When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh please, nothing magic happens at the age 18 that makes kids capable of handling this information. What a strange and arbitrary suggestion. Of course there are reasons kids would need to know before that. For example, a child is 16 years old and finds out his parents are divorcing. One parent moves out and moves into an apartment with family friend of the opposite gender, announces they are now dating and let’s the kids know that they are now swing this person. The betrayed spouses is just supposed to say nothing for 2 years? Ridiculous. It needs to be addressed because the irresponsible cheater’s behavior shoved the kids into the dumpster fire with their actions.

Another example….. one parent has an affair with their child’s sports coach (or teacher, or really anyone associated with a child’s extracurricular activities). The spouse of the coach shows up at an event and makes a scene, confronting the child’s parent and calling them a home wrecker. All the child’s teammates see this. Still, say nothing until the kid is 18?

One parent has an affair. The parents agree to tell their child nothing other than that they are divorcing because three grew apart. A year later, a kid in there school bus tells the kid that their parent had an affair, they heard it from so-and-so. The kid is 12. Continue to lie until they are 18?

Also, no one is advocating ti emotionally dump inappropriate information into young kids. Literally everyone here has been advocating telling an AGE APPROPRIATE explanation that makes it clear that they support the kid having an ongoing loving positive relationship with the other parent.

It’s strange you can’t comprehend that no one is actually proposing villifying the cheating parent. Of course some people do that, but that’s the difference between doing it in a healthy way that demonstrates honesty, trust, and respect. I think it just upsets some of you to realize that the tide has turned and that it is no longer socially acceptable to expect betrayed spouses to participate in the cover up of the cheater’s affair.

If your parents are the type of parents that are going to go to war during divorce and put their kids in the middle and make them choose sides, that is going to have a much bigger impact on you as a child than simply knowing the cause of the divorce. Either the parents are emotionally mature enough to divorce without going to war or they aren’t.

But also…. Cheaters can’t launch a massive war inside a marriage by having an affair and then expect their spouse not to respond. As they say…. If you throw a Sh** Bomb, you can’t act surprised when it explodes.

Many posters have made exceptions for the kinds of scenarios you put forth although I’d argue in the first one you don’t need to say anything until the kid bring it up because the situation is clear. All you do in bringing it up is force the kid to figure out what to say to you, the clearly wronged spouse, about it. Let them ask you.

I think lying to a kid that knows is wrong for sure though.

But there is another person here that insists kids know, seemingly suggested telling children as young as 5, and is convinced there is no scenario where a kid stays in the dark.

I think telling Kid something like this should be a last resort when you have good reason to believe they’ll find out from another source. That’s it. Anything else is for the parent not for the kid. And in that scenario I think the cheating parent should deliver the news, although the other parents certainly should step in if the other refuses.

Very few people are arguing this is black and white in every situation, just agreeing that when kids can be spared this they should be spared this.

See the poster a couple parts back here talking about how kids need to be woken up to the truth of their father as proof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they ask directly about affairs, don’t lie. But otherwise no need to tell. Marriages are complicated and the cheating is usually not the first step to the end. If they aren’t asking, don’t dump it all on them.

I agree with this, but especially that cheating is usually one of several bad acts leading up to divorce and usually both sides bear some blame for the divorce. I don't get why people are so focused on cheating. Why not focus on the neglect they lead up to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they ask directly about affairs, don’t lie. But otherwise no need to tell. Marriages are complicated and the cheating is usually not the first step to the end. If they aren’t asking, don’t dump it all on them.

I agree with this, but especially that cheating is usually one of several bad acts leading up to divorce and usually both sides bear some blame for the divorce. I don't get why people are so focused on cheating. Why not focus on the neglect they lead up to it?

Because then you make the “victim” also a perpetrator and that goes against the narrative on this thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

On the side of the family secret keepers, I see. Yeah, that’s not a side I want to be on, thanks. I am not protecting the secrets of abusers.

Oh please. Focus on your child. That's whose side you should be on.

Of course. That means honesty and not hiding the secrets of abusers. I don’t tolerate not being honest about abusive family members. Obviously you do but we are different that way.

You are hiding your urge to punish your ex and turn your kids against him behind a fig leaf of "honesty and not hiding the secrets of abusers". Would it help you to know that when your kids grow up they will understand your true motives and they won't be impressed with you?

I’m happily married and have been for over 20 years. My spouse is the child of a cheater, though, and feels very strongly that hiding the truth is nearly always harmful. I believe him, especially because the people who want cheating kept hidden tend to also want things like abuse and child molestation hidden. It’s the wrong side to be on.

OK, I'm also the child of a cheater (so that means you believe me now, right?) and I feel very strongly that it's not harmful to keep the details from the kids until they're older. This is not at all about what the cheater wants, and you're not "on the cheater's side" if you keep things concealed. It is absolutely in no way comparable to keeping abuse and child molestation hidden.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Parents have zero obligation to protect the image of the cheater. There is a difference between disparagement and refusing to lie for someone. Cheaters always want to believe what they’ve done is No Big Deal, and why aren’t you over it yet? So it’s always so curious why then that NO ONE MUST KNOW about this little, minimal thing they may have done, that you shouldn’t feel so upset about?

Per usual, you care more about holding the cheaters accountable than protecting the kids. You’re not shielding the cheater for their own good. If your husband cheats on you and doesn’t have kids then whatever, take out an ad in the local paper! But when you have kids you make a commitment (or should have made a commitment) to put their interests first. And the reality is that kids don’t do well when they’re put in the middle and they (generally) do better when they have positive loving relationships with both parents. If that’s possible then both parents should be striving for it.

The onus for “putting the kids first” and the loving family relationship is put on the non-cheating spouse. The cheater can just not come home (because he or she is already hooking up with a new person) and it’s all ok.

Go ahead and blab to your friends and your family about your horrible ex. Keep whining, keep insisting they choose sides. Be unpleasant. See where it gets you.

I hate when people dump this suffering porn on me. I'm European and I truly don't understand the drama. Can't deal with the cheating? Leave. Don't or can't leave because of money? Then find yourself an AP too. I can't imagine dragging your kids into this self-flagellation porn. Have some dignity and self-respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s like Dreams of my Father. The people who had messed up cheating dads are angry their moms woke them up from their dream.

That's asinine. My dad cheated and had many other failings besides. I'm not angry at my mom for "waking me up" because I never had a dream where he was a great dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

There’s no victim blaming in the post, it’s speaking to the abstract. That you apply the scenario to your behavior is pretty telling. Clearly you have inappropriately burdened your kids, there’s no other reason for the ratcheting hysterics. Get help - your posts are filled with rage and pretty scary at this point.

My "posts" (plural)? Uh, no. And I haven't been cheated on, but I've seen it ruin marriages around me and the kids universally knew. In one case, it was the talk of the town.

Don’t worry. Of course this is the logical answer. There is an insane cheater here posting repeatedly who is clearly terrified his kids will find out the truth.

HER kids. She’s a female cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they ask directly about affairs, don’t lie. But otherwise no need to tell. Marriages are complicated and the cheating is usually not the first step to the end. If they aren’t asking, don’t dump it all on them.

I agree with this, but especially that cheating is usually one of several bad acts leading up to divorce and usually both sides bear some blame for the divorce. I don't get why people are so focused on cheating. Why not focus on the neglect they lead up to it?

The neglect of the spouse? The rage and criticalness and emotional abuse of spouse and kids that has them walking on egg shells, causes the spouse to turn away from them? Bring a complete a-hole and gaslighting the cheating. Those things that led to the cheating?

Nobody makes anybody cheat. The cheater is 100% responsible for f”king someone else.

[Anonymous]

Agreed 1000%. Whatever was wrong with the marriage that drive the cheater to cheat….. clearly wasn’t bad enough to prompt the cheater to end the marriage. Not getting sex? Get divorced. Overly critical spouse? Get a divorce. Useless neglectful spouse? Divorce.

No one makes another person cheat. The marriage might not be great or even good, but divorce wasn’t on the table until the cheater got busted. None of the other things caused the divorce. The other things might have contributed to the cheaters mental health, but they didn’t prompt anyone to file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

Sure, tell them with a psychologist, but you are still recommending telling them. What I am wondering about is the view of the people in favor of hiding affairs. Do those people think it is better to learn about cheating from a middle school bully or proactively from parents or in a therapist’s office? Because my impression of the “never tell” people is that they actually think it’s better for a child to learn from his middle school bully than to hear it proactively, which I find astonishing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

Sure, tell them with a psychologist, but you are still recommending telling them. What I am wondering about is the view of the people in favor of hiding affairs. Do those people think it is better to learn about cheating from a middle school bully or proactively from parents or in a therapist’s office? Because my impression of the “never tell” people is that they actually think it’s better for a child to learn from his middle school bully than to hear it proactively, which I find astonishing.

I think you are misunderstanding their opinion. They are not necessarily in favor of hiding affairs. They think that the chances of messing up in the process of telling the kids is much higher than the chances of the kid being messed up by finding out elsewhere.

You might disagree with their assessment, but claiming that they are in favor of hiding affairs is an misunderstanding of their position.

I don' t tell my kids about my sex life with their dad. It dies not mean that DH and I are hiding our sex lives. It's just not an appropriate conversation to have with them.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all 30 pages, but as a child of divorced parents whose dad cheated as is still with his AP 20 years later, I don't think its that big of a deal if the kids are old enough (teenagers?) if one of the parents factually and plainly tells them that dad left the marriage to be with someone else.

The problem becomes if mom makes this a recurring theme and plays the victim like my mom did. It's unfair to the kids, I love my dad, as flawed as he is, and trust me, mom is super flawed too. We are all human, don't make kids pick sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

Sure, tell them with a psychologist, but you are still recommending telling them. What I am wondering about is the view of the people in favor of hiding affairs. Do those people think it is better to learn about cheating from a middle school bully or proactively from parents or in a therapist’s office? Because my impression of the “never tell” people is that they actually think it’s better for a child to learn from his middle school bully than to hear it proactively, which I find astonishing.

I think you are misunderstanding their opinion. They are not necessarily in favor of hiding affairs. They think that the chances of messing up in the process of telling the kids is much higher than the chances of the kid being messed up by finding out elsewhere.

You might disagree with their assessment, but claiming that they are in favor of hiding affairs is an misunderstanding of their position.

I don' t tell my kids about my sex life with their dad. It dies not mean that DH and I are hiding our sex lives. It's just not an appropriate conversation to have with them.

My parents were in a loving relationship and by my teenage years I knew that they had sex regularly. I could hear it or it was just casually discussed in clean ways or small jokes. Once they even had a party and the adults had to answer a question about which body part their spouse was most aroused by. They kept it clean and I wasn’t really invited to the party but really a 16 year old knows mommy and daddy have sex. Sex Ed is in 5th grade and I got my period in 6th.