Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most prolifically dysfunctional threads ever. Apathy, emotionally divorced, detached...you name it. You prople are fuuuuucked up.

+1, how depressing

[Anonymous]

I Read the post. Seems women want to the term "stopped caring" a lot, which still sounds me vs. he, two sided. As an outsider reading all this for the first time, it sounds like you all have grown up a bit: not so much as "stopped caring", but more of "stopped being so needy (and clingy").

Congrats, you have moved to the second stage of marriage where you are maturing. But don't pat yourselves on the back too hard because you haven't reached stage 3 yet.
1. Dependence
2. Independence
3. Interdependence

If you bother to read the old fogies, like the late M. Scott Peck's books (e.g. "The Road Less Travelled"), you'll see that most marriages are lost at stage 1, some make it to stage 2 (OP for example), and fewer make it to stage 3, which is love. It takes around 26 years to get to stage 3 and be completely and utterly grown up and in love both. So you are on the right track but I would suggest you don't get too smug and fail to miss the boarding call for stage 3 or you'll be left standing in the rain at the station. The Road Less Traveled book is for anyone who wants to or needs to grow up, not just those in a relationship. If you find the book changed your life, start a thread!
Good luck,
Married to an 81 year old

[Anonymous]

^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp that requested this s/o thread. Relationships are messy and that disguises some bad situations.

For some of the partners on here, I am readying about passive aggressive spouses and "crazy making" behavior. This describes my marriage and I am further detaching, but I think a divorce is in the future.

And if that happens, you will be okay. You will survive a divorce.

And then life can get much better - at that point, it's all up to you. Good luck with everything.

[Anonymous]

I’m resurrecting this thread because it was profoundly helpful to me in many ways. I’m hoping the OP and contributors are still here. The one thing I still struggle with is activities. If I want to do something and my DH doesn’t, I still do it. Whether by myself or with the kids or friends. But..I’m finding that it makes me feel lonely because what I really want is to be sharing these experiences with a romantic partner. How do I resolve this?

[Anonymous]

I went to a therapist who told me I should go to one of those meet ups for single people looking for travel partners and just find some friends to go with and leave him home. Considering it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. This happened to me too. I adored my husband and tried to please him and looked for his constant approval. He was an asshole on many occasions and I realized I was the one who loved him more in the relationship.

It's been almost 10 years and I don't care acdamn anymore. I don't care if we divorce tomorrow. Our marriage couldn't be better, he adores me and pretty much kisses my ass. It's evident he is the one who loves me more now.

Go figure.

It is so important to reach the point of not caring for women to preserve their marriage.

But, it is hard to not be angry when kids are involved and the husband is not helping out or making things worse. Once the kids are gone, I don't think women care that much.

Today, I am sitting in my room and trying hard not to dislike my husband. He is such a moron sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a therapist who told me I should go to one of those meet ups for single people looking for travel partners and just find some friends to go with and leave him home. Considering it.

Thanks for sharing. This is a good advice and I didn't even have to pay a therapist for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I Read the post. Seems women want to the term "stopped caring" a lot, which still sounds me vs. he, two sided. As an outsider reading all this for the first time, it sounds like you all have grown up a bit: not so much as "stopped caring", but more of "stopped being so needy (and clingy").

Congrats, you have moved to the second stage of marriage where you are maturing. But don't pat yourselves on the back too hard because you haven't reached stage 3 yet.
1. Dependence
2. Independence
3. Interdependence

If you bother to read the old fogies, like the late M. Scott Peck's books (e.g. "The Road Less Travelled"), you'll see that most marriages are lost at stage 1, some make it to stage 2 (OP for example), and fewer make it to stage 3, which is love. It takes around 26 years to get to stage 3 and be completely and utterly grown up and in love both. So you are on the right track but I would suggest you don't get too smug and fail to miss the boarding call for stage 3 or you'll be left standing in the rain at the station. The Road Less Traveled book is for anyone who wants to or needs to grow up, not just those in a relationship. If you find the book changed your life, start a thread!
Good luck,
Married to an 81 year old

What does the bolded mean? Are you also older? Did you marry late in life? What a strange sign off...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a therapist who told me I should go to one of those meet ups for single people looking for travel partners and just find some friends to go with and leave him home. Considering it.

Thanks for sharing. This is a good advice and I didn't even have to pay a therapist for this.

So, I’m the pp from above. I’ve actually done this. And it really helped for awhile. But now I am again struggle with the disappointment and resentment of a spouse who will not share in activities with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m resurrecting this thread because it was profoundly helpful to me in many ways. I’m hoping the OP and contributors are still here. The one thing I still struggle with is activities. If I want to do something and my DH doesn’t, I still do it. Whether by myself or with the kids or friends. But..I’m finding that it makes me feel lonely because what I really want is to be sharing these experiences with a romantic partner. How do I resolve this?

One of my best friends has taken the same stance. Her husband made it clear in the early years of marriage that his career was his #1 priority and that she would always come behind it. She’s very religious and believes that absence abuse she would not divorce. So she eventually reprioritized her life and took on a more fulfilling career, pursued hobbies, takes every opportunity to spend time with friends etc. When her husband decides he wants to do something together or travel she is always game and says she enjoys the time she spends together. She just has zero expectations of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really what you guys are describing is becoming whole and secure with yourselves. Once you do that, it's a whole lot easier to let the little stuff (and the big stuff) roll off your back.

Of course, the question is...how to become secure and whole.

I don't agree with this. PP here. Everyone who knows me will tell you I was a more secure person, a more independent person before I got involved with DH. My DH had emotional and phyiscal abuse as a child and he does not have a great family support system. Actually, I have seen/corresponded with more of his family in recent years than he has. Our problem is that he doesn't return basic pleasantries. He doesn't thank me for anything, he doesn't acknowledge my feelings at all (he wants to know why I have any feelings at all), and he doesn't do anything around our house and barely anything with our 4 yo DD. I was raised differently, when I visit family and when I talk to other people, it is different. We say words like "thank you" and "sorry." He also seems to do things intentionally to piss me off. I will share something and he will 3 seconds later do that exact thing I asked him not to do.

We all look to folks to validate our feelings. Looking to someone who can't empathize to validate feelings is demoralizing in the worst way. Not caring about his reaction or his feelings is the only way to make it through a marriage like this.

+1

Same with my DH’s family - totally effed up, emotionally and spiritually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m resurrecting this thread because it was profoundly helpful to me in many ways. I’m hoping the OP and contributors are still here. The one thing I still struggle with is activities. If I want to do something and my DH doesn’t, I still do it. Whether by myself or with the kids or friends. But..I’m finding that it makes me feel lonely because what I really want is to be sharing these experiences with a romantic partner. How do I resolve this?

One of my best friends has taken the same stance. Her husband made it clear in the early years of marriage that his career was his #1 priority and that she would always come behind it. She’s very religious and believes that absence abuse she would not divorce. So she eventually reprioritized her life and took on a more fulfilling career, pursued hobbies, takes every opportunity to spend time with friends etc. When her husband decides he wants to do something together or travel she is always game and says she enjoys the time she spends together. She just has zero expectations of him.

This has worked for me for years but it’s not anymore.

[Anonymous]

Oh I’m so grateful for this thread! DH is so great and I love him a ton, but he is much more type A and focused than I am and I feel like every time he is in the room he is judging my performance (sometimes he approves, sometimes he thinks I should be doing something different, and I never feel like he totally accepts and respects my choices). There is nothing wrong with him or me but I feel like I’m living under a cloud of constant judgment and it makes me anxious. I would love to care less about what he thinks of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m resurrecting this thread because it was profoundly helpful to me in many ways. I’m hoping the OP and contributors are still here. The one thing I still struggle with is activities. If I want to do something and my DH doesn’t, I still do it. Whether by myself or with the kids or friends. But..I’m finding that it makes me feel lonely because what I really want is to be sharing these experiences with a romantic partner. How do I resolve this?

One of my best friends has taken the same stance. Her husband made it clear in the early years of marriage that his career was his #1 priority and that she would always come behind it. She’s very religious and believes that absence abuse she would not divorce. So she eventually reprioritized her life and took on a more fulfilling career, pursued hobbies, takes every opportunity to spend time with friends etc. When her husband decides he wants to do something together or travel she is always game and says she enjoys the time she spends together. She just has zero expectations of him.

This has worked for me for years but it’s not anymore.

What changed?