Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]
It must be really scary to realize that there are many non-cheaters on here advocating to not use your children as a dumping ground for your adult issues.[/quote]

I don’t believe there are many of you.  I think it’s just a handful of posters at most that are probably cheaters or are just raised in such a dysfunctional environment that they feel strongly about protecting abusers.

Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce.  It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result.  This has been well documented over decades of research.  Use the google if you aren’t aware of this.

The saddest part of this whole argument is that some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda.  We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time.

The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else.  It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life.

[/quote]

I am not a cheater. I am the child of a marriage that was destroyed by cheating.

"Literally everyone I know believes that children should be told about the reason for divorce" -- well, now you know one person who disagrees, because I do. It's not about protecting abusers and cheaters, it's about protecting children.

"It IS their business, as children of divorce and children of cheaters have lifelong issues as a result." -- the question is WHEN children should know. It is in no way necessary to tell them before they are 18.

"This has been well documented over decades of research." -- I doubt that research gives a specific time in the child's life that you have to tell them. I doubt that research says that it's harmful to keep it a secret until an age the parents decide is appropriate.

"Use the google if you aren’t aware of this." -- I don't need Google, I know that my mom keeping the cheating a secret absolutely did not cause me "lifelong issues". It was the destruction of the marriage and my mom's rage at her XH that did it.

"some of you clearly can’t conceive that people are capable of communicating a message to children in an age appropriate way, without anger or agenda." -- maybe they are but my mom certainly wasn't. Why can't you conceive that people differ and that people having anger and an agenda during a divorce is the rule rather than the exception?

"We told my children in the office of his psychologist, at his recommendation, with an age appropriate statement we worked on ahead of time." -- yay for you, I guess. Why are you so adamantly convinced that your personal recipe must be applied without exception to 100% of the rest of the divorcing couples on the planet?

"The fact that you can’t imagine a message being conveyed without alterior motives or anger says more about YOU than anything else.  It’s sad if you haven’t seen enough examples of this in your life." -- if you haven't seen divorced people go to war with each other and try to weaponize their kids against each other, you're really not looking very hard. And in my case, my mom is incapable of thinking about her XH at all without extreme anger. The idea she'd calmly explain to her kids "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" is utterly laughable.[/quote]

Mommy and Daddy issues [/quote]

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