who enjoys her marriage way more. There is something to be said for perspective and space and detachment.

So how do you enjoy sex with him if you are emotionally detached?

I'm not emotionally detached. I use detachment as a tool to gain perspective, though, during conflict.

I think the big thing about "not caring" is that I uncoupled my sense of happiness from my husband's. So, sex. If I enjoy it, then I'm good. I enjoy it because I am focusing on my own pleasure and not necessarily hyper focused on his, for example. If he's happy with the lay, great. But I'm going to be sure that I'm happy with the experience. I push for things that make me feel good and honestly feeling good builds my connection to him (because he's facilitating that).