Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Are you happy as a person who do you feel like something is missing? I mean, are you longing for the connection you no longer have with your spouse? Do you think this mindset would make you more susceptible to cheating?

[Anonymous]

When do you actually care what he thinks? About what?

OP here. I care that he is a good father, responsible adult and a polite enough companion. I don't put up with disrespect, but I also have a very different line of what that is now. It's sort of like this -- if you can't talk to a coworker like this -- at least give me that minimum courtesy. I also looked at a lot of stuff and realized I just didn't care. I didn't need him to compliment a dinner I made that I loved. The fact that I loved it was enough. Who cares what he thinks. If he likes it, great. If not, it's too bad for him. It's things like that. I had a strong sense that I needed to keep my husband happy and pleased, which is impossible. No one can make another person happy. We can enjoy each other, but your bad day is your problem. Similarly, my husband is a bit of a complainer. I spent a lot of time trying solutions and worrying what he thought. Now, I just don't care if he doesn't like something or thinks the house is a mess or hates his job. He's a grown up and fix his own stuff. Find a new job. Eat something else. Clean up instead of talking about cleaning.

It was a huge reset because the time I spent being angry or hurt took up a lot of space. When they left, there was room for both of us to pursue our happiness within the bounds of reasonableness (common courtesy, etc).


What kinds of decisions did you make consulting him before that you don't now?

I ran everything by him. I still tell him things, but if it's not a major thing, I tend to just do that. For example, I am making dinner. If he doesn't like it, he is free to do whatever he likes. I'm a decent cook and he will most likely eat whatever I'm making. I'm not going to sit around and wait for a thank you. Ironically, when I stopped fishing for validation, I started getting it more and more. He's actually a much better spouse now that I stopped giving a shit about what he thinks most of the time.

Do you have sex now?

Mornings. Usually once or two a week depending on things.

Are you worried DH has or will have an affair?


No. I don't think it's really in the cards but who knows. If he had an affair, I'd probably have a different approach to the whole thing. The bedrock of my marriage is basic politeness. Like the kind you would extend a coworker. I've actually said that to him and he had an ah ha of his own.
More questions to come. Again, thank you. If my marriage is going to be saved, this is the road to continue to go down.

[Anonymous]

Yup, I'm learning this too. I take the kids on vacation, go on girls trips and rarely call him. It really seems to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you happy as a person who do you feel like something is missing? I mean, are you longing for the connection you no longer have with your spouse? Do you think this mindset would make you more susceptible to cheating?

OP here. I am much, much happier when I stop caring so much. I think what's missing is my need to feel validated by my husband. I don't have that need anymore. It's nice and I appreciate it, but I don't need his approval and my happiness isn't contingent on his. We're different people. As for a connection, I think it's okay. We enjoy each other's company more, I think I have more fun now doing things I enjoy instead of doing things that will make him happy, and our sex life is alright.

I thought about the cheating and don't think that's really our issue. I think partially because my husband isn't someone who needs to validation constantly. He likes having a pleasant life and enjoys our time together from what I can see. I don't see him looking for greener pastures because he's dealing with another woman who suddenly has needs and wants and needs to be validated and feel important. It's just too much work from what I can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you actually care what he thinks? About what?

OP here. I care that he is a good father, responsible adult and a polite enough companion. I don't put up with disrespect, but I also have a very different line of what that is now. It's sort of like this -- if you can't talk to a coworker like this -- at least give me that minimum courtesy. I also looked at a lot of stuff and realized I just didn't care. I didn't need him to compliment a dinner I made that I loved. The fact that I loved it was enough. Who cares what he thinks. If he likes it, great. If not, it's too bad for him. It's things like that. I had a strong sense that I needed to keep my husband happy and pleased, which is impossible. No one can make another person happy. We can enjoy each other, but your bad day is your problem. Similarly, my husband is a bit of a complainer. I spent a lot of time trying solutions and worrying what he thought. Now, I just don't care if he doesn't like something or thinks the house is a mess or hates his job. He's a grown up and fix his own stuff. Find a new job. Eat something else. Clean up instead of talking about cleaning.

It was a huge reset because the time I spent being angry or hurt took up a lot of space. When they left, there was room for both of us to pursue our happiness within the bounds of reasonableness (common courtesy, etc).


What kinds of decisions did you make consulting him before that you don't now?

I ran everything by him. I still tell him things, but if it's not a major thing, I tend to just do that. For example, I am making dinner. If he doesn't like it, he is free to do whatever he likes. I'm a decent cook and he will most likely eat whatever I'm making. I'm not going to sit around and wait for a thank you. Ironically, when I stopped fishing for validation, I started getting it more and more. He's actually a much better spouse now that I stopped giving a shit about what he thinks most of the time.

Do you have sex now?

Mornings. Usually once or two a week depending on things.

Are you worried DH has or will have an affair?


No. I don't think it's really in the cards but who knows. If he had an affair, I'd probably have a different approach to the whole thing. The bedrock of my marriage is basic politeness. Like the kind you would extend a coworker. I've actually said that to him and he had an ah ha of his own.
More questions to come. Again, thank you. If my marriage is going to be saved, this is the road to continue to go down.

2nd poster here. When it comes to my husband, he is indecisive and gets his feelings hurt if I don't let him in on every damn decision. I still discuss big decisions with him or if they involve him (like when to make an appointment for the kids that he has to field). If it is something that needs to get done reliably, I do it. I let stuff fall that I don't care about. If he cares, he can do it. That way, I am not the catch all/do it all girl that I used to be. If I did it all, he wouldn't do any of it. If there is a task I think he can do and take it off my plate, I'll hand it to him, but it better be something I don't care about not getting done my way. I have learned to accept he'll do things his way, I'll do things mine.

When I don't care, I make him decide. Dude, if you have an opinion on what's for dinner, then decide. Do not wait for me to tell you what to make. I don't care. The kids will eat PB&J and I'll graze. I do not make dinner except on rare occasions. I already do most of breakfast and lunch 7 days a week and got tired of never getting a thank you for and having him load garlic salt onto the food I cooked.

As for 3am, I get frustrated only when it comes to the next night when he is snoozing on the couch at the kids bed time. I travel a lot, and he has a nasty habit of not participating in bedtime when I am home. If he doesn't want to participate, OK, but I also don't let him dabble. Get out of the way if you aren't going to be helpful. I think he would be a different person with more sleep, but I gave up fighting that battle a long time ago. I can't win it. He tends to fall asleep on the couch watching TV.

Sex, interesting question. Sadly, when I let go of being mad, I let go of trying to have sex regularly. I always had more libido than he did. Now it's reverse, but I don't care. Maybe it's menopause. Maybe it's just being too damn tired to care. Maybe I needed sex for validation, and now I don't need the validation. Who knows. He doesn't get sex because I am fast asleep when he comes to bed. If he wanted sex, he'd come to bed.

I agree with the PP. I spent too much time trying to stay ahead of DH's criticism's when the kids were young. I find that validation in knowing I've done my best. I do still get disappointed when I don't get a thank you for foregoing a trip with the kids to stay home and scrub the house for a full two days, only to get a smirk and shrug for him. I haven't done that kind of cleaning since.

[Anonymous]

So, you've stopped giving a (expletive). https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

When is it healthy and when is it a matter of lowering expectations too low, and accepting and settling for something that isn't really fulfilling?

[Anonymous]

It's the 180. Do for yourself (but don't be an asshole). Once you start pleasing yourself, he'll roll right along.

I still give two fucks top many if my dh is happy or not.

[Anonymous]

NP here. This is a fascinating thread.

I'm in a marriage that is very pleasant, very calm, and very boring. We have a great friendship and a non-existent sex life. He will never give me some of what I hope - but perhaps the secret really does lie in me finding a way not to look for/hope for or expect those things from him.

I had been defining that as me giving up - which felt awful. But if I reframe it then it might be a way for me to rethink the whole construct of my marriage.

Great food for thought. Thanks all!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the 180. Do for yourself (but don't be an asshole). Once you start pleasing yourself, he'll roll right along.

I still give two fucks top many if my dh is happy or not.

I've started doing this too. I feel better. I'm happier. I've even lost weight. Our marriage is different, but better.

[Anonymous]

This is apathy101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is apathy101.

Please explain.

[Anonymous]

How do you cut off these emotions with your husband and still be able to respond deeply with other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you cut off these emotions with your husband and still be able to respond deeply with other people?

Good question. In my case I found that my relationships with my children, friends and other family members has gotten much deeper. I have an emotional energy that I didn't have before, as well as much less anger. Maybe that's what did it, losing the anger gave me the energy to love more deeply. I'm just giving that love to people who can reciprocate it.

[Anonymous]

How do you not tell DH you don't guve a f*** when he has an issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This is a fascinating thread.

I'm in a marriage that is very pleasant, very calm, and very boring. We have a great friendship and a non-existent sex life. He will never give me some of what I hope - but perhaps the secret really does lie in me finding a way not to look for/hope for or expect those things from him.

I had been defining that as me giving up - which felt awful. But if I reframe it then it might be a way for me to rethink the whole construct of my marriage.

Great food for thought. Thanks all!!

I'm a np here too. It's definitely reframing the idea I once had about giving up. It's not that you don't care about the person, it's that you care about your own stuff, and allow space for his own decisions. And find happiness in a place where you don't need to agree on everything, or even most things. And maybe stand up for your own needs for once. Guys do this more easily, that's for sure.

I can see this working well for me. Would have done great for us..except now I find myself personally in a place where I am REALLY relying on my DH. He's a saint. And he knows I'll pick back up and be more independent after we get through a couple of months of stuff. But I will keep it in mind as it pertains to later in life. (We're happy being quite close, but I've seen the rising tension, and I think it's a good solution for our future).