Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

I mean, for some of you above, I'd say it's caring about your spouse, caring when stuff matters. But letting go of thee crazy expectations. That WHO made? Yourself. Most DHs don't put stuff on us, not nearly as much as we do ourselves. And like the cleaning examples above, I'll clean what I want to clean. And if that's not good enough, DH can do it himself. And if he's overextended, he can pay for it or ask me nicely. This is what any normal, single person would do. Take care of the crap they care about it--figure it out for the rest. Not expect your spouse to care about it more than you do.

[Anonymous]

So did you tell your husbands that you were changing or did you just change? Do they even realize you changed? I too can't envision how I'd react other than to say "I don't care" and then that would elicit a response from dh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you cut off these emotions with your husband and still be able to respond deeply with other people?

Good question. In my case I found that my relationships with my children, friends and other family members has gotten much deeper. I have an emotional energy that I didn't have before, as well as much less anger. Maybe that's what did it, losing the anger gave me the energy to love more deeply. I'm just giving that love to people who can reciprocate it.

OP here. I agree with this. I also think a strange side effect is that my husband actually gives way more of a crap than I do about things. I think pulling back and not caring whether or not he was happy and focusing on my own contentment (and that is definitely the right word. I'm content) made a huge shift in the energy in my house. I wasn't focused on whether he would like an outing, or a vacation, or something I wanted to do. It was enough that it was important to me and if he didn't want to go, then I was happy to go by myself. I think a big part of it is that women are socialized to make men happy. I kind of took that and flipped it on its head. I don't think anyone can make anyone happy. We can enjoy people. We can love people. But we can't make them feel a certain way or make them do anything. It's freeing. I wasn't a jerk about it. Like I said, I am very fond of my husband. I enjoy our life together.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So did you tell your husbands that you were changing or did you just change? Do they even realize you changed? I too can't envision how I'd react other than to say "I don't care" and then that would elicit a response from dh

I just changed, and I don't respond with "I don't care". If I want to make salmon for dinner and he says "I don't want it" then I say "im going to have it, if you don't then you'll have to make a sandwich." If I want to go to the ballet and he doesn't, I just go with one of my kids or a friend. It's not that I've stopped caring completely, I've just started caring less about pleasing him and more about pleasing me. When I didn't do that I started to become very resentful of him and that's a marriage killer. Now we're both much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I'm not sure I had a mourning period. I just decided I had 2 choices: either figure out how to live in this marriage or get a divorce. Anger and resentment were no longer an option. So I had to detach in order to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I'm not sure I had a mourning period. I just decided I had 2 choices: either figure out how to live in this marriage or get a divorce. Anger and resentment were no longer an option. So I had to detach in order to stay.

thank you for responding. i appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I'm not sure I had a mourning period. I just decided I had 2 choices: either figure out how to live in this marriage or get a divorce. Anger and resentment were no longer an option. So I had to detach in order to stay.

Apathy makes horrible relationships bearable. This is the key to surviving a long soul sucking marriage without having the very happiness sucked out of you. Its kind of like today's political process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I'm not sure I had a mourning period. I just decided I had 2 choices: either figure out how to live in this marriage or get a divorce. Anger and resentment were no longer an option. So I had to detach in order to stay.

Apathy makes horrible relationships bearable. This is the key to surviving a long soul sucking marriage without having the very happiness sucked out of you. Its kind of like today's political process.

They say that apathy -- not hate -- is the opposite of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I'm not sure I had a mourning period. I just decided I had 2 choices: either figure out how to live in this marriage or get a divorce. Anger and resentment were no longer an option. So I had to detach in order to stay.

Apathy makes horrible relationships bearable. This is the key to surviving a long soul sucking marriage without having the very happiness sucked out of you. Its kind of like today's political process.

They say that apathy -- not hate -- is the opposite of love.

It's not apathy. It's freeing someone from being responsible for my happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, I've signed on to this. Going on 24 years.

Me too in our first year of marriage. But we were an older couple marrying. With a young child to raise, something had to give. But I've always been a self pleaser- buy myself nice birthday and Christmas gifts, take trips even if local, go to the gym, and pamper myself. I take care of number 1

[Anonymous]

You go Girl. I've decided that's going to be me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I'm not sure I had a mourning period. I just decided I had 2 choices: either figure out how to live in this marriage or get a divorce. Anger and resentment were no longer an option. So I had to detach in order to stay.

Apathy makes horrible relationships bearable. This is the key to surviving a long soul sucking marriage without having the very happiness sucked out of you. Its kind of like today's political process.

They say that apathy -- not hate -- is the opposite of love.

It's not apathy. It's freeing someone from being responsible for my happiness.

Being detached and being apathetic seem like the same thing to me. Perhaps I misunderstood what you meant by "detached."

[Anonymous]

I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to incorporate elements of this but am buckling a little under the weight of I guess mourning what I thought was possible, realizing there is contempt from him towards me, missing sex and missing having interest in each other and our lives. He's also having a minor emotional affair and ...I want so badly to not care anymore. I can some days.

I am working on keeping myself busy and cultivating my own interests and networks. I know I can't change any of his actions or emotions and I don't try. Did you have a mourning period before not caring?

I'm not sure I had a mourning period. I just decided I had 2 choices: either figure out how to live in this marriage or get a divorce. Anger and resentment were no longer an option. So I had to detach in order to stay.

Apathy makes horrible relationships bearable. This is the key to surviving a long soul sucking marriage without having the very happiness sucked out of you. Its kind of like today's political process.

They say that apathy -- not hate -- is the opposite of love.

It's not apathy. It's freeing someone from being responsible for my happiness.

Detachment-Apathy potato potato

Of course when you have apathy it is freeing, i totally get you. You choose to no longer care and then you can move along. When you are in a horrible marriage the passion that comes along with caring is just so exhausting. Once you can detach and move along, you are free of that emotional burden. No need to uproot your family. Youve realized you wantnthe family, but need to detatch on an emotio al level (not physical) from your spouse to cope and keep what youwant outnofnthr marriage.

I GET IT. I did it with my father. I spent years and years exhausting myself, constantly being disappointed by his actions, it really weighed me down to care so much. Once i detached from him and stopped trying (with someone who was NEVER going to change) i felt so free. I'm most definitely apathetic towards him and detached really nails it. Just like you all, i focus on my family, my kids, my friends, my DH. He is completely in the emotional sense out of the picture. I see him physicslly, we engage on the basics, but Nothing he does can rattle my cage.