When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

I don’t believe there are many of you. I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce. It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result. This has been well documented over decades of research. Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda. We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

I don’t believe there are many of you. I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce. It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result. This has been well documented over decades of research. Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda. We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

DP.

If you all are so capable of communicating in an age appropriate manner, why do it at the office of his psychologist?

Stop encouraging these people to emotionally dump on their children. Instead encourage them to get help like you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

I don’t believe there are many of you. I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce. It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result. This has been well documented over decades of research. Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda. We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

I am not a cheater. I am the child of a marriage that was destroyed by cheating.

"Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce" -- well, now you know one person who disagrees, because I do. It's not about protecting abusers and cheaters, it's about protecting children.

"It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result." -- the question is WHEN children should know. It is in no way necessary to tell them before they are 18.

"This has been well documented over decades of research." -- I doubt that research gives a specific time in the child's life that you have to tell them. I doubt that research says that it's harmful to keep it a secret until an age the parents decide is appropriate.

"Use the google if you aren’t aware of this." -- I don't need Google, I know that my mom keeping the cheating a secret absolutely did not cause me "lifelong issues". It was the destruction of the marriage and my mom's rage at her XH that did it.

"some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda." -- maybe they are but my mom certainly wasn't. Why can't you conceive that people differ and that people having anger and an agenda during a divorce is the rule rather than the exception?

"We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time." -- yay for you, I guess. Why are you so adamantly convinced that your personal recipe must be applied without exception to 100% of the rest of the divorcing couples on the planet?

"The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life." -- if you haven't seen divorced people go to war with each other and try to weaponize their kids against each other, you're really not looking very hard. And in my case, my mom is incapable of thinking about her XH at all without extreme anger. The idea she'd calmly explain to her kids "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" is utterly laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

There’s no victim blaming in the post, it’s speaking to the abstract. That you apply the scenario to your behavior is pretty telling. Clearly you have inappropriately burdened your kids, there’s no other reason for the ratcheting hysterics. Get help - your posts are filled with rage and pretty scary at this point.

My "posts" (plural)? Uh, no. And I haven't been cheated on, but I've seen it ruin marriages around me and the kids universally knew. In one case, it was the talk of the town.

Don’t worry. Of course this is the logical answer. There is an insane cheater here posting repeatedly who is clearly terrified his kids will find out the truth.

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

Well, I’ve never cheated or been divorced, and I’m in a long term happy marriage, so I’m not really worried about hiding truths from my kids.

Wait so you have no idea WTF you're talking about and espousing on it with a conviction truly impressive even for DCUM?

My experience comes from being the child in this situation. You keep claiming you care about children, but your comment here reveals the truth: you forgot there are children impacted by cheating parents. I care about truth because I’ve lived lies.

I was the child in the situation, too, and I see no reason to vomit your "truth" onto your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

I don’t believe there are many of you. I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce. It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result. This has been well documented over decades of research. Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda. We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

So now you want to move the goal post from one cheater to trying to justify not telling kids to thinking there are a few posters that. Your post are nothing but rage and drivel. You’re an adult. Get some therapy instead of burdening your children.

[Anonymous]

If they ask directly about affairs, don’t lie. But otherwise no need to tell. Marriages are complicated and the cheating is usually not the first step to the end. If they aren’t asking, don’t dump it all on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

I don’t believe there are many of you. I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce. It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result. This has been well documented over decades of research. Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda. We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

So now you want to move the goal post from one cheater to trying to justify not telling kids to thinking there are a few posters that. Your post are nothing but rage and drivel. You’re an adult. Get some therapy instead of burdening your children.

Definitely. There is literally *no* reason to share this painful information with children other than to turn them against their father. It is beyond selfish and they are not developmentally capable of having a mature perspective on this information. A parent's job is to put their needs above his/her own petty wishes. A simple "Mommy and Daddy don't get along and can't live together anymore. Sometimes married people grown apart and that's okay. We will always love and take care of you" is in their best interest, which is the only thing that should concern you.

[Anonymous]

Funny how dad is always blamed for cheating. Moms cheat too but they always seem to get a free pass. My husbands kids think all kinds of terrible about him when mom cheated and was abusive. Child welfare was involved after the divorce as she abused the AP kids.

My dad cheated. My parents dragged me through their divorce. I was told every detail including my mom and sibling demanding I find out every detail on the AP and much more. I lost respect for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny how dad is always blamed for cheating. Moms cheat too but they always seem to get a free pass. My husbands kids think all kinds of terrible about him when mom cheated and was abusive. Child welfare was involved after the divorce as she abused the AP kids.

My dad cheated. My parents dragged me through their divorce. I was told every detail including my mom and sibling demanding I find out every detail on the AP and much more. I lost respect for both of them.

Well the thread title was about men cheating so pretty normal to respond based on the title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

There’s no victim blaming in the post, it’s speaking to the abstract. That you apply the scenario to your behavior is pretty telling. Clearly you have inappropriately burdened your kids, there’s no other reason for the ratcheting hysterics. Get help - your posts are filled with rage and pretty scary at this point.

My "posts" (plural)? Uh, no. And I haven't been cheated on, but I've seen it ruin marriages around me and the kids universally knew. In one case, it was the talk of the town.

Don’t worry. Of course this is the logical answer. There is an insane cheater here posting repeatedly who is clearly terrified his kids will find out the truth.

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

Well, I’ve never cheated or been divorced, and I’m in a long term happy marriage, so I’m not really worried about hiding truths from my kids.

Wait so you have no idea WTF you're talking about and espousing on it with a conviction truly impressive even for DCUM?

My experience comes from being the child in this situation. You keep claiming you care about children, but your comment here reveals the truth: you forgot there are children impacted by cheating parents. I care about truth because I’ve lived lies.

I was the child in the situation, too, and I see no reason to vomit your "truth" onto your children.

I’m not a cheater and find it reprehensible. But you keep it simple for young kids and you don’t have to divulge the gory details. As kids get older you can provide more info but really, it’s inappropriate to divulge the details of divorce to young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

There’s no victim blaming in the post, it’s speaking to the abstract. That you apply the scenario to your behavior is pretty telling. Clearly you have inappropriately burdened your kids, there’s no other reason for the ratcheting hysterics. Get help - your posts are filled with rage and pretty scary at this point.

My "posts" (plural)? Uh, no. And I haven't been cheated on, but I've seen it ruin marriages around me and the kids universally knew. In one case, it was the talk of the town.

Don’t worry. Of course this is the logical answer. There is an insane cheater here posting repeatedly who is clearly terrified his kids will find out the truth.

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

Well, I’ve never cheated or been divorced, and I’m in a long term happy marriage, so I’m not really worried about hiding truths from my kids.

Wait so you have no idea WTF you're talking about and espousing on it with a conviction truly impressive even for DCUM?

My experience comes from being the child in this situation. You keep claiming you care about children, but your comment here reveals the truth: you forgot there are children impacted by cheating parents. I care about truth because I’ve lived lies.

Ah, I assumed because you speak with such fury towards the cheaters, not because I don’t care about the kids. My perspective also comes from the kids side.

I think it sounds like both of your parents failed you. And you are incapable of envisioning a situation where both Parents behave maturely and because you can’t envision it you reject it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

I don’t believe there are many of you. I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce. It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result. This has been well documented over decades of research. Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda. We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

So now you want to move the goal post from one cheater to trying to justify not telling kids to thinking there are a few posters that. Your post are nothing but rage and drivel. You’re an adult. Get some therapy instead of burdening your children.

Definitely. There is literally *no* reason to share this painful information with children other than to turn them against their father. It is beyond selfish and they are not developmentally capable of having a mature perspective on this information. A parent's job is to put their needs above his/her own petty wishes. A simple "Mommy and Daddy don't get along and can't live together anymore. Sometimes married people grown apart and that's okay. We will always love and take care of you" is in their best interest, which is the only thing that should concern you.

100% correct!

[Anonymous]

It’s like Dreams of my Father. The people who had messed up cheating dads are angry their moms woke them up from their dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.

I don’t believe there are many of you. I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce. It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result. This has been well documented over decades of research. Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda. We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

I am not a cheater. I am the child of a marriage that was destroyed by cheating.

"Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce" -- well, now you know one person who disagrees, because I do. It's not about protecting abusers and cheaters, it's about protecting children.

"It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result." -- the question is WHEN children should know. It is in no way necessary to tell them before they are 18.

"This has been well documented over decades of research." -- I doubt that research gives a specific time in the child's life that you have to tell them. I doubt that research says that it's harmful to keep it a secret until an age the parents decide is appropriate.

"Use the google if you aren’t aware of this." -- I don't need Google, I know that my mom keeping the cheating a secret absolutely did not cause me "lifelong issues". It was the destruction of the marriage and my mom's rage at her XH that did it.

"some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda." -- maybe they are but my mom certainly wasn't. Why can't you conceive that people differ and that people having anger and an agenda during a divorce is the rule rather than the exception?

"We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time." -- yay for you, I guess. Why are you so adamantly convinced that your personal recipe must be applied without exception to 100% of the rest of the divorcing couples on the planet?

"The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else. It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life." -- if you haven't seen divorced people go to war with each other and try to weaponize their kids against each other, you're really not looking very hard. And in my case, my mom is incapable of thinking about her XH at all without extreme anger. The idea she'd calmly explain to her kids "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" is utterly laughable.

Mommy and Daddy issues

[Anonymous]

Oh please, nothing magic happens at the age 18 that makes kids capable of handling this information. What a strange and arbitrary suggestion. Of course there are reasons kids would need to know before that. For example, a child is 16 years old and finds out his parents are divorcing. One parent moves out and moves into an apartment with family friend of the opposite gender, announces they are now dating and let’s the kids know that they are now swing this person. The betrayed spouses is just supposed to say nothing for 2 years? Ridiculous. It needs to be addressed because the irresponsible cheater’s behavior shoved the kids into the dumpster fire with their actions.

Another example….. one parent has an affair with their child’s sports coach (or teacher, or really anyone associated with a child’s extracurricular activities). The spouse of the coach shows up at an event and makes a scene, confronting the child’s parent and calling them a home wrecker. All the child’s teammates see this. Still, say nothing until the kid is 18?

One parent has an affair. The parents agree to tell their child nothing other than that they are divorcing because three grew apart. A year later, a kid in there school bus tells the kid that their parent had an affair, they heard it from so-and-so. The kid is 12. Continue to lie until they are 18?

Also, no one is advocating ti emotionally dump inappropriate information into young kids. Literally everyone here has been advocating telling an AGE APPROPRIATE explanation that makes it clear that they support the kid having an ongoing loving positive relationship with the other parent.

It’s strange you can’t comprehend that no one is actually proposing villifying the cheating parent. Of course some people do that, but that’s the difference between doing it in a healthy way that demonstrates honesty, trust, and respect. I think it just upsets some of you to realize that the tide has turned and that it is no longer socially acceptable to expect betrayed spouses to participate in the cover up of the cheater’s affair.

If your parents are the type of parents that are going to go to war during divorce and put their kids in the middle and make them choose sides, that is going to have a much bigger impact on you as a child than simply knowing the cause of the divorce. Either the parents are emotionally mature enough to divorce without going to war or they aren’t.

But also…. Cheaters can’t launch a massive war inside a marriage by having an affair and then expect their spouse not to respond. As they say…. If you throw a Sh** Bomb, you can’t act surprised when it explodes.