Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m resurrecting this thread because it was profoundly helpful to me in many ways. I’m hoping the OP and contributors are still here. The one thing I still struggle with is activities. If I want to do something and my DH doesn’t, I still do it. Whether by myself or with the kids or friends. But..I’m finding that it makes me feel lonely because what I really want is to be sharing these experiences with a romantic partner. How do I resolve this?

One of my best friends has taken the same stance. Her husband made it clear in the early years of marriage that his career was his #1 priority and that she would always come behind it. She’s very religious and believes that absence abuse she would not divorce. So she eventually reprioritized her life and took on a more fulfilling career, pursued hobbies, takes every opportunity to spend time with friends etc. When her husband decides he wants to do something together or travel she is always game and says she enjoys the time she spends together. She just has zero expectations of him.

This has worked for me for years but it’s not anymore.

What changed?

Time, I guess? I mean I have these experiences and do these things but after awhile, I would like it to be with the person I’m sharing my life with. I see so many couples. In my hiking group, on vacations, in my hobbies, and I can’t help but be upset. I guess I figured if I followed all the advice here, that he would finally want to do things with me eventually but it never happened.

[Anonymous]

I stopped caring at the very beginning of my marriage. It did not work. I did not enjoy his company, we did not have sex, we never reconnected. It stole 10 of the best years of my life and we finally divorced.

When you have to stop caring, it only works if there are other parts of marriage that work for you but for many people, once you actually stop caring, it is over and a time bomb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m resurrecting this thread because it was profoundly helpful to me in many ways. I’m hoping the OP and contributors are still here. The one thing I still struggle with is activities. If I want to do something and my DH doesn’t, I still do it. Whether by myself or with the kids or friends. But..I’m finding that it makes me feel lonely because what I really want is to be sharing these experiences with a romantic partner. How do I resolve this?

One of my best friends has taken the same stance. Her husband made it clear in the early years of marriage that his career was his #1 priority and that she would always come behind it. She’s very religious and believes that absence abuse she would not divorce. So she eventually reprioritized her life and took on a more fulfilling career, pursued hobbies, takes every opportunity to spend time with friends etc. When her husband decides he wants to do something together or travel she is always game and says she enjoys the time she spends together. She just has zero expectations of him.

This has worked for me for years but it’s not anymore.

What changed?

Time, I guess? I mean I have these experiences and do these things but after awhile, I would like it to be with the person I’m sharing my life with. I see so many couples. In my hiking group, on vacations, in my hobbies, and I can’t help but be upset. I guess I figured if I followed all the advice here, that he would finally want to do things with me eventually but it never happened.

Why are you still married?

[Anonymous]

G** d*** it. Who brought this thread back? I was one of the 2016 posters who did this and supported this. My marriage ended up in ruins.

If you have kids, do this. If you do not have kids yet, leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m resurrecting this thread because it was profoundly helpful to me in many ways. I’m hoping the OP and contributors are still here. The one thing I still struggle with is activities. If I want to do something and my DH doesn’t, I still do it. Whether by myself or with the kids or friends. But..I’m finding that it makes me feel lonely because what I really want is to be sharing these experiences with a romantic partner. How do I resolve this?

PP, thank you. I am not the OP, but I'm the PP of the S/O this came from. This thread was because of my questions and my experiences.

My answer to your question is that you have to divorce yourself from that joy of doing that activity with a significant other and just embrace the joy in the moment. You are not going to get that feedback from your partner, so you are creating a way to have joy without dealing with their BS.

Top that with something else that makes you feel good. Ice cream with the kids. Or pizza at a big table with all the kids while you have a glass of wine. F*** your husband at this point. Get manicures for the team.

You can ask me more questions. My marriage ended up with me leaving him 4.5 years ago. I can tell you what makes me and my daughter happy now. And none of it involves him.

[Anonymous]

Yes, yes. Do the activities by yourself, if that is your option. Or with a friend. Do it. Don't let his bad attitude prevent you from doing things that bring you joy. Never let that happen. Do them alone. And find joy in being alone.

I love activities, too. Don't give them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:G** d*** it. Who brought this thread back? I was one of the 2016 posters who did this and supported this. My marriage ended up in ruins.

If you have kids, do this. If you do not have kids yet, leave.

Sorry. All I had to do was look at the subject line and knew that would never work.

[Anonymous]

7. "'We're staying together for the kids.' It leads to an unhealthy mindset where the couple sees the children as a burden and believes that by remaining in an unhealthy relationship, it will somehow make the kids turn out alright."
"Kids are smarter than you think, and if mom and dad don't love each other, they'll pick up on it. If the kids are really the priority, either learn to fix the relationship or end it." —u/NEM3S1S
https://apple.news/AImIqgTtNRTaCDVDfm3vySg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I Read the post. Seems women want to the term "stopped caring" a lot, which still sounds me vs. he, two sided. As an outsider reading all this for the first time, it sounds like you all have grown up a bit: not so much as "stopped caring", but more of "stopped being so needy (and clingy").

Congrats, you have moved to the second stage of marriage where you are maturing. But don't pat yourselves on the back too hard because you haven't reached stage 3 yet.
1. Dependence
2. Independence
3. Interdependence

If you bother to read the old fogies, like the late M. Scott Peck's books (e.g. "The Road Less Travelled"), you'll see that most marriages are lost at stage 1, some make it to stage 2 (OP for example), and fewer make it to stage 3, which is love. It takes around 26 years to get to stage 3 and be completely and utterly grown up and in love both. So you are on the right track but I would suggest you don't get too smug and fail to miss the boarding call for stage 3 or you'll be left standing in the rain at the station. The Road Less Traveled book is for anyone who wants to or needs to grow up, not just those in a relationship. If you find the book changed your life, start a thread!
Good luck,
Married to an 81 year old

[Anonymous]

This is still the best thread ever on DCUM. It has saved countless marriages and should come back to the top of the post list at least once every year! Thank you, b*tches!

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe this was 4 years ago...